AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

I am sorry OP, but the others are right. This is not a happy or healthy relationship.
the next I feel like I want to run away and start my life over
This is not something you should be feeling in a marriage and I beg you, PLEASE DO NOT bring children into this relationship. It will only make things a million times worse.

This is the start of your awakening. Try and be kind to yourself. Think about yourself as if it was your best friend. If someone has was treating your best friend this way, it would be utterly unacceptable. So why is it ok that you put up with it?
I know you’ve been in this relationship for your entire adult life so far, but it doesn’t have to be like that forever. You can have a chance at a brighter, happier life.

Also, do not, not, NOT have children with someone like this.

Can you imagine it? All the night wakings will be yours to deal with, because he sleeps from 9pm to 5am and that is that. He might 'help' you occasionally with your maternal childcare duties (i.e. doing ALL the parenting that most couples split between them) but he will expect gratitude for that. A lot of gratitude, by the sound of it. And a lot of grovelly apologising when, in your almost mad with sleep deprivation state, you say something a bit terse, or try to hurry him to do something you really, really need.

I'm speculating of course. Maybe you've talked about how parenting would be and he's desperate to pull his weight with the night wakings, nappy changes, cleaning up sick and food splats, fitting in other house cleaning when time allows, while also striving to ensure you get equal time off, to do what you will; relax, or go out with friends.

Is that how it would be? Think about it.

@StupidArgument

I feel like I want to cry after reading all these replies. I don't know what to do. I do love DH but one minute I'm happy and planning a future and wishing we had kids (we've tried but have fertility issues on my end that we're trying to work on) and the next I feel like I want to run away and start my life over, and I don't know which feeling to trust or believe is the real way I feel. I might start a thread in relationships later, as someone suggested. I think I need to talk about it more.

Take your time. These replies have hit you hard - I think it's significant that your thread title describes this as a petty argument. That's what you've become used to, even controlled into thinking. And in itself yes it could be seen as petty. But put into the bigger picture it's just one instance of a very dysfunctional relationship, which PPs can see but because you're mired in it, you haven't been able to. Having MNers point it out has given you clarity.

So take time to think about what you want, instead of blindly doing what he wants every time. And post as much as you want to.

@StupidArgument

Thank you everyone for the replies last night and this morning.

I woke up this morning at 5am when he did, I apologised again and he said he didn't accept it. I asked him to please not be mad at me, I'd said I was sorry, I said I was sorry last night almost as soon as I said it but he interrupted me, he said he interrupted me because I wasn't saying it properly. I said I was sorry for saying it and that I shouldn't have, I just snapped because I was annoyed that he'd been pecking my head constantly for 15 minutes beforehand, and he said "an apology isn't good enough, you'll have to think of something else" and went downstairs.

He was doing some work from his laptop before he left about 7, and I went down at 6. I didn't apologise again but I just asked him about work and stuff and he was okay with me. So I feel a bit better that we're "okay" now but also worried that he will come home and he won't be, I don't really know what to expect.

I feel like I want to cry after reading all these replies. I don't know what to do. I do love DH but one minute I'm happy and planning a future and wishing we had kids (we've tried but have fertility issues on my end that we're trying to work on) and the next I feel like I want to run away and start my life over, and I don't know which feeling to trust or believe is the real way I feel. I might start a thread in relationships later, as someone suggested. I think I need to talk about it more.

Bloody hell! what a petulant sulky manipulative arsehole. He sounds deeply unpleasant.

What kind of adult man expects his wife to grovel because she called him a jokey family name when he was being a dick.

Honestly @StupidArgument
I think you'd really benefit from starting a thread in relationships. He sounds very controlling, emotionally abusive and a bit of a prick.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells and aiming to appease 'he who must not be disobeyed'?

This is no way to live.

Calling him 'Brian' was beyond the pale but calling you a bitch and to fuck off is acceptable..ok..

You'll have to think of something else? Abusive wanker.

I've thought of something: divorce!

StupidArgument, from a bloke's point of view.

