AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

Damage limitation

@sixesandeight I'm sorry to hear you've been through similar, and I would feel the same thing, so guilty that I was upsetting our lovely times together. How do you cope with still struggling to accept that he wasn't a nice man? Are you happy in the long run that you ended things?

I'm finding it hard to carry on our normal life while I get everything sorted. He has been trying to be really nice to me today, and my Mum had a problem with her car and she rang him and he went and sorted it for her.

I'm really struggling to even look at him, while we ate our dinner I was just looking at my food, and I was washing up and he came up behind me and put his hands on my hips and it felt really uncomfortable, like a stranger at a bar had done it or something.

I'm not doubting my decision, but I am feeling really guilty.

I can't stop thinking how he'll be blindsided and upset and I do love him and don't want to hurt him. It's awful.

This is because you are a nice, conscientious person. He on the other hand doesn't see you as an individual at all. He is not at all concerned for your wants or needs. A person like your H isn't even capable of liking someone, let alone loving them.

Within a week of you leaving he will have someone else lined up to take your place.

You can expect lots of manipulation in various forms - all sorts of communication designed to draw you back into engagement with him, including total silence. The best thing you could do once you leave is to block him on your phone and on SM. You can communicate with him via solicitor.

His problems are not your problem. He will manage very well without you.

He will sense something is off.

PLEASE make sure you log off MN when you are done with each session.
Change your password.

@mathanxiety your post is spot on bar
Within a week of you leaving he will have someone else lined up to take your place

This is someone that she's loves and trusted, she may be in FOG but to think he may move on quickly will be gut wrenching for Op. I know it wasn't said with malice though.

[quote combatbarbie]@mathanxiety your post is spot on bar
Within a week of you leaving he will have someone else lined up to take your place

This is someone that she's loves and trusted, she may be in FOG but to think he may move on quickly will be gut wrenching for Op. I know it wasn't said with malice though. [/quote]
No, do you know what - I know he will.

We've talked about it before in the context of if one of us died, and he would move on very quickly, I know he would. He doesn't like to do his own menial labour.

I apologise for the punch in the stomach.

I definitely could have chosen a better way to say that victims are fungible for someone like this man. It helps greatly in the process of moving on to realise that she did not contribute at all to the dynamic. It was all his instinctive way of behaving in a relationship, and what he did / does to her he would do to anyone. He actually needs someone in his life to grind down and control, and won't go long without someone as a result.

@StupidArgument, mine has done exactly what @mathanxiety said. I said I was leaving the 25 year relationship in November. He was heartbroken for a whole 6 weeks or so before diving into another serious relationship. Like you, I knew how it was going to go, and for the exact same reason = "He doesn't like top do his own menial labour". Spot on! I wish it were possible to place a bet at the bookies as to him being remarried within 18 months to his latest victim - I would become an instant millionaire. Like you, I felt so wretched when I was making my exit plans. I have no doubt that on some level he was blindsided, but only because he is so supremely arrogant that he thought he would always be in control. Remember, as I have to remind myself often, he is the one that forced you into the position of having to leave because of his abusive choices. This is the natural consequence.

The tensing up when he puts his hands on you is a clear signal. Trust your instincts. I remember this horrible feeling with my exh. Tensed up hearing him walk towards a room, tensed up at the sound of his voice. What a relief and a weight was lifted when I left. You'll be able to do what you want, when you want.

My ex moved another woman in within weeks, and then cheated on her, and got engaged to another one within weeks.

They never change. Just move on to another victim.

I’m intrigued by the sex before you go out thing. Is this a common feature of control?

@TomNook I wouldn't say it was common place as such but def a reg flag in my opinion. It's like he's marking you with his scent...a primal act. And will do it because he thinks (not fears), by you going out without him that you are clearly going to hook up with a man.

[quote combatbarbie]@TomNook I wouldn't say it was common place as such but def a reg flag in my opinion. It's like he's marking you with his scent...a primal act. And will do it because he thinks (not fears), by you going out without him that you are clearly going to hook up with a man. [/quote]

It's like he's marking you with his scent..
Ughh!! That's so grim...

OP, be strong. There is an alternative better future out there for you.
My best friend married at 31, planned for children when their careers allowed. Until her husband rang her (RANG HER!) to say he had decided that he didn't want to have children or the marriage after all. She was 37 and thought her chance for a family was gone.
She actually met someone else fairly quickly (she was a lovely person so was a definite catch) and had a baby with him at 40 and they married a year later. They had a very happy marriage for 20 years until her death.
A family might not be in your future, but happiness with someone loves and respects you as an equal can be.

Yes, it’s like a dog pissing up a lamppost to mark his territory. He wants to mark you as his, like you can’t go out without being reminded who you belong to first. It’s a horrible primal instinct when you think about it, when you think that he can actually get aroused and do the deed when that is his motivation. It doesn’t make you feel very much of a person does it.

I also bet your H doesn’t look for inthusiastic consent. When he wants sex if you say no he’ll moan and guilt and not leave you alone until you give in, but I bet like me you just let him do it most of the time because you feel guilty saying no, even when it makes you feel sick and dirty. Then after the event he’ll be worrying that you weren’t into it and make you feel guilty all over again.

[quote StupidArgument]@Feedingthebirds1 I think if I get offered this place, I will be doing it without DH. He wouldn't support me to do it. I know it will be hard work, I have friends who are Primary Teachers so I'm under no illusion as to the amount of work involved but I can do it.

