Will my estranged son ever forgive me?

[Fourleafcloverhope]

My son is 25, he started smoking weed at around 15 years old. I tried everything I could to stop him, including physically asking him to be banned from the ‘home’ of a friend where he used to go where the mother freely allowed it.

He has had a troubled past ten years since then, including gambling, depression, self-hate, in and out of jobs, lying, thieving etc. I’ve done all I could from talking to him in-depth, counselling, sending him to rehab (at his request), paying off debts, finding new jobs for him, sourcing new flats/apartments and setting him up each time, liaising with landlords, paying off previous rent arrears and getting new deposits sorted because after enthusing about the new flat he would within (literally) days decide it wasn’t quite right and want somewhere better. I found him jobs which he promptly left if someone spoke to him ‘out of turn’. He refused to contribute to the household running, leaving me with severe financial problems.

The thing is, he blames me for the way he is now. His father left when he was 3 and it did hit him hard, but I tried to compensate. His father has been a complete let down and disappointed him over the years which I always tried to make up for and distract from. We have been able to talk about this but he says it’s my fault for choosing such a rubbish human being as a father for my children. I can’t turn the clock back so what does he expect me to do. I wasn’t a perfect parent but I was kind and caring, loving and fun, I worked hard, gave up on looking for any sort of boyfriend for 15 years to focus on bringing them up, took them to stately homes (ironically), gave them all the care and attention I could in games, parties, treats, etc. I keep trawling back over their past to see where I went wrong (my daughter has lots of lovely memories) but feel I must be missing something.

I now feel incredibly guilty for the way he has turned out, should I have done more, should I have changed everything? He blames me for living in the wrong area, wrong type of house, sending him to the wrong school, for not finding a male partner to provide a suitable role model. He ostracised himself from the entire family including his younger sibling (who is absolutely fine, hardworking, balanced, loving towards me, self-sufficient). He has now slowly recovered with a lot of support from grandparents and me and is working – he has rediscovered his relationships with the whole family, aunts, father, grandparents etc – except me. He maintains that he wants to keep a distance and will only come to me if he needs something (a pattern that has gone on for years). He reconnects on social media to ask for something then immediately cuts me off. He ignores my calls and messages. Everyone else finds him charming, confident, eloquent and caring, it’s just me that he shows his dark, nasty side to.

The thing is, I can’t be happy. Everything in my life is good or ok. My DP who I’ve been with for four years has no patience left with my son. He was initially very generous and caring towards my son’s needs but is now past caring after seeing what he calls as abuse continue. I feel I can’t move on. I feel alternately incredibly sad, a failure, haunted by what he see as me letting him down to feeling absolutely furious that he is treating me this way. He was my first born and I loved him so intensely, I have so many happy memories and photos of his upbringing. I know I’m deeply depressed over this, despite having a stable career, loving DP and daughter, I almost feel suicidal sometimes. Why would another human being treat someone like this? Why punish me so badly whilst now embracing the rest of the family he previously ‘hated’ (don't get me wrong, I'm happy about that, it's just humiliating that I have to get news of him from other members of the family). I’m left totally deflated and have burnt through all my savings, in fact got myself into debt financing him. I’ve had to stop now at my DP’s insistence as it was getting us nowhere, something else my son resents, as he thinks I somehow ‘owe him’.

How do I move on? Has anyone else managed to successfully move on with their life when their child has estranged themselves? I believe the weed changed intrinsically the person he was but he won’t hear of it, instead blaming me for everything.

I'd love to hear of other's experiences and opinions.

AIBU to hope he might change?

Oh God, this is almost identical to my situation! It’s a long story which deserves it own thread but I went for counselling as part of my leaving my horribly abusive Ex and when we discussed this issue (of my only son) my therapist said there is absolutely nothing I can do but keep the channels of communication open. As she described it, it’s not the truth or facts that matter, it’s the individual perception and reality. He has his and I have mine. There is nothing you can do to change his perception of reality. He will blame you until he gets some self awareness, self reflection And proper counselling. He may never do this so you must prepare yourself for this. You must stop enabling him anyway. You tell him you love him but are not going to enable him anymore. Keep in touch with him to show you care but not bail him out. It’s been 12 years for me now, I send letters, texts, emails, all of with he ignores so I’ve stopped sending birthday and Xmas presents/money and just send a card wishing him well. He has also cut off my whole side of the family and has built relationships with my ex’s. my family are completely perplexed as to what they’ve done. You cannot control what he does or how he lives his life but you can control what you do. It cuts so deep that I have to try not to think about it or I’ll fall into depression too. PM me if it will help.

