AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

You poor young woman.
Only one precious life, and you living it with that nasty abusive bully.

I hope so much you get that course and leave him.

The regret you will feel if you don't will be truly awful.

So many poor women don't take the chance and are locked into a situation for years.

You don't have dependants, just your precious self to contine.

He is utterly despicable.

He doesn't love you.

You are to be controlled.

A weak, insecure little man.

You are worth 10 of him.

Don't set up hurdles and delays for yourself like "if I get the place..."

You are not happy. You know you need to be on your own. Get that done. Get yourself stable handling that huge life change instead of deciding to delay and couple it with another huge life change.

I expect you are in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) as a result of being controlled by him for your whole adult life.

Liberate yourself!

Do you know how you would do so? If today you went fuck it I have had enough of this shit how would you fuck off to elsewhere successfully?

Fucking hell that cheque story... he is such a horrible, mean spirited, mood hoover, fun sponge, bitter little person.

What a cuntish thing to do. You know what my partner would do if I came home with a cheque for a skill like that? Give me a cuddle say he's proud of me and then jokingly ask if we can get a chippy that night from it, and then pay for said chippy himself as a congrats to me.

Because a partner is meant to be your team mate, cheerleader, equal!!

That's not a boast, that's what it SHOULD be like! You sound absolutely lovely. If you had a normal not horrible partner and they got that cheque I bet you'd do similar to my other half wouldn't you? Of course, because you're lovely.

You can be with someone like that. Every day you spend with this emotional vampire is a day you aren't with someone you can build a happy healthy life with.

Aren't you going to leave him anyway regardless of this place?!

Oh OP, reading through your posts I just want to cry. Your marriage sounds exactly like mine was. Obviously there are differences but it’s so similar.

I really hope your interview goes well. I went to study at a similar age to you and that was the thing that really changed me, turned me into a person who wouldn’t take it anymore. Please please don’t let him stop you from doing the course if you get a place, you’ll rue it for the rest of your life.

I was in a terrible situation when I left my XH. Unlike you I had a small child, which only made things harder. I had been with XH, like you, from a very young age, 18, so he was all I knew. I was isolated, ground down, my confidence and self esteem was positively subterranean. I was already severely visually impaired but at the same time I was leaving I lost all of my eyesight. I had no job, I lived in a place where housing is very difficult to get if you’re on benefits. It took me 9 months to find a place to live, which was absolute hell. My XH’s bouts of violence went from the occasional push or throwing things to bodily throwing me out of the door and threatening me with a kitchen knife. I thought I’d never get out, but I did, and when I did it was the first time I’d ever been on my own, looking after a small child and I had just gone completely blind. It was really bloody hard and traumatic but I managed it, and now when I think about it I’m a little bit amazed with myself that I did, and I’ve never, ever, regretted leaving for one second. Even on my worst days, and there have been some truly awful days that crushed me completely, not once did I ever wish I hadn’t left. So it is possible, people in much more difficult circumstances can and do do it, so don’t be disheartened.

Put very simply OP, if you stay you know exactly where you’ll be, what you’ll be doing and how you’ll be feeling in 5, 10, 20 years time. If you can leave it’ll be hard. Your life will be difficult, maybe for a few years while you rebuild yourself, but you don’t know where you’ll be, what you’ll be doing or what you’ll be feeling in a few years time, but at least you’ll have some control over it, and one day, like me, you’ll look back and think, wow, I managed it.

So I think your timeline will be
Do interview. Get place
Tell dh who will start on about who will run his business
Leave dh and start course
Start enjoying life and make new friends
Realise that having a dh and dc can wait for a little bit as you are enjoying life. Plus busy!
Finish course and start new career
Meet someone nice and carry on enjoying life prob with addition of dc.

However IF you see a solicitor before your interview (and while you have 'unsupervised money') you will also be able to leave with money to support yourself while you study including housing yourself. You may not feel like you deserve anything but you do - and the law agrees with me.
You have facilitated your dhs business at a cost to your own MH. I would be pretty sure you do the lions share of the housework too.
So you will probably need to sell the house (be careful - people do all kinds of silly buggers around this from refusing to take viewings to selling to mates at well under market value). You are entitled to 50% of the marital assets anyway. That includes businesses, pensions and any investments.

So perhaps gather together all paperwork before you say anything to him.

Fucking hell. Trying to prevent you from going out by demanding sex every single time you want to go out with friends? Deliberately making you late every single time you're meant to meet up with your family? insisting on picking you up from every event and putting a stop to your fun?

FFS. Abusive, controlling wanker. I seriously hope you follow through with leaving him. Awful!

Don't give him any real warning. And at the last minute, transfer half of the savings etc into your own name. Get legal advice. You're going to need it.

When would this course start?

