AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

This is totally nuts.

You say he’s a good partner but then he refuses to admit his faults and never apologises? I have a friend in a relationship like this and I just feel like it wears her down so much. She’s always saying he wants his own way, what he says goes, he won’t apologise, etc. It’s no way to live. Nothing gets resolved, nothing gets better, you constantly get the message that your feelings don’t matter. It’s unequal, shit communication, builds resentment.

Say to him if he’s anything but repentant this morning that you have apologised for a petty dog, he has yet to apologise for swearing aggressively at you so you won’t be discussing it (or anything) with him until he does.

I mean I should say... My main advice is LTB.

[quote Mittens030869]*@BubblyBarbara that’s made you sound like a right Brian that has

Maybe a 'Brian' should be the male equivalent of a 'Karen'?[/quote]
Here we go again.

I hope you're okay OP - these responses can't be easy to hear.

When you've been with someone for so long, it becomes your normal and it can be very difficult to see that normal is in fact dysfunctional.

You're 33. Go to bed when you want. Get up when you want. And have a think about your relationship too.

We do have to go to bed at the same time though, no idea why, it does annoy me sometimes, I don't care if we do or not but it's something we've always done at DH's insistence

Do you realise how bonkers this actually is?

@FippertyGibbett Sorry, it was meant as a joke.

The objection which is most often used to calling women 'Karen' is that there's no male equivalent. But 'Brian is being used in that way in this thread.

I wasn't being at all serious; I know a couple of very nice men called 'Brian'.

Do you have close friends OP?

I hate people who won't accept an apology - it's pathetic. He shouldn't have sworn at you either. He was deffo in the wrong iMO. He started it by moaning about the windows - just 'cos your brain works quicker than him and called him 'Brian' - what does he expect t.

He sounds like a caveman wanting you both to go to bed at the same time.

All in all you've done nothing wrong - don't apologise again.

Hey OP hope you got a good nights sleep. This is a lot to take in I imagine.

FWIW I think you need couples counselling as a minimum. Your 33 do you want to spend maybe the next 50 years going to bed at 8.30pm? Do you want to spend the next 50 years wondering how you can make up to your DH when you have an argument even if it wasn’t your fault.

You probably need to have a plan in place, think about what you want your life to be like and move towards that. Obviously having a partner means compromise sometimes but not all the compromises should be from you and they shouldn’t make your life harder, or duller which they are.

Good luck OP.

I'm just repeating what other posters have said, OP. If going up to bed together, no matter what time, was something you wanted to do that's one thing. But it doesn't sound like you want to do it. It sounds like it's at his insistence which is so very wrong.

Re the argument, having open windows, especially during this heatwave, is absolutely acceptable. His reaction to this was unacceptable. And insinuating that you're asking to be robbed is ridiculous.

You called him "Brian", he retaliated by calling you "Doreen" and a "bitch" and demanded you apologise for hurting his feelings. When you did apologise he told you to fuck off and refused to accept your apology. You continued to apologise, he continued to refuse to accept it.

He told you to fuck off and called you a bitch and he thinks you're the one who needs to apologise? He called you a bitch. That's not okay.

I'm sorry, OP, he has zero respect for you. It sounds like he wants to dictate how you behave and what you say which is completely abusive.

How were things in the morning?

I’m also confused why you have to go to bed at the same time! Surely you just go when you’re tired and the other one follows later on? That would be the real issue for me here. Seems a bit controlling. My DH regularly goes to bed before me, I like to have an hour or so to myself when I can get it.

Back to the point, I don’t really think calling him Brian seems like a big deal, unless there is more to it. He seems to be making a lot of drama out of nothing. Also telling you to fuck off multiple times is a big no no for me, my husband wouldn’t dare speak to me like that.

It certainly sounds joyless OP.

Are you happy for this to continue for the next 50 years of your life? Are children a hope for the future? If he’s exhibiting this level of control over you now I’d definitely be concerned about how you’d get on when you have the vulnerability both emotionally and financially that having children affords you.

OP just another one to say that I hope you are OK this morning.

A few key things I've learned in 20-odd years of marriage:

Marriage is all about a partnership of two equals. Remember that. Your opinions, wants, needs and preferences are just as valid as your DHs. Now is a good time to remind your DH that you are your own person, not an extension of him.

There are rows in every marriage. However, it's really important to apologise - sincerely - and I don't think I could be with someone that wouldn't admit to and apologise for their part in an argument.

And calling you a bitch, swearing at you is totally and utterly unacceptable.

I'm also wondering if you have any family or friends that you're close to who you could confide in? If they've spent any time with you both it may be that whatever you tell them doesn't come as a surprise.

[quote Mittens030869]@FippertyGibbett Sorry, it was meant as a joke.

