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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

985 replies

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 21:57

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 17/08/2020 10:30

I expect it's too late you are both now up and about, but I just want to repeat timeisnotaline's comment:
"The only way to refer to this in the morning is obviously you were looking for a fight and a reason to tell me to fuck off. I have no idea why and I have a lot of thinking to do. Coolly and walk off if he tries to push it. You don’t have to let him bully you."

Also, Nanny0gg brought up a point that I'd like to ask too:
"Just thought- presumably you never go out at night with girlfriends as you wouldn't be back by bedtime?

Do you ever go out together in the evening?"

How tight is that leash he's keeping you on Sad?

Buxx · 17/08/2020 10:30

Actually I recommend embroidery as you can stab something multiple times and not get arrested. I often angry embroider.

This made me chuckle! maybe that is why it was so popular with ladies throughout the ages Grin

Colom · 17/08/2020 10:38

Hope you're Ok OP Flowers

KitchenConfidential · 17/08/2020 10:44

Been thinking about you OP.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 17/08/2020 10:49

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

That's what you really need to decide OP.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/08/2020 10:53

I don't see anything wrong with leaving windows open upstairs, we've been leaving ours open all night in the is weather so imo he was BU and annoying about that, what you said didn't warrant such a massive meltdown from him either so again he was BU. I would stop apologising to him, you shouldn't give in to such pettiness.

Just in regards to going to bed at the same time, me and my DH usually do but just because we both have to get up for work most mornings, at the weekend I would often stay up later than him. It would be a bit weird going to bed if I didn't want to/wasn't tired just because he did

AryaStarkWolf · 17/08/2020 10:56

@BubblyBarbara

If you don’t even go to bed at the same time you’re more like room mates than a couple to me
What a weird opinion to have. What if you're just not tired and he is? You would just go to bed and lie there awake while he's snoring next to you? That's so odd
Oliversmumsarmy · 17/08/2020 11:00

Re the leaving windows upstairs open.

If you had been locking up downstairs and were on your way upstairs how could you have left them open as you hadn’t had chance to shut them yet
I don’t think I have ever locked up. Atm we leave our key in the door as it closes shut and we have ended up being locked out if we forget to take the keys when we go to the bin or just pop out to do something in the garden.

diddl · 17/08/2020 11:01

So do you also have to get up when he does, Op?

theemmadilemma · 17/08/2020 11:26

Oh my. I thought you were older than me in your 50's not 10 years younger than me.

Sometimes it can be nice to go bed together. Sometimes I'm tired and go up early or Partner wants to be up late. Sometimes I stay up later to enjoy the peace and quiet of a late night to myself.

Your life sounds so rigid. So molded and controlled. It saddens me. Rough routines is one thing, but your life sounds regimented.

Original poster
StupidArgument · 17/08/2020 11:48

Thank you everyone for the replies last night and this morning.

I woke up this morning at 5am when he did, I apologised again and he said he didn't accept it. I asked him to please not be mad at me, I'd said I was sorry, I said I was sorry last night almost as soon as I said it but he interrupted me, he said he interrupted me because I wasn't saying it properly. I said I was sorry for saying it and that I shouldn't have, I just snapped because I was annoyed that he'd been pecking my head constantly for 15 minutes beforehand, and he said "an apology isn't good enough, you'll have to think of something else" and went downstairs.

He was doing some work from his laptop before he left about 7, and I went down at 6. I didn't apologise again but I just asked him about work and stuff and he was okay with me. So I feel a bit better that we're "okay" now but also worried that he will come home and he won't be, I don't really know what to expect.

I feel like I want to cry after reading all these replies. I don't know what to do. I do love DH but one minute I'm happy and planning a future and wishing we had kids (we've tried but have fertility issues on my end that we're trying to work on) and the next I feel like I want to run away and start my life over, and I don't know which feeling to trust or believe is the real way I feel. I might start a thread in relationships later, as someone suggested. I think I need to talk about it more.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 17/08/2020 11:52

Oh bless you, this is no way to be living in your early 30's, it sounds like it will only get worse. His response this morning was awful, but I think that you know that already. Sending strength OP, I think you've a lot of thinking to do.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/08/2020 11:56

You need to stop apologising to him, imo he was more wrong than you were at worst you were both being a bit petty.

And this, it sounds like he's speaking to a child, it really comes across from your posts that he is (or thinks he is) in charge of you.

and he said "an apology isn't good enough, you'll have to think of something else" and went downstairs.

GabsAlot · 17/08/2020 11:56

youve got to stop apologising this is bordering on abuse now-say it properly what is that about do you have to get down on your knees or something

this isnt right and i wouldt be bringing kids into it either

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 17/08/2020 11:56

Op if you paraded the streets naked with a sandwich board saying 'sorry' it wouldn't be enough in his eyes.
You need to take advice off here and get away.
Trust me when I say my life would have been so so different if mn had been there for me 20 years ago... Accept the support, accept the advice and make plans for the rest of your life that doesn't include this nasty abusive man. Be very thankful you have no dc. Imagine him as a df.

lockdownalli · 17/08/2020 11:57

OP is there anyone you can confide in in real life?

