AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

I don't toe the line at all

Yes you do = but then as we were going to bed

OP none of this is normal or ok. There shouldn’t be any incidents like this. You have become used to the controlling and abusive behaviour.

What happens when you need him? Does he actually love and support you, because I suspect I know the answer.

Please I beg of you. You are worth more than this.

May I make another book suggestion?
Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?: Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men (Stylecity) amazon.co.uk/dp/0425265102/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_BlopFbK73KWJJ]]

I do now understand what you were so upset about in the first instance OP.

Your marriage operates under a 'contract', which is that you are subservient, obedient and respectful, while he is selfish but not irrational or unkind.

In this instance he was irrational and unkind, so you broke the 'subservient and respectful' barrier. You were then upset that he didn't acknowledge his breach of contract, as you feel that that is what led you to commit yours.

What didn't seem to occur to you, is that most people do not operate their marriages and partnerships under such a one-sided contract. Most are equally loving, supportive and respectful.

Therefore what to you are 'only three big instances of punishment for breaching your side of the contract' does not compute for us. Because for us, for most people, the concept of obedience and punishment within a marriage is absurd and antithetical to our concept of marriage and partnership based upon mutual love, respect and equality.

You sound very isolated OP. As though you don't spend time with many other people and don't know how other people live, outside a few examples (some historic) within your own families. You need friends, colleagues and acquaintances. Other people you spend time with and chat to. A few of whom you can really talk to - and who would, if you socialised as a couple, pull your DH up on his oddness. They'd be the ones teasing him, kindly, for his fuddy duddy ways.

I take it you don't socialise as a couple, except with family. That you don't have (are not allowed) your own friends. That you don't (are not allowed to) socialise with work colleagues. Do you have work colleagues?

OP, I really feel for you and I'm sure this thread is stressing you out - all these people telling you your husband isn't just being a bit of a dick in this one instance but is probably an abusive dick overall.

Do you have contact with family and friends? If not, why not? And if you do, do you think you could start talking to them about some of this. I doubt it will come as a complete surprise to them and perhaps they can help you?

Agree with @lottiegarbanzo that you've fallen into a pattern that actually isn't healthy but it's only when you break the pattern that you start to see that.

The three incidents are absolutely not okay. DH has a temper and none of those things have ever happened in our relationship. He doesn't steal my stuff, shove me when I disagree with him etc.

Once I didn't and he stormed off out of the house without his phone and drove around for an hour. Another time he shoved me. And another time he hid my car keys and left until I rang him in tears and said if he didn't tell me where they were I wasn't going to be there when he got back.

This thread just gets more and more heartbreaking with every gradual disclosure by the OP.

@StupidArgument, read your last post again and imagine it was your best friend writing it. What would you advise her?

@endofthetether I'd put money on her best friend having long being separated from her. But yes, it is devastating and heartbreaking to read.

So he's nice to you if you do as you are told and you tip toe around him to make sure you don't upset him.
Pure controlling behaviour. He doesn't need to get funny with you normally does he? That's why he's nice.

Likes things his own way, never admits fault, and never apologises..
He is seriously up himself, and his conduct tonight including the coarse language was truly horrible. This is how controlling people behave

And the tv between 9.30 and 10 when he goes to sleep and you can get up again, I bet that is his choice of programme too isn't it?

Op ive just read the whole thread and it gets worse with every update. He Didnt like that you stood up to him cos he wants to keep you in your place and be a good little wife who does what she's told. What's so sad is you are so used to this that you cant see its abusive. Im glad that this thread is opening your eyes. You need to get out. Don't waste any more of your life on this arsehole. People can and do have babies later on in life, Don't write yourself off and that you have to just put up with this forever.you deserve so much more x

@lottiegarbanzo

I do now understand what you were so upset about in the first instance OP.

Your marriage operates under a 'contract', which is that you are subservient, obedient and respectful, while he is selfish but not irrational or unkind.

In this instance he was irrational and unkind, so you broke the 'subservient and respectful' barrier. You were then upset that he didn't acknowledge his breach of contract, as you feel that that is what led you to commit yours.

What didn't seem to occur to you, is that most people do not operate their marriages and partnerships under such a one-sided contract. Most are equally loving, supportive and respectful.

Therefore what to you are 'only three big instances of punishment for breaching your side of the contract' does not compute for us. Because for us, for most people, the concept of obedience and punishment within a marriage is absurd and antithetical to our concept of marriage and partnership based upon mutual love, respect and equality.

You sound very isolated OP. As though you don't spend time with many other people and don't know how other people live, outside a few examples (some historic) within your own families. You need friends, colleagues and acquaintances. Other people you spend time with and chat to. A few of whom you can really talk to - and who would, if you socialised as a couple, pull your DH up on his oddness. They'd be the ones teasing him, kindly, for his fuddy duddy ways.

I take it you don't socialise as a couple, except with family. That you don't have (are not allowed) your own friends. That you don't (are not allowed to) socialise with work colleagues. Do you have work colleagues?

That's a really interesting way of putting it, with the contracts example. That is how we function, and I agree that it isn't right.

I am very isolated. I work in an office completely alone, so no work colleagues. I have my family but we're not mega close and don't spend that much time with them as DH doesn't like my siblings partners that much. I do have some friends, but not particularly close ones. More just meet in the daytime for a coffee and a chat type of ones. I am very lonely.

Did you realise that your way of marriage was so different from other people's? You must gain some insight form watching television. But does he censor your access and choice of programme?

