I don’t think I am but how to handle. Wedding fiasco

[PrincessCatapus]

Close relative getting married soon. Up and down relationship but things are going well and eager to keep things good.

Got married myself last year and had B2B as bridesmaid, paid for dresses (let them pick their own style but said about colours), didn’t care about hair/makeup/shoes etc. B2B chose to have makeup done professionally whilst my MoH did mine. All fine, no issues at wedding and she was a great support on the day.

B2B getting married next year in very expensive place and the whole thing is very extravagant but each to their own. I’m trying to be very enthusiastic and supportive and genuinely do want her to have the best day possible. However, costs are becoming a bit much. Been informed that we need to have hair and makeup done at our cost to the tune of around £100. On top of that been guilted into £150 accommodation despite it actually being close to home (have a child so easier to take home) as they’ll have to cover rooms not used and lots of guests have said they’ll go home so she’s stressing about that. Been told we have to buy dress, which is looking at around £100. There’s a gift registry we’ll have to buy a gift from. Drinks at expensive place. Never mind suits for DH and DS’s. Looks like there’s going to be at least 2 maybe 3 hen do’s.

We could technically afford it, but we have a small amount of debt to pay off from our wedding, and live within our means. Want to start saving for a house too and the money this wedding is going to cost would be a lovely holiday for the four of us (we can’t afford one this year regardless of COVID and only managed a cheap staycation last year). Would also note my DPs offered to contribute a hefty sum towards a family holiday as a wedding gift for this year. Obviously COVID hit and they were keen to book earlier in the year so they could afford other relatives wedding (paying for v expensive dress and perhaps more). We’ve told them not to worry and to forget about it. Genuinely don’t mind but stings a bit when weighing up how the money that needs to be spent on this wedding could be spent on a holiday. I’m also loathed to pay more on hair and makeup than I could stomach paying for my own wedding. She needs enough people to be able to have the person she wants but it’s the same with the rooms too. I just feel as though we’re inadvertently subsidising this extravagant wedding after we budgeted accordingly for ours and didn’t ask for anything from anyone as didn’t feel it was fair to expect people to be worrying about money just to attend our wedding.

Also a bit peeved that B2B is getting help from family that we didn’t (we did reject any financial help in fairness) but they’ve now been saying how they’ve managed to start saving for a house and can’t help but feel like we’re sacrificing a family holiday to pay for their expensive wedding whilst they’re still having extravagant birthday gifts/saving for a house etc that we can’t afford.

Sorry for being vague but would really like some advice on what to do. DH thinks we should suck it up as want to keep the relationship good, as do I, really really badly. But I cannot help but feel really put out by all of it. It just doesn’t sit right to keep saying yes to the detriment of my children.

Can I say no? Without damaging the relationship? Or should I just suck this up to keep everything ticking along smoothly.

Another factor is the other bridesmaid and I have spoken and she’s going to go along with whatever I do. She can’t afford it either but also wants to keep the peace and get the feeling she’s thinking if I say yes she’ll look awful if she’s saying no despite the fact I’m dead against it.

@Venicelover my parents offered to help with both our dresses. Mine was £150 so told them not to worry. They ended up having to go to bed early with our son and were so supportive and helpful with everything before and on the day. They also had our son whilst we went on a last minute weekend break as a honeymoon. To me that’s more than enough of a wedding gift in itself without calling on them for money again now. They have a business, their own money worries and never mind Covid where everyone should be really preparing for the worst financially. I’d rather say no to my sister than start asking my parents for money at a time like this.

I hope your son has a wonderful wedding 😊

I’m due to see her later so will have a chat and just be honest with her about how it’s making me feel and what we can and can’t do.

@PrincessCatapus you sound like a lovely daughter.

If your parents have money worries that is very different and your sister should be looking to minimise the costs of her own wedding (if she can't fund all of her dreams herself) in view of this.