I occasionally (pretty rare now due to Covid) need to get up at 04:30 to be able to get to my office by 08:30. I aim to be in bed and trying to sleep by 10. That is my decision and I don't expect my other half to go to bed with me. Not my place to decide their bedtime for her, it's not like she is young child who needs telling. That is him controlling you. And his rules about the place for things and you going to bed at the same time as him every.bloody.night is just his 'version' of his brother. Different ways but boils down to the same control of their environment.

His sulking because your apology 'isn't good enough' and expecting you to keep apologising is pathetic and another control tactic. You're now walking on the proverbial egg-shells in case he stops acting 'normally'

Please, think very, very hard about having children with him. You have the option to leave and have a proper life with someone who treats you as an equal. Is it fair to, potentially, inflict this kind of control on children who can't escape? That would be really cruel. Yet it's something you can prevent

If you stay married to him you will need to be prepared for this to not only continue but get worse.

Whether the argument is silly or not is neither here nor there really. I don’t think you can see just how odd your apologising to him is. He swore at you and called you a bitch. This is abusive and truly nasty language. You called him Brian, because he was doing something Brian does.

Can you not see the difference between the two things? Even if he doesn’t like Brian, what you said was understandable in context and not at all abusive. His reaction is so out of proportion as to be shocking.

You have then spent the rest of the evening apologising, which he has rejected as you haven’t said it convincingly enough.

He is never wrong and never apologises (truly awful character flaws that I would never have in a partner as they show real weakness).

You have to build your life around his patterns. He doesn’t adjust to yours.

You are still so young. Please see this for what it is. I know this is your normal and the only thing you’ve known as an adult, but this is so far from normal. Dh has never ever sworn at me or called me names. I have never felt afraid raising anything with him.

I hope things get better for you. Don’t waste more time with someone who doesn’t value who you are.

an apology isn't good enough, you'll have to think of something else

So arrogant and high handed. From your posts it sounds like you're used to being spoken to like that, almost as though you think it's pretty normal. It's really not normal at all and he needs to be taken down a peg or two. I think this has come as a shock to you - something of an epiphany. You are so very young. Take some time to gather yourself, and decide if you want the rest of your life to be this way.

I wouldn't have apologised to him for it at all. Sounds like he was looking for an argument if he kept niggling and that little thing tipped him over the edge. I would have told him to get over himself.
Also tell him from now on your not going to bed at the same time every night. Screw that!

Just going back to the going to bed together thing. In itself, it's not unusual but only because partners often keep similar hours anyway.

I have come across a few couples who do it religiously and where one will 'sit up with' the other, often dozing on the sofa, before going to bed at the same time. They have been older, old-fashioned couples, where the woman was a housewife and did see her role as being a helpmeet to the great man. Maybe your DH's parents are like that. Doesn't mean you have to be. Or that you have to allow him to dictate how your relationship, your life, is going to be at all.

The issue isn't so much the odd habit you've got into. It is what happens when you say you want to do things differently - or when you just start doing them differently.

Oh and what I was going to say is that those helpmeet wives I described have acted out of kindness, support and love. They have experienced the same thing back, in different ways.

Kindness, support and love can only be mutual in a relationship. One way only and they are not those things at all.

"an apology isn't good enough, you'll have to think of something else" and went downstairs

Imagine this angry controlling man saying that to your toddler, your 8 year old, your teenager over a minor infraction or a little joke in response to nit picking, or not wanting to go to bed at 9.00 pm

Is that the life you want for them or you?

PP have suggested finding someone to talk to about this. Please do that.
I bet this is not the first time you've had to beg his forgiveness. Calling him Brian hurt his feelings so much he has to punish you for days?
ITS JUST AN EXCUSE!!! It will be some other minor thing next time.

By telling you to think of "something else" to get the magic key to forgiveness without specifying what that is, means he gets to tell you off again and again as you search desperately for some way to make it up to him and anything you come up with is deemed not good enough.

Please get some help, this is not your fault. His behaviour is not normal.

"You need to think of something else"🙄

Really?

This is when you pack your bags and leave and tell him "I've thought of something else, I'm leaving you, you abusive pig".

