Will my estranged son ever forgive me?

[Fourleafcloverhope]

My son is 25, he started smoking weed at around 15 years old. I tried everything I could to stop him, including physically asking him to be banned from the ‘home’ of a friend where he used to go where the mother freely allowed it.

He has had a troubled past ten years since then, including gambling, depression, self-hate, in and out of jobs, lying, thieving etc. I’ve done all I could from talking to him in-depth, counselling, sending him to rehab (at his request), paying off debts, finding new jobs for him, sourcing new flats/apartments and setting him up each time, liaising with landlords, paying off previous rent arrears and getting new deposits sorted because after enthusing about the new flat he would within (literally) days decide it wasn’t quite right and want somewhere better. I found him jobs which he promptly left if someone spoke to him ‘out of turn’. He refused to contribute to the household running, leaving me with severe financial problems.

The thing is, he blames me for the way he is now. His father left when he was 3 and it did hit him hard, but I tried to compensate. His father has been a complete let down and disappointed him over the years which I always tried to make up for and distract from. We have been able to talk about this but he says it’s my fault for choosing such a rubbish human being as a father for my children. I can’t turn the clock back so what does he expect me to do. I wasn’t a perfect parent but I was kind and caring, loving and fun, I worked hard, gave up on looking for any sort of boyfriend for 15 years to focus on bringing them up, took them to stately homes (ironically), gave them all the care and attention I could in games, parties, treats, etc. I keep trawling back over their past to see where I went wrong (my daughter has lots of lovely memories) but feel I must be missing something.

I now feel incredibly guilty for the way he has turned out, should I have done more, should I have changed everything? He blames me for living in the wrong area, wrong type of house, sending him to the wrong school, for not finding a male partner to provide a suitable role model. He ostracised himself from the entire family including his younger sibling (who is absolutely fine, hardworking, balanced, loving towards me, self-sufficient). He has now slowly recovered with a lot of support from grandparents and me and is working – he has rediscovered his relationships with the whole family, aunts, father, grandparents etc – except me. He maintains that he wants to keep a distance and will only come to me if he needs something (a pattern that has gone on for years). He reconnects on social media to ask for something then immediately cuts me off. He ignores my calls and messages. Everyone else finds him charming, confident, eloquent and caring, it’s just me that he shows his dark, nasty side to.

The thing is, I can’t be happy. Everything in my life is good or ok. My DP who I’ve been with for four years has no patience left with my son. He was initially very generous and caring towards my son’s needs but is now past caring after seeing what he calls as abuse continue. I feel I can’t move on. I feel alternately incredibly sad, a failure, haunted by what he see as me letting him down to feeling absolutely furious that he is treating me this way. He was my first born and I loved him so intensely, I have so many happy memories and photos of his upbringing. I know I’m deeply depressed over this, despite having a stable career, loving DP and daughter, I almost feel suicidal sometimes. Why would another human being treat someone like this? Why punish me so badly whilst now embracing the rest of the family he previously ‘hated’ (don't get me wrong, I'm happy about that, it's just humiliating that I have to get news of him from other members of the family). I’m left totally deflated and have burnt through all my savings, in fact got myself into debt financing him. I’ve had to stop now at my DP’s insistence as it was getting us nowhere, something else my son resents, as he thinks I somehow ‘owe him’.

How do I move on? Has anyone else managed to successfully move on with their life when their child has estranged themselves? I believe the weed changed intrinsically the person he was but he won’t hear of it, instead blaming me for everything.

I'd love to hear of other's experiences and opinions.

AIBU to hope he might change?

He maintains that he wants to keep a distance and will only come to me if he needs something (a pattern that has gone on for years). He reconnects on social media to ask for something then immediately cuts me off

The best thing you could do now is drop the guild, get therapy (a lot!) and live your own best life. You've poured everything into him- did it help? No, he has got better in terms of the drugs and stability when he chose.

I would leave him to it. I don't think you can stop being sad as he's your child, but you can stop feeling guilty. My feeling is he's still a very manipulative and not very nice person, sorry, and all your guilt and hand-wringing is actually making him worse and nastier.

You aren't giving him the chance to come to you, as you are still chasing after him, grovelling and apologising to him when you have NOTHING to be be sorry for. As a single parent myself I know you can only do so much and you cannot actually heal the fact that a father is missing- you just have to do your best and hope they survive the whole thing!

This dynamic is not working, the only one that you can change is you- I suggest you pull back completely, look after yourself, and if he asks you/provokes you/speaks to you, just be firm that you did your best and you are moving on with your life and that it is up to him how he wants to take this forward- you can only have respectful, reasonable people in your life, which will hopefully (but not necessarily) include him.