Bridesmaids should have all their costs paid for imo. Hen parties should be financially accessible to all and wedding gifts should also be based on affordability.

If the wedding is near home then it is perfectly acceptable for you to to go home, especially with a young child to consider.

I hope you manage to sort it out without falling out.

The thing with conflict, when you're not being the unreasonable one, is that you shouldn't consider it like that.

Here, you are not causing conflict OP. Rather, you are concerned that either your sister or parents will treat you badly if you don't give them money. That's not conflict; it's either anxiety or a shit family. Only you know which it actually is.

Out of interest, if a family member told you that they wouldn't speak to you again if you didn't give them £500, would you? I fucking wouldn't; nor would I view their stropping after as my fault, or indeed anything to do with me. I would view it as emotional blackmai and leave them to it.

If your family are actually happy to guilt trip and emotionally blackmail you, as you are worried will happen, you're probably better off with them staying away tbh.

The only reason there would be conflict is if she responds inappropriately to the denial of various inappropriate requests.

It might be worth asking her directly: "i am a bit surprised about some of the requests you've made... the bride normally pays for the bridesmaid dresses and hair and makeup - how come you're asking us to pay? " This is a perfectly reasonable question to ask and if the answer makes her squirm it's because she knows she's being unreasonable.

If it doesn't make her uncomfortable and she comes out and says i can't afford to have the wedding I want if people don't contribute then you can respond with similar brass neck, well i can't afford to pay for your wedding either!

Saying you can't afford it is honest and non-negotiable, so I think you should say that.

I second this. You do not need to justify how you spend your own money - it also means that the other bridesmaid can say the same, without feeling that she has to explain how all of her pennies are accounted for. She obviously feels embarrassed at having to do so, but why should she?

It may be that your sister is just so caught up in the day that she hasn't goven a moment's though to the financial impact.

OP you should never have to fork out for someone else’s wedding. It’s even worse that she’s your sister. She should pay for your room, makeup and 3 hen nights if she’s so determined to have these. It doesn’t matter if you’re well off. She’s taking advantage of you.

Your parents didn’t pay anything towards your wedding? Well they can pay all your expenses this time.

*Saying you can't afford it is honest and non-negotiable, so I think you should say that

"I second this."

And I third this. You need to be assertive and polite, not confrontational. All you need to say is that you simply cannot afford everything she is asking of you. Just tell her that paying for all three hen nights, the room, hair and make up is unaffordable and non negotiable. Don't go into lengthy explanations as it will give her a chance to force you to give in.

I would hazard a guess that she won't get a full compliment of "friends" coming to all three hen nights either.

This is when I really hate weddings. So much faff and emotional blackmail. I think if you're going to have all these stipulations as the bride, then you should stump the money for it. People's expectations are just unreal these days!

Honestly I’m not even amused by these wedding threads anymore it’s just such nonsense. I’m sorry but why didn’t you just say the second the hotel was mentioned that you wouldn’t be staying as you can get home and with a child that’s easier ? Why is it your problem what deal she has or hasn’t made with the hotel ?
Anyway I fourth it just say you can’t afford it end of story and in these times especially who would question it

Some good advice here. She’s not the boss of you! Spreadsheet it. How much will it cost in total. How much did she spend on yours? If the disparity is too big you are being bullied Into subsidising her with the threat of her displeasure. As possible said if she asked you for a grand outright would you say yes?
“ dear sis I am still in debt for my own wedding, this is what I can afford to do”

This is madness, OP. Say no. Get on that housing ladder instead of mollifying this princess.

So £600-£700 - ouch
tell her you can only afford the dress, and maybe not attend all of the hen dos.
agree with the other bridesmaid first to present a united front.

Spoke to her and she was alright. Not totally impressed. Said that I could drop the hair but not makeup and the dress may be a bit cheaper and she doesn’t expect us to get new shoes or jewellery etc. She openly said she'd be annoyed if we didn't stay over ebecause she did for ours. She's now said she may not even have a hen do now so no idea what's going on there. If no hen did then that saves £100 and if no hair that's £50ish. Still not exactly cheap. But I've started the ball rolling with the expectation that we can't afford it.

