AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

Oh OP it sounds like you suffered a degree of emotional abuse as a child too. Your self esteem must be shot to pieces and no wonder you cling on to the wrong types. You just don’t know any better. Please stand up for yourself against Brian, you never know it may make him respect you more if you do.

So he's allowed to call you names to put you down but when you do it back, in humour, it's ourageous and you must (and do) grovel?

Who made him your god (of the worst, unkind, vengeful sort)?

By telling you to think of "something else" to get the magic key to forgiveness without specifying what that is, means he gets to tell you off again and again as you search desperately for some way to make it up to him and anything you come up with is deemed not good enough.

^This. Nothing you do will appease him, because he gets off on you tying yourself in knots trying to apologise.

You need to look up the Freedom Programme. You can do it online, and it will show you what healthy relationships look like. Your parents' relationship with you was dysfunctional and abusive, and you've gone on to have an abusive relationship as an adult, because you don't know any different. This is all completely normal for you, but abusive relationships are not normal, or right.

Being told you're in an abusive relationship is a big shock, so you need support to unpack your feelings. Do start a thread in Relationships, look up the Freedom Programme, and have a chat with Women's Aid. WA is not just for women who are being beaten up by their partners, they help with all forms of abuse, including emotional abuse.

You're only 33, and you don't have children to tie you down (I'm sorry to hear of your fertility problems, but bringing children into this marriage would make things so much worse) so you can start your life again.

Someone mentioned marriage counselling, don't do that. Counselling with an abuser is never recommended, as they use it against you. However, counselling on your own would be a very good idea.

he knew what he was saying as he's played that card before to try and hurt me.

Also, people who love you, don't do, or say, anything to deliberately hurt you.

This gets worse and worse.

You were begging him to forgive you.

What kind of relationship is that? You are being browbeaten. He's absolutely awful.

Can you afford to see a counsellor? You need proper help here

I just want to slap the man. What an utter arsehole. Who does he think he is?

Op this book would be a good place to start
www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-Pat-Craven/dp/1477410597?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Jesus Christ STOP APOLOGISING to this wanker.

Ask yourself why you are allowing this man to 'parent' you? This is not an equal relationship. Where is the love & kindness?

Then picture him treating your child this way.

Then read him the riot act. He needs to get help to change or you leave.

YES IT IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

Just wanted to say that you've have some great advice here.
However, it's so easy for ppl to say LTB, run, pack his bags etc because they aren't emotionally involved in this relationship. They will have forgotten all about this thread by next week while you are still picking up the pieces.
Are you happy? Do you feel fulfilled by your life choices? You've been in this relationship since before you were an adult. People change so much during life and it sounds like you've always been subservient. I think what you need is some sort of outlet. Something that is yours and yours alone and get some independence. Go away without him for a mini break, take some time evaluate everything. I hope you're okay

Living with the Dominator is the book used by The Freedom Programme (which Pat Craven originated)
You really would benefit from doing the course, unfortunately its only available online at the moment due to COVID-19 I think

[quote notforonesecond]@BubblyBarbara that’s made you sound like a right Brian that has[/quote]

but seriously @BubblyBarbara, you could share finances, have children together, know each other inside out, care for one another when sick, love one another, incorporate their family into yours, share your hopes and dreams, have sex with one another....none of that is relevant, it's what time you feel sleepy that defines a relationship? One of the stupidest things I've read on MN (with some high competition).

OP do you have friends or family members you might tease in a similar way to this - e.g. saying your dad looked like Simon Cowell wearing high waist trousers, or a colleague of yours sounded like your boss when they used a certain corporate phrase. Or think the other way if someone said something along similar lines to you - e.g. jokingly said you looked like a hippy if you were wearing a flowery dress or even (as your DH actually did) you look/sound like your mum. Even if you were slightly insulted by this (and, like I said earlier, even if Brian is a bit annoying it's not a major insult, you didn't call him Hitler), would you accept it if someone apologised FIVE times, over the course of more than 12 hours? Or would you refuse, carry on sulking, swear at them, ignore them, and say they didn't apologise in the 'right' way and now they have to find another way to make it up to you? Because if you would never treat anyone that badly (because it's a horrible way to treat someone) then why is it okay to accept it when someone treats you that way? You are not worth less than your husband.

Your definition of not mean and my definition of not mean are very different.

You are like a kicked puppy whimpering with big eyes at the feet that kicked him hoping for a little cuddle.

I assume you never go out for the night with friends? Or stay up late talking to them online? Or choose to have a sleep in after you stayed up too late?

FFS OP - I agree with Tork. At your age you should be having girly nights out with your friends not bloody going to bed at 8.30.

His behaviour is very abusive, do you not see it?

I can't believe you're so young!

You're far far too young to settle for this life. Can I suggest you double up in your contraception for more difficulties conceiving or not, the last thing you need right now is to get pregnant & we all know about sods law!

I know you're reeling from the replies you weren't expecting, but the vast majority of the posters are right. He's controlling. You just don't realise quite how bad it is because this is all you've ever known!

He's definitely turning into a Brian, if he's not already one!

