AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

All you can ever do is learn and move forward - which you are doing. In style I might add.

All of this. You've got this OP. And we're here if you need us, every step of the way.

I agree, dogs should stay with him.
Having to find accommodation with them in mind is a complication you don't need, particularly if you know he will care for them well.
Give them both the stability of each other.

Everything finalised as much as possible and you safely secure when you tell him.

I really would expect the worst.
He has been violent before.
I really wouldn't trust him.

Don't hesitate to call the police for help.
He is not a good man.

Your safe exit is of paramount importance.

I think it's been suggested that you do a moonlight (well daylight probably) flit leaving behind a letter and I think that's a decent plan.

Obviously since he's constantly hovering over you it won't be easy. So you do need him out of the way and to know how long he will be held up. I was going to suggest pulling a sickie but no doubt he will 'pop back' for lunch.

Can you encourage a short break (for him) or business trip? Anyone who can keep him occupied? Can he visit family?

Ideally you need to leave with everything you need. Not just a bag with some clothes in. So if you can plan it and book someone to move things that's best. Get some of those really big bags you can just throw clothing etc in. Ikea type things.

We are going from summer to winter (sob) so now is a time clothing would be getting packed up etc anyway. You could decide to 'declutter'

If you feel you need to speak to you could always phone him, from the safety of your new place. Apologise for leaving suddenly and tell him you were thinking of him. You don't want to draw out the hurt for either of you. It was too hard to do it any other way. Etc etc.

Explain you've contacted a solicitor but are keen to keep this fair (it won't be his idea of fair but he needs to hear you have a solicitor quickly to nip any arseholeish ideas in the bud). Give him some tosh about feeling its best that you cut contact got a while do you can both 'heal'. Then get off the phone before he starts screaming.

I'd block his number too. He's going to go batshit.

He will go crazy batshit scary. No doubt. Sorry , but he will.

I don't think he does it to hurt me purposefully

DH once jokingly flicked a tea towel at me. It hit me on the arm and it HURT. I was furious and upset. He was deeply deeply apologetic and mortified. He has never, not once, so much as pretended to flick a tea towel at me since.

That's how normal nice men react when you tell them that something they do, no matter how innocently, is unappreciated and painful.

If you really feel the need to tell him face to face then I'd move your stuff in secret and then have someone waiting in the next room when you actually tell him.

Make sure you have everything out and sorted, so that you have no need to go back to the house.

And yes. You built that business up together so make sure you get a fair share or he buys you out. As he is self employed it will be easy for him to hide stuff. Get legal advice.

They dont always turn physically violent when you leave them.. if they're the kind my Ex was, and your DH seems to be (a lot of similarities in behaviour) then they could do what my Ex did... try and maintain control of you by
a) being convinced you must have cheated on them, because why else would you leave them when they're the perfect husband?
b) turning stalker and spending their time trying to prove point A.
c) try and control you via b/a and trying to convince you he cares so still has a right to know where you are/who you're with/what you're doing.

I had kids with my ex, so try and maintain friendly for their sake, but honestly, if i'd been able to just cut him off and block him from all my SM accounts, my life would be so much easier >.

Our situation is, we moved just before Covid and we still have our old house as we were doing it up to sell it. I love our new house, and DH loves the area of the old one. They both have roughly the same amount of equity and I've had a look at finances and I can just about manage to cover the bills on this house for 3 years on what I'd get as student loans and a little bit of savings. It'll be really tight but I could do it. This is all dependent on getting a payment we're expecting beforehand to clear our debt. I'm not interested in taking anything from the business but I am a shareholder.

My plan was going to be, stash some things at my Mum's house - passport, spare car and house keys, some cash, a few changes of clothes and some sentimental items. Unlock all the doors and move the keys away. Get someone, maybe my BIL and DSIS to wait outside our house without DH knowing and set up some kind of system, maybe ring me every 10 minutes or something and if I don't answer to come straight in.

Speak to him, give him the letter, leave and give him a few days to take his things and move back into the old house, stop with my Mum for a few nights and go back home and change the locks once he's gone.

I know that probably seems complicated when compared to just leaving the letter and going, but I just can't do that. I've read all your responses and I'm taking in what you're all saying but I think if I do that and I don't give him the opportunity to rant and shout at me, his reaction would be even worse. He'd come to find me and even if I went to a hotel I'd be scared what he'd do or say to my Mum or my sister while he tried to find me.

I also have an old phone that still works, I was going to move my sim card into that to communicate with him on, then get a new number. That way, I can turn off my phone if he is getting too much or only turn it on when I feel able to talk to him and he'll never have my new number.

I'm not interested in taking anything from the business but I am a shareholder.

OP, please don't be silly about this. You don't need to attempt to take 50/50 but you did help him build it. So you should get something for that. Whether it's an ongoing piece of the equity, him buying you out etc.

Good plan op, but make sure he knows the people are outside if you feel at all threatened.

And you can get lodgers, possibly other students, in to help finance the house on your own. You can earn several thousand tax free, having lodgers and they don't have the same rights as tenants so you can easily give them very short notice if you don't get on.

Stop selling yourself short, without you his business would not be what it is now and you have suffered for his benefit.

As for your plan, sounds good on paper.... I hope he agrees. Are you both named on both houses? And great idea for having people outside on standby. I would actually put a sim in the old phone and call sister or whoever as you enter the house and put in your pocket so she can hear what's going on. A lot can happen in 10 mins

I have just read the whole thread.

First- HUGE CONGRATULATIONS on your uni place- of course you got on. You’re smart, articulate, so right for it. Well done. You did it entirely on your own merit. It’s VERY competitive as I am sure you know. Really really well done.

Second- get student accommodation. This is a huge priority. Then you have somewhere you can move to. Makes it all clean and simple. You could talk to student services and tell them about your abusive coercive relationship. You’ll get more focused help if you do. Do it.

Third- try and quieten those doubting voices. You’ve got this chance to get out. Take it. Grab it with both hands and don’t look back.

Please get some legal advice and do not walk out of this marriage with nothing.

You’re entitled to some of the business.

I agree with lodgers.
You could also do some tutoring to get a feel for teaching
Or find work in a bar or Saturday shelf stacker. All adds up.

Please keep us posted you seem to have thought things through well.

I'm not interested in taking anything from the business but I am a shareholder.
Does that mean that you also have financial and legal liabilities which he could exploit to your detriment to punish you?

Speak to him, give him the letter, leave and give him a few days to take his things and move back into the old house, stop with my Mum for a few nights and go back home and change the locks once he's gone.
Are you legally allowed to change the locks, given you both Co-own the house as a married couple? 🌹

He could kill you within 10 minutes. Just saying.

Please speak to a solicitor before telling him. Also, include copies of all financial documents in the stuff you leave at your mum's.

Anabused woman is most at risk of death, when leaving her abuser. 2 women a week are murdered by their ex/partners, and a lot of those were just emotional abuse until that point.

@Happynow001

I'm not interested in taking anything from the business but I am a shareholder. Does that mean that you also have financial and legal liabilities which he could exploit to your detriment to punish you?

Speak to him, give him the letter, leave and give him a few days to take his things and move back into the old house, stop with my Mum for a few nights and go back home and change the locks once he's gone.
Are you legally allowed to change the locks, given you both Co-own the house as a married couple? 🌹

I have no idea if I'm legally allowed to change the locks or not, I can't see why you wouldn't be, although I do know that legally he could break them but at least then if it was the middle of the night and he was trying to sneak in, I would probably hear him breaking them and be able to phone for help.

Why do you want your sister and BIL to wait outside? All of your plan sounds good, but have them there in the house. It will be the day, and the moment you're leaving. If you want to speak to him directly, there is no further need for secrecy. It won't matter that they overhear your conversation, because you've already decided to leave, and they already know what's happening. He won't want them there because he won't be able to coerce you into staying, either with words, threats or violence, but what he wants is irrelevant.

More to the point, have them there in the ROOM!! Do not leave yourself alone with him for even a minute.

Your escape plan sounds fine in theory. But your husband could easily refuse to leave the house. Given everything you have written about him, it seems unlikely that he would meekly accept your terms and move back to the old house. It would be prudent to think of a Plan B (and possibly a Plan C and a Plan D).

@EggyPegg Why do you want your sister and BIL to wait outside?

I'm not 100% sure, I just have a very strong gut feeling that I need to do it in person and in private. I feel like unless I do it like that, it will make it all much, much worse, but I can't articulate why I feel like that, I can't even form the thought in my mind, if that makes sense? I don't know what I think he'd do or why, just that it feels like the wrong decision.

@DolphinsAndNemesis

Your escape plan sounds fine in theory. But your husband could easily refuse to leave the house. Given everything you have written about him, it seems unlikely that he would meekly accept your terms and move back to the old house. It would be prudent to think of a Plan B (and possibly a Plan C and a Plan D).

You're right. My plan B is to move to the old house myself, one day when he is at work I'll go and get all my things and move into the old house. Plan C is I'll just stay with my Mum longer term.

I think that's why I'm hoping if I say I don't want anything from the business and he prefers the old house anyway, it might be okay.

That feeling is because you are trained up do things that are right for him. And doing it in private will be exactly what he wants, because then there is no-one to witness the things he will stay or do to stop you leaving.

Them being present makes it worse for him. Because then he cannot use his tactics to make you stay, and also because he will know that his cover is blown and that his true nature has been exposed.

You have done so well to keep yourself safe, keep on with that and do not be alone with him.