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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

985 replies

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 21:57

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 25/08/2020 15:04

Have you considered not telling him? Not yet anyway. Get your exit ducks ready first.

StupidArgument · 25/08/2020 15:06

@Frouby yes, definitely a combination of exciting and scary! What are you going to study?

She has never lived her own life mde her own decisions, always done what others want her to. Don't live all your life like that, it's just a half life.

That's me, it really is. He has been being really nice to me and I feel guilty and I had some doubt about leaving him and questioned if I should I not. Maybe I should just be happy doing the course and stay with him? But then I thought how my life still wouldn't be my own, I would still have a bedtime, I would still feel like his assistant. However hard it's going to be, I need to make a clean break and just accept whatever comes after that.

OP posts:
StupidArgument · 25/08/2020 15:07

@TorkTorkBam

Have you considered not telling him? Not yet anyway. Get your exit ducks ready first.
I haven't told him yet and don't intend to for a couple of weeks at least. Like you say, I need to get all my ducks in a row first.
OP posts:
StupidArgument · 25/08/2020 15:11

Thank you so much for all the support you've all given me and for being so kind and congratulatory. I actually feel hopeful for my future and just life in general for the first time in a long time. I know I have some hard stuff to do first but at least I have something to focus on moving towards now!

OP posts:
StupidArgument · 25/08/2020 15:12

@combatbarbie

This is amazing, take it as a sign 😉
I know Mumsnet is very anti-woo in general, but I really do feel like it is a sign. The person who interviewed me said it is normally very, very rare to have places on this course available through clearing.
OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 25/08/2020 15:38

Ahh just read through your thread and felt so sorry for you living like that - and a lot of your H's behaviour reminded me of my ex, not least the "going to bed at the same time".

Having come out the other side (with the help of MN) I can guarantee you have a wonderful life waiting for you.

It broke my heart to leave exH and I felt so guilty and doubtful of myself but now everyday I feel so happy to be free and living my own life and making my own choices.

Huge congratulations on your uni place !

Total red flag that you couldn't tell your H about the interview, I used to hide a lot from exH too because I was walking on eggshells all the time.

nasiisthebest · 25/08/2020 15:53

Congratulations!

You can now start your own life, I really think it will make you happier. I'm excited for you!

Frouby · 25/08/2020 16:20

Leave him. As soon as it is practically possible. Do your course, be amazing. Don't stay for children that may or may not happen because then you will never leave. Boys will grow to be as controlling, girls to be as controlled. But you know this already.

It's a massive decision to make. But how would you do a degree with someone as controlling as this. I guarantee he will make it too difficult. He will try all his usual tactics and if they don't work, he will ramp it up. Guarantee a health crisis of some kind, a mental breakdown type thing. In fact, when you leave him, prepare for that anyway. He will definitely not be able to live without you, will definitely kill himself, will make a halfhearted attempt. I'd personally instruct a solicitor before you leave, be prepared to block him via phone and just give him your solicitors contact details to deal with the financial stuff. It won't be easy leaving him but oh my days it will be so worth it!

I'm going to be studying eng lit with philosophy (with a foundation year) so 4 years altogether. Then possibly also go intl teaching, but main interest is adults/older teens. Not sure yet. But know I can't wait tk start.

Your university will probably have an official FB and there are whatsapp group chats for each course, if you can, find them so you can chat to fellow students and get to know a bit more. When do you start? Mine is 21 sep for freshers/intro week then 28th teaching starts.

I had a lovely couple of hours last week shopping with dd, who starts 6th for next week,getting all our stationery and supplies and stuff. Its very, very exciting 😁

willowmelangell · 25/08/2020 16:33

Congratulations! It absolutely is a sign that @StupidArgument is awesome!

TeamLannister · 25/08/2020 16:45

I'm so pleased for you! Don't give up on this, you can absolutely do it!!

AryaStarkWolf · 25/08/2020 16:50

Delighted to hear your news OP, best of luck with everything

Vodkacranberryplease · 25/08/2020 16:50

@StupidArgument I only say that so that in your head you can deal with how those things make you feel. So when you actually do tell him (your timing of course!) you won't be caught off guard. You will be cool as a cucumber! Anyway you could just take the chickens way out (which I would) and leave the course paperwork lying around...

