Will my estranged son ever forgive me?

[Fourleafcloverhope]

My son is 25, he started smoking weed at around 15 years old. I tried everything I could to stop him, including physically asking him to be banned from the ‘home’ of a friend where he used to go where the mother freely allowed it.

He has had a troubled past ten years since then, including gambling, depression, self-hate, in and out of jobs, lying, thieving etc. I’ve done all I could from talking to him in-depth, counselling, sending him to rehab (at his request), paying off debts, finding new jobs for him, sourcing new flats/apartments and setting him up each time, liaising with landlords, paying off previous rent arrears and getting new deposits sorted because after enthusing about the new flat he would within (literally) days decide it wasn’t quite right and want somewhere better. I found him jobs which he promptly left if someone spoke to him ‘out of turn’. He refused to contribute to the household running, leaving me with severe financial problems.

The thing is, he blames me for the way he is now. His father left when he was 3 and it did hit him hard, but I tried to compensate. His father has been a complete let down and disappointed him over the years which I always tried to make up for and distract from. We have been able to talk about this but he says it’s my fault for choosing such a rubbish human being as a father for my children. I can’t turn the clock back so what does he expect me to do. I wasn’t a perfect parent but I was kind and caring, loving and fun, I worked hard, gave up on looking for any sort of boyfriend for 15 years to focus on bringing them up, took them to stately homes (ironically), gave them all the care and attention I could in games, parties, treats, etc. I keep trawling back over their past to see where I went wrong (my daughter has lots of lovely memories) but feel I must be missing something.

I now feel incredibly guilty for the way he has turned out, should I have done more, should I have changed everything? He blames me for living in the wrong area, wrong type of house, sending him to the wrong school, for not finding a male partner to provide a suitable role model. He ostracised himself from the entire family including his younger sibling (who is absolutely fine, hardworking, balanced, loving towards me, self-sufficient). He has now slowly recovered with a lot of support from grandparents and me and is working – he has rediscovered his relationships with the whole family, aunts, father, grandparents etc – except me. He maintains that he wants to keep a distance and will only come to me if he needs something (a pattern that has gone on for years). He reconnects on social media to ask for something then immediately cuts me off. He ignores my calls and messages. Everyone else finds him charming, confident, eloquent and caring, it’s just me that he shows his dark, nasty side to.

The thing is, I can’t be happy. Everything in my life is good or ok. My DP who I’ve been with for four years has no patience left with my son. He was initially very generous and caring towards my son’s needs but is now past caring after seeing what he calls as abuse continue. I feel I can’t move on. I feel alternately incredibly sad, a failure, haunted by what he see as me letting him down to feeling absolutely furious that he is treating me this way. He was my first born and I loved him so intensely, I have so many happy memories and photos of his upbringing. I know I’m deeply depressed over this, despite having a stable career, loving DP and daughter, I almost feel suicidal sometimes. Why would another human being treat someone like this? Why punish me so badly whilst now embracing the rest of the family he previously ‘hated’ (don't get me wrong, I'm happy about that, it's just humiliating that I have to get news of him from other members of the family). I’m left totally deflated and have burnt through all my savings, in fact got myself into debt financing him. I’ve had to stop now at my DP’s insistence as it was getting us nowhere, something else my son resents, as he thinks I somehow ‘owe him’.

How do I move on? Has anyone else managed to successfully move on with their life when their child has estranged themselves? I believe the weed changed intrinsically the person he was but he won’t hear of it, instead blaming me for everything.

I'd love to hear of other's experiences and opinions.

AIBU to hope he might change?

You're his punch bag because you're his mother and will always love him.

This ^^

I agree with PP's that for your own sake, you need to let him get on with his life and stop bailing him out financially or otherwise. With time, he may mature and realize that he can't blame you for everything that ever goes wrong in his life/any poor decisions he makes.

He's not the only person in the world who grew up in a single-parent household and didn't have everything (materially speaking) handed to them on a plate. Loads of ppl have to deal with their past and move on. I hope he can eventually.