You need some hobbies that involve mixing with other people. Not so easy at the moment but you'd be able to find things that will start up again soon. Craft clubs, a choir, book group etc will be mostly women and older people, so can't seem too threatening to Mr jealous and fragile. They will provide a sociable activity and some opprtunity to chat though. A sporting activity would be good.

Any chance of a change of jobs, to something more sociable?

I am very isolated. I work in an office completely alone, so no work colleagues. I have my family but we're not mega close and don't spend that much time with them as DH doesn't like my siblings partners that much. I do have some friends, but not particularly close ones. More just meet in the daytime for a coffee and a chat type of ones. I am very lonely.

I suggest you start to reconnect with your family, siblings and friends .

Part of coercive control is to isolate you from family, friends usually by convincing you of their faults .

I think if you mentioned some of the things that have happened to you to friends and family they would be fully supportive of you and probably even tell you they know he is controlling .

Try it , start to reach out .

I have my family but we're not mega close and don't spend that much time with them as DH doesn't like my siblings partners that much. I do have some friends, but not particularly close ones. More just meet in the daytime for a coffee and a chat type of ones. I am very lonely.

OP, I'm afraid I knew this would be the case. He has separated you from your family by claiming not to like your siblings' partners. I suspect the reason you have friends for only the odd day time coffee is because he has previously made it hard for you to go out in the evenings etc. Think back - when you were younger, did he complain about not spending time with him if you went out? Or that he was worried about you being out alone at night? Or that your friends were bad influences/not nice people? I bet he did. So eventually it just got easier to abandon those friendships and stick to ones that were casual and not very deep.

@lottiegarbanzo

He doesn't censor what we watch, but it's never really occured to me that my marriage might be different to other peoples. I've only ever seen people who I think's marriage is worse than mine, and thought "well, although DH does X which I don't like, at least he's not as bad as that"

I work for DH currently, he has his own business and I work for him doing the office work. So I have always felt like I couldn't leave, I never actually wanted to start working for him in the first place but I felt like I didn't have any choice.

That being said I actually have an interview on Monday for a place at Uni to study Primary Teaching. I've always really wanted to be a teacher but it's happened kind of quickly. DH doesn't know, I'm not going to say anything until I know if I've gotten a place, and once I've got everything in order. Is that really wrong of me?

Is that really wrong of me?

In this instance, no. But it is yet another sign of how your relationship is not in a good place because if I got an interview to do something I'd always wanted to do, the very first person I'd be sharing it with would be DH because he would be so happy for me.

He just sounds so textbook. Isolating you from your family - I bet he doesn't forbid you from going, but is always grumpy and in a bad mood afterwards, so it's easier not to. You work for him because you didn't have a choice.

You absolutely must not tell him about the new job. He will find a way to make sure you can't go to that interview.

@KatharinaRosalie I bet he doesn't forbid you from going, but is always grumpy and in a bad mood afterwards, so it's easier not to.

This, 100%. He'll moan about going, he'll be okay when we're there but he'll want to leave early, and then he'll rant all about whatever someone said or did or didn't do all the way home and for the rest of the day/into the next. I say no to things sometimes because it's just not worth the aggro.

I'm also guessing he doesn't like any suggestion you might go by yourself!? [because then he can't control the narrative or ensure you don't say anything he doesn't like]

The interview - that is brilliant! Well done.

Of course don't tell him. He'll stop you from going or taking up the place. (He'll tell you you're not up to it, that it's a crap job anyway, that you're leaving him in the lurch etc.). Get as far as you can without telling him anything.

Oh he will say it's fine if OP goes by herself. But then again will be grumpy and moody when she gets back. Right?

I wouldn’t say anything either as he’ll see his world changing and won’t like it. He will go out of his way to upset you so you don’t perform well in the interview. He has probably done this before.

@KatharinaRosalie

Oh he will say it's fine if OP goes by herself. But then again will be grumpy and moody when she gets back. Right?

Yep, you're right again.

He'll also try and entice me to stay home, he'll say things like "shall we have a takeaway and watch tonight - oh wait no we can't, you're going out" as if he's forgotten but I know he hasn't, or he'll guilt trip me.

Do you have access to money and the family savings? Can you buy whatever you want without permission to spend?

I get into bed with him for half an hour or so and then get back up and potter about in the spare room/my craft room or Mumsnet or read until I want to go to sleep.

Yeah, that's weird.

[quote StupidArgument]@lottiegarbanzo

He doesn't censor what we watch, but it's never really occured to me that my marriage might be different to other peoples. I've only ever seen people who I think's marriage is worse than mine, and thought "well, although DH does X which I don't like, at least he's not as bad as that"

I work for DH currently, he has his own business and I work for him doing the office work. So I have always felt like I couldn't leave, I never actually wanted to start working for him in the first place but I felt like I didn't have any choice.

That being said I actually have an interview on Monday for a place at Uni to study Primary Teaching. I've always really wanted to be a teacher but it's happened kind of quickly. DH doesn't know, I'm not going to say anything until I know if I've gotten a place, and once I've got everything in order. Is that really wrong of me?[/quote]
Okay , this is much worse than you realise . He has you working for him alone and isolated !

I really do fear for you.
You really need to get in touch with women's aid ... that will help you leave safely .

Go to the interview , this is something for you ... you know deep down your relationship is wrong and keeping the interview from him is evidence of that .

DO NOT TELL HIM about the interview ... this is something of your own that you have control over . You tell him about this and I can guarantee you will be coerced into dropping it .