And Dubai. Why not? All she did was look in the paper teachers use for jobs, they advertise every year and contracts are for two years. You should see the apartments. Oh my god. She's just gone out there now. She teaches high school but I should imagine they have all ages there. The apartment is included and pay in Dubai is often tax free USD.

I'm not Woo either but I do believe in fate or signs call it whatever. Like the world making it happen for you. You did so well getting a place - I hadn't realised that it wasn't a general intake. StarFlowers

You are going to have so much fun.

billy1966 · 25/08/2020 16:53

OP,

The ONLY reason he is being nice is he can sense that you are pulling away and he doesn't know what exactly is going on.

He probably sees a glint in your eye.

He wants to use and control you.

Tell him NOTHING until you are organise no matter how tempted.

He will not want you to go anywhere.
Please enlist support from any friends and family that you can rely on.

So pleased for you.Flowers

billy1966 · 25/08/2020 16:54

Oh a solicitor would be a good idea to let you know exactly where you stand.
You have been working for him.

Copies of all financials is a must.
Bank accounts etc.

CloudPop · 25/08/2020 17:29

Good for you! Wishing you all of the very best. Stay strong 💪

IloveJudgeJudy · 25/08/2020 17:48

Congratulations! I hope you find the best way forward for you, even if it means your having to leave him and doing this on your own. That'll probably be best.

Vodkacranberryplease · 25/08/2020 17:57

Also to put my fortune telling hat on.. when you do tell him get ready for The Compromise.

This involves offering you all kinds of things and making heartfelt promises if only you don't take the place. Including
The Stall. "Just put it off for a year so I can prepare" (you won't get this chance and he will never be ready so don't)
The Dream Life "if you don't take the place we will take this dream trip/do these fabulous things" except then he suddenly won't want to
I'll Change "I'll change and become the exciting man you always wanted" except it's not his personality and he can't.

PrimalLass · 25/08/2020 18:02

@StupidArgument

Thank you all so much for the well wishes about my interview. It actually got rescheduled to today, I've just finished it and...

I got offered a place!!!

I can't believe it, I feel like I can't quite catch my breath. I'm happy and excited and also terrified all at once!

I got some really lovely feedback from the person who interviewed me as well, I can't believe this dream of mine has actually come true - or at least step 1 of it Grin

I've been taking things one thing at a time since posting on here, and I've been so focused on this interview, so I'm a bit scared of what comes next and I'm going to make a plan to get through it but I'm going to forget about that today and just be happy.

Amazing news!
everythingbackbutyou · 25/08/2020 18:05

@billy1966, that's what I thought too. These guys seem to have a sixth sense when something in the relationship dynamic has shifted and instinctively start to dial back their problematic behaviours.

LemonyFace · 25/08/2020 20:47

Congratulations OP!

CiCiFreakingBabcock · 25/08/2020 21:26

How super OP, congratulations!

chickenyhead · 25/08/2020 21:43

Well done you!

It is a sign. A sign that the prospect of actually being all you can be is the way forward.

You can't do that in concrete boots can you?

You deserve to have a good life. Your own choices. Your own future.

X

Daftapath · 25/08/2020 22:00

OP, I am so thrilled for you many congratulations!

I was also coming on to suggest that you don't tell him at all. He actually doesn't need to know until you have left (if even then). Maybe just concentrate on planning how you will leave. My next step would be to meet a solicitor to discuss where you stand.

I know I am always banging on about finances but try to get financial info for the business if you can, as well as any other information, pensions, investments, debts, savings for you both.

BlingLoving · 25/08/2020 22:04

Well done OP!!

Somevampsarehot · 25/08/2020 22:38

I've just read this whole thread in one go, and your latest updates have brought a tear to my eye OP. I am so beyond thrilled for you! Good luck with your brilliant future, I have no doubt that it really won't take you long to get back to the happy, fun person you were before your husband Flowers