@Fourleafcloverhope YANBU. I go through similar just like you and it's hard to cope. A doctor advised me to take antidepressants to cope but I got a bad reaction to it so I stopped. Now, I try out different non-medicine methods like talking. I used to speak to Samaritans. All this stress is a journey of self-healing in the long-run, what I mean is it will make us stronger. There will be a time where you will find inner peace from this. I promise you. Familial abuse is like a wound, let it hurt, let it bleed, but let it heal and let it go. I am trying to let it heal and let it go but it is taking a long time for me. Why is it taking a long time you might ask? Maybe because I need to believe in myself more, need more self-care and more self-love. Time is a healer.

@Fourleafcloverhope Have you told your doctor about what you are going through? They can help by suggesting suitable medication or talking therapy.

Take care
X

I'm sorry you're going through this pain.

You might benefit from reading this: www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Why is he doing it, OP? Because you're the one he can treat like that and not reject him. Is it easier for him than blaming himself and taking responsibility.

What can you do? Continue to love him and wait until he grows up and takes some responsibility. It sounds like he might be turning a corner based on engaging with the wider family.

I suppose where you'll face a difficult choice in particular is concerning continuing to fund him. It seems quite cynical with the asking for money then cutting you off. If you refuse then it might lead to no contact for some time but the alternative might not be much better.

Good luck.

Sounds like a really hard situation for you. It must be heartbreaking to lose contact with a child. My children are only small and I try my best but I can imagine our relationship won’t be great when they’re older, can well imagine being in your shoes.

Although from your op it sounds like you’ve done everything you can to support him and provided a loving home (maybe too supportive) his perception Is different. It hard for anyone here to judge the situation without both sides.

It sounds positive that he has turned his life around and reconnected with a lot of his family. Hopefully that will progress to you.

Would he be willing to talk through a mediator or meet to discuss things with a third person?

I think all you can do is make sure he always knows your are there for him (in a low key not over bearing way) and that you love him and hope he comes to you. However you need to keep boundaries around things like financing him, don’t give him money just because he makes contact with you. If he really wants a relationship whether you give him money or not won’t make a difference.

I really hope the situation get better for you. It sounds like his life has improved a lot recently so hopefully it looks positive for improvement in your relationship in the future.

My sympathies.

You probably weren’t the perfect parent, me neither. Your son still needs to take full responsibility for his actions. Imagine being him, he probably hated himself for his chaotic life so he’s painting himself as the victim and passing the guilt on to you, this is what addicts do. They paint themselves into a prison of lies to feel slightly better at being controlled by substances, if he took responsibility he’d have to have emotions he doesn’t want to face.

You’ve made superhuman efforts to help your son but the message you’re giving is it’s your fault so you’re running around trying to cure him. Stop it now, cut the strings, and he may sort himself out, he may not but that has nothing to do with you.

I think a fault in therapy is the endless talk about broken childhood’s, yes childhoods do have a lot to do with addiction but where’s the self responsibility? Taking responsibility is the only way out of the mess of addiction, without that we could all be helpless victims of almost everything, that’s no way to live.

I know ex drug addicts, they are inspirational, they got themselves out of a hopeless trap. The thing they have in common is they grew up and faced their huge demons. These people become incredibly insightful and grateful to be alive, they all went through pain and hardships to get there.

You’ll never unpick who’s to blame for what so stop it. Live your life, spend time and money on you and keep your son at arms length. I hope he sorts himself out but if he doesn’t you did everything, make your dreams come true.

OP, I feel for you SO MUCH. My child was like this. You are doing the right thing. The only thing you can do right now is nurture your own personal growth the way you once try to nurture your son's. My suggestion is to try to learn something new and to try some project that will be big enough to tune out those nagging voices that remind you of your child. His voice is lying and manipulating. He is an adult and has free will. If he has an idea about how to live life better, he can do it and show you how it is done. If he does a bad job, then it's on him.

God I feel for you, I really do.

BUt as so many other posters have said, you have to stop believing him when he blames you for everything.

You helping him, through everything he has thrown at you, tells him that you feel guilt. He's using that as an acceptance of your guilt, that you are actually to blame.

