AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

@Daftapath

Do you have access to money and the family savings? Can you buy whatever you want without permission to spend?

Yes, he doesn't really care too much about money, I sort all the household bills out. I can spend my wages on most things, he doesn't really mind if I buy clothes or bits for the house or things for my hobbies. He wouldn't let me buy something on credit though, for example, even if I could afford the monthly payments out of my wage. We have a joint savings account which neither of us spends from, we use it to save for holidays or bigger purchases.

Your relationship makes me sad.

I'm not telling you this to upset you or to sound smug; I'm letting you know how a complete outsider feels reading your responses.

You're not happy, are you? Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life?

Oh OP, this is so sad, and with every post it gets a little bit worse. We will all be willing you on at the interview on Monday, it sounds exactly what you need. This really is no way to live.

I can spend my wages on most things, he doesn't really mind if I buy clothes or bits for the house or things for my hobbies

Big of him to allow you clothes and things for the house - /end sarcasm mode.

My DH wouldn't dream of expressing a view on what I spend my wages on, he knows that's a conversation that wouldn't go well. Unless I were spending it on drugs or gambling or something, or getting vastly into debt, it's none of his business.

@BaconsLaw

Your relationship makes me sad.

I'm not telling you this to upset you or to sound smug; I'm letting you know how a complete outsider feels reading your responses.

You're not happy, are you? Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life?

No, I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life.

I've been struggling so much, since December my mental health had been so awful, work was a massive factor with it. I started taking some medication to help just before lockdown, and I don't know if it was the clarity that brought or the time to think in lockdown, or not having to work in a job that I hated... It made me think. I feel like although I would love to have children, I've given up a lot of hope that it would actually happen, and without that on the horizon, 40 years of the groundhog day that is my life seems impossible.

I have a memory book type of thing and I was reading it the other night, and three years ago I was feeling the exact same way as I am now. I can't carry on like this forever, I need to change something.

Even if I don't get that place at Uni, or things don't align the way I need them to to be able to take it, I feel like there is no going back for me now, I need to change my life.

@TokyoSushi

Oh OP, this is so sad, and with every post it gets a little bit worse. We will all be willing you on at the interview on Monday, it sounds exactly what you need. This really is no way to live.

Thank you so much. I'm so nervous about it, I haven't had an interview for about a decade!

OP I've just realised you're the same age as my SIL who has just finished a degree in primary education. She funded it with loans and working as a nanny part time. She's just passed with a first. See if you could get accommodation, take the loans and get out, this is your chance to build a whole new world that doesn't involve him. You deserve more.

Oh OP 😞
I feel so sad, reading your posts.
Good luck with your interview, get away from him and live your life, as YOU want to live it.
He is so very abusive, it is so good to read that you are beginning to recognise this is no life for you.

Sorry to bang on about finances again. So you have your own current account?

I would also start your own savings account. If (when) you do separate, you can transfer half of the savings into your own account then worry about separating finances officially further down the line.

@StupidArgument Sounds like in your own low key way you have this in hand. Youre aware of what a boring existence it is & how it could just drag on. And you want it to change. You said it yourself, youre lonely - & I dont blame you.

He wont like your interview. He wont want you to leave his business. So many women end up doing a boring, isolated admin job they are not suited for because their partner needs someone to do it. Expect the guilt to be piled on thick.

I cant see this lasting. You are at a crossroads where you will probably have to choose. Life, studies, new friends, a new career or the status quo. He wont want to lose his bookkeeper/receptionist/admin person. Not many people want to work in an office all on their own, its boring & lonely. You cant keep doing it though, it will destroy you.

You cant keep doing any of it. In bed every night early, no laughs or friends. Making do with the small bits you can do at home on your own every night. Not at 33.

OP I want to hug you so hard. You seem so lovely and so in need of someone to give you a hug and maybe share a chat and a drink with.
I know I’m just a weirdo on the internet, but I am
So proud of your interview and wish you tons of luck. And yes, trust your gut - don’t tell him.

You poor thing.

I hope you do what you need to make you happy.

Well done for being brave enough to post in the first place.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need a chat.

Oh & dont worry about the interview! They will be thrilled to bits to have someone who has a bit of experience at work and who has demonstrated they are responsible! Compared to the straight out of school/uni brigade you will breeze through!