I have no additional advice from the above but your post moved me to tears. You’ve been through a lot and you’ve done all you can to save the relationship with your son. It’s time to focus on yourself. If he wants to build a relationship with you let him come to you. Please look after yourself now.

He maintains that he wants to keep a distance and will only come to me if he needs something (a pattern that has gone on for years).

Yeah, that’s not how it works. He is playing you like a fiddle and you are allowing it.

I am so sorry you are going through this. What you describe is a very common experience for parents of alcoholics/addicts even ones not actively using.

I learned things in al-anon that have helped me survive despite having an addicted loved one. Thank highly recommend studying the al-anon or bar-anon 12 steps.

There is also a forum on soberrecovery.com which has a wonderful friends and family section with some amazing people who thrive despite being in the same circumstance as you.

You did not cause this.

I would start by changing your privacy filters on FB. He can't unblock you and then send demanding messages if he can't find you on there.

Not an answer to the bigger issue but may give you a bit of breathing space from having him repeatedly reopen the wound.

He's just looking for an excuse to blame his poor choices on someone else - you. His life is of his making. Don't take it on airs that you're to blame. Some people just love playing the victim and blaming everyone and everything else for their bad decisions.

Have been in this situation, this same DS ended up in Prison, in the end. DH, (not Father) persuded me to take the tough love route, it was incredibly hard. He was 18 at the time. Our GP was convinced his mental problems were caused by the various drugs, I wasnt sure, having obviously, been his DM long before any drug taking. Eventually, after 10 years, got a diagnosis of bi-polar,he' s on the autistic spectrum, severe depression, we will never know whether that was caused by the drugs, or he took the drungs because he felt depsressed. He was thrown out several times. I also felt guilty and because of the man I had fallen for. DS is now mid 30's his own place, I see him every couple of weeks, sometimes he is very low, sometimes, fizzing and manic, we talk about how things were and blow me, he says, as an adult you have to take some responsibility for your own,choices,behavior. Unofrunately, you have to be cruel to be kind. There were many times when I thought my DS wouldn't still be alive, and would of course, have blamed myself.

He knows he has you where he wants you. He is abusing you, absolutely. I told my son once that he knew I was the only one in the world who really had his back, and if he didnt treat me better, he'd be out. He thought about it and it caused a massive change in his behaviour. Where you have gone wrong is you are accepting the behaviour so he knows he can do it again and again.

He’s certainly seems to have unresolved anger issues with you but I suspect that’s not something you are going to be able to unravel alone.

You need to be very clear that the bank has closed and you now have no credit, only debts. I have a suspicion that if you started completely blanking him and was not available in any way shape or form he’d actually move towards you. This is the heart of an abusive relationship. He gets power from punishing and controlling you. It feeds him. If you cut that off he’d have to move towards you to try and reestablish the control again.

Only you can decide you’ve had enough and stop trying. I don’t know if you remember Eastenders with Nick and Dot Cotton? It sounds really similar to that dynamic.

He can’t stop blaming you for his bad behaviour and poor choices.

Because if he does he will have to blame himself, and he’s not grown up enough to be ready to do that.

He needs to grow up pdq and smell the reality. He probably would benefit greatly from counselling but it is unlikely he will go for that.

He’s quite happy blaming you for the worlds problems while at the same time using you for money when it suits him.

Don’t give him any money.
Get counselling yourself.
You’ve done all you can leaving them lines of communication open.

One day he will grow up. Who knows when that will be though.

Please let him go .I know it is very hard ,but a friend of ours had a Son of 45 who still blamed her for everything! He would turn up sporadically have some food/money/cigarettes/beer anything else he could get! Then take off wouldnt hear from him till the next time!ATM he is blaming you because his life hasnt turned out well .At 25 he is a fully grown adult FFS! Weed has a weird effect on people and is not good for MH.Maybe see a Counsellor for some help dealing with your feelings if you can.

