AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

Like two equal adult parnters who like and respect each other?

You're assuming OP's partner likes and respects her. Doesn't really seem to be the case here.

I'm sorry OP, but he sounds awful. He's actually trying to punish you - he's requiring an act of penance for your temerity of making a pretty mild joke at his expense.

How would he react if you decided not to follow his unwritten rules (you must go to bed at the same time as him, he decides when bedtime is), and just started to do what you wanted, when you wanted to? I'm guessing he'd get a big sulk on?

He's a toddler having tantrums when he doesn't get his way. Right down to the name calling (I don't mean Brian/Doreen... but calling you a bitch and telling you to fuck off).

The more you stand your ground the worse he behaves because he is so used to being in control.

He is very like your Mum which is why you ended up with him...

I would grab happiness with someone else!

@StupidArgument it sounds as if you DH and BIL are very similar only your BIL doesn't bother to hide it from others. I think you'll find now you've seen these traits in your DH you'll realise how manipulative and harmful his behaviour is. Keep a clear head as I doubt he'll continue to pretend any more and will start ramping up the abusive behaviour. I think you know you need to leave, but it really sounds as though you've had a lifetime of abuse and don't know how to look after yourself by yourself. There are lots of places that can help you, and it doesn't make you weak asking for help it shows enough is enough. Keep strong and I wish you well x

The BIL is not her H's brother. OP says her H 'has a BIL'. So yes, there could well be a family pattern - his sister seeking someone who reminds her of home - but it's not as straightforward as the H and Brian having grown up together.

OP, I know this must be really hard to read, especially so many people leaping straight to 'what an abuser' when you think he's just had a bit of an off day.

From your point of view, perhaps it makes sense to think about it step by step, from the inside out e.g. 'why can't we just have a normal conversation? What's stopping us from doing that?'

The reason people are jumping to 'he's abusive' is because they've seen it all before. They can see the start point, the end point and the steps in between, so are able to draw a fairly accurate straight line, without needing to join every dot.

Oh wow this has gotten worse since I last posted. He is actually very controlling and abusive. It all sounds quite scary tbh.

What did he want you to do? I'd have had to ask, what did he want by way of apology, in normal circumstances a sorry is more than enough.

I think you are a little clouded in your thinking, he's actually brain washed you. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I do hope that you come to the realisation that there is a MUCH better life out there without him and that the way he speaks and treats you is not right or normal.

I know you have said that you're having fertility issues and I'm not sure if it's treatable or not. But if you did bring a child into this toxic relationship you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of having him in your life, imagine a child experiencing the bile that comes from his mouth, witnessing how he treats you and ending up with their own issues later on. He will not teach a child what a loving relationship is like, instead you and the child will be living in fear of doing the wrong thing. Imagine a crying baby, a baby who wakes during the night, a baby who needs feeding and changing, is he going to jump up and help out? I doubt it. I bet he'll be angry having been woken after his 8.30pm bed time. He'll take his frustrations out on you and the baby. Please, if you do think there's any possibility of having a child, don't have one with him. Your 33, you're still so young.

How are you op? This must be a lot to take for you.

Do look into the gaslighting link a pp posted, see if you recognise these traits in your husband.

When you have a child they are the most precious thing to you. If you do end up having a child with this man, this is who you are choosing to give them as a father. If you don’t like the way he behaves then you are also saddling your child with this too.

But then part way through the conversation, he said "so have you decided what you're going to do to make it up to me yet?"

I actually felt queasy when I read this - it feels so sinister. He obviously wants all your head space dedicated to thinking up ways to make it up - what on earth does he want you to do? Sexual favours? Cooking his favourite meal? Buying him a present? Whatever you choose it won't be good enough and you will just have to keep on trying harder. Oh it's just horrible.

And not a peep about him being sorry for what he called you - I have never felt so angry when reading about peoples relationship problems. I know it's irrational, but not even when reading about violence have I felt quite like this. It is so nasty, vindictive and deliberate - who the fuck does he think he is?

Your eyes have started to open to what he's really like.

Don't close them again.

He's clearly got into a habit of having power over OP - they've both accepted this as a norm - and he's playing with it. A lot of people would, in truth, given a captive people-pleaser, who's locus for her self-esteem is external (it lies with him).

The question is, how does he react when challenged. Is he shocked but then accepting that they could do things differently? Is he overtly angry? Is he manipulative and devious, seeking to make it harder and harder for OP to challenge him?

Until OP does challenge him, neither she nor anyone else knows exactly what she's dealing with here.

That's definitely a thread for 'relationships' though.

You've been with him for 15 years - this is how he gets away with it.

Instead of him being the crap first boyfriend that you dump and move on from, he's become your husband and you don't know any different.

Effectively you are stuck with the shitty first boyfriend who doesn't know how to behave in a relationship, and you are putting up with his crap because your ideas of what to do were formed very young and partly by your dominating mother.