Just smile, look confident, & tell them how much you really want this - and why. They might ask you why you think you would be good, so have a few specific answers prepared (without using the words 'I have a passion for )

Also ask them questions about the course etc. Show a genuine curiosity & give off an air of you want to know if its a good fit for you too! Not in a 'whats in it for me' way - more a how it all works way. Do they teach this, what do they think makes their course better, who do they normally find does best that kind of thing.

I used to be a pro at getting good jobs (3 big Sunday Times ads in a row jobs, fromwhen it was a thing) & am hiring currently. This is of course not a job - but the approach is the same. And be confident, because you have to be confident to teach children. I wouldnt do it - though the holidays are great!

Have you posted about feeling overwhelmed by working for your husband before?

I really strong suggested you look into the freedom project and counselling to begin to build up your sense of self and boundaries while you consider your options.

I work for DH currently, he has his own business and I work for him doing the office work. So I have always felt like I couldn't leave, I never actually wanted to start working for him in the first place but I felt like I didn't have any choice.

Why didn't you feel as if you had a choice?

Good luck for the interview!

OP your posts make me so sad, mostly because you remind me of me and my relationship with my ex H (note the ex).

He behaved in pretty much the same way yours is currently doing. He would get into these shitty moods and then spoil for a fight, to do this he'd either wind me up or nitpick over the daftest thing. He would change moods at the snap of a finger and take it out on me. Either by deciding not to go somewhere we were going (meeting the venue to go over options for our wedding or to my mum's) or just needling me. Another time, the day after my leg surgery, he refused to shut the blinds (you had to climb the bed to do so) in the spare room so that I could sleep, wouldn't look at me and when I kept asking he told me to fuck off and leave him alone.

It never got any better, if anything it got worse. I have grown up walking on eggshells, he just became a new person to do it around - it was my normal but was not healthy.

He also became abusive, he started with a shove, on another occasion he dragged me out of the flat, another time he punched me and the very last 'big' thing was he practically tried to strangle me. In between all of this was pretty much the daily emotional abuse and a few slaps (on the arms) here and there.

We also had infertility issues. He was shitty to me about that too - all my fault (it was MFI) but he wouldn't have children because I hadn't lost weight (it was negligible - but NHS had the BMI criteria), all because I said I wanted cake. Didn't eat the cake (there was none in the house), it was on the tv and I said something innocuous like yum, I'd like cake).

It was shitty, but I knew it wouldn't get better. I don't mean to be harsh but your husband does not see you as his partner, his equal. To him, you are lesser than and only there to serve him. Fuck that.

You deserve so much more and to have a life where you can choose your bedtime ffs! I was your age when I finally told him I wanted a divorce, we went to couples counselling (big mistake) and had therapy on my own too. It took a while but omg it is so worth it! I moved abroad and at the ripe old age of 37, for the first time in my life, I am not walking on eggshells.

It may be hard, but the freedom to do what you want, when you want e.g. go to bed when you want etc is worth it. You can do it.

Happy to chat if you want to PM me

Well done on getting the interview - that's fantastic. I absolutely agree that you shouldn't tell him about it, and agree with other posters that he won't be happy about it. If you get on the course and stay with him you will have two very different aspects to your life: at home, he will hate your new-found freedom, friends and success. He'll make it difficult for you to work, share success or, god forbid, socialise with fellow trainees. At uni and on placement you'll be discovering new confidence, skills and talents, make a load of new friends and love every second of it. Teacher training an amazing, life-changing experience but it is hard, and all encompassing. You'll be getting home from uni/school and need to work. How is he going to react to that, when you can't shuffle off to bed with him and you prioritise work instead? Something that is completely separate from him, and he has no control over? You will also need to talk and let off steam with other trainees, you will become part of a support network where you can rant/share with people in the same boat. It's really important that you can be part of that. Your dh is going to be beside himself. There will suddenly be huge parts of your life that you love and will want to enthuse over but he won't be part of it. He will resent it. Please don't let him stop you. You need this fresh start, something to throw yourself into.

Myself and a friend I met at uni were both in controlling, abusive relationships but neither of us really knew it at the time. My ex was subtle at first. He suddenly found reasons for us to do things together whenever I had a deadline looming. He masked it as us having a great time together but in reality he was draining all my time so my essays were rushed, late, completed at 2 in the morning after a load of booze. He used to find excuses to be out in town when I was out, and just happen to turn up in the same bar. He would insist on picking me up after nights out. I realised it was jealousy and control when he made a habit of wanting sex just before I went for a night out, when I was already 'ready' and didn't have time to get showered after (I have never admitted that before, it makes me feel dirty), and accuse me of all sorts if I tried to say no. He was gutted when I learnt to drive and actually said "you've got freedom now", and my car keys would go missing, or he'd find reasons to take my car for the day leaving me carless. My friend had a worse time of it than me, but she's still with him, sadly. I stayed with him for ten bloody years - from 23-33 because I was desperate for children. After suffering recurrent miscarriages I realised I couldn't compromise myself and my happiness - or my career - any longer for the sake of sperm on tap (sorry for the phrasing, that's all he was to me at the end of the relationship because I'd started to hate him!). So I ditched him and threw myself into teaching, and have felt free ever since. It took a few attempts to leave him - he went through the usual cycle of trying to guilt trip me, suicide threats and attempts, anger and threatening behaviour.

I'm telling you this because you are not alone. Once you start talking to people about it you will be surprised how many people will understand and share stories of themselves or people close to them who have been through it. You deserve so much better and are so young. Focus on yourself and rebuilding your life. Go to uni, make new friends and leave that miserable bastard to his weird, rigid life.

Congratulations on the interview I agree with all the others don't tell him, just go and give it your best, you sound articulate and nice and I'm sure they will take you.
If they do, this is your chance to get student accommodation, student loans etc There will be student counsellors and advice and career advice. I would even take out a PO BOX or new email to received the communications privately and ask for them not to be delivered by post.
Please do ring women's Aid or similar as people have suggested so you have someone to talk to in real life to just unload or help with practicalities.
And I think he's worse than bloody Brian!!

I hope your interview goes well.

It is very sad to read what you have tolerated for years thinking it was normal and ok. It certainly isn't and you are worth so so so much more than your H who controls you and makes your world so small and miserable.

Oh he's done such a number on you, hasn't he? He has made sure that there is no one you can turn to, no one whose conversation about their lovely dh you could overhear to make you question your own experience.

Good luck with your interview. I think it's really important to have more social contacts, it'll bring you a bit of perspective on your life. Look for another job or find a hobby which takes you out of the house once a week (at least) and which surrounds you with people. You could do a creative writing class, for instance, there are loads of options.

@Toriathebadger Thank you for your reply, so much of it resonated with me. I'm sorry you had to go through it all. DH insists on picking me up on the (rare) occasions I do go out on an evening. At first I thought it was nice but then on my sisters hen do, we'd all got a coach to a nearby city for a night out, and everyone was getting the coach back but he insisted on picking me up from the city and not where the coach was going back to, which always felt weird.

He has also done, or tried to do, the wanting sex before I go out, or trying to get me to stay behind to have sex, or to make me late. In fact, if it's an occasion for my side (friends or family) he always does something to make us late. Yet if it's for his side of the family, he's the first one there, and having a go at his sister who is usually always late.

Can I ask, have you since had children or gotten remarried, or are you happy being single?

Find a big open window and shove him out.

This. He sounds just like Brian, and very controlling

I have just read the thread, firstly many congratulations on the interview, that is a great achievement. Next, although everyone's relationship is different, your's is most definitely controlling but I guess you are learning that from the responses on the thread.

I think you know that this way of living is not sustainable for the rest of your life and, in truth you are already starting to disengage and strike out for yourself. Frankly it is up to you both to change your behaviour, he has to realise that he is your partner and not your father and you have to be brave enough to be you. It is no bad thing to compromise occasionally but not to subjugate yourself to someone else.

Good luck with the interview, as a Chair of Govs, I always think that staff who have had another job outside of school make great teachers... our DH used to run a string of bookies, brilliant with our stats and a UN standard handler of difficult parents!

That being said I actually have an interview on Monday for a place at Uni to study Primary Teaching. I've always really wanted to be a teacher but it's happened kind of quickly. DH doesn't know, I'm not going to say anything until I know if I've gotten a place, and once I've got everything in order.

Will he let you take the job if it is offered to you?

Your husband is bloody rude and disrespectful to you. You made a joke and he turned it into an argument? Couldn't tolerate that sorry, life too short.