Will my estranged son ever forgive me?

[Fourleafcloverhope]

My son is 25, he started smoking weed at around 15 years old. I tried everything I could to stop him, including physically asking him to be banned from the ‘home’ of a friend where he used to go where the mother freely allowed it.

He has had a troubled past ten years since then, including gambling, depression, self-hate, in and out of jobs, lying, thieving etc. I’ve done all I could from talking to him in-depth, counselling, sending him to rehab (at his request), paying off debts, finding new jobs for him, sourcing new flats/apartments and setting him up each time, liaising with landlords, paying off previous rent arrears and getting new deposits sorted because after enthusing about the new flat he would within (literally) days decide it wasn’t quite right and want somewhere better. I found him jobs which he promptly left if someone spoke to him ‘out of turn’. He refused to contribute to the household running, leaving me with severe financial problems.

The thing is, he blames me for the way he is now. His father left when he was 3 and it did hit him hard, but I tried to compensate. His father has been a complete let down and disappointed him over the years which I always tried to make up for and distract from. We have been able to talk about this but he says it’s my fault for choosing such a rubbish human being as a father for my children. I can’t turn the clock back so what does he expect me to do. I wasn’t a perfect parent but I was kind and caring, loving and fun, I worked hard, gave up on looking for any sort of boyfriend for 15 years to focus on bringing them up, took them to stately homes (ironically), gave them all the care and attention I could in games, parties, treats, etc. I keep trawling back over their past to see where I went wrong (my daughter has lots of lovely memories) but feel I must be missing something.

I now feel incredibly guilty for the way he has turned out, should I have done more, should I have changed everything? He blames me for living in the wrong area, wrong type of house, sending him to the wrong school, for not finding a male partner to provide a suitable role model. He ostracised himself from the entire family including his younger sibling (who is absolutely fine, hardworking, balanced, loving towards me, self-sufficient). He has now slowly recovered with a lot of support from grandparents and me and is working – he has rediscovered his relationships with the whole family, aunts, father, grandparents etc – except me. He maintains that he wants to keep a distance and will only come to me if he needs something (a pattern that has gone on for years). He reconnects on social media to ask for something then immediately cuts me off. He ignores my calls and messages. Everyone else finds him charming, confident, eloquent and caring, it’s just me that he shows his dark, nasty side to.

The thing is, I can’t be happy. Everything in my life is good or ok. My DP who I’ve been with for four years has no patience left with my son. He was initially very generous and caring towards my son’s needs but is now past caring after seeing what he calls as abuse continue. I feel I can’t move on. I feel alternately incredibly sad, a failure, haunted by what he see as me letting him down to feeling absolutely furious that he is treating me this way. He was my first born and I loved him so intensely, I have so many happy memories and photos of his upbringing. I know I’m deeply depressed over this, despite having a stable career, loving DP and daughter, I almost feel suicidal sometimes. Why would another human being treat someone like this? Why punish me so badly whilst now embracing the rest of the family he previously ‘hated’ (don't get me wrong, I'm happy about that, it's just humiliating that I have to get news of him from other members of the family). I’m left totally deflated and have burnt through all my savings, in fact got myself into debt financing him. I’ve had to stop now at my DP’s insistence as it was getting us nowhere, something else my son resents, as he thinks I somehow ‘owe him’.

How do I move on? Has anyone else managed to successfully move on with their life when their child has estranged themselves? I believe the weed changed intrinsically the person he was but he won’t hear of it, instead blaming me for everything.

I'd love to hear of other's experiences and opinions.

AIBU to hope he might change?

@BMW6

I am so sorry for you OP, but truly the very best thing that you can do for your son going forwards is to let him grow up. Say NO to any future requests for financial aid (or room in your home). Tell him that you love him and always will, but you will not be his emotional punchbag anymore, nor will you take any more of his abuse.

It does sound like he is immature and perhaps will grow up when he is cut free totally by you. (Which does not mean withdrawal of your love)

Good advice! My son didn't use drugs {to my knowledge} but took all his anger and frustration out on the house! The worst was when he took an axe to an internal door when I'd locked his phone in there.

He said {recently} that he hated the way he felt back then, so angry.
Hunger exacerbated it..

One has to make a stand.
I'm so grateful to that copper.
DS won't say what the copper said, but said it was a pivotal moment in his growing up.

Being a parent isn't easy at times.

This is addict rhetoric. It says a lot about where he is in his recovery; not very far at all. I had this from my late husband - it was my fault he drank, it was the kids' fault, it was the people at work - it was never, ever him.