Well done princess, glad you got it sorted.

Was yours expensive as hers to stay over?

You don’t have to stay as it’s close to your home.

Did you demand she stay at the hotel for your wedding?

I wouldn’t stay over for the wedding, hotels are extortionate. Also wouldn’t buy her a gift. Your paying out enough already.

Still can't believe she's not impressed, she is the one who should be funding the make up at least..... Dress I can sort of understand, it seems to be a thing these days.

So how much is the makeup, we will be able to tell you right now if she's trying to get you and other BM to pay for hers.

So she's "allowing" you to drop the bits that don't contribute to her overall costs then, but the rest she needs you to contribute to her subsidy so you're "not allowed" to drop those, is how it reads to me

So much wasted money on one day.

You can't afford all this and tbh even if you could, three hen dos, hundreds on unnecessary rooms and professional make up? Utterly stupid.

So she can't afford to pay for her own wedding or to meet the ridiculous standard she's set herself, and wants her guests to fund it for her?

YANBU to not wish to go to unlimited expense for someone else's wedding. I'm assuming that you're a bridesmaid, not just a guest (in the latter case, her demands would be quite outrageous); but I think you're well within your rights to limit the expense to some extent. Don't tell her she's being U; just say that you are still paying off your own wedding costs, so struggling a bit at the minute. So that the venue AND the dress AND the hair and make-up would be difficult to afford. And would it be possible to forego one of them (perhaps the venue, as you live nearby)? Certainly attending only one hen do instead of 3 would be appropriate. It is pretty rare to have more than one hen do! I do think YAB a bit U to resent the greater financial assistance she's getting for her wedding (unless it's because mutual relatives chose to contribute to hers and not yours, which I realize would be annoying!) But you are quite reasonable to wish to control your spending on things that you don't really need or want.

Text her and say

£100 for the dress
£150 for the room
£100 for make-up
This is £350 then there will be a hen do which is realistically going to be around £150 which tots up to £500. Thats before button holes, suits and drinks at the venue. Im going to have to choose between hen do and staying in the hotel and choose again between dress or make-up. This pandemic brings worrying the for money and we just don't have this sort of disposable cash to spend. Ill understand if you want to choose someone else for bridesmaid alternatively I can stay at home and do my own make up and hair

Work out what you can and are willing to pay for, then tell her. Personally, I would not be paying for the hair/makeup and I would make it very clear that I was only going on one hen do. And I would not be splashing out on a huge gift, either. I think you'd be sensible to agree this with the other bridesmaid and work out your plan of action together.

If she's not someone you can have a reasonable conversation with, why is she someone you really, really want to continue to have a good relationship with?

I literally hate weddings for all of the reasons you have stated above and this is the reason we chose to have a tiny wedding with no bridesmaids etc.

Honestly, I would be pissed off if I was asked to pay for all of that. I think it's strange that she is asking you to pay for all of the things she is.

Perhaps you and the other bridesmaid need to stick together and tell her no!

I have now seen your update. At least the bride is willing to compromise to some extent. Not very gracious of her to say that 'she'd be annoyed if we didn't stay over because she did for ours'. I hate this sort of petty tit-for-tat thing, and anyway I assume that you didn't demand that she spend an extra £150 for accommodation when she could easily have attended from home. Still, at least she seems to be prepared to cut some of the expenses.

Yes there was no pressure on anyone to stay at ours. She got a discount too and we made sure she had a really nice room for the same price as a not so nice one. So all she paid for mine was the hotel, new shoes, new bag, make up.professionally done. But I did not specify any of that at all. Other bridesmaids used stuff they already had and did own makeup and didn't stay over. Feeling a bit miffed still in honesty.