Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

985 replies

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 21:57

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 29/08/2020 20:45

Yep, that's to reel you back in OP.

EggyPegg · 29/08/2020 20:45

You've asked if it's reasonable that he won't be happy that you don't want to do his thing? No it's not reasonable. My DH has had knee pain for months. I love being out and about. I've handed him and ice pack and the remote and left him to it.

I'm guessing that if you tell him that you aren't going (and be crystal clear about it, don't give an inch), he will sulk, possibly announce that you both might as well go home, and then spend the whole drive ignoring you, only to bring up in the future how you ruined a 'lovely' weekend away?

iMatter · 29/08/2020 20:51

He knows you are suffering and in pain but he'll insist you do the same tomorrow?

He'll make you walk in pain?

He may as well push you down the stairs.

He's a abusive and cunning with it.

Original poster
StupidArgument · 29/08/2020 21:00

@BruceAndNosh he wouldn't care if I said that. He'd try everything to convince/cajole me to do it and he would resort to things like "We don't get much time together and I just want to do something nice together". Then if I still refuse he'd be angry.

He won't do things on his own, and he doesn't really have any friends. He's gradually gone LC with his own family.

In fact, I've just remembered one of our worst arguments we've ever had was on holiday, we'd gone to a festival abroad for five days and we were doing a similar amount of walking each day and then standing watching bands for hours, there was no grass to sit on like some festivals. The third day I said I didn't want to go into the festival for the afternoon session so I could have a rest, but I'd go for the evening and he could go or not.

We had a massive argument, he went and when he came back he had a face like thunder, was still angry and said "don't ever do that to me again". I feel like if it was the other way around I would have offered him that suggestion to stay and rest while I went in alone.

OP posts:
EggyPegg · 29/08/2020 21:01

How soon can you leave? Permanently?

Toriathebadger · 29/08/2020 21:09

Of course it's more of the same: "Walk 11 miles in pain or else..."

My 4 year old has more say in our plans then you do in yours. I'm sorry, I know that sounds harsh. But you have no say at all about anything. Making you walk 11 miles in the first place when he knows you've got a dodgy knee is cruel and selfish. He's masking it as you doing something 'nice' together but it's not actually nice is it?

Toriathebadger · 29/08/2020 21:11

He buys you chocolate so you'll do what he wants. Grooming, basically.

WendyHoused · 29/08/2020 21:39

That's so out of order.

I have osteoarthritisand can't walk or stand for long, and DH structures our activities around my mobility. Why wouldn't you do so for someone you love?

Kaiserin · 29/08/2020 21:56

OP, your "D"H reminds me of my own mum's abusive husband (technically my father...). This is coercive control. He will ruin your whole life. Make arrangements to leave if you can.

RandomMess · 29/08/2020 22:07

My DH has health issues, I leave it up to him to decide what he can and can't do!!!

Sometimes he says "no,sorry" and I do a pet lip and grump but that's a joke between us and we are very open about what are my "issues" about doing stuff on my own etc.

You are so used to complying with your H you are immune to the level of control he has over you Sad

You will find your freedom amazing.

Original poster
StupidArgument · 29/08/2020 22:08

@Toriathebadger no need to apologise, I think I need harsh.

And nope it's not nice, I think that's something I'm actually starting to learn.

OP posts:
Catmaiden · 29/08/2020 22:18

Just say "no, I'm not doing that, my knee hurts and I won't come with you"

AlrightTreacle · 29/08/2020 22:28

Not normal at all OP, if I'd hurt my knee my DP would tell me to rest and not worry about going for a walk, he'd offer to go and buy some painkillers, ice or just some snacks, run me a bath, make me a medicinal G&T, rub my feet etc, and we'd stay in and watch films or play board games. There is no way he'd guily trip me into doing something that would painful.

Nanny0gg · 29/08/2020 22:36

Please don't go. You are in pain. He is being horrible at best and abusive at worst.

You are your own person. You make decisions about your own body and your time and what you want to do.

So he's horrible. So you have a row. So what?

billy1966 · 29/08/2020 22:41

If he makes a fuss just keep asking "I've told you I'm in pain, why do you keep insisting?, why would you do that?".

On a loop.
Keep repeating it.

Don't wreck your knees, you need them!!

Catmaiden · 29/08/2020 23:05

"why do you want me to walk with you for miles, when you know I'll be in pain? Why would you do that, when you say you love me? That's not what a loving husband would say. "

alibongo5 · 29/08/2020 23:53

It doesn't matter if your knee is hurt or not, you should be able to say "no, not today" simply because you don't fancy it that day. No other reason needed.

Catmaiden · 30/08/2020 00:07

Yes! What pp said!

