I don’t think I am but how to handle. Wedding fiasco

[PrincessCatapus]

Close relative getting married soon. Up and down relationship but things are going well and eager to keep things good.

Got married myself last year and had B2B as bridesmaid, paid for dresses (let them pick their own style but said about colours), didn’t care about hair/makeup/shoes etc. B2B chose to have makeup done professionally whilst my MoH did mine. All fine, no issues at wedding and she was a great support on the day.

B2B getting married next year in very expensive place and the whole thing is very extravagant but each to their own. I’m trying to be very enthusiastic and supportive and genuinely do want her to have the best day possible. However, costs are becoming a bit much. Been informed that we need to have hair and makeup done at our cost to the tune of around £100. On top of that been guilted into £150 accommodation despite it actually being close to home (have a child so easier to take home) as they’ll have to cover rooms not used and lots of guests have said they’ll go home so she’s stressing about that. Been told we have to buy dress, which is looking at around £100. There’s a gift registry we’ll have to buy a gift from. Drinks at expensive place. Never mind suits for DH and DS’s. Looks like there’s going to be at least 2 maybe 3 hen do’s.

We could technically afford it, but we have a small amount of debt to pay off from our wedding, and live within our means. Want to start saving for a house too and the money this wedding is going to cost would be a lovely holiday for the four of us (we can’t afford one this year regardless of COVID and only managed a cheap staycation last year). Would also note my DPs offered to contribute a hefty sum towards a family holiday as a wedding gift for this year. Obviously COVID hit and they were keen to book earlier in the year so they could afford other relatives wedding (paying for v expensive dress and perhaps more). We’ve told them not to worry and to forget about it. Genuinely don’t mind but stings a bit when weighing up how the money that needs to be spent on this wedding could be spent on a holiday. I’m also loathed to pay more on hair and makeup than I could stomach paying for my own wedding. She needs enough people to be able to have the person she wants but it’s the same with the rooms too. I just feel as though we’re inadvertently subsidising this extravagant wedding after we budgeted accordingly for ours and didn’t ask for anything from anyone as didn’t feel it was fair to expect people to be worrying about money just to attend our wedding.

Also a bit peeved that B2B is getting help from family that we didn’t (we did reject any financial help in fairness) but they’ve now been saying how they’ve managed to start saving for a house and can’t help but feel like we’re sacrificing a family holiday to pay for their expensive wedding whilst they’re still having extravagant birthday gifts/saving for a house etc that we can’t afford.

Sorry for being vague but would really like some advice on what to do. DH thinks we should suck it up as want to keep the relationship good, as do I, really really badly. But I cannot help but feel really put out by all of it. It just doesn’t sit right to keep saying yes to the detriment of my children.

Can I say no? Without damaging the relationship? Or should I just suck this up to keep everything ticking along smoothly.

Another factor is the other bridesmaid and I have spoken and she’s going to go along with whatever I do. She can’t afford it either but also wants to keep the peace and get the feeling she’s thinking if I say yes she’ll look awful if she’s saying no despite the fact I’m dead against it.

There is zero chance I'd be hoping my DH's bonus would be enough to subsidize another couple's wedding.

You can't afford to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, as the B2B isn't paying what she should be paying and is expecting the wedding party to subsidize the costs for her 'vision'. Be honest. do you think she'd have happily done the same for you if she had to pick and choose between paying for extras for herself/her children and your wedding?

Be honest, kind but honest. she's not being reasonable, and your DH needs to grow a spine.

Oh, and the fact that she's your sister makes it worse. Are you parents afraid of upsetting her, too?

Draw a line for yourself now.

Sadly, this is what happens when a wedding is looked on as a "production" rather than two people lovingly joining their lives together, and celebrating that with their friends and families

Spot on as usual

This is a bridezilla!

If they want to choose the dress, they pay.
If they want you to have hair and makeup, they pay.
If they want you to stay in a certain place, there's an argument that they should pay although it would be more usual that people choose where they want to stay if they're travelling for a wedding & pay for it themselves.
Three hen dos??? Just no.

I would tell this unreasonable person "it's not usual to have to pay for dresses or hair and makeup, normally the couple pays. I'm not willing to pay for it on your behalf, sorry, I paid for my own wedding so i don't expect to pay for anyone else to host theirs."
May lead to being uninvited but honestly that would be dodging a bullet...

@PrincessCatapus

I get what you’re all saying and I honestly want to do that but the fall out will be almighty. Is there any way I can word it that will be better than I can’t afford it? My DH gets a bonus each Xmas which she vaguely knows about but it’s earmarked for paying off debt and a modest family holiday. If we pay for all this the holiday is gone but I don’t know if it’s worth or whether I should have to delve into our finances like that.