@StupidArgument I do hope you realise that you have the virtual support and good wishes from hundreds, if not thousands of MNers behind you.
Think I can safely say that everyone who’s commented and lurked on this thread wants you to succeed and know your own value.
Good luck with leaving him and the wonderful (albeit sometimes scary) rest of your life

@Whatisthisfuckery that is both heartbreaking and uplifting - glad to hear all is good now.

Oh OP it was bad enough when I commented before, but now, this is no life.

I really hope your parents are local enough to support you practically.

You could separate and move into student accommodation?

Just refuse to work for him anymore, his nasty side will soon be out...

Oh, OP, I haven't read the full thread, but I have read all of your posts. I want to give you a giant hug. Thank goodness you posted this thread, and it's all started to come out. And you're realising what an awful marriage you have.

What a horrible, nasty, mean thing he did with that cheque. What a horrible, nasty, mean man.

He sounds a bit like my ex husband. He would "support" me in my endeavours then constantly undermine me. I got a job and he said oh how fabulous etc. etc.and he did that exact same thing your husband does. "Oh shall we go to >my fave place< on Sunday? Oh no, we can't, you're working, never mind." So I felt so guilty that my job was upsetting our lovely times together.

I left nine years ago and even now struggle to accept that he was not a nice man, that he was controlling and abusive.

All that apologising you did, that was me. Over and over, and he was kind and supportive in return. Because, like someone pointed out, I was sticking to the contract. I'd apologise (for something ridiculous) and he'd be the benevolent forgiver.

Even if you don't get that Primary Teacher place, please please leave this awful man.

Oh and just to say that the final straw after a decade was that I'd try to go to Uni many times. I met him when I was at uni, but I became ill, and he suggested I move in with him (hundreds of miles away). He was a knight in shining armour at that point. Then when my health improved I tried to return to my studies. I was offered a place and he persuaded me that I couldn't do it, so I turned it down, the next time I didn't tell him till it was done and he was furious, then came home from work one day and told me he'd allow me to do it, then undermined me again and I dropped out. The final time was with the Open University, and he undermined that so much that I was at the point where I was told by them I couldn't continue. I knew it was pretty much my last chance so did what they asked, and everything ramped up to the point where I knew either Uni or him had to give.

Oh, it was hard, but I'm really well qualified now, I just kept going and going with study after I left.

You can do it all on your own OP, and you can go to bed whenever you like! xxx

I used to have your life op. I'm almost 5 years separated. Just today I thought how nice it is not to feel weary and enjoy feeling relaxed in the sunshine. My biggest hurdle was my loyalty to my marriage and my husband. It took me years to appreciate that he is a lying and manipulative, evil bully. He chose it. Making me unhappy and sabotaging me was his hobby. You don't have to leave your h. But imagine you do and wake up ready everyday to enjoy life. I hope that you can find the strength to be as loyal to yourself as you are to him.

@combatbarbie the hen do thing confused me so much. Part of me was thinking that it was a nice gesture to have come and picked me up? To make sure I got home safe, he just loves me a lot. But then the other it felt weird, and no one said anything but I could tell the other girls found it weird too.

@TorkTorkBam yes I am definitely feeling the FOG at the minute, I feel wretched at the thought of what I'm going to do. I don't want to live like this anymore but I can't stop thinking how he'll be blindsided and upset and I do love him and don't want to hurt him. It's awful.

Because in his head you were clearly going out to meet men and shag them up an alleyway.... Also reason for sex before you going out, so you wouldn't go near another man. The hen do was control, the sex thing I'd his dillusional mistrust of you.

@backseatcookers your partner sounds lovely. I remember once his sister told me that when she got her GCSE results, he didn't even say congratulations to her. If someone does well, gets a promotion or something like that, he is never really happy for them. He might pretend he is in public but then in private he'll turn it into something negative.

@horehound yes I am, I will just need to make a slightly different plan is all. I can't just pack my bags and go immediately.

@Vodkacranberryplease

So I think your timeline will be Do interview. Get place Tell dh who will start on about who will run his business Leave dh and start course Start enjoying life and make new friends Realise that having a dh and dc can wait for a little bit as you are enjoying life. Plus busy! Finish course and start new career Meet someone nice and carry on enjoying life prob with addition of dc.

Fingers crossed. It sounds like a dream come true.

And please do not waste energy thinking you're hurting him, he knows exactly what he's been doing all these years.

@queenarseclangers oh my gosh, what a lovely thing to say. It's made me tear up a little bit, thank you.

[quote StupidArgument]@combatbarbie the hen do thing confused me so much. Part of me was thinking that it was a nice gesture to have come and picked me up? To make sure I got home safe, he just loves me a lot. But then the other it felt weird, and no one said anything but I could tell the other girls found it weird too.[/quote]
He was worried that someone would lay it bare in front you what he's like ... more likely to happen the more people drink ... his picking you up was damage liability .