Complaining that you're not security conscious because you left upstairs windows open when you're at home is just bonkers, but given what else you said about the windows I think he just wanted to have a go at you to keep you in your place.

All the shit about you not apologising properly & you'd have to think of something else. It's all quite weird & sinister

Personally with my Grandparents, parents & extended family, friends & myself - going to bed together is the norm (I'm surprised so many on here have said they don't go to bed together) I like going to bed together. Plus if I go to bed first then get woken up I'd not be able to go back to sleep! But it's different to how you describe going to bed SO early when he wants to go. I can't explain, but it feels like he's treating you like a child that can't stay downstairs when the adults go up to bed!

I'm sorry this has all come as such whack in the face to you, but your childhood has left you with little self confidence and he has exploited that over the years.

You're like the frog in the pot 😢

I think you'd be far happier if you left him & had some time alone, then found someone else to have a family with. I know you'll feel it's too late & you'll be scared of walking away from all you've known since you were a kid, but I wish I could hug you and support you while you do it. You're worth SO much more than the 'life' you're living 🌷

He is so abusive. Get away and live your own life, find out what you want from your life

@MJMG2015 oh my gosh your reply has me tearing up. I am scared to walk away - I don't know what my life would be without him, and I know really 33 isn't that old and it probably depends whereabouts you live but in the area I'm from everyone has babies young, I'm the last of my friends and basically everyone I know and I already feel so left behind. I can't imagine splitting up, finding someone else and being able to have a family with my fertility issues, I feel like if I leave him then that's it I'll never have kids.

@StupidArgument

At the risk of sounding a bit cold, I think you need to consider what is good for your potential future child, not just what you want.

A controlling, petty, manipulative father and an abused mother walking on eggshells is not going to make for a happy childhood.

If you want children, you can make that happen, you're very young still.
Don't waste your time on this awful man

I just wanted to give an update, as I'm feeling even more confused now.

DH rang me when he was on his way home and he was fine, chatting and even called me by his nickname for me. But then part way through the conversation, he said "so have you decided what you're going to do to make it up to me yet?" I said why are you bringing that up and the conversation just died and since he got home it's been a bit weird, I can't bear to make eye contact and he's talking to me but I feel like I don't know what to say or how to behave.

No apology from him or anything, as expected, but at least I didn't apologise again either

@WaltzingBetty I do understand that. But being a Mum has been all I've ever wanted. It's not going to happen anyway, you don't have to worry.

@StupidArgument

I just wanted to give an update, as I'm feeling even more confused now.

DH rang me when he was on his way home and he was fine, chatting and even called me by his nickname for me. But then part way through the conversation, he said "so have you decided what you're going to do to make it up to me yet?" I said why are you bringing that up and the conversation just died and since he got home it's been a bit weird, I can't bear to make eye contact and he's talking to me but I feel like I don't know what to say or how to behave.

No apology from him or anything, as expected, but at least I didn't apologise again either

Is he hinting for sex/blowjob? In which case you might want to mention that coercive sex isn't an option

I'd be utterly straightforward with him.
'No, I apologised for saying you were behaving like your your brother but the more you sulk and try and control me, the more it's clear that controlling your environment appears to be a family trait. You called me a bitch and spoke to me in a vile manner and yet you still appear to believe I'm the one at fault. I've no idea what you're expecting me to do, but you might want to think again as I've already apologised for my words and you have not. So if you're expecting anything else you've got a long wait coning. However I'm here if you want to apologise, talk and discuss respect and boundaries in our relationship as I think this would be a good idea.'

Then stop going upstairs at his bedtime and have a long think about the reality of your relationship. Not the square peg of husband and family you're trying to hammer into the round hole of control and disrespect

OP have you ever called him out on this behaviour before ? E.g said no I’m not going to apologise because I’ve done nothing wrong etc. and told him it’s not acceptable to use that language and you aren’t putting up with it?

I agree with all pp’s that you should leave but obviously not as straight forward when you’ve been together forever and it’s all you know really. It must be hard, I hope you manage to come to a conclusion that is right for you and your future

OP, I was 32 when I met my now DH, and we got married the following year. We've now been married for 17 years and have 2 DDs of 11 and 9 (adopted because I was infertile).

You have your whole life ahead of you and you should be able to live it without walking on eggshells.

Get out now OP.

You aren't too old.

If you have kids with this prick you're tethered for life.

I'm 33, always wanted to be a mum and still do - have had counselling at various points to tackle the sadness I feel that it hasn't happened yet.

But I am determined that when I do become a mum, it will be in a secure and loving and healthy relationship OR as a single parent - I am adopted so this has always been something I've considered.

Not saying it's something for you, just sharing that you sound lovely and (like me) I can feel that you want to be the best mum you can be and that might look different to how you thought eg it may not be with your current husband. And you're only 33 - statistics show good results for TTC a good few years after that and like I said there are other options too.

Bringing a baby into an unhealthy relationship knowingly wouldn't be fair and I think it's great you are starting to see that

OP, why don't you try starting to call the shots a bit more. Choose what you want, feel like or the routine you like. If he can't adapt and compromise he is not valuing you and therefore not good enough for you.