You're not. And it's about time he grew the fuck up and started taking some responsibility for himself, and not trying to continually make you "pay" for his fuck ups.

And they ARE his. Your DD isn't fucked up, is she? No! So it's not down to your parenting.

He's just shirking responsibility for every bad decision he's made, and you know what? He's ENJOYING hurting you like this.

NONE of this is on you. He is abusing you. Parent abuse is not that uncommon (sadly!) but is one of the least recognised or reported forms of abuse because it's contrary to the usual balance of power. But he IS abusing you, because he can, and because you've allowed him to in the past. You need to stop that now.

I don't know if this will be helpful to you but give it a go anyway noviolence.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/adoltopar.pdf - it discusses parental abuse by adolescents/youth. Your son is technically out of that age range, but only just - and he has been doing this for the last 10 years so it's still relevant.

I know he's your son, and you love him, and you just want to help but I think now is the time for the tough love - because it's hurting you and your partner and your DD, and he's just take, take, take and give nothing in return.

He may never come back to you - but he might, once he's actually grown up and sorted himself out - depending on how badly the weed affected him.

for you.

He sounds a bit like my sister tbh. Do you think that he could have a personality disorder? Borderline Paranoid Personality Disorder may fit. Also, Mind is a great site with loads of advice about mental health issues. This might be useful both for you and him. Get yourself better before you even think about reaching out to him. If he doesn't cope well with pressure and you get upset, then he could blame you for trying to guilt him/make him feel bad. I would also not allow him to treat you like this. It sounds very much like he is continuously trying to test you to see if you will still be there for him, however horrible he is. He may be looking for reassurance, given that his dad was useless. Some of this behaviour is definitely very similar to my sister. She cuts different people off at different points for seemingly no reason/imagined slights.

He blames you because he cannot and will not take responsibility for himself.

What his father did is down to his father. It must have been really tough on your son (and you too) but that is not your fault and it's very juvenile for your son to maintain that fallacy. He wants to believe that to relinquish himself from taking any responsibility for his own poor decisions. Addicts love to play the victim, it's a really horrible cycle. Until he's willing to take responsibility for himself, there's nothing you can do.

I hope you have some peace of mind knowing you've done absolutely everything you can to help your son and of course never give up hope and leave the door open. Focus on the your daughter and partner who love and appreciate you.

Until, and IF, he ever takes responsibility for his own actions then there is little you can do, sadly.
What you have done until now (out of love) has enabled him to decide to keep himself stuck in his cycle. If you stop rescuing him, he may have to face things, and this may help him, in the long run.
It doesn't sound as though it's 'all your fault' but that he is not ready to face things, perhaps the enormity of his feelings re his Dad,perhaps his part in things as he got older, and you are the scapegoat, always reliably in the background.
I'd stay quietly in the background. For your sake and his too.

I meant to say that you should appear to him to have a busy, happy, successful life.
It sometimes seems that DCs get satisfaction by making another's life bad. Why should it be only them that suffers. Also I think mother's showing their distress at harsh treatment from DCs feed the lack of respect the children have towards them. Instead be a busy, happy successful woman. Surely then it's harder then for the other person to treat you like a nuisance, bad, selfish, insignificant, or whatever they deem appropriate for the 'bad' person in their life. And if they do continue with their cruel treatment it shows it isn't having any effect on the person.

I cannot say whether your son will change. I see on here someone says he wont, I found it so incredibily difficult to access any kind of mental health help for mine. His most recent appointment with a psych in his home town, he was told a trainee would be present, he said he didnt want that (it IS your right) the consultant, then refused to see him. He said going to prison was the best thing that could have happened to him, and he started to turn his life around. (He was bullied by the inmates and the guards, he is tiny and stood up to them) He doesnt take any kind of drugs now, his eating and excersise routine would make Jo Wicks proud. He was for years just pumped full of antidepressants, getting higher and higher doses, said one day, he would rather feel the lows, with the highs than feel nothing at all.

Nanny, it's great that he turned his life around😊

He’s a grown man who seems to be very good at manipulating people around him. His behaviour isn’t your fault and it’s classic addict behaviour I’m afraid.