Saying you can't afford it is honest and non-negotiable, so I think you should say that. Your DH's bonus is irrelevant, as are your salaries. You have a set amount of money coming in, and you have plans for that money.

No-one else has the right to make judgements about what they think you can and can't afford, only you. Some of what she's asking you to pay for is totally unreasonable - who has 3 hen dos?

I'd tell her that I can only afford to pay for one or two of the things on her wish list, and leave it up to her to choose which ones she thinks are most important. Do it jointly with the other bridesmaid.

IMO you don't need to go into what you can and cannot afford as this implies you might be willing to pay if financial circumstances were different.

The point is that it is not reasonable to expect you to pay it in the first place, and you are not willing to pay it. Fundamentally, they are asking you to pay for their wedding which is not an appropriate thing to do.

I bet she's having about 10 bridesmaids if they have to pay for themselves

2 bridesmaids agree that they can't afford it all. So the two of you go to her together and talk to her.

@HappyDays10101

Presumably it’s your sister. It sounds like you feel pleased with yourself for refusing your parents’ help, and are now resenting her for accepting the cash that would have otherwise gone to you.

Then on top of that she wants you to pay for your own hair/makeup etc. as she is not willing to cut her cloth.

I suspect that there will be massive fall out if you don’t go along with it all, but the breakdown in the relationship would happen sooner or later anyway, so better do it before you’ve shelled out all the cash.

Agree with all of this. You will fall out at some point, and she will keep on and on adding things. So you may as well be upfront now.

"I have a budget of X, cant go over that. I can do X and Y, but not X, Y and Z. Which do you want me to do?"

No drama, unless she wants it.

If she wants to splash out on hair and make up then the bride pays for it. As she needs a certain number of people to get theirs done too no doubt the discount is hers being done for free

A colleague's partner does hair and make-up for weddings, proms etc. She charges a flat fee for up to 5 people and then extra pp for any more.

I think you’ll find you’re being asked to cover the brides make up costs. The total cost for you, the other bridesmaid and the bride has probably been split in two and you’re both paying hers. Same with the hotel costs - if she fills a certain number of rooms, her own room will be ‘free’. Again with the hen dos - her costs will be split amongst the participants. You need to say no - she’s taking advantage of everyone to fund her dream wedding.

^^This. There is not a person on earth who is worth putting up with this shit for. I feel sorry for you that you have such low self esteem that you're putting up wit it. She's effectively stealing from you and you're ok with it? 🙄

@lookatthemshine is spot on..... You are funding the bride..... She should be funding you 🤔

Oh dear. It sounds like your sister(?) is very used to getting her own way and threatening you all with tantrums if she doesn't!

I just feel as though we’re inadvertently subsidising this extravagant wedding
You absolutely are being asked to do that yes, except there's nothing inadvertent about it!

feel like we’re sacrificing a family holiday to pay for their expensive wedding
If you do, that will be your choice. You do not have to do any of this!!

Can I say no?
YES!!!!!!!!!!

the fall out will be almighty
That is not your choice, nor your responsibility. That is her choice.

As PP said, "I'm sorry I can't afford it"
Nothing more, nothing less.
No bonus/holiday/savings. No grovelling or explaining. You do not want to spend that money so you shouldn't.

And once you have said that, resist the overwhelming urge to solve her problem for her. Do not fill the silence, real or metaphorical. "I'm sorry I can't afford it". Then what happens next is up to her.

Stay strong OP, and stick to your boundaries! What's easiest in the short run always ends up harder later on. You need to make yourself face up to this now or you'll regret it.

It really is up to you. If you don’t actually say anything then I think it’s a bit unreasonable of you to complain about it afterwards.

She sounds awful but you aren’t even going to give her a chance to make it right unless you speak to her.

I don’t think whether you can afford it or not is the issue. It’s downright grasping, grabbing and precious to ask you to pay under any circumstances. I’m dismayed at how many posters are willing to tolerate, accommodate and pacify the B2B or expect you to explain yourself as to why you may not wish to do so. If the B2B isn’t willing to pay for it all, she should scale back her plans within her biudget . She could start by cancelling the hens dos.

I’ve been in situations like this quite a few times. One bridezilla friend told us she couldn’t afford to get us dresses so we could wear what we liked, and then sent us a list of requirements for our free choice dress that basically meant we all had to go and buy one as (without being outing) the colour and style was nothing like anything anyone would ever own. And then we found out later that she had actually paid for the MOH’s dress but not the other 4 BMs.

Anyway, I sucked it up and have always regretted it. You just need to say you can’t afford the accommodation and make up. If she asks why not then say it’s because you have to buy the dress, which you weren’t expecting, and still haven’t paid off your own wedding.

Oh wow! Can’t believe how many people have responded. Thank you. It’s certainly emphasised the point that I’m not being unreasonable.

