AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

Hello 👋 OP.

I haven't told him yet and don't intend to for a couple of weeks at least. Like you say, I need to get all my ducks in a row first.
I can't remember if you already have any recommendations to a suitable (SHL) solicitor. If you don't have anyone IRL who can point you in the direction if one, you can check The Law Society's/Find a Solicitor website for one.
solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Just plug in the type of service you need (Family Law/Relationships) plus your postcode for solicitors in your area. Call a few to get a feel for their fees and personal fit. I've heard (here on MN!) that some give you a complimentary 30mins initially). Don't waste time there/ be focussed and have your information and agenda/goals in place to maximise the benefit of your consultation.

You may not want to proceed legally just yet but this (accruing knowledge) is part of getting your ducks in a row.

Also you may already have a grasp on your finances if I remember correctly, but it also won't hurt to see what your university can offer you financially (check their website) and also check www.entitledto.co.uk for general benefits. Also take what's due to you from your joint account(s) so you have a cash cushion from the start.

As others have said: keep everything under wraps until you are properly organised and have somewhere to go (or present him with a fait accompli and tell after you've moved. You'd be far from the first to do so, and would avoid him trying to sabotage you in so many ways). Ensure you have any personal sentimental items, important documentation (birth and marriage certificates, financial info for both of you and the business) offsite where he cannot access.

Change all passwords and codes to anything he might be able to access (bank accounts, phone, shopping accounts etc) as soon as you are ready to jump and before you tell him.

I'm so happy and excited for you and keeping my fingers firmly crossed for you. 🌹

brilliant news op u must feel great-and yes i believe its a sign of your new life to come

I feel awful today. I can't focus, I feel trembly and like I have a massive weight on my chest.

I'm doubting what I'm doing and if I can do it. The course is going to be hard work and because I'm going through clearing I have so little time to prepare.

I also feel like I'm even doubting myself that my husband is really that bad? Some previous posters suggested I could try standing up to him and seeing what happens, maybe I should just tell him about the course and that I'm leaving his company and see what unfolds from there?

I'm scared and overwhelmed and so mixed up. I'm waiting to speak to someone at Women's Aid as I don't really have anyone I could speak to this about in real life yet but I feel awful and like I don't need to speak to them, like I will be taking time away from someone who is in a really horrible relationship and really needs the help.

I'm so confused.

You really need the help. He is that bad yours is one of the saddest and most controlling relationships I have ever seen.

Please do think very carefully about standing up to him and make sure you keep yourself safe

This is to be expected. You aren’t used to thinking for yourself or putting yourself first. Hence the panic.

Take a few deep breaths and think longer term.

Where is the coarse? Do you need to move?

Little steps are needed.

OP, he really is that bad. Trust all of us who are appalled at his behaviour.
Many of us have been in your shoes, and escaped from a partner like yours, and we are all appalled at the level of control and abuse he's displaying.
Stay strong, and talk to WA. They will help you. Accept all the help on offer.

Do as much as possible in secret for now. Get yourself a solicitor asap and get the facts about what you are entitled to.

If it makes things easier, he doesn't have to know you plan to never come back to him after you go to uni. That can come out after a few weeks.

It's totally normal that you are feeling this way right now.

You have a ton of stuff going on.

There is no rush.

The most important thing is that you can focus on this course and throw yourself into it.

You could try standing up to your husband, and see what happens.

Start small.

Great advice I had from here.

Just pick one thing a day you want to do and do it.

Could be watching a TV programme of YOUR choice, going to bed later, calling a friend when you want to, going out, putting on the radio, whatever.

Start getting in touch with what you WANT and what YOU need.

It's really hard when you've spent years taking the path of least resistance to appease someone else.

You will be doubting yourself and wondering if it's him or if it's you.

Bring the focus back to you, keep your eye on the big picture of your new career.

Keep posting, and never be ashamed to say "He's being nice to me/he did something kind/I'm having doubts/having a wobble".

Just writing it down on the thread (or in a journal) will help you on the journey to what you want.

If your husband is able to come along for the ride, that's great.

If not, you can do it without him, you've already taken the biggest step.

