AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

Would it help if you mentally committed to getting a sperm donor if you don't meet someone by say 36. I do understand what you say about having kids and your fertility issues but it's better to have a sperm donor than a man who mistreats and bullies you and will likely do the same with a child.

Imagine the worst case, you never conceive with him and at 45 you are still stuck in this life with no baby and the menopause looming. I'm so sorry to sound harsh but wouldn't you at least want to be with a man who you were madly in love with and who was madly in love with you?

OK, OP, I see what you're saying about acting normally for you. Continue to act how you normally would. Contact some of the organisation's suggested here and have a look at the relationships board - there is more information there. Start to make an exit strategy but do not let him know that's what you're doing.

When you're ready, leave and do not look back. Do not get sucked back in by him apologising and acting the good guy. Re-read this thread if you need to to remind yourself of what he is truly like - and however much he tries to convince you he's changed, it is not worth the risk. Leave and do not look back before his tactics become physical and dangerous.

You are allowed to feel joy in life. You are allowed a partner who truly loves you and respects you. If that isn't available, you are allowed to be happy and single. You do deserve this, even if you feel like you don't.

Sorry, rogue apostrophe in organisations. Too early!

If you stayed in the 'spare' room last night, make that your permanent bedroom, and sart going to bed whenever you want.
going to bed at 8.30 seems more appropriate for a six year old.

Last night he was acting okay with me, but then as we were going to bed he told me that I'd been grumpy with him for two days. I hadn't! On Sunday we had a nice day together for most of the day. He does this all the time, when we ever have arguments it's always my fault.

You are starting to see him as he is.

Maybe try taking a little stand on something.

How often do you meet up with friends?

He controls you.
Put up with it or get out, it’s easy.

OP this is no way to live, but you know that deep down. Take some time and make a plan and know you don’t have to live like this

I think you're being controlled and you won't know how much until you get out. Do not go to bed at the same time as him, start resisting the subtle and small ways in which he controls you.

If you listen to yourself, it’s ALL about managing him. So much of your time and mental space caught up with how can I grovel enough. You can’t have children with him, your life would be miserable but imagine those poor children’s lives. In trouble for waking at night, in trouble for getting up early in trouble for sleeping in, in trouble for not finishing their dinner, in trouble for finishing their dinner, in trouble for wanting to tell their dad something about their day and in trouble for wanting some attention from their mum, in trouble for being sad, in trouble for waking up scared, in trouble for everything and always always trying to work out how to make it up enough to their father that he Ioves them a teeny weeny little bit, which he doesn’t.

I also think that it is a big red flag that he never apologises for everything and makes everything your fault. The power dynamic in this relationship is unequal and that is a problem because it puts you on the back foot.

You sound really nice, sadly he doesn't. I really think you need to look at how he manages your life. It's all about him and his wants, life is too short for that

"so have you decided what you're going to do to make it up to me yet?"

Very bad sign OP. So many red flags flying right now.

Honestly OP, I know you are desperate to have a baby but you are setting your children up to be abused if you have a baby with this man.

Can you make plans to leave him but carry on with your fertility treatment? Then when the time comes investigate a sperm donor. Being a lone parent from the start will be 1000x easier than trying to be a parent while battling an abusive partner and trying to shield your children from him.

he told me that I'd been grumpy with him for two days

You should be! He hasn't apologised for calling you a bitch and telling you to fuck off, has he.

Your posts are so painful to read. You sound like such a sweet person, but so anxious to make right what really isn’t your wrong. You aren’t responsible for his state of mind and he has made you that. He’s really not a nice person. No one should be manipulating your kind nature like this. You are worth massively more than this. He’s weird, damaged and quite nasty. You are sweet and kind but also very dependent and passive - it’s not really serving you well.

You’re not in a good relationship - I honestly think leaving him and having counselling - alone, for gods sake don’t couple counsel with this man - before embarking on any more relationships.

"He does this all the time, when we ever have arguments it's always my fault."

He's gaslighting you.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting

www.healthline.com/health/gaslighting

Is bil Brian your dh's brother? It sounds like your dh has a lot of 'quirks' too. We go up to bed whenever we feel like and it is not a personal insult to the other if one of us falls asleep before the other.

With regards to locking up, I always shut the downstairs windows before bed. Either of us may keep our bedroom window slightly ajar because it has been so warm. Dh or I will lock the front door. My dh used to leave it in the lock but I pointed out that wasn't exactly safe so we keep it elsewhere. This argument sounds perfectly normal and that you were both just tired and irritated with each other. You have apologised enough, he needs to get out of his bad mood. He clearly recognises Brian's oddities, just doesn't like his own being pointed out.