He may change. He may not. But as you've discovered, feeding his faults doesn't make that happen. None of this is your fault at all. But he's become an entitled brat who thinks that everyone (mostly you) owe him the life he wants without any effort on his part. You have done nothing that needs to be forgiven. He, on the other hand, has a huge list that you might be able to one day forgive him for. But not yet. Stop enabling him. And block him on social media etc. Make it clear that he doesn't get to cut you off, and that your time and care is available on terms, with respect, and not on his terms as demands. And if other family members are too blind to see what he is like, he can go too them with his demands. See how long he's charming then!

I do also agree with the person that said- why is it ok to sacrifice yours, your partners and your daughter's happiness on the altar of your son. You have lost money, hate yourself, feel depressed/suicidal- all over him, as if they simply don't count. This must actually be very upsetting for your daughter who would like a happier mum and actually deserves one!

I think you need therapy/counselling and possibly to talk to the drs about your depression as you are fixating on things that cannot be changed and obsessing about things in a way detrimental to you and your family and this is such a shame.

Your situation sounds much like mine op

Sounds like my brother 😔 it’s heart breaking. He also smoked weed during adolescence- I genuinely think it has changed him.

He does this because ironically he knows your love is deep enough that he can behave like this with no consequences. No matter how cruel and awful he is, you will be there.

THIS ^

But for his sake, as well as that of your other children, your DP and yourself - you really must pull back from this vicious circle of demand/abuse/non-communication.

Next time he contacts you for something - sy "No". The fall out will be horrendous, no doubt, but if you don't step back from this horror show all of your lives will be ruined by it. You can't make anything up to him if he won't let you. Concentrate on the rest of your family and let him play his mind games on someone else.

He is blaming you because it is easier than facing the fact that he has made bad choice after bad choice, and it is those choices that have led to where he is now, @Fourleafcloverhope.

From what you said in your OP, it sounds like you did everything in your power to give him a good life, to raise him to be an independent adult, and to put him back on the right path when he started making those bad choices. I don't think you have anything to blame yourself for, or to feel guilty for. You aren't responsible for his father being such a disappointment to him - I am sure you didn't marry him knowing what he'd become or how badly he would act. The only person responsible for his father's failure as a father IS his father.

I think your dh is right and your son's attitude towards you is abusive, and you DO NOT deserve it. You need to forgive yourself, to learn to believe that you are NOT responsible for your son's bad choices or his father's failure to be a decent parent. Your son needs to do some serious growing up - and hopefully, when he does, he will realise how much you did for him, and how he has to take some personal responsibility for his bad choices, and he will come back and apologise - and I am sure that, when he does, you will welcome him back - but in the meantime, you need to stop accepting his abuse.

If he was a toddler who was blaming you for not being able to have more chocolate, you'd be able to assert yourself and say no to him. Your son is really acting like a giant toddler and you need to set your boundaries accordingly.

Sometimes the best thing is to allow adult children to grow up, and stepping away is the best way to do that. It seems counterintuitive and every fibre of your being is telling you to make it better for him. But we can't make everything better for a grown man.

Please focus on yourself and healing yourself for all you've been through. Think of your partner and daughter who've been saints from the sound of it putting up with all this nonsense. He's still young and can turn things around. But only HE can turn it around.

My armchair diagnosis is that he is in so much pain from the rejection by his father that he hasn't properly processed it and is directing his anger at you instead.
I don't know what the answer is but I think you have to let go of any expectation/ hope and accept that he doesn't want a relationship with you, this will help you to take the power away from him
at the moment you have a damaged and dysfunctional person acting as puppet master and that isn't good for anyone.
your son behaves as if you owe him something he is trying to get you to compensate him for the lack of a father, every time you finance him you reinforce his belief that he is entitled to this compensation, you are behaving like a mug and this gives him grounds to continue treating you like a mug.
I think you have to set boundaries and stick to them no matter how painful otherwise you'll be forever stuck in limbo.

His behaviour is unacceptable. Do not allow his ridiculous blaming, I think you are inadvertently letting him feel he's right and you're wrong. As I keep telling my kids, an explanation (in this case drugs, his crap about his dad is bollocks) is not the same as an excuse (his crap treatment of you). Until he shapes up, I would just move on with your life. He can have a relationship with you when he treats you with respect.

Your son sound spoiled and petulant you have done everything you can for him and it still isn't enough he is a grown arsed man let him stew and stop bailing him out.

So sorry you’re going through this op.

His self entitlement seems to prevent him from taking responsibility for his own behaviour.
He needs to realise that we can’t control things around us, but we can control our own attitude and behaviour towards it.

I wasn’t a perfect parent

No one is a perfect parent!

You say he said he didn't have a good male role model growing up but if you had got married after his dad left he would have said something else like you chose a new man over him.

We are all affected by our parents - good and bad.
Some things my parents did when I was younger I secretly still get angry about but actually on the whole they were fantastic parents.
It is only now that I have my own DC can I realise how much my mum did for me and how much she loves me and that parents are normal people like everyone else!

