My son is 25, he started smoking weed at around 15 years old. I tried everything I could to stop him, including physically asking him to be banned from the ‘home’ of a friend where he used to go where the mother freely allowed it.
He has had a troubled past ten years since then, including gambling, depression, self-hate, in and out of jobs, lying, thieving etc. I’ve done all I could from talking to him in-depth, counselling, sending him to rehab (at his request), paying off debts, finding new jobs for him, sourcing new flats/apartments and setting him up each time, liaising with landlords, paying off previous rent arrears and getting new deposits sorted because after enthusing about the new flat he would within (literally) days decide it wasn’t quite right and want somewhere better. I found him jobs which he promptly left if someone spoke to him ‘out of turn’. He refused to contribute to the household running, leaving me with severe financial problems.
The thing is, he blames me for the way he is now. His father left when he was 3 and it did hit him hard, but I tried to compensate. His father has been a complete let down and disappointed him over the years which I always tried to make up for and distract from. We have been able to talk about this but he says it’s my fault for choosing such a rubbish human being as a father for my children. I can’t turn the clock back so what does he expect me to do. I wasn’t a perfect parent but I was kind and caring, loving and fun, I worked hard, gave up on looking for any sort of boyfriend for 15 years to focus on bringing them up, took them to stately homes (ironically), gave them all the care and attention I could in games, parties, treats, etc. I keep trawling back over their past to see where I went wrong (my daughter has lots of lovely memories) but feel I must be missing something.
I now feel incredibly guilty for the way he has turned out, should I have done more, should I have changed everything? He blames me for living in the wrong area, wrong type of house, sending him to the wrong school, for not finding a male partner to provide a suitable role model. He ostracised himself from the entire family including his younger sibling (who is absolutely fine, hardworking, balanced, loving towards me, self-sufficient). He has now slowly recovered with a lot of support from grandparents and me and is working – he has rediscovered his relationships with the whole family, aunts, father, grandparents etc – except me. He maintains that he wants to keep a distance and will only come to me if he needs something (a pattern that has gone on for years). He reconnects on social media to ask for something then immediately cuts me off. He ignores my calls and messages. Everyone else finds him charming, confident, eloquent and caring, it’s just me that he shows his dark, nasty side to.
The thing is, I can’t be happy. Everything in my life is good or ok. My DP who I’ve been with for four years has no patience left with my son. He was initially very generous and caring towards my son’s needs but is now past caring after seeing what he calls as abuse continue. I feel I can’t move on. I feel alternately incredibly sad, a failure, haunted by what he see as me letting him down to feeling absolutely furious that he is treating me this way. He was my first born and I loved him so intensely, I have so many happy memories and photos of his upbringing. I know I’m deeply depressed over this, despite having a stable career, loving DP and daughter, I almost feel suicidal sometimes. Why would another human being treat someone like this? Why punish me so badly whilst now embracing the rest of the family he previously ‘hated’ (don't get me wrong, I'm happy about that, it's just humiliating that I have to get news of him from other members of the family). I’m left totally deflated and have burnt through all my savings, in fact got myself into debt financing him. I’ve had to stop now at my DP’s insistence as it was getting us nowhere, something else my son resents, as he thinks I somehow ‘owe him’.
How do I move on? Has anyone else managed to successfully move on with their life when their child has estranged themselves? I believe the weed changed intrinsically the person he was but he won’t hear of it, instead blaming me for everything.
I'd love to hear of other's experiences and opinions.
AIBU to hope he might change?