I've just read the thread from start to finish. I've been so mad at your twat of a husband and so sad for you, thinking you only get one life etc. When I read about your interview I literally burst into tears! So embarrassing but I am so happy for you. Every time you get a doubt, and there will be lots, just read the thread back, think of your own happiness and your future. Do not consider his feelings from now on. Everyone on here is rooting for you. Good luck x

OK this is normal. Deep breath. Its part of the process because hes so controlling you barely know where he ends & you begin, & which thoughts are your own. What is real & what isnt. Also called Trauma bonding. Also called FOG (Fear, obligation, guilt).

Make a list of pros & cons of him maybe. You have a not normal life & I think you will be broken by the time you are 40. Imagine the next 7 years doing that job. Not going out or having fun. Going to bed at 9. No kids. No one lives like that - thats enough 'proof' surely?

Get your ducks in a row.

Yes you can then tell him that you are doing the course and resigning from the job and that it will mean changes in lifestyle as the course will be time consuming.

His reaction and then BEHAVIOUR will make it clear as to how quickly things will escalate. You need to be wary of subtle control and undermining going on.

Perhaps ask tell him outright that if he can't 100% support you in this then you will need to move out/end it.

Of course it's scary. Agree with @jamaisjedors above that you need to start focusing on you, even if it's just one thing a day. Then you can see how he reacts. It's obvious things have bothered you for a long time but it's only very recently that it's all cemented in your head as being unsustainable etc. It's perfectly natural that you're now questioning that. So test it. Try something small to start. Then see.

Instinctively, I want to advise you tell him about the course and see his reaction. BUT... the fact is that you did all this in secret. So if your relationship was normal and happy, he'd have a legitimate reason to be upset when you "sprang it" on him. So don't use that as your test because it will be so easy for him to turn it around on you. Rather, as suggested, choose to go to bed at a different time, watch a different program, arrange to meet a friend in the evening... something innocuous that you know in your bones (and we'll remind you if necessary) is perfectly reasonable and normal and that no loving husband would complain about.

Cynically, none of us on this thread believe you'll be happily surprised. But of course, if you are, all the better to start thinking things through. More likely, he'll behave the way you expect and it will help to solidify your thinking.

OP I cant tell you how lovely it is to sit in fron th of the tv on your own watching what you want and eating what you want. I used to go to bed when dh went to bed too, it was more of a 'are we going?' from me when he stood up and he'd ask did I not just want to watch tv and now it's like I'm back to premarraige me, but with the lovely part of being married too. Get tosit on social media watching tv and eating crap!!!

I spoke to WA for around two hours, and I'm feeling much better and resolute again. I've done some of the paperwork for the course which helps as I feel like I've done something practical.

I said to WA when I was speaking to them that I was feeling like maybe I should just be able to pull myself together and get on with things, and the person I was speaking to said "oh so you can just stop having nightmares then? You don't actually need the ADs?" she apologised after for being blunt but I think it was the most helpful thing she said.

She also asked me if I could imagine myself looking back to now at say, Christmas, how would I feel then? And I said I wasn't sure, and gave a couple of possible negatives, but then I gave way, way more potential positives.

Thank you for all your lovely replies too. It's a bit shocking to me that some people have said that this is the most sad and controlling relationship they'd heard of, as I have talked myself into staying in the past by saying to myself "it's not that bad" and "hes only a bit bossy" etc. It's weird to see my relationship reflected through other people in that way. I think I would feel the exact same way if it was looking objectively in at myself.

You're not confused you're scared, you're about to uproot your whole life and hurt someone you care about (despite his faults/treatment of you) in the process, of course you're scared! But if ever there was a 'feel the fear and do it anyway' moment in life this is without doubt yours.

Fear holds many of us back, me included, but in your position I would be far more afraid of 5, 10, 20 more years living the 'half life' you describe because it's pretty much devoid of any hope of change. Of course the brave new future you've been dreaming of feels terrifying but along with all the scary stuff there's so much that will be fun and exciting and challenging and joyful. Can you really turn your back on all that opportunity just because you're scared?