My issue isn’t so much falling out with her. Sisters argue (she is my sister - was trying to be vague but she’s recognise it straight away anyway) and they generally always make up. I could cope with that. I’ve also had a rocky relationship with my parents which has taken the best turn ever in about 6 years and we finally seem to have gotten past everything and it makes me so happy. I don’t think my parents will agree with me saying no to some stuff and I just really don’t want our relationship to go backwards. It’s a risk I really don’t want to take but I can see how that this is crazy to go along with.

What’s odd is she’s happy for us to choose our own style of makeup and hair and dress type in a certain colour but wants the makeup kind of the same. I think it’s a case of if she doesn’t have enough people to do the makeup she’ll have to pay a flat fee that’d be extortionate for just her to have it done. Same for the rooms. If the rooms aren’t filled they will have to pay half the cost of the rooms that aren’t filled. It’d almost be cheaper to pay them half the cost of the room and DH get a taxi back with DS early then me follow on home later in a taxi. If we had money to throw at it I would, because she’s my sister but we don’t.

Really don’t mind paying for the dress, and to some extent the hotel room. DHs thoughts were we could look at it at a night away together (albeit with a toddler in tow!) and just try and enjoy it.

OP it seems you are trying to please everyone here. You sister, your parents, and DH who also doesn't want to rock the boat.
So you need to decide if you're prepared to sacrifice your family holiday/ savings/ whatever to keep everyone else happy, or not. But you do need to decide.

OP it seems like you are back tracking now!
How is it your problem that she has decided on the hair and makeup person and agreed to the payments for the rooms? She has made these decisions, you and the other guests should not have to pay for her decisions. BTW I think they are very OTT decisions like the rest of this wedding fiasco!

I understand there have been various upsets in the family and you don’t want any further disagreements but if you give into this it’s only a matter of time before the next thing happens. Do you then have to give in again?

Really don’t mind paying for the dress, and to some extent the hotel room. DHs thoughts were we could look at it at a night away together (albeit with a toddler in tow!) and just try and enjoy it.

so what was the point of your post if you decided to pander to your Dsis?

If your parents are so bothered then they should pay for the things she’s insisting you need.

OP, you’re an adult. You’re married, you’ve got children, you know your finances, you seem to be strangely weak about standing up for yourself about what is clearly a cheeky fucker, potentially a handful of them if your DPs are being arseholes, trying to spend your money. Please stop and think about it. You had children, it’s your job to prioritise them. Their aunt and grandparents seem to think a fancy wedding is worth you taking precious resources away from them. The fuck? Stop flip flopping. Stand up for your family woman! If your relationships with your sister and your parents are conditional on you spending money you don’t actually have on fripperies for a bloody wedding they’re hanging by a thread anyway and even if you roll over on this one it’ll all come crashing down again soon.

I understand all this, and I’m writing a message now to try and sort this. My DPs haven’t said anything, it’s just me worrying about the possibilities of what could happen. I’m worst case scenario person by nature and also hate conflict.

@PrincessCatapus

I understand all this, and I’m writing a message now to try and sort this. My DPs haven’t said anything, it’s just me worrying about the possibilities of what could happen. I’m worst case scenario person by nature and also hate conflict.

Hi OP, I sympathise with the hating conflict bit. I was like that myself, but I’m trying to change. Because really, life is too short to do things you don’t want to do, for the sake of pleasing others.

Practice saying NO. Politely but firmly. No I can’t do that, it’s out of my budget. No I’m not able to do that, but I’d like to do this. Think of how liberating it’ll be. Painful initially yes, but then that’s the internal discomfort gone. At least it’s out in the open and you can negotiate the drama accordingly. Imagine how miserable and resentful you’ll be after spending all that money and watching her settling into a home you helped subsidise at your own expense.

What’s the worst that’ll happen? She’ll flip out and call you selfish and ungrateful. You stand your ground, firmly but politely. If she doesn’t like it she can fuck off.

I think part of the problem here is that you didn't accept financial help from your parents and your sister is doing that.

When you mention debt from your wedding she will say that it was your choice to accrue debt rather than allow your parents to help. Why did you make that choice?

I would think about what you can reasonably afford now in relation to the Hen Parties/wedding gift and do that.

I would ask DP's to pay for the dress, and wedding hotel and associated costs, which are part of the wedding day costs anyway. I would explain that as you refused their help previously this has impacted on the costs for this wedding and you don't want to upset your sister.

Our son is getting married next year and it will be a big wedding but they/we/her parents are paying for all the wedding costs including hotel rooms for immediate family. We are happy to do it.

I expect rather than have family tension your parents would be happy to help out too. Before you broach the subject with your sister discuss it with them.