Have you come from an abusive background?
Because normal family life does not involve calling each other names like bitch and saying fxxk off.

I hope you will come back OP, because I bet the truth is you haveoads of tales of abuse from this man.

Your life is only going to get worse.

@ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore

You'll have to think of something else? Abusive wanker.

I've thought of something: divorce!

Ah!! Bingo!

@billy1966

"You need to think of something else"🙄

Really?

This is when you pack your bags and leave and tell him "I've thought of something else, I'm leaving you, you abusive pig".

Have you come from an abusive background?
Because normal family life does not involve calling each other names like bitch and saying fxxk off.

I hope you will come back OP, because I bet the truth is you haveoads of tales of abuse from this man.

Your life is only going to get worse.

I'm still here, I've read all the responses but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and trying to get some work done as well.

I wouldn't say I've come from an abusive background, I had a generally happy childhood but my Mum was very bossy and could be mean about my looks sometimes, and I often would feel like I was walking on egg shells around her, and my Dad too to a lesser extent.

It's funny really that DH called me Doreen (my mum's name) in retaliation, because he is actually much more like her than I am. He doesn't usually call me names or say mean things about my looks, but I do have a pattern of being with people who boss me around - my mum, friends at school, I had a boyfriend for a few months before DH who was the same, and now DH.

What do you think he means by... you'll have to think of something else?

[quote StupidArgument]@nicknacky we've always just gone to bed at the same time at DH's insistence, I don't care much either way[/quote]
Don't you see this as controlling

I suspect that calling you Doreen isn't about your mum's personality - unless there's a specific link. (He may have meant that 'telling him off' / putting him down, by calling him Brian, was like your Mum's bossiness). He may well just have meant to hurt you, by comparing you to someone older (for many men and women, 'old woman' = 'ugly, irrelevant hag' and is the worst possible thing one could be) and who you have a difficult relationship with. So she was the first 'difficult / bad relative' who came to mind in response to your 'Brian' jibe. He was probably just clutching at straws, not being witty or clever.

@lottiegarbanzo

I suspect that calling you Doreen isn't about your mum's personality - unless there's a specific link. (He may have meant that 'telling him off' / putting him down, by calling him Brian, was like your Mum's bossiness). He may well just have meant to hurt you, by comparing you to someone older (for many men and women, 'old woman' = 'ugly, irrelevant hag' and is the worst possible thing one could be) and who you have a difficult relationship with. So she was the first 'difficult / bad relative' who came to mind in response to your 'Brian' jibe. He was probably just clutching at straws, not being witty or clever.

No, he called me my Mum's name to try and hurt me, I think it was about her personality, I love my Mum but I don't want to be like her. She's mellowed a lot now but we did have a difficult relationship, he knew what he was saying as he's played that card before to try and hurt me.

Mum was very bossy and could be mean about my looks sometimes, and I often would feel like I was walking on egg shells around her, and my Dad ...but I do have a pattern of being with people who boss me around...friends at school ...a boyfriend

Sorry OP, that does sound quite hard, people you trust being mean about your looks, making you feel like walking on eggshells so that they dont explode at you and this has led to you having others in your life who push you around because you've been conditioned to think that is normal or what you deserve.

Its not what you deserve as I think you are beginning to recognise, which is a good thing.
It would probably really help you to change how you react to treatment like this if you could find a helpful RL person to speak to . and don't tell anyone until you are ready.
People who are used to controlling others don't react well, when the person being controlled puts their foot down.

So he's called you Doreen before specifically in order to hurt you OP?
Yet he's enraged at you calling him Brian in jest?
Interesting. I'm not surprised this thread is opening your eyes to how much is wrong. Sorry, it must be quite a shock.

You go to bed when he tells you? At 8.30? I'd tell him there's a good film on and it finishes at 12.30.
Tell him Doreen says fuck off!

he was saying as he's played that card before to try and hurt me
Someone who loves and respects you should never do things to try and hurt you.

Please stop apologising to this man, he is stringing it out to humiliate you.