AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

@StupidArgument What would he say if you said "Ok you go up, I'll be up in a bit" ?

Men who act like this, often do it as they're worried you're going to somehow 'cheat' on them (online?) whilst they're asleep. Is he possessive???

Your life is shit though OP. You have literally no joy or fun or variety. Isn't that enough for you? Do you think other people live like this? What if you can't have children and it's not just his old man sperm the way it is now?

Is this living death going to be it??? Seriously??!

'Only' 3 incidents like that? 'Only'???

Those 3 incidents were bad enough by themselves. and they only happened because you tried to stand up for yourself. You're not challenging him on anything ever because deep down you know it would be a lot more than 3 times if you did.

Please get some counselling and get out.

Imo the fastest way out of this mess is to accept all the blame and tell him you accept he can't possibly live with such a woman.
Men like him can never be in the wrong...

Only three big things?

Firstly, any one of those is a deal breaker, a red line. He has eroded your boundaries so you don’t see how unacceptable it is.

Secondly, as pp have said, it’s “only” three because he has trained you not to push back against his foul behaviour.

Thirdly, I’d bet my house there are innumerable “small” things that would make most people’s lives unbearable, had they not been conditioned to put up with them the way you have.

Hes abusive OP. I'm worried for you that he has already been physical with you when angry. If you do decide to leave then please do pack a bag and have it ready to go with your local womens aid or a trusted friend. Men like this escalate enormously once theyve twigged that you are seeing them for what they are so you need to be prepared for that.
The freedom program will tell you everything you need to know about him.
You are the age I was when I escaped a very similar man to your DH, new flat,new phone, new job and I'm finally free and so much happier.
You can do it OP

OP I've been married for 34 years. My marriage is far from perfect but my DH has never told me to fuck off, never shoved me or hidden my keys, never insisted I go to bed at the same time as him, never refused to accept an apology. All of those actions indicate a complete lack of respect for you as a person and you should not stand for it. Just because you have been with him for a long time, that's no reason to waste the rest of your life! Read up on the sunk costs fallacy in relationships. Fear is the biggest barrier to making changes in life, but honestly your life sounds so dull surely you can't accept living like this. I thought you were in your 50's at least with your first few posts, but you're so young!

@StupidArgument, I fully encourage what you said about carrying on as normal and buying yourself some time to figure out what you want to do. I did the same thing in the months leading up to separating from my stbxh and I think it served me well. I wanted to be fully prepared in terms of getting free legal advice, reading resources at my country's equivalent of Women's Aid, researching what I would do if things turned ugly when I said I was leaving etc. except in my case I had 3 kids to consider as well. My marriage was 20 years, so I know it's not so simple as blithely saying "I'd LTB" and, once you see the kind of person you are really dealing with it takes some time to come to terms with it. So I just bided my time, avoided rocking the boat, and made my plans. I also found a counsellor who was familiar with abusive relationships. She was invaluable in supporting me through the entire realisation I was in a power imbalanced relationship/making plans to leave/the aftermath and I still see her.

Also a bit weirded out by the bedtime. This is a form of control and needs knocking on the head ASAP.

@Alwaysinpain, good point. I never considered that as an explanation for my stbxh's weird insistence at going to bed at the same time. He always wanted to pick me up from evenings out as well, controlling bastard. Although in my case I'm sure that was partly motivated by making sure I hurried home to resume my rightful place as Chief Childcare Provider.

OP you are young, you have plenty of time to start again with someone else who genuinely cares for you. Don’t waste yourself on this man.

Do you have friends? Is there anyone IRL you can talk to?

@StupidArgument

Looking at them together it sounds awful but then part of me thinks, well, we have been together a long time so with only three big incidents like this, it's not that bad in the grand scheme of things.

I’ve been with DH for 20 years and we’ve never had a single “big incident”. Abuse is never ok. “Only three” you say .... only three too many. And these are the “big incidents” you recall - add on the thousands more small incidents.