I

Are you sure this isn’t about sex with the making it up to me comment? How is it normally initiated?
Also, how often do you go out in the evening without him and does he try and control that? (Prior go lockdown).

Stop apologising now and ask yourself and him what he needs to do for telling you to fuck off. Your first apology was enough for being a bit snippy. And to be honest, I don't actually think what you said warranted an apology.

As for the bed times (and I know it's been covered to death) me and DP don't go to bed at the same time unless we fancy sex. I go to bed about 11 and he is still up in the early hours. And he would be told where to go if he insisted that we had the same bed time.

This is scary for you because you know nothing else, but you know this isn't right. Re read the replies you've got on here, these people are talking sense and trying to help you open your eyes to the life you are living and the relationship you are in. You are 33, still so young and deserve to be with someone who doesn't control you like this. It's not healthy.

For context we have the same thing in our house. My mum always talks with her mouth open. All. The. Time. Even when she calls me she is talking around crisps or a biscuit, chocolate etc. Does my fucking head in and no amount of telling her stops it. As soon as we or the kids do it, someone always says "alright Maureen?" No fuck off, no apologise now nothing.

Think hard on if you want this to be the next 40 years! You are worth so much more.

Mate.

Go to bed when you ducking want to.

And why do you have to make it up to him?!

God life doesn’t have to be like this

@StupidArgument

Thank you everyone for the replies last night and this morning.

I woke up this morning at 5am when he did, I apologised again and he said he didn't accept it. I asked him to please not be mad at me, I'd said I was sorry, I said I was sorry last night almost as soon as I said it but he interrupted me, he said he interrupted me because I wasn't saying it properly. I said I was sorry for saying it and that I shouldn't have, I just snapped because I was annoyed that he'd been pecking my head constantly for 15 minutes beforehand, and he said "an apology isn't good enough, you'll have to think of something else" and went downstairs.

He was doing some work from his laptop before he left about 7, and I went down at 6. I didn't apologise again but I just asked him about work and stuff and he was okay with me. So I feel a bit better that we're "okay" now but also worried that he will come home and he won't be, I don't really know what to expect.

I feel like I want to cry after reading all these replies. I don't know what to do. I do love DH but one minute I'm happy and planning a future and wishing we had kids (we've tried but have fertility issues on my end that we're trying to work on) and the next I feel like I want to run away and start my life over, and I don't know which feeling to trust or believe is the real way I feel. I might start a thread in relationships later, as someone suggested. I think I need to talk about it more.

Fucking hell that first bit made my blood run cold. Nasty abusive bastard.

And I agree with others - thought you were late 50s early 60s when I read your OP. It never crossed my mind that you were so young.

This is no way to live your life.

What we have you do?

Talk to him like a grown up of course!

So, no leaping up at 5am yesterday. Wait until you both had time for a conversation, presumably in the evening, then say 'I'd like to talk about what happened yesterday', 'I'll go first'. Outline events factually, then say something like 'so from my point of view there are three main issues to resolve:

Firstly, we have not agreed that leaving upstairs windows open is wrong, there was nothing 'wrong' and it appeared to me that you were deliberately seeking to find fault, in order to start an argument. That's not ok. If there is a problem, you need to say what it is and we can discuss it sensibly, like grown-ups. If you want to have a conversation about the best approach to windows and keys, we can have that conversation.

Secondly, you seem to think it's ok to call me names out of spite, yet not ok for me to snap at you out of exasperation at your fight-picking behaviour. Name calling isn't ok - but I had cause and I apologised. You didn't and haven't.

Thirdly, you called me a bitch. I won't continue in a relationship with someone who considers that ok and who does that.

Over to you.'

Something like that. Why would that be so hard for you and why don't you ever have conversations like that? Like two equal adult parnters who like and respect each other?

Yes the 'wasn't saying it properly' is from Abuser Textbook 101.

I had one of those too - he would manufacture random fights, get offended when I didn't react 'properly', and sulked to punish me. It's been 15 years and even now when I think about that relationship, I can feel the ball of anxiety I had in my chest - is he in a good mood today, did I manage to behave to his liking or what have I done wrong this time?

This is no way to live. You're so young, do you want to have another 50 years of this? Or do you want to have a nice, relaxing life with a partner whom you don't upset all the time? who admits that they can be wrong too, and apologises? Around whom you don't have to creep around on eggshells? (I had my first DC when I was 35 and was almost the youngest in our NCT class. Don't stay because of that).