I know how hard it is to be 'selfish' when you've always put others first but should you really be prioritising someone who is effectively stifling the life out of you? Someone who loved you would support your dream of being a teacher and the fact that you've been pretty sure all along that you would have to leave him to do the course tells you everything you need to know. You are more than an accessory to him and deserve to live your life and follow your dreams, please don't chicken out now

So glad you got on the course, you will do amazingly at it and I am also glad you are going to leave you husband, when I started reading this I honestly thought you were going to say you were in your 50's, I was so shocked when you said you were 33, you are only 2 years older than me.

More positivity OP, you are definitely on the right path to a better life!!

I don't want to trigger anything but did WA talk through an exit plan? As in, getting all the financial paperwork is a given, but do you find somewhere to live first and then just walk or just walk and get to safety? Or do you want to stay in the house and he leaves?

OP your situation is really horrible and a lot of people have been there. It is my worst nightmare.

You are serving a life sentence in solitary confinement for a crime you didn't commit.

When the abuse has no neon sign and arrow you feel even more wrong for wanting to change it. But the truth is that you can change it even if it was healthy, just because it isn't meeting your needs. You don't need to justify yourself.

Please consider doing the Freedom Programme before you speak to him. You are incredibly vulnerable right now and you are used to being treated this way. It is YOUR normal and you feel comfortable in that. Think of it as institutionalisation.

The future of Freedom will give you peace and hope. You deserve better.

If you decide to stay, he WILL try and sabotage your course. There will always be an emergency or problem while you're due to hand in your assignment.

@KnobJockey

If you decide to stay, he WILL try and sabotage your course. There will always be an emergency or problem while you're due to hand in your assignment.

He will, you're absolutely right. I can guarantee that if I'm out for whatever reason, even if it's a Saturday and I'm not supposed to be working, he normally will be, and there's always something that comes up that is an emergency - driving to the next town over to collect something messy before I go so I've got hardly any time to get ready, or ringing me while I'm out to order some materials that he needs right away. Both of those examples have happened in the past couple of months.

@combatbarbie

More positivity OP, you are definitely on the right path to a better life!!

I don't want to trigger anything but did WA talk through an exit plan? As in, getting all the financial paperwork is a given, but do you find somewhere to live first and then just walk or just walk and get to safety? Or do you want to stay in the house and he leaves?

Yes they did. I already had an idea in my head and they said it sounded good and gave me additional bits of advice. I want to talk about it on here actually but not sure if it would be too outing or too much information? I started another thread in relationships but had to get it deleted as I put too much into it. I'm being careful to log out and things but I'm still a bit paranoid he might find this thread.

@chickenyhead Please consider doing the Freedom Programme before you speak to him.

I did look at the Freedom Programme but I didn't really feel like it helped me much. I looked at the Dominator vs Mr Right graphic, and I only ticked 4 of the bullet points for it. And I ticked 5 for the Friend. So I don't know if it would really apply to me?

He will, you're absolutely right. I can guarantee that if I'm out for whatever reason, even if it's a Saturday and I'm not supposed to be working, he normally will be, and there's always something that comes up that is an emergency - driving to the next town over to collect something messy before I go so I've got hardly any time to get ready, or ringing me while I'm out to order some materials that he needs right away. Both of those examples have happened in the past couple of months.

This is absolutely classic behaviour and it's good that you recognise it. I'm also guessing that some of these tactics have been used to help separate you from friends and family. I know you've already explained how he's made it difficult/uncomfortable or you to spend time with them, but I'd put money on him having come up with excuses that seem SOOOO genuine and important in the past too. I speak from experience as BIL waged a campaign of a few years to drive a wedge between us and SIL and this was one of his key tactics. He may well have employed some of the others your H has done, but SIL is too loyal to have ever told us. But we saw this one over and over again.

I'm sure if you keep your plan vague not mentioning towns etc there will be others who have done similar and will be able to give you guidance, dos/don'ts etc but it is entirely up to you.

When does the course start? I'm just thinking you can't be in 2 places at once if you work for him.

Have you considered reaching out to your family for some RL support? If they're anything like us with SIL, they won't be oblivious to what has been happening and will probably be thrilled that you're starting to see it and to make plans accordingly?