AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

When do you go out with your friends or together??
I often wasn't back from work then as young and childless I was building my career.. I would often be work/gym/out....or work/ study did extra qualifications because I could ...galleries/theatre etc friends did drama/dancing

I loved my late 20's early 30's pre kids ....was probably the most enriching time of my life! And meant that when I had dc I had a group of friends and a career to go back too..

Please don't go to bed at 830 or knit your life away ( I craft so get that) work out what you want to do...try something new even if its a night class in something crafty .. or a professional qualification for your future

Brian can go to bed at 830 if he wants your not stopping him..

I couldn't live like you are OP. It's ridiculous and he's an unbearable bore - wanting things his way, forcing you to go to bed and over-reacting and demanding apologies. What a fragile ego! Hearing stuff like this makes me glad to not be in a relationship.

And just to counter the ageist stereotypes. I am 56, I leave the upstairs windows open when I go out, go to bed after midnight, have lots of friends and go out and have fun. Most people posting on MN have very many more boring routines than I do. I really don't have any. Just live OP! And do it your way!

FippertyGibbett the op has said that her husband never apologises for anything and I think she said that he never thinks he is wrong. Someone who won't apologise for his own behaviour has a bloody cheek demanding an apology from another person and then getting arsy about the quality of that apology.

I think for lots of people the ability to say sorry is incredibly important in a relationship. It's the indicator of a mature, well rounded personality. The op did nothing she needed to apologise for.

My mil never apologised or thought she was in the wrong, ever. She had a diagnosed mental illness, but it was clear she had a personality disorder on top of that. She was an incredibly difficult person to be around. Thankfully her son is nothing like that and finds apologising very easy.

Don't knock the knitting though. It's very therapeutic and frequently suggested as a good thing by mental health experts. I know it adds to the mental picture people are getting of an elderly couple stuck in their ways, but it is has been an emerging hobby amongst younger generations for a few years now.

I think what's going on here might be that the OP has no experience of a healthy adult relationship hence her shock at the responses on this thread.

Adults go to bed when they're ready to go to sleep. I have CFS now (as well as long Covid) so I often go to bed very early. No way would I ever expect my DH to come to bed at the same time as me when I do bed.

Couples shouldn't be joined at the hip.

The fact he insists you go to bed at a certain time is weird. DH and I go to bed together around 10/10.30 but if one of us wanted to go up earlier or later it wouldn't be an issue.

You have children with this nasty controlling man, your life will become more miserable than you can even imagine.

His behaviour is abusive and NOT normal, nor healthy.

He isnot a good nman.

Controlling.
Abusive.
Nasty.

He can't be told anything, can't admit he's wrong, can't apologise.

Insists you go to be bed at 8.30 at night🙄.

You got together with him at 18 , still very young, you just don't know any better.

Look up the boiling frog analogy.

He's slowly controlling sverything.

Have you close friends and family that you see regularly on your own.

Do you go out at night with friends?

He's a freak OP.

You deserve better.
Your life sounds awful.

Wow I thought you were going to be a lot older than that!
Your husband was goading for a fight from the beginning, you already started to apologise which he rudely interrupted, then to top it all off he repeatedly demands an apology AND calls you a bitch & tells you to fuck off?!? You had nothing to apologise for to start with - and you certainly don’t now! He’s being a controlling arse.

I don’t think your age matters at all OP. I have many introverted friends who have craft rooms, have early nights up there watching what they like on tv and doing their hobbies and are very, very happy.
All that matters here is that you don’t seem to be happy with this set up.

So normally we move to go up to bed about 9pm, it takes about half an hour for us to sort the dogs out, lock up, make sure kitchen is tidy, shower, wash, etc. At 9:30 we'd both be in bed.

So what happens if at 9 p.m. you're in the middle of an engrossing film on TV, or doing something you don't want to interrupt? In our house that isn't a problem, DH does some of the tidying/locking up and goes up, I finish off and follow on when I'm ready. Do you just have to interrupt what you're doing and go to bed?

I wish people would stop going on about age. Not all “ oldies” have boring routines . I am mid 60s and DH 10 years older and we rarely go to bed at the same time and we certainly don’t have arguments about it or nonsense about windows / doors.

No one is suggesting all older people have 'boring routines' I was out at a family event at the weekend where the average age of those present was north of 70, and they were absolutely wild and had way more stamina than I did by 2 am but the cast-iron routine and endless worrying about security, bolts and open windows are not something one would normally associate with people in their thirties, either.

I couldn't live with a man who insisted I go to bed at the same time as him everynight, I just couldn't.
I can't live with a man who lays down the law in any way. I am an independent adult woman and I decide what happens in my life not some man ff's what rock did they crawl out from.
One of my elderly friends told me that her husband insted that she cook a three course meal every single day of their marriage for 60 years and he dictated what she should wear, picked her clothes out and everything had to be done in a certain way.
She said she was glad he was dead and she now only eats ready meals and soup.

If he hasn't apologised by now for calling your a bitch and telling you to fuck off, I think you need to have a serious conversation about it. Only really immature men find it impossible to admit they are in the wrong.

