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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

985 replies

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 21:57

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

OP posts:
Jux · 17/08/2020 01:14

HE TOLD YOU TO FUCK OFF!!!
HE CALLED YOU A BITCH!!

And why did he do that? Oh, because you teased him a tiny bit about his nagging about the windows.

And then you apologised to him.

And every night you go to bed obediently when he tells you to. I'd be calling him dad, frankly.

TBH, I think you can do a lot better than a man who puts you through that nonsense and calls you vile names. fgs, you're only in your 30s! Why are you living like you're in your 90s? Why aren't you having fun? You don't even have children to give you the excuse to be too knackered to do anything and grateful for the opportunity to have an early night.

And then there's the problem of him never apologising himself, or admitting he might be at fault.......

You deserve to live a life so you have some great memories to look back on when you are 90... No one ever lay on their deathbed and said "I wish I'd had more early nights."

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 17/08/2020 01:17

Are you happy with being treated like this?

Are you happy with him?

timeisnotaline · 17/08/2020 01:18

I hope the op is reading carefully, that’s no way to treat your wife. Like a useful security blanket who doesn’t fasten windows properly. And hell would freeze over before I went to bed at 9. Obviously it wouldn’t but my husband might call a doctor! We literally only ever go to bed at the same time when it’s not sleep we are planning.
The only way to refer to this in the morning is obviously you were looking for a fight and a reason to tell me to fuck off. I have no idea why and I have a lot of thinking to do. Coolly and walk off if he tries to push it. You don’t have to let him bully you.
I too would probably have called him Brian for the rest of his life, that was a perfectly reasonable comment you made!! As is having windows open in the heat! Also, if it’s upstairs and safe you can also do whatever the fuck you want to sometimes, there are two of you in this marriage and you count too.

Lipz · 17/08/2020 01:28

OMG this is just very weird. I seriously thought you were going to be MUCH older, you are SO young, what a waste of time.

There's not a hope I'd be going to bed the same time as dh, jesus many nights I do a binge watch on netflix or something similar and can fall into bed at 6am. Dh only words do be that he had loads of room to spread out.

None of that is normal with windows and bed times. Don't be appologising you did nothing wrong.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 17/08/2020 01:36

DH usually wakes up about 5-5:30am. So normally we move to go up to bed about 9pm, it takes about half an hour for us to sort the dogs out, lock up, make sure kitchen is tidy, shower, wash, etc. At 9:30 we'd both be in bed, and DH likes to watch TV while he falls asleep. We normally turn the TV off about 10pm, and DH is usually asleep by then or falls asleep straight away. That all sounds so suffocating and extremely boring. I couldn't live like that. Please start becoming your own person.

londonscalling · 17/08/2020 01:49

I don't wish to be offensive, but you're 33 and 35? You're going to bed at 8.30pm. Then you get up and do some knitting. Is life just like this during lockdown or is it always this uneventful? I'm sorry but I assumed you were in your 70s!

Ladybyrd · 17/08/2020 01:53

I wouldn't have gone up at 9 unless I wanted to. I wouldn't have been even vaguely amused if he told me to fuck off if I'd changed the bed while he had a leisurely shower. I wouldn't have apologised more than once. I wouldn't have gone into another room to humour him.

I would have just told him to grow up.

rottiemum88 · 17/08/2020 01:54

DH and I are a similar age to you and your husband and I'm pretty horrified trying to imagine living your routine. I mean... honestly OP there's nothing wrong with having a craft room and a comfy chair, but couple that with an 8:30PM bedtime and the worrying about the windows, I automatically presumed you were a MUCH older couple.

Please also know that life doesn't have to be this limited for you Thanks

Horehound · 17/08/2020 01:56

He sounds crazy!

user1481840227 · 17/08/2020 02:11

[quote StupidArgument]**@lottiegarbanzo* What a waste of life your routine sounds.*

Reading that was like a punch in the stomach. It is a waste of life, I'd never thought of it like that but you're right.[/quote]
Just looking at your username OP....'stupidArgument'.

Be glad that you had that argument. It took that stupid ridiculous, petty argument where he was so definitely being a complete Brian for you to come on here and realise that the bedtime thing is not normal and that he is very controlling. I'm sure even prisoners in jail get to stay up a lot later than that! You shouldn't be living like this.

So it's not really a stupid argument, it's a defining one!

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2020 02:52

I don't think you created this thread simply because you had a petty argument. I believe you posted because you know there is something inherently wrong with the dynamic you have with your husband. I hope you are looking at your marriage with your eyes wide open. It is not normal or healthy.

