AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

I know from previous experience if I ask it won’t go well this is so sad. Why would you need to 'ask'? If you were in a healthy relationship you would feel comfortable saying "Count me out for tomorrow love, my knee is knackered" and your partner, while being disappointed, would understand that of course you shouldn't be walking on a strained knee.

As you are waking up to his abuse, and as you start to assert yourself and show agency, the power struggle is going to come out into the open and you will see this controlling narcissist for what he is - not a loving, equal partner but an abusive wanker who cares only for his own comfort and happiness. You are the strong one in this relationship OP, remember that. He's actually quite weak and inadequate and needs you far more than you need him, which is why he's so desperate to control you. Don't let him, and don't waste any more of your precious life on him.

How is your knee this morning?

I wonder if you could ham it up a bit and avoid confrontation as I am sure that’s scary for you.

Can you go get a pillow and a pack of frozen veg and start icing your knee now and really go on about how sore it is? Try and make him be the “big man” and take care of his sweet helpless wife? Could that be a ploy for today?

I know confronting him and not letting him boss you around is the ideal, but please be safe. Please don’t put yourself in danger with him. He could escalate.

Have you spoken to the uni about accommodation?

He's treating you like a possession, there to make him happy.

I can't even begin to imagine my husband trying to make me do anything if my knees were bothering me, and I have knee issues. He would be coming up with different options that everyone could enjoy sensibly.

I hope you've said no this morning. Long term knee issues are not fun.

Don’t go for a walk today op. Rest your knee and stretch. And if he gets all
We don't get much time together and I just want to do something nice together".
Then say it’s not nice for me when it means I’m in pain, surely you couldn’t enjoy a walk with me knowing it was actively causing me pain with every step.
I can’t wait until you are free of this dementor.

If you know how he'll react then do as a pp said and ham it up to avoid the confrontation. You know you are leaving, you don't need to assert yourself now and put yourself in danger.

Although the op hasn't been on today. Hopefully she's not on the walk.

I don't know why you were so quick to dismiss the Freedom Programme as "not relevant" to you - it's like he stepped out of the textbook. He's not special.

You still seem to be caught in a place where you think identifying abuse is about ticking incidents off a list (and that was the basis you used to dismiss FP). It's not.

It is about understanding the underlying dynamics: his quest for power and control. That's why he escalates to anger when cajoling and guilt tripping you doesn't achieve what he wants, but doesn't become "angry" when you give in and comply at an earlier stage.

Until you can really get your head around the fact that it is control that drives all this, you won't be able to leave safely and successfully.

As others have said, your leaving plan is based on continuing to comply with him (i.e. Continuing to be abused by him) and trying to push away your discomfort at confronting the situation by leaving. Leaving is always going to bring up difficult emotions, you need a way to deal with those yourself.

It will not be possible for you to extricate yourself from this without experiencing any discomfort or unpleasant emotions. The answer is not to start acting impulsively to try and make them go away (Or get him to make you feel better) but to recognise they are temporary and you just need to find ways to take care of yourself while you ride them out.

It will take time to learn how to be the one who has the final say on your life and to give yourself permission to do things he would not allow. You have been controlled for a very long time, so it will take time to learn a new way of being and feel comfortable with it. It won't instantly happen when you wake up the day after leaving.

You will grieve after you leave and you will feel uncertain because you won't have him telling you what to do anymore, which can make the world feel overwhelming and confusing. This is why so many women return to abusive partners - to try and make those feelings go away.

If you can start preparing yourself now and get into the habit of making different choices in response to difficult emotions you will be in a much stronger position to put yourself in control of your life.

Giving yourself permission to take care of yourself and listen to your body when it tells you with pain signals that it needs you to rest would be a very good place to start.

At the very least you need to be able to listen to and trust your own body's pain signals rather than falling into your previous pattern of diminishing them and denigrating yourself in order to continue complying with him at your own expense.

Give yourself permission to take proper care of yourself. It will probably feel uncomfortable at first but you can watch as the discomfort changes and fades if you sit with it instead of trying to do things to make it go away.

Emotions change, even when they seem in the moment like they will last forever.

I hope you're not on your walk OP & are enjoying a nice peaceful Sunday afternoon🙂

"We don't get much time together and I just want to do something nice together".

It's not something nice together is it? It's NOT nice for you. Ask him why he wants you to do something which will be horrible for you?

I expect they are both at home. l with him slamming and huffing around her. My guess is that being with her, i.e. supervising every moment of her life, is more important than his walk just as it was more important than her pain, and miles more important than her wishes.

yes, but I hope not.

I hope she told him where to go with his fucking 11 mile walks!
And that she had a lie in, a nice leasurly breakfast, a gentle wander round in the sunshine/sit in the sun with a book/ go and look at a garden or whatever ^she wanted to do* and then a good lunch somewhere, all on her own.

Bold fail!
whatever she wanted to do

Hope you're OK and haven't been on a long walk today OP.

I really hope OP didn't go on that walk

@ittooshallpass

I really hope OP didn't go on that walk

Me too ❤️

Well, if she did, it would be because it's safer, at the moment, not to provoke her husband, I guess.

I’ve been following this thread as I’ve been in a relationship with very similar patterns / behaviours, and I just wanted to say OP that we’re all rooting for you. I really hope he didn’t make your day miserable, but whatever happened that’s one less day you have to feel that way. Gather yourself, take a deep breath, and make your plans. You will find your way out of there, and you’ll look back and be so glad, happy and proud of yourself that you did.

How are you OP? Hope you are ok xxx

I've been following your thread, I do hope you are ok, I can't add anything different from the excellent advice you have been given, just to say I am thinking of you x

Hi OP hope you are ok :) sending lots of positive strong woman vibes, you're a legend. Hope you're hanging in there

@StupidArgument

Can't you see the pattern? Everything that he wants to do because it's 'nice' involves you in suffering in some way - physical pain, stress, giving up a job you loved. It's deliberate, he's doing it for the exact reason that it will make you question yourself, ask yourself if you're being unreasonable, ask is it so bad when it's only because he wants to do something 'nice'.

If he was insisting you go for another walk, and said 'I know your knee hurts, I know you'll be in agony, but I don't care' then you wouldn't have those doubts. He knows what he's doing. And you're falling for it. Take off the blindfold and see it for what it is, a ploy designed to keep you in your place and doing whatever he wants you to do.

And congratulations on the teacher training place. The saying is, as one door closes another one opens. Shut the door firmly on him, and open up a lovely new future where you can be who and what you want to be. Go fly!!!

I hope you are coping OP and that you weren't forced to do another excessive walk with him (though I understand why you might have).

We're all thinking of you and hoping you're doing OK.

Do you have a time frame in mind for leaving yet ?

When does your teacher training course begin ?

Sending you virtual hugs and support. x

Thinking of you OP. Completely understand if you did go on the walk. I hope your knee is feeling better x