The objection which is most often used to calling women 'Karen' is that there's no male equivalent. But 'Brian is being used in that way in this thread.

I wasn't being at all serious; I know a couple of very nice men called 'Brian'.[/quote]
It’s not funny and you are just perpetuating the situation.
It’s actually offensive.

@BBCONEANDTWO

I hate people who won't accept an apology - it's pathetic. He shouldn't have sworn at you either. He was deffo in the wrong iMO. He started it by moaning about the windows - just 'cos your brain works quicker than him and called him 'Brian' - what does he expect t.

He sounds like a caveman wanting you both to go to bed at the same time.

All in all you've done nothing wrong - don't apologise again.

Why should you have to accept an apology when you are hurt or offended, or if you know the apology isn’t sincere ? How will that person learn to modify their behaviour if they get let off stuff ? No, you don’t have to accept an apology.

The minute your dh told you to 'fuck off' is the minute he loses any moral high ground. For me, if my dh swore at me, I'd stop apologising and id expect him to.

As for going to bed at the same time, that's just odd. Why would you go to bed if you or re not tired?

@FippertyGibbett fair enough. But you don't have to keep swearing at the person apologising either. You stop being the injured party then.

It's common in relationships for tiredness and irritability to turn into disagreements about petty things which can then escalate into saying things you don't mean. The important part is acknowledging your part and caring about the other person's feelings after the heated moment. You have done this while he is still focusing on his feelings. He doesn't have to fall into your arms when you apologise, but making you grovel over something so small (especially when he played a larger part in the fallout and said worse things) is pathetic and mean. By not accepting your apology, nor apologising for the things he said to you, he is standing by what he said.
Sorry, but it doesn't sound like he likes you very much OP.

You've been with him since 18, so basically have spent your entire adult life being told when to go to bed? What other decisions does he make for you? Do you get to choose your own meals? Do you get to choose your own clothes? Do you get to choose what you watch on tv?

That aside, you've apologised multiple times to him, so I'd leave it in his court. If he brings it up again I'd say "look, I've apologised multiple times. Whether you accept it or not is up to you, but I can't turn the clock back so there's nothing else I can do except perhaps point out that you called me a bitch and Doreen and you should think about your own behaviour and see if you think you have anything to apologise for too" then go out for the morning and give each other some space.

Do you have to get up at the szme time too?

@StupidArgument

I didn't realise the bedtime thing would be so controversial!

DH usually wakes up about 5-5:30am. So normally we move to go up to bed about 9pm, it takes about half an hour for us to sort the dogs out, lock up, make sure kitchen is tidy, shower, wash, etc. At 9:30 we'd both be in bed, and DH likes to watch TV while he falls asleep. We normally turn the TV off about 10pm, and DH is usually asleep by then or falls asleep straight away.

I struggle to fall asleep, always have, so I will read, go on my phone or if I'm really not feeling tired I'll get up. DH can sleep with the TV or lights on.

Is it really that weird? I never thought of it as that weird, a bit annoying sometimes but not that weird, but now I'm typing it out and thinking about it, maybe it is weird? Like I said, his parents always go to bed at the same time as each other, his mum will fall asleep on the sofa downstairs while his Dad finishes watching a film and he'll wake her up to go up to bed.

Read this through to yourself OP. Notice how much it's about your H and what he wants. He wakes up at 5am so 'we' go to bed about 9. Your bedtime routine is around him and his needs, not yours.

My OH and I have similar sleep patterns, fortunately. However, if one of us is tired and the other isn't, the tired one goes to bed whilst the other one stays up. There is no drama around this. You might find that you (sing. not plural, I don't care about your H) sleep better without a TV in the room at all. I'd try finding this out, possibly by moving into a bedroom with no TV and no H either.

It would drive me mad going up to bed the same time as dh. I normally go up first, then he follows when he’s finished watching the crappy film he’s watching! I do check the house security downstairs before I go up though. Last night, I checked the back door and it was locked, but the door was not shut properly! DH watched me do this and said he didn’t think it felt right when he locked it! I did say that this was why I have to check things! But, it was done with humour, not hate! That is the difference. I hope that things are ok this morning?

I thought you were younger, in your early to mid-20s, first serious relationship, playing at being grown-ups. Sounds like maybe it started that way and has never matured. Do you plan to have children?

I'm bemused at people suggesting you might be in your 50s. What is ancient, fuddy duddy or stuck in fixed habits at the end of life, about being in your 50s? People in their 50s are parents of teenagers (and older and younger DC), busy with their lives, careers, and making the most of everything.

OP what happens in the morning? Does he slip out quietly, allowing you to sleep until you wake naturally?

I'm more concerned about his verbal abuse. If DP called me a bitch we'd be over.