Oldbutstillgotit · 17/08/2020 06:34

I wish people would stop going on about age. Not all “ oldies” have boring routines . I am mid 60s and DH 10 years older and we rarely go to bed at the same time and we certainly don’t have arguments about it or nonsense about windows / doors.

Butchyrestingface · 17/08/2020 06:54

We do have to go to bed at the same time though, no idea why, it does annoy me sometimes, I don't care if we do or not but it's something we've always done at DH's insistence.

You don't need to call him 'Bryan' to insult him. You can just refer to him by his own name. His behaviour is weird, controlling and childish enough on its own without invoking the name of his BiL.

Brefugee · 17/08/2020 06:58

We do have to go to bed at the same time though, no idea why, it does annoy me sometimes, I don't care if we do or not but it's something we've always done at DH's insistence.

Fuck that shit. Do you get up at the same time and make his breakfast?

Hercwasonaroll · 17/08/2020 07:05

Dear me OP, he's controlling you.

The bedtime thing is beyond weird. My sil is like this and we all rip the piss out of bil.

Mittens030869 · 17/08/2020 07:16

I think he is a lot like Brian and you hit a raw nerve and he was out of order.

^This is what I was thinking.

Why on Earth would you go to bed early just because he wants to? And as for the refusal to accept your apology, how childish. Hmm

RandomMess · 17/08/2020 07:16

Does DH every compromise and do things your way???

Your examples have all been that you have altered your life to do everything the way he wants.

Mittens030869 · 17/08/2020 07:28

He does have a tendency to like things his own way, and he can never admit fault or to being wrong, he never apologises for anything.

He sounds like my abusive F, who never said sorry in his life. Result? My DM blames herself for everything, even 22 years after his death, and at 80 years old.

I'm also constantly saying sorry even when I don't need to, and my DSis is a constant people pleaser.

It really is no way to live your life, OP.

Butchyrestingface · 17/08/2020 07:31

Is Brian married to your husband's sister, @StupidArgument?

If so, is it possible the (poor) woman married a man with a very similar temperament/behaviour to her brother because she'd grown up with the batshittery and thinks it's normal?

Nanny0gg · 17/08/2020 07:44

Just thought- presumably you never go out at night with girlfriends as you wouldn't be back by bedtime?

Do you ever go out together in the evening?

FippertyGibbett · 17/08/2020 07:53

OMG you really need to take your life back and do what YOU want.

KatharinaRosalie · 17/08/2020 07:56

OP, so this evening when he starts the bedtime routine, just tell him 'Actually, I'm not tired yet, I won't go to bed. Night night!'. And stay downstairs and do whatever you want, there's no need for you to sit in a spare room for hours.

toconclude · 17/08/2020 07:57

@BubblyBarbara

If you don’t even go to bed at the same time you’re more like room mates than a couple to me
What nonsense. Being a couple isn't like conjoined twins you know.
Mittens030869 · 17/08/2020 08:03

*@BubblyBarbara that’s made you sound like a right Brian that has**

Maybe a 'Brian' should be the male equivalent of a 'Karen'?

AlternativePerspective · 17/08/2020 08:04

I was just reading this thinking that all the talk of control is there but in isolation maybe not really, and then I remembered a work colleague of mine.

She was married to the absolute love of her life. Couldn’t ever imagine her life without him, apparently nobody could love her like he did, once she even said that if he didn’t ring her from work she was afraid it meant he didn’t love her.

So anyway, one night we were out for our team Christmas do, and partners were there, so this bloke was. We got talking about something or other and she mentioned that she wasn’t allowed to go up to bed last because he had to be the one who turned out the lights because he had to make sure it was done properly and that they were safe. Hmm.

I was completely outspoken back then (I was twenty FWIW) and said, without even thinking about it, “you know why that is don’t you? He doesn’t trust you and he wants to control you.” He went absolutely ballistic. How dare I make assumptions about his relationship, and the next day my manager called me in to say it wasn’t on to have said what I did.

Fast forward ten years, I had moved on, had a DS etc and I happened to bump into her in my local shop. And... ... they were no longer together, he had become completely controlling and had then had an affair with a 21 year old (he was in his 40’s.) When his OW didn’t work out he tried to worm his way back but by then she’d seen the light and told him to get stuffed. Even her kids who were adults by then had nothing more to do with him.

I did resist the urge to say it was on the cards obviously,but I wasn’t in the least bit surprised.