Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To say I can't do this now I'm back working

123 replies

TillyTim · 19/08/2020 13:55

I have been furloughed for a couple of months and so was helping out a lot looking after my husband's children when he and his ex were working.

I am now back at work and have been for a week and a half but working from home. I can't do it anymore.

I was brought back because our department has suddenly boomed and we are so busy, I am constantly on the phone, trying to do meetings on zoom etc... And due to the nature of the work, a lot of it is confidential and time sensitive.

I am working in the living room due to not having any space in the bedroom for a table and chair and my SCs have been playing Xbox loudly on the TV with friends or pestering me for things to do because they are bored whilst I'm trying to work, arguing between each other etc etc...

AIBU to tell DH when he gets home that he and ex will have to arrange something else now from next week. I'm being distracted and taken away from work too much. I helped out as much as possible when I was able to but now I can't.

Ex has a partner working from home who is never expected to help out and both DH and ex have parents within a reasonable distance to help too. I feel like I'm just the easiest option but it's not working for me anymore.

DH hasn't taken a single day off to help with the kids during this and I am starting to get really stressed with it and feel like it's not my responsibility and certainly not my works, I don't want to piss them off with me being distracted from looking after children during the day especially as they aren't mine.

Kids are both under 10.

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 19/08/2020 15:22

Of course YANBU! I'm amazed you even have to ask.

You're now working. The same as DH and Ex and Ex's DH. You've done months of childcare. Time for DH/Ex to step up and figure this out themselves. One of them can take leave or ask their parents for help.

I would let DH know he needs to sort it for tomorrow, and quietly make plans to work out of the house (leaving before him in the morning) if he/Ex hasn't sorted anything. Do you have any family nearby where you could work for the day?

Original poster

TillyTim · 19/08/2020 15:23

nanny while you work

That's a great idea. It sounds like I could have made a nice bit of cash while on furlough if I'd played my cards better!

I've text DH and told him anyway.

Sorry to the PP who was confused by my last message, yes I was referring to exes DP, not my husband.

OP posts:

Howyiz · 19/08/2020 15:23

As others have said, text/ring him now and tell him you can't work from home and mind them. He needs to have a solution when he gets homes for tomorrow onwards.
Do not be guilted into carrying on until school reopens.

Original poster

TillyTim · 19/08/2020 15:24

@YukoandHiro

Can you work from another room eg the bedroom and lock the door, so it's clear it's a no go area when you're working?

Unfortunately not, the only room we have a table in is the living room/dining room/kitchen (open plan).

I tried to work sat in bed the other day but my back very quickly started complaining!

OP posts:

NonsensicalWitch · 19/08/2020 15:24

@TillyTim

nanny while you work

That's a great idea. It sounds like I could have made a nice bit of cash while on furlough if I'd played my cards better!

I've text DH and told him anyway.

Sorry to the PP who was confused by my last message, yes I was referring to exes DP, not my husband.

Oh good. Well done op! Let us know how it all goes! Hope you can enjoy some peace while you work from now on.

Cornishclio · 19/08/2020 15:25

100% YANBU. Tell your DH and his ex they need to make other arrangements as you, like them are now working and the SC are not your responsibility. I would not be afraid to say to the SC that the x box goes off as they are being too loud and you need to work. Stop letting them take advantage of you.

MzHz · 19/08/2020 15:28

He very much keeps the kids at arm's length in terms of helping out as far as I can see.

Because he can see what a humongous piss taker these kids parents are!

I’d send dh a text now tbh and say that as of tomorrow you won’t be able to have the kids so he and the ex need to make arrangements this afternoon for tomorrow onwards, you are working, have no other option and you’ve done literally all you can.

I swear, I wouldn’t respect a man like this! It’d be the beginning of the end for me.

feistyoneyouare · 19/08/2020 15:35

OP I can't believe the cheekyfuckery of your DH and his ex in all this! Just like the ex's DP isn't expected to take care of the DSCs while they are working, nor should you be. You've been really accommodating agreeing to it so far, but now it's conflicting with your work it's taking the piss, and it's time your DH and his ex sorted out something between themselves re childcare, this is really unfair to you.

Brings back a lot of memories for me of how my DH's ex used to demonise me for not providing free childcare while wfh when my DSD was little, 'feistyoneyouare works from home after all, she could easily have DSD' yadda yadda. Some people can be incredibly entitled. I sympathise.

Devlesko · 19/08/2020 15:36

YANBU I wouldn't have done it in the first place, the kids have 2 parents and we've all had to manage without expecting a free nanny.
Looks like that's what the dh is after. His ex gone and that.

Hayyancairo2 · 19/08/2020 15:40

Text both parents asap and just tell them that unless you have absolute silence in your work place (home) for your meetings then you will soon be replaced. So as from tomorrow, as you have meetings to attend, you will not be available anymore... FULL STOP. You have to stick to your word though, no mumbling under your breath about how unfair this is. Just say it how it is. Ex's partner can do his bit for a start.