The best thing you can do is get counselling and support for yourself and stop enabling him. Don't ever give him anything again. Don't engage with him at all. If he ever admits to all the harm he has caused you and everyone else around him, that can change, but until then leave him as he is and focus on the people around you who deserve your time and effort.

Another one saying step back. He’s told you that he wants space. Give it to him.
Do not respond to requests for money etc only respond to steps towards reconciliation.

I also recognise this dynamic and I sympathise.

This is going to sound harsh but the problem here is your enabling and codependency. Until you address this you are not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with your son.

It might have felt kind and supportive to find him new jobs and flats, but it really wasn't because you have deprived him of valuable life lessons and natural consequences. It's not normal for a parent to do those things and in doing so you actively made him dependant on you.Now he's older that dependency has turned into resentment and blame.

You really need to get to the bottom of this behaviour in yourself. What are you getting out of handing over all your savings to him? Do you really believe that he is so utterly incompetent he will starve otherwise? Make no mistake, seeing your adult child as incompetent and helpless damages them.

Lots of people unwittingly enable. I've done it myself for many years and like you it has harmed my relationships and my own self esteem. You can fix this but it has to start with yourself. No more martyrdom and hand wringing. Instead put your energy into learning about codependency and enabling. There's plenty on line and some counselling will probably help you too.

Detach from him op...you have to for the sake of your own mental health and wellbeing...I also think if you stepped back he will come to you.

People with addictive personalities (my cousin is one) often can’t accept responsibility for anything. They often view love and caring as weakness. As you already have a child who cares about you and who can give you a family life; in your position I would just go low contact with him or even cut him off. He is an adult now and needs to take responsibility for the shit he did (including the weed which changes the brain chemistry of people who take it) but it’s not up to you to fix things for him.

I had a child with your son. In the end his smoking led to a heart attack and such mental instability that we split up. Nothing was or is ever his fault. He too blames his mum (who was completely emotionally unavailable in his early years as her husband left her and she fell apart). But if it wasn't her he would find someone else to blame. It's what they do. He has improved since I went to court to get him drug tested before he could get access. He is much better now he no longer takes weed. But please understand until he stops it will always be like this. As others have said, many men had far worse upbringings but do not act like this. I really think weed (and especially skunk) during adolescence can really ruin lives. You have done your best, it is up to him now.

You need to reclaim some control here.
Don't bail him out again.
You don't have to have a big conversation about it, you just have to say a solid 'no' when asked.
Don't reach out while he's still in the midst of this chaotic lifestyle. He needs to make a decision to change for himself. Natural to feel some guilt here but really the best way to help him now is to walk away, preserve yourself.

@BMW6

I am so sorry for you OP, but truly the very best thing that you can do for your son going forwards is to let him grow up. Say NO to any future requests for financial aid (or room in your home). Tell him that you love him and always will, but you will not be his emotional punchbag anymore, nor will you take any more of his abuse.

It does sound like he is immature and perhaps will grow up when he is cut free totally by you. (Which does not mean withdrawal of your love)

This is very wise advice from @BMW6.

Op
So cruel , you don’t deserve this
No one deserves this
But this is what you have
I’d personally cut the maternal strings
He is an adult now and all he does is hurt you
I know it’s massively cheesy but the AA line about accepting the things you cannot change is very apt here
Time to look after yourself I think

Hi OP , I agree entirely with what @AnyFucker says ...

I’m so sorry - detach and get on with your life and while doing so look at and admire your lovely daughter , and feel proud .
You’ve clearly been the best mum you can be and he is behaving appallingly which is a choice that he makes .

Oh OP how heartbreaking for you. 💐
You ask if anyone has learnt to accept this situation . Well I have ( mostly ) The situation with our DD is similar to yours . Her DF and I are together but most of the rest of what you have written applies to us too . Especially blaming us for everything

I found a counsellor who specialised in family break up and had a lot of sessions. . Was hard work but ultimately freed my from the majority of my guilt /pain .

Still have moments of sadness but in general I feel I can now enjoy my life again and treasure the fantastic relationships I do have .

For the moment would it be worth explaining to family and friends that he is in contact with to refrain from giving you information about his life . I can imagine how truly painful that must be.

You sound like you have a lovely partner and daughter . Concentrate your love 💔 on them.