I'm really surprised going to bed at the same time is so unusual. We do it, and I definitely have friends who do- I don't think it's intrinsically a bad sign in a relationship, and can actually be a good one, the difference is how it happens.

DH and I are usually hanging out together in the evening, one of us will often say 'oh let's not watch a film tonight, I'm too tired' or 'I don't think I have enough energy to watch another episode' or 'let's try and have an early night.' Usually we're a bit of a good influence on each other as we're both prone to stay up late watching rubbish on our own. If one of us is out, we'll message the other with an ETA: I'll often stay up a bit late to chat to him about the day and vice versa but if he's going to be home much later I'll obviously go to bed.

However, while I'd say we go to bed at the same time 95% of the time, if I said I was staying up late it wouldn't be an issue. If one of us demanded the other went to bed at a certain time, that would be a huge problem and something we'd both pick up on immediately and challenge. And if one of us said something hurtful to the other, even as a joke, we'd talk about it and apologise: he has never sworn at me like that, and never not accepted he was wrong.

With your set up is it's not a negotiated, 'what time will be head up?' conversation between equals. I'm pointing this out in case you talk to people in real life about this who also go to bed at the same time and don't see an issue. There is a huge issue here. A lot of people who get together young fall into patterns in their relationships that would never have occurred if they were older when they became a couple. Sometimes you can break that. But honestly what you're describing sounds like a really awful dynamic.

Your partner should be your partner, someone who has your back, someone you confide in, someone who will assume the best interpretation of what you say and do. Not demand their needs are met, interpret a poorly worded joke as an attack and go on the offensive using abusive language until you grovel for forgiveness. You deserve a relationship of equals where you feel cherished, and it doesn't sound from this like thats the kind you have.

Only you can decide what you want to do about it, but I will say this: a close friend split up with her partner of more than ten years who she had been with since a teen. Everyone loved them as a couple, so did I till I stayed with them for a few days and realised he spoke to her like a child, coincidentally telling her (and me!) not to stay up late when we were having a catch up, reminding her where the dishes went when she was washing up. When the relationship ended she was devastated by the number of people who confided in her they were glad for her, they'd had concerns: she partly stayed so long because she thought everyone thought they were perfect together and she was being demanding wanting more. She's v happily married now, actually so is he, so don't assume because you've been in a relationship for 15 years you have to stay in it for another 50 if it's not making you happy.

I thought you were both in your 60’s not 30’s! Can you imagine having a bedtime and tiptoeing around his hurt feelings for the next 50
Years with this man?

I can't believe how young you are. Stop being so bloody apologetic! Think about why you find his behaviour normal (it isn't).

[quote StupidArgument]@nicknacky we've always just gone to bed at the same time at DH's insistence, I don't care much either way[/quote]
Yeah this is weird and controlling.

I don't think your DH is as different from Brian as he might think.

Sounds to me lile you've been conditioned to confirm to your husband's needs and not your own. It reads more like a parent-child relationship than equal partners. Is this really how you want to live your life?

Nothing wrong with going to bed at the same time, if you both decide you would like to go to bed now. One partner insisting that the other one goes to bed at 8.30 because the first partner wants to, and the other one then sneaking out and sitting in the spare room, now that is weird.

[quote Mittens030869]@FippertyGibbett Sorry, it was meant as a joke.

The objection which is most often used to calling women 'Karen' is that there's no male equivalent. But 'Brian is being used in that way in this thread.

I wasn't being at all serious; I know a couple of very nice men called 'Brian'.[/quote]
No, the objection is that it stereotypes women in a certain way and mocks them.
There doesn't need to be a male equivalent as there doesn't need to be a female 'name' to describe any women.
Not funny at all.

You shouldn't have to accept an apology, but demanding an apology, getting one, then refusing to accept it whilst displaying unacceptably hurtful behaviour is quite controlling.

Okay, I get what you were saying and I don't like the stereotyping either. I've objected to it numerous times on other threads. I was just commenting on how 'Brian' had taken a life of its own. (I hope the man's name isn't really Brian.)

Anyway, I really do apologise, I can see now that what I put was crass. I tend to have a black sort of humour at times, which doesn't work well online as facial expressions can't be seen.

Probably best not to derail the thread by carrying on with the argument (which I admit that I started).

@knittingaddict

Don't knock the knitting though. It's very therapeutic and frequently suggested as a good thing by mental health experts. I know it adds to the mental picture people are getting of an elderly couple stuck in their ways, but it is has been an emerging hobby amongst younger generations for a few years now.

Plus-poky sharp things.😏 Actually I recommend embroidery as you can stab something multiple times and not get arrested. I often angry embroider.

OP it really upsets me that he speaks to you like this - calling you a bitch and telling you to fuck off.
I do like to swear and I swear a lot - but not AT people, and certainly not at the people I love.
This way of speaking to you is really disrespectful. Especially over something so trivial, and especially when you are apologising to him. You've apologised, you don't need to do so repeatedly. He should now be apologising to you for speaking to you like that. It is not acceptable.

@StupidArgument thank you. That was obviously the very short version of a much longer story.