TorkTorkBam · 30/08/2020 00:12

You are in pain so you aren't going to go. You might as well get the angry part done with.

Depersonalise it. You being in pain is irrelevang to him. He might even like the power trip of forcing to obey despite pain. Separate you from the knee as a psychological trick. "My knee can't take it", "My knee cannot manage anything today" "My knee needs rest" "My knee is telling me clearly to rest it today"

Everyonetakeiteasy · 30/08/2020 01:36

Ok.. Please try yo feel suddenly very sick or something. Or just..say what everyone else has suggested. The very old fashioned polite "no" : "I wish I could but I'm afraid I can't" "I really would love to however I can't not with my leg" "I wish it were different but it is what it is". Well...on thr other hand I know the ensuing argument will deplete you of energy. It's sad, this manipulation and constant mental aggression of his..

Ladybyrd · 30/08/2020 02:00

Is it reasonable to manipulate someone into going for a(n 11 mile) walk, when you know they're already in pain?

There is a reason why he doesn't have any friends.

SandAndSea · 30/08/2020 02:01

@notforonesecond

I can’t believe you apologised to him!

If my DH was being that much of a pillock (never mind telling me when I had to go to bed) he’d be getting his birthday cards addressed to Brian for the rest of his life. I’d be making friends call him Brian. I’d be getting him personalised gifts with “hi I’m Brian and I love a closed window” written on them. Bloody hell.

This made me snort as I was going to write something similar. (I often call my DP by his Dad's name for similar reasons. In our house, it's a quick, light way to make a point.)

Tbh, I'm a bit torn on this.

On the one hand, your post reminds me of a row we once had years ago, when DP became really upset at the way I was talking about him... to the dog! It sounds rather like the sort of row a couple might have in the first 5 years, when you're still bedding down, before you get used to each other's ways.

On the other hand, I agree with others that he sounds controlling and over-sensitive. I'm also bothered that he insisted you apologise and then refused to accept your apologies. And I can't see what's wrong with leaving your windows open anyway.

How do you feel about going large? I'd be tempted to put my foot down tomorrow. You could tell him he's completely out of order and you're not putting up with another minute of this nonsense! He owes YOU an apology for the way he's behaved.

SandAndSea · 30/08/2020 02:05

I've just realised that I missed another page of posts (I've reached an age when I need to wear glasses but I haven't accepted it yet so almost never have them with me). Anyway, feel free to ignore my reply if it's off.

Toriathebadger · 30/08/2020 03:19

Imagine the scenario as a Facebook update:

You: Woo hoo! 11 miles in the bag! What a walk that was today - scenery was amazing Grin Aching now though - what my knee would do for a rest. Still, same again tomorrow.

  • feeling sore

Friend 1: Wow well done! Put your feet up tomorrow

Mum: Don't forget your painkillers, you know you shouldn't really be walking that far with your knee. You'll be in agony all week now Hmm

Friend 2: Aww don't do it again if you're in pain! The most I've done today is get up to put the kettle on!

Friend 3: Thought you'd gone away for a break Grin

You: I know, I'm aching head to toe! Painkillers aren't touching it Sad

Friend 1: Have a chill day! I'm sure Brian will wait on you hand and foot Grin

You: Actually, I'm not allowed a chill day. I've got to go on the walk because Brian told me to. He'll lose it if I don't. A week of pain is better than a week of punishment!

Friends: ..............

mathanxiety · 30/08/2020 05:44

DH wants to walk the same amount again tomorrow. He knows I’m in some pain now and has said he’ll take the dogs out before bed on his own, but there is no suggestion of modifying our plans for tomorrow to walk less and I know from previous experience if I ask it won’t go well.

Is this more of the same? Or am I just unfit?

Of course you are not unfit.

It's because he can't do anything without you mirroring whatever it is back to him. Your relationship is parasitic and utilitarian on his side, not based on mutual love and respect. He cannot fathom your separateness.

He is empty inside. You are there to remind him that he exists. He needs your congruence, not just your presence. Hence all that he said about goals in your business too. This is why he couldn't cope with the festival on his own and why he can't go for the walk on his own.

Anything you say about your physical reality that impedes his plans or prevents you doing things he wants you there for will be interpreted by him as a threat of abandonment. Hence the face of thunder at the festival.

He's not just common-or-garden lonely or uncomfortable doing things on his own. He has to have you beside him and he has to believe that you are with him in total union of minds and hearts because your absence or even a slight objection to a plan of his is to him an existential threat. To him you are a vital extension of his own self.

He is demanding that your entire life, even your physical existence, be subsumed into his. He cannot allow you to be you because you have to always reflect him back to himself.

You do not owe him what he is demanding of you.
You cannot cure what is wrong with him.