Congratulations on your interview, that's a fantastic achievement!
I'm a long time lurker, but I did want to reply to your thread. I feel so much for you, the advice you've been given here is so great but you must be going through so much right now trying to get your head around it.
I've been supporting a friend through lockdown leaving an abusive partner, and I'd like to share a few things that I hope might help you.
Women's Aid is a great resource, there's also a lot of information on Refuge so do take a look. Both charities can help you come up with an exit plan as well, if and when you're ready to make the break.
Youll find pages on their websites about this, including lists of things to take (eg passport and important docs)
There are forums out there specifically for domestic abuse survivors and I know of some friends who drew the strength they needed to leave from them (not that everyone here hasn't been great to you).
I'm also going to highlight another resource, I'm not suggesting for a moment you'll need it, but if you do then it will really help you to know it's there...It's the National Centre for Domestic Violence - they provide a free service to obtain an emergency injunction against the abusive party should you need it. It isn't just for people experiencing violence, but those experiencing any form of abuse - coercive control, emotional, financial etc.
In the last few months, I've found them very helpful and they can turn things round in just a day or two. They'll organise a solicitor who will manage the legal aspect so the applicant doesnt need to do much, and they're sensitive about communications so won't call unless it's safe to do so - or you can nominate a trusted friend to be your point of contact. They arrange legal aid to cover fees to it's free to use. It can be done completely confidentially without the abusice party's knowledge until the injunction is served.
If you choose to leave and are worried about finances, do some research in your evenings while he's asleep at what resources there are available to you.
There may well be local grants that can help with living costs etc. Should you be accepted onto your course as well, ask about bursaries and scholarship funds.
Take a look at Turn2us- they have a search facility to look for local grants in your area that you might be eligible for. For student costs, you can also do a web search for grants and bursaries.
I think the fact that you already have a 'running away fund' shows that subconsciously you knew you either wanted to or had to leave some point. Our gut instinct is very powerful.
And you are powerful. You might not feel it yet, but give it time, you have far more strength and resilience than you know. I understand how frightening it is, the idea of striking out on your own, but you absolutely have the capability to do so and you WILL make a success of it.
I listened to a podcast recently where a woman said how she'd dithered at doing a PhD later in life - she said she'd be 50 by the time she got it. 'But,' said her tutor, 'you'll be 50 and have a PhD '
The world is your oyster and you're about to see how much is out there waiting for you. :)
Don't let anyone convince you that you cannot cope without your husband, you absolutely can. If you ever find that he is manipulating you or undermining you, ask yourself what the benefit to him is...chances are it'll be a way to ensure he maintains his power and have you at his beck and call.
I noticed you said that you felt you had to keep apologising to keep the peace even when you realised it was him in the wrong. It's OK to do what you need to in order to keep yourself physically and emotionally safe.
If you feel that you need to play along in order to keep the peace, to keep your head clear so you can think, then that's OK.
You said you can't up and leave straight away, that's OK. Do what you need to do to enable you to leave - it might take a bit of time, but you've evidently already started down that road and that takes enormous strength.
Know that however you decide to go about leaving, it's your choice and can be done entirely your way, in the way you feel most comfortable with. All the advice you'll receive, it might feel a little overwhelming at times but you don't have to do anything you don't choose to, even if other people don't understand.
Guilt at choosing to change things and take control of your life is completely normal. Just remember that you are NOT a bad person and in choosing to do so you have no reason to feel guilty.
I will add that i know some abusive partners don't realise how bad their behaviour is. This doesn't offer an excuse for it or make it ok in the slightest. For example, it is often the case that when presented with an injunction they are pulled up short and can suddenly realise and accept their behaviour. However bad their abusive behaviour may be, many then back off with the intervention. So... if you think it's something that at any point you think might be helpful, don't be put off by 'what ifs'. You can always give them a call and talk through your worries and fears- they deal with it day in and day out. Again, I'm not saying an injunction is needed in your case, i don't know and it might not be, just that if it is, it's not nearly as scary as it may sound.
You might find Tara Swart's book 'The Source' helpful too :) It can help you see how much is in your control and manage anxiety etc. Talk to your GP as well, when you're ready, they can be a great support. And perhaps, reach out to your family?
You're clearly really resilient already, with your own numerous coping strategies. Have faith- lots of people change their lives in there 30s (or later!) You still have so much living to do, the way you want to do it.
And it really is brilliant news about your interview! :)