I have friends who don't speak to their parents as they can't get over what their parents did when they were young - even though it was nothing that bad!
I think we are more sensitive when we are younger and it shapes our view so that it is so ingrained that it is difficult to let it go.

I don't think you should completely cut him off from your life as he will only resent you more. But if I was you I would take a step back - help him only if he really needs it.
Eg. He can find his own job but you can help print out his CV. So you are still helping him without it draining you.

I'm not an expert but in my own family the healing that happened in relationships came when both parties could come together and re-make their relationships as adults, rather than stuck in the parent/child dynamic. At 25 he is an adult now and he will either 'grow up', take responsibility for his life, money, work and relationships, and from that place choose to have a relationship with you - or he won't.

You can't control him, or control when or if he will do this. What you can control is your own side of this - trying to think of him and relate to him more like an adult, and less like the young adolescent that you moved mountains to help. I also think that for you to feel better about the relationship you need to really make peace with him being an adult now - which I think includes giving him the freedom to be in contact or not.

I realise it must be massively hurtful but for your own wellbeing you must try to make some peace with the situation. It certainly sounds like you've done everything a child can reasonably expect of a parent, so hopefully knowing that can bring you some calm?

Reading between the lines a bit, it seems like there's a lot of pressure on the relationship with your son - that you can't be happy unless he's forgiven you/ is treating you well - and perhaps it's that pressure that he feels and that is somehow causing his unreasonable behaviour. Taking this pressure off him - by being ok without him being in contact - seems to me like it's the first step.

I'd really encourage you to get some counselling and support. Focus on your own healing - because that's the bit you can control. When all is said and done, you deserve to be happy. Good luck

My cousin is in almost the exact same situation apart from she is 5 years older, her mum suddenly right before lockdown and we are desperately trying to get her sectioned because she has become dangerous to herself and others.

Your son is acting abusively towards you and you are unfortunately out of deep love for him, enabling him. It might be more beneficial to him in the long run for you to love him by encouraging him to be more independent and fix his own mistakes.

Sorry you're going through this. I'm sure nothing feels like the right answer but I will pray for you as well as my cousin today.

He has got it into his head that you are just there to wipe his arse let him get on with his life and don't allow him "to punish" you for bugger all

Hard as it is, you have to stop trying to buy him back.

He is using you as a scapegoat for all his years of addiction,
At this stage you have become an enabler. & are in the FOG, (fear, obligation, guilt. )
Let him leech off all his newly preferred relations.
You are entitled to peace, this can start today, Go Low contact... or better, No contact

Read up on oppositional defiant disorder and strategies to cope with adult children with the disorder. Your son may well not have it but many of the recommended strategies might be useful to you in terms of ensuring you manage your own boundaries and reactions to him.

He blames you as it’s easier to do this than face the fact he is responsible for his own actions. From what you say, you have been an exemplary parent. There is nothing for him to forgive. Start being kind to yourself.

There's nothing to forgive. You did your best and, if your best wasn't good enough for him, that's his problem. You can't change him or his reactions to you, you can only change your own reactions to him.
As other posters have said, he needs to treat you with respect or not at all. Do not respond to his demands and do not fund his addiction anymore. His addiction isn't just to weed, it's to his lifestyle and the person he has chosen to become. You need to get therapy, CBT will help here, and focus on your DP and your DD. They deserve your love and attention more than he does. He's 25. A grown-up. Not a child and he no longer needs parenting, he needs to sort his life out. He will or he won't, but it's no longer your place to do it for him. He has forfeited that right. Your health and happiness is what you need to focus on now. Good luck.

This is a tough read. Your son is clearly abusing you. You need some help with your self esteem and you need to let him go. Can you afford counselling?

You poor thing. Horrendous for you but you need to concentrate on your partner and daughter. I would block him on SM and your phone. Ask relatives not to tell you about him - you don't need to know.
Perhaps counseling would help? CBT is good for this to break the pattern of mother guilt. I feel for you, it's so hard, but you need to before you have a breakdown.

Just sending you a huge hug. It is a heart breaking situation. You sound like a wonderful human being and you have done everything you can. It is for him now to try and make amends with you which sadly he may not and that is his lack and his loss. Can you find a way of looking to a future which doesn't include him? I know that would be very hard and involve going through a difficult grieving process but it sounds like he is keeping you stuck when your life is full of lovely people who love and appreciate you. Best of luck. It is very very hard! x

Is he still in contact with his father? He sounds like a chip off the old block. Patterns of 'blaming' start in childhood, often encouraged by one parent, and then as an adult, it's as though the person has grooves carved in their brain so that whenever something happens that they don't like, their thoughts just go down the same old groove of blaming a particular person - sometimes it's another parent, sometimes it's another sibling. But the default reaction is to blame that other person even if that other person wasn't even there or involved. It's like a pre-set. Not sure how else to describe it, but there is a similar dynamic in my family and I realised a few years ago that the only recourse open to me was to keep away.