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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

985 replies

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 21:57

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

OP posts:
ScrapThatThen · 17/08/2020 21:20

Crunch those eggshells you're walking on x

Vodkacranberryplease · 17/08/2020 21:21
  1. Un fucking believable. I won't be living like this when I'm 70. What a miserable existence.
bumblenbean · 17/08/2020 21:23

OP have just read the thread and your latest update. Every update is worse than the last and to be honest his ‘casual’ mention of it halfway through your call is really quite chilling. It’s like he’s lulling you into a false sense of security, as if all is forgotten, before sliding it back into the conversation to taunt you - reminding you that’s he’s got some kind of hold over you.

Abuse doesn’t have to be physical or screaming arguments - it can be insidious and coercive and designed to grind you down over time.

As everyone has said his behaviour is at the very least not normal and is making you unhappy. I hear how much you want children and I completely understand the fear of starting over especially when it feels time isn’t on your side. But you CAN start again. You CAN meet someone else and be happy.

Only you can decide if you want to be with this man but please don’t stay with him just because you want a child. Many women can have babies into their forties. Some even choose to do it alone from the outset.

I’m not saying by any means it’s an easy decision. But ...Please put yourself first and don’t accept an unhappy life because of the fear of change Flowers

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 17/08/2020 21:32

Life is too short for this crap. Stop walking on eggshells.
Stop begging forgivness for something that wasn't your fault to start with.
Stop dancing to hs tune.
Your life and feelings are just as important as his.
He's not god.
He's not the boss of everything.
No one died and made him King.
It's not your fault.

chickenyhead · 17/08/2020 21:34

I'm sorry OP but that's creepy.

Bringing up, mid conversation, some mythical unknown expectation he has, for an apology he wasn't even due.

Creepy

Nanny0gg · 17/08/2020 21:48

@StupidArgument

I just wanted to give an update, as I'm feeling even more confused now.

DH rang me when he was on his way home and he was fine, chatting and even called me by his nickname for me. But then part way through the conversation, he said "so have you decided what you're going to do to make it up to me yet?" I said why are you bringing that up and the conversation just died and since he got home it's been a bit weird, I can't bear to make eye contact and he's talking to me but I feel like I don't know what to say or how to behave.

No apology from him or anything, as expected, but at least I didn't apologise again either Grin

So you have real -life friends?

What do they think of the way he treats you? Do they know his expectations?

Can you see them whenever you want to?

Vodkacranberryplease · 17/08/2020 21:53

I don't get what he means by what are you going to do to make it up to him. Is there some kind of sex act he's been pestering you for that you don't want to do that he now thinks you have to?

He's deliberately angling towards something. It's like he took a minor incident and decided to milk it for all it's worth.

Really super creepy. I can't even begin to imagine what a prick he will be if you have children with him. It's like you've lost all your dignity and are just begging for his approval and he just loves it.

Ugh. Just a very strange dynamic.

Catmaiden · 17/08/2020 21:57

Omg that is SO abusive. 😞😡
Please, don't do anything to placate him as an apology.
. (unless if you don't, it puts you in danger 😞)and, talk to Women's Aid, please.
Hugs Flowers

Stella8686 · 17/08/2020 22:04

@StupidArgument have you ever challenged him? What was his response?

Throckmorton · 17/08/2020 22:04

My god he's an abusive arsehole. Seriously, even reading the things he's said and done is chilling. Life can be so much better than the life you are living. Also, you know he'll get worse and worse over time right? Abusers don't mellow, they ramp things up. Get out now, while you can. Hugs

lottiegarbanzo · 17/08/2020 22:41

Have you asked him to apologise for calling you a bitch yet?

Vodkacranberryplease · 17/08/2020 22:43

@lottiegarbanzo no of course not! She's still apologising and begging to be forgiven. I can't watch it's just so depressing. And creepy, this guy is just fucking weird.

I have got money on it that he turns out to be a pervert. Something very odd is going on here.