Get counselling
Grieve for the relationship you hoped for and learn to let go.
Not your fault - you can still cherish your happy memories of his childhood once you are at peace with seeing if he returns later more emotionally aware.
Do not give him anything, do not indulge the narrative of blame. Acknowledge his upset and say you are happy to spend time on him, that you care for him and don’t react when he tantrums in response.
Live your life and enjoy your connections. It isn’t fair, it is hard but he may yet improve.

Much easier for your DS to blame you/anyone else for whatever is wrong in his life than to take responsibility himself and fix it.

This could be one of my relatives, he's been bailed out countless times by his parents and I feel for his sibling who just gets on with life.

@Fourleafcloverhope

My DS had a less than ideal childhood {his dad left when he was four} , he had to go to a state school in a 'rough' area, Suffered anguish when his dad let him down again and again..

Do not keep bailing him out!

This does no good at all.

You probably rushed in to ''save'' your boy...BUT this keeps them infantilised .

Tough love is what is needed, and your son has to take responsibility for his actions.

I 'got tough' with my DS at a critical stage, and called the police.

{he was being destructive indoors}
Son said recently it was the best thing I did...Not sure what the police said, {it was one copper in particular that spoke to him in private}

But it showed son that he couldn't be bargy and angry, and take it out on me.

He took responsibility, eventually paid for his own counselling {I offered} and is much much better for it.

Babying them is no good.

He sounds like his dad.

I am so sorry for you OP, but truly the very best thing that you can do for your son going forwards is to let him grow up. Say NO to any future requests for financial aid (or room in your home). Tell him that you love him and always will, but you will not be his emotional punchbag anymore, nor will you take any more of his abuse.

It does sound like he is immature and perhaps will grow up when he is cut free totally by you. (Which does not mean withdrawal of your love)

This is what weed does. It's ruined the lives of a few of my friends children's lives. Plenty of weed lovers on this site though.
He needs to sort himself out now. He's a grown man. This is not your fault.

This is one of the saddest posts I've read on here. I feel so sorry for you, OP, you sound such a lovely person.

Strange how he blames you for choosing a rubbish partner, but not realising HE himself is a rubbish son. He would be a rubbish partner himself - who would want someone who treats their mother like that when she has given him everything he has ever needed?

He is abusing you and is showing dreadful cruelty.

I agree you should get some counselling. Probably, I would not follow him on social media and it might be best for a while if any contact from him went through your daughter or partner, so it is clear that they are not allowing him to treat you so badly.

Hugs to you, OP.

this is what weed does
I think that's too much of a blanket statement but of course compulsively using drugs (legal or illegal) instead of facing your problems is likely to be counterproductive.

OP - what is it you want from him? If he is in a job, is off the drugs and has some where decent to live - that is all you can hope for.

You did your best. This is not your fault.

I suspect the only reason he can re-bond with other family members is that with them he can maintain his superficial pretence of being a reformed character. Sooner or later, the cracks will show, he will abuse their love, generosity, tolerance and forgiveness as he has abused yours. They will find it out the hard way.

The reason he "can't forgive" you is because that would mean facing his own guilt and responsibility.admitting that everything he has done to you over and over is the proof of his real self. The lying, faithless, abusive, manipulative deserter who can never be trusted.

      You can't fix him.  But you can stop  enabling all the his worst characteristics and behaviour,. and  you should, for his sake as well as your own and your partners sake.   No more rescues,  bail-outs, handouts, cover ups.

Heartbreaking, OP. You both need help via counselling or therapy - you as others have said above to help guide you to living your own life happily and drawing boundaries, and him so that he stops making massive angry projections on to you that are more to do with his father. I have seen something similar in my own family where huge anger and resentment towards one member was directed instead to another, completely unfairly, though that person was an easier target, and more accessible. This happens when people like your son remain unaware of their unconscious motives. He needs help with this if he is to live happily in future and have good relationships (though probably best if he arranges it himself!). I hope you both find peace and balance.

He won’t change (so my poll response it YABU).

However, this is not all you fault and you should work on maintaining your joy without him.

It’s sounds like you have nothing for be forgiven for. Your son will only realise this when he starts taking responsibility for his own behaviour.