Reluctantcavedweller · 19/08/2020 15:46

100% YANBU. Shame you can't go back into the office. You may soon be in the unenviable position of having to weigh up the risk to your health from that against the certainty of losing your sanity if your DH and DSC mum don't sort something else out.

Purpleartichoke · 19/08/2020 15:48

You do need to be prepared to find a way to work somewhere in the house that is more isolated in case they decide to go with a nanny as a solution.

Heartofglass12345 · 19/08/2020 15:48

I can't believe he hasn't taken any time off anyway, let along with it being lockdown, does he not want to spend any time with his kids during the holidays?
I'm not working but my husband still took a week off during lockdown to spend time with us and will be taking another week off before the end of the summer holidays (I needed the break too!)

Devlesko · 19/08/2020 15:48

Have you posted about these kids and parents before? There was a thread with a furloughed sp having to mind the kids all the time.

Your dh is taking the piss, get the kids off to their mums asap. Call her now to collect them.
Put your foot down and remove your mug tattoo from your head.

Lollypop4 · 19/08/2020 15:51

I wouldve helped out maybe on furlough but absolutely not when I wouldve returned.

They are taking the piss!!!!!!!
Tell both the parents today is your last day, not your problem

Devlesko · 19/08/2020 15:51

I swear, I wouldn’t respect a man like this! It’d be the beginning of the end for me.

It would for most people, but some set their bar low and like being the martyr, then moaning to others how unfair it all is.

MzHz · 19/08/2020 16:03

@Devlesko

I swear, I wouldn’t respect a man like this! It’d be the beginning of the end for me.

It would for most people, but some set their bar low and like being the martyr, then moaning to others how unfair it all is.

I think it’s more a matter of low esteem and self confidence then once the habit is there it’s hugely difficult to get out, especially when the team of piss takers are so intent on taking the piss.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 19/08/2020 16:12

@Wallywobbles

Depending on your relationships I'd message both and say sorry not doing this now I'm back at work. Please find another solution as of tomorrow. Short notice but today's your last day of free childcare.

This. Your H can take leave. The fuck I'd tell him 'sorry', either. He's a pisstaker and there is no way I'd ever jeopardise my job for his bloody responsibility. This would be a real passion killer for me.

BlueJava · 19/08/2020 16:30

A friend of mine is in the exact situation you are! However the kids have still been getting dropped off. She has repeatedly told her DH and the Ex she can't continue but the kids were still dropped off on Monday. This week she started back in the office just so she could work - although her company would prefer her to wfh.

diddl · 19/08/2020 16:32

Well I don't think that Op was a mug for helping out when she could/wanted to/it was convenient.

Circumstances have changed though so it's now over to the parents to manage childcare between them.

Vodkacranberryplease · 19/08/2020 16:34

I think that men are conditioned with 'You dont ask you dont get'. So they will ask, & they will push, & they will give it a good try. If the answer is No they move on & respect you a little more. They are, essentially, chancing their arm & most have been brought up not to see that as a bad thing.

Women have been conditioned to say yes, & agree & to not ask, & to not (generally speaking) chance their arm. And they dont like to say no, much less be clear about doing so as they think that the man wont like them.

They think they would only ask for something if it was really important & so think he must really need it & would be upset or hurt by No the way we would be. He thinks 'well it was worth a shot, never mind'. They run a numbers game - ask enough women out & one will say yes, bang on about something long enough & she will give in. Little realising their OH is getting steadily more pissed off with defending herself against what feels like an attack.

Massive generalisations I know but in my (pretty vast) experience fairly true.

He probably thought 'Shes not working she wont mind, & it gets me off the hook' & nothing much more sinister than that. It doesnt make him a dreadful person - & all it takes is a very firm No, followed by a bullet proof reason (to stop the ongoing asking) & its (hopefully) done.

If a guy is taking the piss you have to take responsibility for your own life & say 'No, Im not doing that'. If he then goes on & on, sulking & whining, or making life difficult then you say 'you know what youre really annoying me. I said No now leave it'

Its when a guy constantly steamrollers through your No you have a problem. The OP never said No, & has just done so now. So a bit early to judge him as a prick. Most men will take what they are given. Its up to us to not be mugs.

Iloveacurry · 19/08/2020 16:36

You’re not furloughed anymore, you’re working. Your DH and his ex need to sort it. If you had been going back to your work place, what would they be doing then?

Apolloanddaphne · 19/08/2020 16:40

It seems a bit off that they didn't realise this arrangement could not continue now you are back at work.

ZoeTurtle · 19/08/2020 16:44

The real victory of the “step mums are evil” narrative

Yes, that narrative so pervasive on Mumsnet that the poll is 100% YANBU.

I wish people would stop trotting out this nonsense.

ButteryPuffin · 19/08/2020 16:55

Not unreasonable at all. As someone said, what would your partner do if you got rushed into hospital tomorrow? He'd have to take leave or work from home and step up. So he can do that now.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread