AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

they won't be oblivious to what has been happening and will probably be thrilled that you're starting to see it and to make plans accordingly?

This in bucket loads, but only if they know you are serious about leaving.

@StupidArgument

Yes I understand. My abuse was similar to yours, emotional and mental with a dollop of financial too. It was all so underhand and mad making.

I attended in person and many of the tick boxes didn't apply to me. When I questioned the presenter she explained that whilst most perpetrators think women are only good for the Cs, my perpetrator made it clear that I was so low, so worthless, that i wasn't even good enough for those things.

Things like redoing the washing up, properly whenever I did it ( one time I just wet clean plates he stilldid it); covering meals made in hp sauce completely; only wanting sex if I was ill; keeping a running list of every penny I owed him up on the fridge; sabotaging any attempt at self improvement through constant picking, buying vast amounts of junk food (which he didn't eat); god its endless.

You can't even be trusted to lock the door or close windows. Maybe you are in the same abuse.

I've just read this whole thread rooting for you all the way. What an exciting journey you've started to the rest of your life. I can't believe how far you've come from that "stupid" argument which in hindsight wasn't stupid at all.

No advice, just - what a woman!!

chickenyhead

Can you not @tag OP as it’ll appear as a notification on her phone

I can guarantee that if I'm out for whatever reason, even if it's a Saturday and I'm not supposed to be working, he normally will be, and there's always something that comes up that is an emergency - driving to the next town over to collect something messy before I go so I've got hardly any time to get ready, or ringing me while I'm out to order some materials that he needs right away

Your DH is using you like a bloody gopher. Is he incapable of ordering/collecting stock himself. Please put a stop to all this fuckwittery.

@StupidArgument - I lost you here

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9?

STOP tagging OP

@BluebellsGreenbells

Aaaarrrrgggghhhh sorry, I have notifications off. Stoopid me

It’s Ok it’s just worth a reminder as it comes up as an email alert and could be damaging.

[quote luckylavender]@StupidArgument - I lost you here

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9?

[/quote]
At 8:30pm, DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight. We were watching a programme that finished at 9pm, so I said "okay, shall we finish watching this and then go to bed at 9?"

Op
Read Talking Heads by Alan Bennett

This relationship belongs in the book.

Like the other stories in book, there is something very “off” going on here. You, him, the marriage. “Off”

@chickenyhead I actually didn't even realise you could turn off notifications, I've just done it myself now.

I'm sorry you've been through similar

My DH actually covers a lot of the food I make in sauce too, it drives me mad.

How did he take things when you seperated?

I am so rooting for you! Have read every single update and only see you going from strength to strength. I'm on the other side of the world but sending you a hand hold for as long as you need it.

it's infuriating isn't it? 4 hours of cooking, just to taste HP sauce. I ended up getting ready meals, because, what is the point.

Leaving went badly, but we had kids. He was an expert at guilting me in to giving in. I had operated on guilt for so long that it felt normal, he sounded reasonable, i felt crazy.

In the end on Christmas day when I just couldn't live one single more day like it (he had 3 personality types I used to call, Mr angry, Mr reasonable and Mr weak) I said it was finally over and I meant it. Mr angry had ruined Christmas for the last time I thought.

He wouldn't leave, cut his arms up, threatened suicide and generally went on a Mr weak rampage in front of the kids, blood, begging everything. I was lucky to get him put in a psychiatric hospital and changed the locks. Job done? No. Every day he called me suicidal, begging to be a dad, why was I being mean. I called the psychiatrist, he told me that he himself was more suicidal than my ex.

Fast forward 6m, he lives with his brother, we are amicable, he didn't work (having gambled his 22k redundancy the year before) so he looked after the kids whilst i worked.

I had lost a lot of weight and felt that I was finally free. He raped me. Several times. He had never ever been violent, ever. It was a shock. I took the MAP, he went back in to the psychiatric hospital. MAP didn't work, I was pregnant and I couldn't find it in myself to have an abortion.

He got out of the hospital and he must of gone through my rubbish, because I hadn't told a single soul yet, because I didn't know what to do, my life was over. He kept going on about "our" baby.

The rest is equally horrific and went on for 7 years. Now that I am out of it I can honestly say that guilt kept me trapped. Not wanting to hurt my kids. But through therapy I now see that this guilt isn't mine. Its his. He chose to behave like he did. He chose to be coercive and controlling rather than love me for who I actually am.

I know that this is long and likely mostly irrelevant, but please don't be like me. Please take this opportunity with both hands and run to it. You have value and nothing to feel guilty for.

I hesitate to tell you to say (over the bed thing) 'ok well you go I'll come up later' because you don't want him seeing any change.

Ditto turning your phone off when you know he will ring you to pick something up (you know his timings by now).

But honestly. What a twat! 8.30? And waiting until just before you go out to run errands? Pathetic. Truly and utterly pathetic. He's almost so pathetic I wouldn't be surprised if he was hiding something very dark like a penchant for S & M complete with full body rubber gimp costumes.

But I'm not sure he's got it in him.

Anyway fortunately half of the UK is becoming unemployed and be able to get a new person for work rather quickly I suspect. So you won't need to feel guilty about that. And he will find someone else who's life he can suck all the fun out of.

And it sounds like you have a good exit strategy. If you feel so inclined you might want to write him a cliche filled letter on scented notepaper saying this like 'we don't light each other up the way we used to' and 'i feel so strongly this is my calling' ' I'll always think about us, but it's not to be, fate intervened' 'I feel we are destined to take separate paths'

The kind of tosh it's very hard to argue with, and even harder to get angry about or blame you for. The kind that gets you off the hook and then you go out with your friends from the course and get very drunk and find yourself yelling 'I'm free!' At 3 am.

Don't let the confusion get you though. A long list of all the things he does wrong and wsys this is not how you want to live should keep that at bay! Hidden of course - for now.

@chickenyhead Oh chickenyhead that is a horrendous story. Just awful. Just shows that when self pity stops they just want someone to blame, and to hurt. I'm guessing impregnating you was deliberate. How chilling.

Just goes to show you can never let your guard down.

Oh my gosh @chickenyhead I am so sorry, that sounds absolutely horrific.

I must admit that I am worried about what his reaction will be. I don't think he would physically hurt me but I have seen him lose his temper before and it isn't nice. I think that's part of why I am so obedient sometimes, or why I'll drop things when we argue or be the one to apologise, because a tiny little part of me is scared of what his reaction would be if I pushed him too far.

@Vodkacranberryplease I was thinking to blame the fact that I am leaving solely on the work issues and how they affect me. He knows I struggle with the job and he might not be as angry if I'm not trying to blame him, if you know what I mean. He's said in the past that he would leave me if I didn't want to work for him anymore anyway.

He would leave you!?? OK that should definitely nail any doubts that you were having earlier!! He wants to control every aspect of your life and if he can't he will find someone that he can.

he won't leave you OP.

Unfortunately it is hard to find such willing victims and he will not accept the affront of you having the bare faced cheek to leave him.

He will try to bulldoze over you, then he might beg ot threaten suicide (I gave up hoping in the end), then he will get the knives out and try to destroy you.

Keep strong and know that if you do ever feel you should go back, you will be made to pay for your disobedience.

This isn't a life. Its a prison sentence and you are not guilty.

He's actually threatened to leave you if you didn't work for him?

I'm so glad you're making plans to go yourself.

Well if he says that one again that's easy.

"Ok go on then"

[quote StupidArgument]@Vodkacranberryplease I was thinking to blame the fact that I am leaving solely on the work issues and how they affect me. He knows I struggle with the job and he might not be as angry if I'm not trying to blame him, if you know what I mean. He's said in the past that he would leave me if I didn't want to work for him anymore anyway.[/quote]
As a general rule do not turn a break up into a character assassination and do not give fact-based reasons for breaking up.

Always go with vague emotional reasons that are all about you.

I am not happy
It is me not you
I just don't feel the spark any more
I need to be alone
I can't explain it, it's just how I feel
I don't love you any more
No one big reason, I just feel I want to be single again
It isn't anything in particular you've done, it's me not you, I can't be happy like this

People react badly to being told they are twats. People who are twats give no fucks and won't have an epiphany because of your leaving speech. They will take whatever you said and turn it round on you.
People, nice and nasty, all tend to make a narrative where they are great and the ex is awful after a breakup. Don't try to control his recovery narrative. He won't accept yours and that will just serve to piss you off.

Write a long break up letter that you never send. You keep it yourself and reread it whenever you wonder if you did the right thing.

I don't think he would physically hurt me but I have seen him lose his temper before and it isn't nice. I think that's part of why I am so obedient sometimes, or why I'll drop things when we argue or be the one to apologise, because a tiny little part of me is scared of what his reaction would be if I pushed him too far.
(My italics and underlined)

OP, if you are EVER tempted to call a halt to your plans and stay, think of this. ^^

This would be your existence with him until the day one of you died. 🌹

I agree don't be specific. Lots of 'i need to follow my dream' crap. Also the work thing is a great one! Just say something about how unhappy you are doing that job (not because of him) and you feel you need to follow a different path. Teaching is your calling. Blah, blah.

Tricky because you need to be clear it's over and make sure his pride is slightly injured but that can be achieved with 'i just don't feel the same way about you any more and it's been like this for a while. You deserve better. You deserve someone that wants you'.

Not saying anything as such apart from it's not something that happened yesterday and so it won't change. Said with the tiniest splash of compassion it will be fucking annoying (enough so he throws his toys out of the pram) but nothing that will really set him off.

You need the penny to drop properly and make sure he has no hope but not have him frothing at the mouth.

If you do it face to face might be good to be ready to go at any moment and even have someone ready to pick you up at a prearranged time. So you say your piece, let him huff and tell you what a bitch you are, then repeat it, then he'll (hopefully) tell you to 'fuck off then!' and you csn scarper.

But you may have a different strategy and decide to do a letter. But whatever you do for gods sake make sure you have anything you want out of the house BEFORE you say anything cause once that conversation is had you won't be getting back into that house or picking anything up. Guaranteed.