If you were my DD (mine is 23) I would be so upset if she were living like this. It sounds like you have been in this relationship since you were very young and have been conditioned to accept it as normal.

I suspect you would be far happier on your own, or with a partner who values you and wants to have an exciting and fulfilling life together Flowers

backseatcookers · 17/08/2020 11:59

@StupidArgument

Thank you everyone for the replies last night and this morning.

I woke up this morning at 5am when he did, I apologised again and he said he didn't accept it. I asked him to please not be mad at me, I'd said I was sorry, I said I was sorry last night almost as soon as I said it but he interrupted me, he said he interrupted me because I wasn't saying it properly. I said I was sorry for saying it and that I shouldn't have, I just snapped because I was annoyed that he'd been pecking my head constantly for 15 minutes beforehand, and he said "an apology isn't good enough, you'll have to think of something else" and went downstairs.

He was doing some work from his laptop before he left about 7, and I went down at 6. I didn't apologise again but I just asked him about work and stuff and he was okay with me. So I feel a bit better that we're "okay" now but also worried that he will come home and he won't be, I don't really know what to expect.

I feel like I want to cry after reading all these replies. I don't know what to do. I do love DH but one minute I'm happy and planning a future and wishing we had kids (we've tried but have fertility issues on my end that we're trying to work on) and the next I feel like I want to run away and start my life over, and I don't know which feeling to trust or believe is the real way I feel. I might start a thread in relationships later, as someone suggested. I think I need to talk about it more.

The thing that gets people through difficult and stressful times (bereavements, parenting, money worries etc) is kindness, compromised, empathy and sense of humour. Your partner is letting you down in all of those areas at what is likely the least stressful stage of your relationship so far.

You haven't been adults without each other, so with this underlying controlling / selfish / uncompromising attitude of his your resentment will grow until it becomes a toxic relationship.

I would suggest you have some counselling yourself, not together, because you need to start thinking in terms of 'I' rather than 'we' in order to feel in control of your own life, how you spend your time, how you structure your day, how you wish to be treated etc.

He has been truly vile to you because you called him Brian. It's made you upset, confused, beg him for forgiveness. His disproportionate response is one of a selfish and controlling man who wants you to stay in your box. Start clawing your way out of that box independently and I think you'll find you have outgrown Brian 2.0.

diddl · 17/08/2020 12:00

Oh Op, he's absolutely awful.

He really is nasty, all this putting you in your place over, well, nothing really.

You go to bed when he says, he criticises where you put your keys & how you bolt a door??!!

And how had you left the windows when you were only on your way up?

And the names he calls you & tells you to fuck off?

And yet you're still apologising & trying to appease him?

Why?

You've done nothing wrong-no matter how much he tells you that you have.

KatharinaRosalie · 17/08/2020 12:00

You called him Brian. He called you a bitch and told you to fuck off.
And you are the one grovelling and apologising? Do you know how crazy this sounds?

billy1966 · 17/08/2020 12:01

You poor woman.
Have you anywhere you could go for a few days for some headspace?

His response is so awful.

You are in s highly abusive relationship.
You don't have children which means you have a great chance of getting away.

Your begging him to forgive you is just so awful.

He can't admit he's ever wrong, can't apologise and can't accept yours either, when YOU aren't even in the wrong.

He's a nasty prick.
Protect yourself OP.

You know this isn't the right way to live.Flowers

Horehound · 17/08/2020 12:02

What the fuck. You are brainwashed.

RUN!

Wowcherarestalkingme · 17/08/2020 12:03

Jesus stop apologising to him!

TheyThoughtItWasAllOver · 17/08/2020 12:14

Leave. Before children. Not because of the initial spat but because of his overall behaviour towards you that you have described.

Honestly, it will definitely get much worse once children are added to the mix. And it's so much harder to leave then.

BlingLoving · 17/08/2020 12:15

OP, I've read this entire thread. You really really need to think about this relationship very carefully.

It was an incredibly silly argument. The kind of argument that if DH and I had it, one of us would apologise, at which point the other one would accept it AND apologise for our role in said argument. He is not accepting your apology for a relatively minor issue? I mean, what exactly does he want you to do? Drop and give him 50 push ups? Submit to a public flogging?

And yes, the whole dynamic seems very odd here with you having to do whatever he wants, including what time you go to bed. This is not okay. Do you ever feel like you're walking on eggshells? Do you find yourself choosing not to do things because it's easier than having to get him to agree? I assume the fact that you always go to bed together means you are not ever out of an evening doing things with friends/colleagues/hobbies etc? Do you see how odd that is to have no children and yet still be completely tied to the home?

I'm so sorry but also glad that it sounds like you're suddenly realising that none of his behaviours are okay.

Yankathebear · 17/08/2020 12:26

[quote StupidArgument]**@HolyPillow* @TeamLannister*

I'm 33 and DH is 35. We've been together 15 years.[/quote]
I just spat my sandwich out! 33 and 35! What!

You don’t have to live like this op. He absolutely is a Brian. Do you want to live like this for the next 40-50 years?