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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

985 replies

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 21:57

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

OP posts:
MJMG2015 · 25/08/2020 12:44

Sorry, I lost your thread!

So much has happened (I just read all of your posts).

Congratulations!! 🍾🥂

There's no point taking over things that you said earlier as you are going to leave him, do your course & start a new & exciting chapter of your life

I know telling him & one of you moving out and all that isn't going to be easy, but it WILL be worth it, promise!!

You will meet someone else & have babies, but PLEASE before you do that, become strong on your own & do some counselling. We don't want you ending up in the same position again!

But for TODAY just be HAPPY 😁🎂

BadlydoneHelen · 25/08/2020 13:04

I'm so thrilled you got the place! You how the power of MN behind you so go for it

BadlydoneHelen · 25/08/2020 13:05

Have not how obviouslyGrin

Moviestar · 25/08/2020 13:05

wonderful news ! onwards and upwards, you have a bright new shiny life waiting for you!
Just be prepared for him to do everything to knock your confidence, and prevent you starting your new life.
BEST of luck to you. Well done!!

Iwouldlikesomecake · 25/08/2020 13:17

This is fantastic news. Hold onto it like a shiny coin and keep it for yourself until you are sure that he can’t destroy it in your mind and turn it around.

I had a total career change in my early 30s and I was single through my early-mid 30s and had an utter ball. It gave me freedom I would never have had if I’d been in a relationship (working away, doing stuff on a whim, just pleasing myself). Got together with DH at 35 and married at 38.

This is a chance for you to LIVE. It doesn’t matter your chronological age. You get to live the life you never yet led.

billy1966 · 25/08/2020 13:22

So delighted for you.
Many congratulations.

Now.
Make as many plans and arrangements before you say anything.
Can you stay in Halls?
Can you transfer funds into your own account.
Unfortunately he will not take this lying down.
I would expect him to do everything he can to prevent this.
Everything you can arrange before he knows will make the move easier.
Having accommodation and funds being the top two.

Please plan and protect yourself.

Again, congratulations.

A wonderful new life awaits you.
Flowers

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 25/08/2020 13:30

Just caught up with your thread OP - massive congratulations! Super impressed with how much you got your shit together - you're an inspiration 💪

Wiggytwiggy · 25/08/2020 13:32

Fantastic news, I think you'll be a brilliant teacher.

rainbowstardrops · 25/08/2020 13:35

Fantastic!

combatbarbie · 25/08/2020 13:37

This is amazing, take it as a sign 😉

timeisnotaline · 25/08/2020 13:39

Wonderful news! You will be a fabulous teacher, I can tell your whole life awaits!!

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 25/08/2020 13:43

Cracking news! You are awesome, you can do anything!! You. Are. WOMAN, hear you ROAR!
Scuttles away back into the kitchen jealously

KatherineSiena · 25/08/2020 13:44

Oh very well done. I’ve been lurking and kept checking to see how it went. I’m so pleased for you and hope this can be the impetus you need to embark on a wonderful new life. 💐

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 25/08/2020 13:44

Delighted for you. Congratulations!

2015newstart · 25/08/2020 14:10

Congratulations! I have just read the whole thread and I'm so pleased for you!

I also wanted to say that five years ago I was in your shoes, even down to the 'once in a blue moon' incidents like shoving and thinking that was just what relationships were like. I eventually worked myself up to leave one night after we had an argument and I wedged the spare bedroom door shut because I was scared- it was my lightbulb moment. If it helps, I met DH 12 months later (with a bit of dating in the middle) and we're now married and very happy. I also left with no money and have built myself back up to where I was financially before I left. It is scary, and I remember being scared, but please know that it's so worth it. Good luck!

Calabasa · 25/08/2020 14:17

Reading this thread has been like a punch in the stomach.. so much of what has been said is stuff i've been through with my H.

We're separated now, for nearly 3 years, and honestly i was terrified to leave him as i didnt know how to function without him, having been together for 16 years.

I'm a LOT happier now, i have a life, friends, reconnected with family, hobbies.

It's scary as fuck, and you will wobble as life without someone like that is weird when its all you've known.. but its SO worth it, please stay on this path, get yourself free from him and love your life as your own!!

Newkitchen123 · 25/08/2020 14:19

Well done that's great

Catmaiden · 25/08/2020 14:31

Well done!

MNX42 · 25/08/2020 14:32

Fabulous news! Keep your eyes on the prize and don't waver. You can do this!

BaconsLaw · 25/08/2020 14:37

Well done!

OhYeahYouSuck · 25/08/2020 14:39

Well done OP. That's great news. Do NOT let your controlling H put a dampner on this, as he will. He will sense you slipping out of his control and is likely to ramp up his unpleasant behaviour. This is the first step towards your new life, without this tosser.

Pashazade · 25/08/2020 14:46

Bloody brilliant OP, well done. Hold onto this with both hands and do not let it go, you've got this and you deserve your chance.

Frouby · 25/08/2020 14:46

Congratulations OP on your place. I start uni in September too at the ripe old age of 42! It's so exciting isn't it if a little scary.

As for your DP, ltb. You remind me of my lovely cousin. She had a toxic co dependent relationship with her parents and then swapped it it another toxic relationship with her dp, then dh.

She has never lived her own life mde her own decisions, always done what others want her to. Don't live all your life like that, it's just a half life.

mamaoffourdc · 25/08/2020 14:48

Yay!!!!!

StupidArgument · 25/08/2020 15:02

@Vodkacranberryplease I imagine those are all the exact things he will say, I can just imagine it now. I do have a feeling of dread about telling him.

A teacher friend of mine had just swanned off to Dubai to do two years. Was staying in a luxury hotel. Now living in a luxury apartment, with a pool. And I do mean luxury. For free. Getting paid loads. Loads. She's 40.

That does sound amazing to be fair Grin

OP posts:
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