It’s not normal. It’s not ok.

It is really bad sorry. I've been with DH for 9 years so far less time than you and we have no incidents like that.

We go to bed at the same time because we are like minded, not because one of us says so and the other one has to comply.

Just imagine being with someone who treated you as an equal - or even being on your own and making decisions for yourself. It would be amazing.

@stupidargument I had a few of these sorts of 'incidents' with my exH. We were also together from 18 years old until 33, when I decided I'd had enough.
If anything like that ever happened with my current loving partner, that would be it. As someone said earlier, you let it carry on because you don't know any different - he's your first major relationship and you've normalised it - but it's not good. Is this really what you want your 'forever' to be like? After 15 years, it won't get better.

Anybody else now feeling sorry for the real Brian?

Its possible too that your problems concieving is your bodies way of telling you "No, not with this one" It would make sense. Animals often wont & cant breed when stressed & of course you arent an animal (well, we all are, kind of) & we all know of the exceptions - but equally the number of people who conceive on holiday, or after they have had a child via IVF means that this does apply to humans too.

So you could be losing out on what you most want by staying.

Reading your posts makes it seem as though you think your life is already over, that it's set in stone with no possible way to change it. It's heartbreaking, really, because it's the furthest thing from the truth. I'm 15 years older and you are, and I don't think you appreciate how young you actually are. You have an entire lifetime ahead of you.

@StupidArgument

I am a potential you years from now.

I've read all of your posts with a sick feeling in my stomach. This was me but we have DC.

I'm in my 50s and left my abusive ex over 3 years ago. I, too, met him when I was 18. I was naïve.

The DC and I have had depression and anxiety, which, while it's getting better as we're not with ex, shouldn't have happened to start with, I should have given him a wide swerve when I met him.

I, too, had to go to bed when he wanted. If I dared to stay up after he went up, he'd be calling me up. I was smothered in the relationship in other ways, too. He had no friends, I was expected to be his entertainment and missed out on stuff because of his need to be put first

Please, don't be me. You have no children yet, leave and don't look back. You want children, but think about going it alone if you have to. Please don't inflict this man onto any children.

As others said, you 'only' had a few incidents because you bend over backwards to do whatever he wants. Try to do what you want - I mean, what you would want if you were not worried about his reaction. See what happens.

If my wife compared me to Michael Gove I think she’d find the locks changed permanently when she next came home...

“...make sure kitchen is tidy...” If you don’t mind me asking, is it you who can’t go to bed unless the kitchen is tidy, or hubby?

I'm sorry OP but you are most definitely in an abusive relationship. The control, the shoving, the hiding your car keys. The only reason he's not doing it more regularly is because you know the score and you don't challenge him.

This man child needs to be in a relationship with someone who is completely obedient.

If you choose to fulfil that role for him, it will exact a cost from you psychologically. It will grind you down. You deserve so much better than this. Leaving your long time partner isn't easy. I think a good first step would be counselling, but I worry that if you become more assertive as a result, he will exert more control and violence and it will escalate from there.

Looking at them together it sounds awful but then part of me thinks, well, we have been together a long time so with only three big incidents like this, it's not that bad in the grand scheme of things. I feel like I've just remembered them now.

Look into the 'sunk cost fallacy'.

Also, three big incidents? It only takes one to frighten many women into compliance. You are compliant because you are frightened of seeing the effect of non-compliance. This is coercive control.
People asking what he's like or to just challenge him... I've never really pushed him. I always just do what I'm told, basically.

Set yourself a deadline of 4 months to make a plan to leave and execute it. Leave before Christmas. Don't go through the misery of Christmas and New Years with him.

You can start by calling Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247.
You will need to leave a message telling them a good number and time to call you back.
Work on an exit plan with WA.

DO NOT have a baby with this man. Get some form of contraception for yourself.

Good luck OP, you sound lovely, you can do this