LemonyFace · 17/08/2020 22:45

@StupidArgument I've read all your posts with increasing horror - you poor thing!
I know it's hard to hear what everyone on here has to say, but please, please believe us - this is not normal, you are being abused. The frog slowly boiling to death is a good analogy, this had been all you have known for your whole adult life - but honestly, there is a while wide world out there for you to explore and enjoy! Don't let this be your next 50/60 years of your life. You deserve better, you really and truly do.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/08/2020 23:05

On a positive note OP, lots of people meet partners in their 30s and go on to have happy lives together. I did, many friends did. You just have to look outside your usual area - be that geographically, or in terms of interests, activities etc.

I don't know anything about your fertility issues but is there anything you can persue or investigate further alone?

1Morewineplease · 17/08/2020 23:05

This ‘relationship’ with your husband is not normal. He has a hold over you and yet you feel guilty.
Your husband sounds creepy and has a dark, controlling side to him.
Are you happy with this status quo until you draw your last breath?
You’ve been with him for so long that you’ve lost touch with what is/isn’t acceptable.
Please have a good, long, hard think about the rest of your life.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/08/2020 23:15

Incidentally, the way he 'pecked at you' as you put it rather well, until you snapped, then demanded apology after apology, until he gets what he wants, makes me think of other posts I've read on here, where men admitted to doing this quite deliberately, as a way of getting whatever favour (usually sexual act) they wanted.

That is, they waited until their partner was tired or distracted, or set up their plan so it would have its impact at such a time (e.g. not washing up for a few days, so there was a mountain of mess by Friday evening, after a long week at work). Their partner got annoyed with them - but because she was tired and they wound her up a bit more, she got really angry. They acted hurt or sulky. She felt bad for 'overreacting', apologised a lot and gave them whatever they wanted to make things up to them. (Oh and they still hadn't done the washing up. So she'll have ended up doing that too).

A poster had overheard male colleagues laughing about this approach as a deliberate set of tactics e.g. 'haven't washed up all week, with a bit of luck she'll blow up tonight, then I'll get... (make up sex etc).

VodselForDinner · 17/08/2020 23:20

Your husband is a complete and utter Brian.

I’m picturing him in tweed trousers, a sleeveless brown pullover, and Jacob Rees-Mogg glasses.

Vodkacranberryplease · 17/08/2020 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MasterBruceBalloon · 18/08/2020 00:01

Please let's not speculate on what he will deem acceptable - this is OP's life.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2020 00:27

But then part way through the conversation, he said "so have you decided what you're going to do to make it up to me yet?"

I truly don't think you have any grasp on how abused you are by this man. Your life sounds like a prison and it's just fucking tragic.

shinyredbus · 18/08/2020 00:39

Good god - don’t have a child with this bully please! And stop apologising- he sounds like an insufferable child. With a child - it will only get worse. Please leave. He’s a bully.

Popc0rn · 18/08/2020 01:15

Oh OP, I've just read all your posts and my heart has sank a bit for you with each one. He sounds awful. Really hope you're okay, do you have any friends or family you could stay with for a bit of breathing space?

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 18/08/2020 01:31

What a prat!
get him a Brian the Magic Roundabout Snail pillowcase and send him to bed on his own,

And don't apologise!

AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?
StupidArgument · 18/08/2020 07:06

I know everyone is saying I shouldn't have apologised to him again - and I get that, I really do.

But what else would you have had me done? I need some time and space to figure out what I'm going to do now, and to make a plan. It's easier to do that if he thinks things are back to normal or if I'm behaving the way I usually would.

OP posts:
cautionhot · 18/08/2020 07:13

I would have told him to fuck off, the same way he did to you. I'd have told him to fuck off, grow up and stop pecking at me.

This is not a good relationship op and you deserve more. I was shocked when you said your ages. Life is too short for all these rules and routine and being called a bitch.

I've had a baby much older than you op. And do you know what, you can move wherever you like. Don't get stuck in a relationship because some people in your area had babies young.

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