Only now you are 33, grown up and thinking WTF?

You are not too old to start again. Do you really want to spend another 40 years living like this?

@Sceptre86

Is bil Brian your dh's brother? It sounds like your dh has a lot of 'quirks' too. We go up to bed whenever we feel like and it is not a personal insult to the other if one of us falls asleep before the other.

With regards to locking up, I always shut the downstairs windows before bed. Either of us may keep our bedroom window slightly ajar because it has been so warm. Dh or I will lock the front door. My dh used to leave it in the lock but I pointed out that wasn't exactly safe so we keep it elsewhere. This argument sounds perfectly normal and that you were both just tired and irritated with each other. You have apologised enough, he needs to get out of his bad mood. He clearly recognises Brian's oddities, just doesn't like his own being pointed out.

I

Way to spectacularly miss the point.

The thread has moved on...

"You called me Doreen. You called me a bitch. You told me to fuck off."

Repeat each time he brings it up. Just keep repeating.

Would you really want to inflict this man on any hypothetical children you did have? Because he sounds awful and potentially really toxic for you and them. You're only 33 - seriously, there are better options out there!

@Thehop wouldn't hear of it ?? I'm sorry is it 1950?

@StupidArgument please don't apologise to him again. The more you say the more of a twat he sounds. I'd be considering my future honestly.

OP I think you are both very young & very old. Not 33 at all.

Young because you havent lived. You are breathtakingly naive, almost like a child. Hes like your (very unpleasant) father.

And very old because you are shuffling off to bed at 8.30 & I have not once seen the words 'drink' or 'party' mentioned. You are living like an 80 year old.

I dont say this to criticise you - you are a product of your upbringing. But you need to expand your world drastically. Move towns, make friends your own age, start a (non old people) hobby or even better a sport. Start to find yourself. Take a trip on a singles holiday (maybe one of the adventure ones where people are younger though I should think on any of them youll be the 'oldest' in the group). See some of the world, do things youve never done, try new food.

Most people get at least 22 days leave. You have no children & if you were to split you would be entitled to 50% of the marital property. You could buy a flat somewhere a bit busier & start to explore what YOU want.

Until you do that you will just end up with controlling men. Even good men can be pricks if you dont set boundaries & you have no clue how to do that. If you apologise constantly & grovel they will all take this piss. Theres something in that extreme subservience that brings out the worst in preople, especially men. They actually begin to resent & dislike you for being a doormat. It makes them deeply uncomfortable & makes their behavioure worse.

Until you get some self esteem on your own you are going to be stuck doing this. You are going to have to grow up, put on your big girl pants & go out into the world. Then you might have a chance.

Honestly OP? id be looking at some counselling for yourself and an escape route. Its not normal to demand multiple apologies and tell you previous ones aren't good enough.

I wouldnt be surprised if the reason you said he is normally fine and kind is because you normally toe the line.

@RealLifeHotWaterBottle

Honestly OP? id be looking at some counselling for yourself and an escape route. Its not normal to demand multiple apologies and tell you previous ones aren't good enough.

I wouldnt be surprised if the reason you said he is normally fine and kind is because you normally toe the line.

I totally agree with your last sentence, I don't toe the line at all. People asking what he's like or to just challenge him... I've never really pushed him. I always just do what I'm told, basically. It gets to a point where he tells me to fuck off and I do. I can think of probably 5 or 6 times when he's said that to me in arguments, and I just shut up. Once I didn't and he stormed off out of the house without his phone and drove around for an hour. Another time he shoved me. And another time he hid my car keys and left until I rang him in tears and said if he didn't tell me where they were I wasn't going to be there when he got back.

Looking at them together it sounds awful but then part of me thinks, well, we have been together a long time so with only three big incidents like this, it's not that bad in the grand scheme of things. I feel like I've just remembered them now.

It's all really bad...

But how many more big incidents would there be if you didnt do exactly what he says ALL THE TIME. Down to going to bed and getting up when he wants.

OP Im afraid it is that bad. It is no way to live and certainly no environment for a child

Forgetting is your brain's way of protecting you from trauma. Once you have gotten away from him a therapist can help you figure that all out.

But first you have to get away. Will you?

Oh good god. He shoved you. He took your car keys to 'trap' you and 'teach you a lesson'. He knows you won't leave and that he can do whatever he wants. You'll always end up getting upset and begging forgiveness / coming to heel.

You need help, from real life people. You need to find out who you are and what you want. Then how to go about getting that.

You life will be easier and happier without your bully of a husband. But you need to get to a point where you can decide that for yourself.

My heart is sore for you, each update makes your life seem smaller and sadder than before. Please don't put up with his bullying and demeaning behaviour any longer. It won't get better but you have a choice, even if it doesn't feel that way now.