That's so awful about what people's partners have done to them on their course. It's actually made me remember, when I was in my early 20s I started doing some wedding photography, and my first job paid me £200 by cheque and I thought it was so amazing. It was in an envelope with my name on it, and I went to get it out of the drawer to put it in the bank and couldn't find it anywhere. DH helped me looked for it but I could tell he knew where it was, he'd ripped it in half and thrown it into the bin and then taken the bin out to the wheelie bin. He said he thought the envelope was empty but I don't know why he wouldn't have just looked in it?[/quote]
He really is abusive isn't he? And jealous

He certainly won't be supportive of you teaching because it will put paid to any chance of going to bed at the time he wants!

[quote StupidArgument]@TorkTorkBam yes I am definitely feeling the FOG at the minute, I feel wretched at the thought of what I'm going to do. I don't want to live like this anymore but I can't stop thinking how he'll be blindsided and upset and I do love him and don't want to hurt him. It's awful.[/quote]
Okay.

Unpick that.

Why do you 'love' him? What about him is loveable?
In what way is he loving towards you?

Does he put you first? Consider your feelings? Does he do anything to make you happy? Your life easier?
Does he want what's best for you?

@Nanny0gg *Why do you 'love' him? What about him is loveable?
In what way is he loving towards you?

Does he put you first? Consider your feelings? Does he do anything to make you happy? Your life easier?
Does he want what's best for you?*

I think, in his own way, he thinks he is doing the right thing by me. He likes things his own way and always thinks he knows best, in all situations. It's why he has to have his own business. I think if I said he was abusive he would be shocked, he wouldn't think of himself like that. He thinks because he gives me money and he works hard he is taking care of me. I'm grateful that he is generous with money but sometimes it feels like a double edged sword. For example, he will take me on a lovely holiday, but we have to go and be away for Christmas, because that's the only time of year that his work industry stops, so he is forced to have time off. Whereas I would be happy with a much simpler holiday in the summer.

He rarely goes out drinking, he doesn't smoke or do drugs or gamble, these are things he sees as bad habits and so by not doing them it's a good thing for me. And I think he thinks that because he works so hard, he deserves to have me take care of him.

I've been a doormat, I know I have. Looking back I feel like I should have seen it coming, but it's been so gradual. The boiling frog analogy that other people have mentioned is so true.

Its all about Him. His needs, wants, beliefs.

What about you?

My ex doesn't consider himself to be a rapist, despite my screaming. HIS opinion is irrelevant.

You didn’t say once in that why you love him though OP. It’s just a list of things that he likes, wants and believes - you are completely missing from the picture.

Him being financially generous doesn’t mean he gets to buy your personality and exchange it for total compliance.

Where is what you want, need and believe?

Where, above all, is the respect, trust and affection that is at the core of love?

Maybe you don’t love him, maybe you’re just used to him and can’t imagine your life not entangled in this relationship.

You naturally don’t want to hurt him, and you know he will be, but abusers don’t usually think of themselves as abusers. His whole family is probably like this and he knows nothing else. Him not realising he’s making you miserable isn’t any reason to let him continue to do it, or for him to believe his behaviour is fine.

Don’t be too hard on yourself OP. You have been with this man for a long time, he’s all you’ve really ever known. All the life lessons about not being a doormat and spotting red flags are things we learn in adulthood, more often than not by making mistakes and/or getting ourselves into situations that are bad for us. One of the things you will learn when you are processing and coming to terms with all this is to forgive yourself, because if you can’t forgive yourself then you will never trust yourself again.

Life is about learning, gaining knowledge and insight into situations and understanding how relationships work. You can’t do any of that until you’ve been around the block a bit, and it’s the knowledge and experience you accrue by doing that that means you discover who you are, what you want and what you need. It takes a good many of us, myself included, a good long time to learn these things, but if you listen to the lessons life is teaching you you’ll be a stronger more confident person for it.

You will grieve for the relationship you have lost, the relationship you thought you had and the relationship you wish it was, that is natural and normal, and then you will start to rebuild yourself and your life in the way that you want it.

As for your H, well, no, he wouldn’t think or accept the fact that he is abusive, none of them do. They have core beliefs in their heads that you can’t shake or change, and him thinking his wife is his property to control is part of that. It doesn’t matter at the end of the day what he thinks or believes though, because we’re not talking about him or his life, we’re talking about you and your life. You only get one life and you deserve to fill it with things that make you happy, and people who care about you and want you to be happy. Your H also has one life and it’s his responsibility to do the same, but his right to be happy, cared for and valued is no less important than yours.

Even when you start your course, he will find ways to sabotage it. You are his possession, you are not a real person like him you are like an article of clothing.....

@WinterAndRoughWeather

Where is what you want, need and believe?

I'm not sure how to answer that. I don't know anymore. I want to be a teacher, it's something I've always wanted to do, I think I would be good at it and fit into the culture and I want to be around children. If I don't end up having my own I would be devastated but I feel like teaching and being around children would help me in that regard.

That's the only thing I keep coming back to, that's why my first instinct was to see if I still had chance of getting on to do a course in it, but aside from that, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. Looking back, when I was in college, I was such a different person. My husband is so serious, and it makes me serious. I used to be so silly and funny, and I don't think anyone would describe me in that way anymore.

Maybe you don’t love him, maybe you’re just used to him and can’t imagine your life not entangled in this relationship.

I really don't want to say this, but this is something that I have been considering too.

Why don't you stand up to him and do what you want, OP? What would he actually do? I'm just trying to work out whether he is a full on thug or just a bit of a twat at times.