Hi OP I just wanted to chip in and say my brother also started to smoke weed as a teen and all of his adult life. He sounds a lot like your son. He is also very angry with my parents, and our childhood was lovely. My parents are very competent, loving people who tried everything. They are together. The other siblings all turned out fine. It’s weed, not you.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP except perhaps over compensate for your DS’s father’s absence. You love your son like all mother’s do, but that doesn’t mean you have to like him. He is treating you terribly because he knows he can and yet you will still keep bending over backwards to do what he wants. He has no respect for you because you have allowed him to treat you so badly that you have lost respect for yourself. He is emotionally abusing you and if I were your other child I would be furious with the two of you. It’s time to stop letting him walk all over you. Don’t give him one more single thing. If he asks for any help at all just tell him a firm no. No if or buts, reasons/excuses or anything else, just no! He has manipulated and used you for long enough!

All you can do is detach. Stop bailing him, financially, emotionally, stop dealing with people on his behalf, stop finding him jobs, stop finding him places to live. You need to stop.

As long as you are doing everything for him he will not take accountability for his life.

Nothing you did led him to take drugs. When people with still developing brains self medicate with drugs it alters the brain. They learn not to deal with anything and instead just block it out. They stunt their intellectual growth.

He will not accept that the drugs have fucked his brain because the drugs have fucked his brain and he cannot think in a rational way. This is why I get so mad when people take smoking weed so lightly.

Tell him you love him, but stop helping him. Instead turn into your relationship with your partner.

Stop following his life - you say you only hear about him through others. Stop discussing him with others, stop asking about him (if you do).

I've come across a good few young /teen men who are offhand and ungrateful to their mothers. But as their mothers do everything for them it's hard to sympathise. I would def take a step back, don't bail him out, remove him from your fb/inst etc

I think children often only appreciate what their parents have done once they have children of their own.

I feel very sorry for your DD and DP. Go for counselling and try to move on from this.

You sound like you’ve been an amazing mother to your ds. None of us are perfect & we all do our best. It sounds like your ds is taking out his frustrations, hurt & anger out on you, which is what we tend to do to those we feel closest too. It’s easier because we expect them to forgive us & love is unconditionally. Perhaps you could write to him and let him know how hurt you are & gently remind him of how you’ve always been there for him. Don’t give up, I’m sure things will eventually will improve when he realises for himself how much you care. [flowers

Thank you MissLucyEyelesbarrow for opening my eyes on how this affects other people.

I do try to minimise the effects of his behaviour on me but yes, I do moan to both my DP and DD and realise that this is not good, or fair to them.

Sometimes it takes a forum like this to help you see the wood from the trees.

Everyone has been very kind and helpful with their responses, thank you x

I am so sorry to read this, it could have been written by me 10 years ago. Sadly I have nothing good to tell you, I haven’t had any contact with my eldest son for many years. I also put it down to smoking weed at 15 and progressing to more serious things. My other boys are both graduates with good jobs and lovely families - it’s unfathomable to me, and very sad. I too felt I could never be truly happy but as time goes on it is less raw. It’s always there in the background though.

Let's face it, @Fourleafcloverhope there's unlikely to be some dazzling Epiphany moment when your DS wakes up and realises you loved and cared for him and was always there for him unlike his Father.

It is more likely he will slowly through life come to the realisation about what advantages you gave him and the fact that he squandered many opportunities. That's a far more helpful realisation to him, to be able to admit to himself that he has made a bunch of very bad decisions and it could take him many years to play catch-up, while is peers are getting on with their careers, building financial stability and for in relationships.

Wait for that moment, when he shows you he is building his life and gaining positive reinforcement from his own cumulative successes in the years to come, rather than him admitting that he has "forgiven you" because he is unlikely to see it like that.

forming relationships

Take one big positive from all of this, everything you have already done for DS is "in the bag", it's achieved it's delivered, and nobody can ever take that away from you as his DM.

Sometimes in these situations one can regret that action wasn't taken or more could have been done, but based on what you've said, nothing more could have been done, so be proud of what you did when that time was right. You never need to regret.

He should be the one looking for forgiveness from you not the other way round, you did your best with him and you also did too much for him when he was an adult, he's treated you terribly and maybe you need to tell him that and that he can come and apologise to you when he realises this

This is codependence.

Basic wiki definition -

Codependency is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.

You’re basically nuking your life and destroying your other good relationships and your health over this.

At some point you have to make a decision that he is not going to pull you down with him.

Checkout Codependents Anonymous - you could work through these issues with therapy.

What a sad situation. I don’t blame you for feeling so awful about it. My brother is like this with my parents but at least he shares his contempt around by being horrible to lots of people so it doesn’t feel quite so bad.
Can you afford counselling for yourself? This is a huge thing and I think it might help to understand and manage your feelings. You are going to feel sad about this for along time so yo7 need to do what you can to minimise it. Even if he doesn’t change his behaviour you will probably feel a bit better about it over time.