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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

985 replies

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 21:57

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

OP posts:

Atalune · 28/08/2020 21:12

sell the house
take up the student accommodation
make a clean break

FOJN · 28/08/2020 21:26

Anyway see what the solicitor says. You obviously can't have him entering the house. When you get in you might need to 'lose your keys' somewhere that would require s change of locks for security's sake. Good luck proving that one for him and he has a home so fuck all he can do.

This is very important. Your Solicitor will advise you that you are not allowed to change the locks so do not mention it until the locks are changed. My ex would let himself in when I was out to turn lights on, leave doors open and taps running just because he could. I eventually ignored the law and changed the locks.

chickenyhead · 28/08/2020 21:28

OP one further don't here:

Don't treat him the way you would want to be treated. Because he has never treated you the way you would treat someone you loved. He wouldn't react the way you would react, he isnt you.

I made this mistake for years.

Vodkacranberryplease · 28/08/2020 22:06

@FOJN

That's it in a nutshell. You're not 'allowed to' change the locks. You just do it and make up an excuse. You own the house too and when it's done it's too late. No one ever got a criminal record for changing the locks on their own house when no one else lives there

Ladybyrd · 28/08/2020 22:49

Definitely agree with what others have said about losing your keys and changing the locks.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 28/08/2020 22:50

Legal advice is definitely your first step. Take everything else from there. Search for a SHL, see them in secret and as quickly as possible.

I’m worried that you’re going to give up all your rights to keep him sweet. Even if you do, it won’t.

He doesn’t give a shit about you as a human being, only as a reflection of how he wants to see himself.

Please make sure you are advised of all your options legally and financially before you mention anything to him, and keep your safety first and foremost.

I’m so sorry to say it, but I’d either take the dogs or look into temporary fostering/rehoming them.

Catmaiden · 28/08/2020 23:56

Yes, I wouldn't leave the dogs with him.

Original poster

StupidArgument · 29/08/2020 17:20

I can see I've got a few more replies on here but we've actually come away for the weekend, so I'll read them properly on Tuesday.

It's weird, I was dreading coming, so far it's not been too bad, because I feel like I'm seeing how he acts with a new perspective. The weather is really bad here and I wanted the keys so I could go back to the car and he wasn't going to give me them, he tried his usual tricks but I made him give me them.

I was a bit worried it would make me doubt myself and he's being lovely in general but I'm actually even more convinced I'm making the right decision.

OP posts:

Vodkacranberryplease · 29/08/2020 17:22

Well done you!!!! I think you are going to be just fine. Just don't get complacent or think you totally know him and put basic precautions in place 😉

EggyPegg · 29/08/2020 17:25

Lovely to have an update from you, and I'm pleased to see that you're looking at his behaviour with your new perspective. Not much longer to keep up the good little wife act x

Heartbroken21 · 29/08/2020 17:27

**notforonesecond

I can’t believe you apologised to him!

If my DH was being that much of a pillock (never mind telling me when I had to go to bed) he’d be getting his birthday cards addressed to Brian for the rest of his life. I’d be making friends call him Brian. I’d be getting him personalised gifts with “hi I’m Brian and I love a closed window” written on them. Bloody hell.

Ladybyrd · 29/08/2020 18:10

Well done OP. I think that when you've turned that corner there really is no way again. I tried to stay, mostly out of guilt for the ex and his family, but it just got more and more cringeworthy as I simply couldn't bear him being anywhere near me. That's no good for anyone, but once I'd seen his true colours, and I couldn't unsee it and go back to normal. And normal, in retrospect, was pretty shite.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 29/08/2020 18:35

He tried to not give you keys to your own car?

Fucker.

Toriathebadger · 29/08/2020 19:24

Great update! Refusing to give you the car keys... Such a controlling arsehole. I'm so glad you're seeing him for what he is. Once the blinkers are off that's it, there's no way back. You just see them in a whole new light and any respect or feelings you had start to evaporate. It's very empowering and liberating

Catmaiden · 29/08/2020 20:17

Well done!
But, ask yourself, is he really being "lovely in general"?
Or just not quite as much a shit to you, as usual?
Because lovely partners DO NOT try to control your access to your car! They really, really don't.
That's very controlling and very abusive behaviour from him, right there.

Original poster

StupidArgument · 29/08/2020 20:19

Can I ask for some perspective on this please? I’m not sure if this is reasonable or more controlling behaviour.

DH loves walking and I enjoy it but wouldn’t say I loved it. We walk the dogs every day and then do a long walk every Sunday - normally about 5 miles.

Today, we’ve walked over 11 miles and my feet and dodgy knee are killing me.

DH wants to walk the same amount again tomorrow. He knows I’m in some pain now and has said he’ll take the dogs out before bed on his own, but there is no suggestion of modifying our plans for tomorrow to walk less and I know from previous experience if I ask it won’t go well.

Is this more of the same? Or am I just unfit?

OP posts:

AhNowTed · 29/08/2020 20:24

Of course it's more of the same.

Tell him to go on his own. Once again you don't have to do what he wants. You're not joined at the hip. Is he afraid of his life you might have a few hours peace without him. Has to control how you spend your day.

Catmaiden · 29/08/2020 20:25

More of the same stuff. Cruel and abusive. I refer you to my previous post, above your latest.

Say no, get your car keys off him and hide them and do not go, if you do not want to. And that includes even if your knee is ok, you are allowed to refuse to do something you don't want to do!

Catmaiden · 29/08/2020 20:26

He is such a nasty piece of work.

AhNowTed · 29/08/2020 20:27

And why are you "asking"?

Tell him. I'm staying home, or I'll do 5 miles, or whatever.

Stop asking permission.

BruceAndNosh · 29/08/2020 20:28

If you're not used to walking, 11 miles is a LOT.
There is NO reason for you to do the same walk tomorrow if you don't feel like it.

Practice saying "nah I don't fancy that, you go without me"
If he tries to insist you accompany him, ask him "why do you want me to do something I DON'T want to do?"

BluebellsGreenbells · 29/08/2020 20:28

DH would accept I couldn’t do the walk and change plans together or do the walk himself if he was that bothered.

He’d make me a cup of tea and pay for a new book to read or even buy me chocolate.

Binglebong · 29/08/2020 20:29

He's being a dick. It's all very much about what he wants, isn't it?

To put into perspective I'm getting back into walking. I'm sometimes going with my mum who is less fit. To do this we are doing shorter walks with lots of stopping and going at her pace (which is more tiring for me - we all have a optimum speed and going off that is harder). I'm also doing the driving so she can relax before and after.

That's normal behaviour. I've even offered to get the car when we reach a road if she wants to stop. And her going is optional in the first place; I push a little as she enjoys it when she goes but she doesn't feel she has to say yes - in fact she often doesn't. But if you care about someone, or even if they are a random stranger, it is NOT normal to make them do things that hurt and upset them so that you get what you want. It just isn't.

billy1966 · 29/08/2020 20:30

Of course it is.

Nasty and abusive.

Tell him NO.
"I am in pain.
I am NOT going for another walk.
Go yourself."

He is a horror.

Original poster

StupidArgument · 29/08/2020 20:39

@Catmaiden you're right, I know. He's just so convinced he knows what is best, in every situation.

He did actually buy me some chocolate but I sometimes feel like he does nice things like that when he knows he's been unreasonable because then I would feel bad having a go at him or whatever, like a distraction technique

OP posts:

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