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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

985 replies

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 21:57

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

OP posts:
AltheaThoon · 17/08/2020 12:27

Do you have any close family or friends op? You really need some support in this. It's not an exaggeration to say that you are in an abusive relationship. You absolutely do not need to continue apologising and certainly don't need to do anything else to prove you're sorry. You called him 'Brian' ffs. He needs to get over it. I'm guessing that he hasn't apologised for the way he spoke to you, and you certainly deserve an apology for that.

It seems that you have to walk on eggshells not to say something that might upset him and if he does get upset it gives him free licence to say whatever he wants to you without consequence. You should never feel like you're walking on eggshells around a partner.

Please try to look at the situation objectively. There's a reason that everyone on this thread is astonished, appalled and concerned for your safety. Flowers

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 17/08/2020 12:30

Why are you still apologising ? That is not normal. He's being emotionally abusive .

vanillandhoney · 17/08/2020 12:31

Oh, OP. This isn't normal. At all. Flowers

He sounds even worse with your update. Please consider speaking to someone.

Serendipity79 · 17/08/2020 12:34

OP I really feel for you. Please believe me that you can be in a controlling/abusive relationship without realising it. The boiling frog analogy is good for explaining this.

Some of what you've posted really resonated with me - constantly apologising, wanting your partner to be "ok" with you, but worrying about what comes later.

I do honestly think you need to take some time to think about whether this is a good relationship or not, because from the outside it has red flags all over it. x

Pobblebonk · 17/08/2020 12:46

I woke up this morning at 5am when he did, I apologised again and he said he didn't accept it. I asked him to please not be mad at me, I'd said I was sorry, I said I was sorry last night almost as soon as I said it but he interrupted me, he said he interrupted me because I wasn't saying it properly. I said I was sorry for saying it and that I shouldn't have, I just snapped because I was annoyed that he'd been pecking my head constantly for 15 minutes beforehand, and he said "an apology isn't good enough, you'll have to think of something else" and went downstairs.

Oh, for goodness sake, this makes me want to shake him. He's a self-important, controlling, childish idiot.

I would want tell him if I were in your shoes that you've had a think about it, what you said was utterly trivial and his reaction is massively disproportionate. The time has come for him to apologise for the much more offensive terms he used to you and for his ridiculous treatment of you, and that you also need a discussion about what he is going to do about his inherently controlling nature.

But I fully understand that you probably won't feel able to do this. Is there any chance of suggesting marriage counselling to him? In any event you really need to think about an exit plan - contact Women's Aid for advice.

Catmaiden · 17/08/2020 12:50

Please stop apologising. The only person in the wrong here, is him. He is a nasty, abusive, controlling man.

KatharinaRosalie · 17/08/2020 12:52

OP, so what happens with his bedtime if you go out and come home after 9-10? Or does this not happen?

gamerchick · 17/08/2020 12:54

@StupidArgument

Thank you everyone for the replies last night and this morning.

I woke up this morning at 5am when he did, I apologised again and he said he didn't accept it. I asked him to please not be mad at me, I'd said I was sorry, I said I was sorry last night almost as soon as I said it but he interrupted me, he said he interrupted me because I wasn't saying it properly. I said I was sorry for saying it and that I shouldn't have, I just snapped because I was annoyed that he'd been pecking my head constantly for 15 minutes beforehand, and he said "an apology isn't good enough, you'll have to think of something else" and went downstairs.

He was doing some work from his laptop before he left about 7, and I went down at 6. I didn't apologise again but I just asked him about work and stuff and he was okay with me. So I feel a bit better that we're "okay" now but also worried that he will come home and he won't be, I don't really know what to expect.

I feel like I want to cry after reading all these replies. I don't know what to do. I do love DH but one minute I'm happy and planning a future and wishing we had kids (we've tried but have fertility issues on my end that we're trying to work on) and the next I feel like I want to run away and start my life over, and I don't know which feeling to trust or believe is the real way I feel. I might start a thread in relationships later, as someone suggested. I think I need to talk about it more.

Please start another thread.

Stop apologising to the twat. He doesn't get to punish you anymore.

EatsShootsAndRuns · 17/08/2020 12:55

I wouldn't speak to him. I don't mean sulk, I just would behave as if he wasn't there. No conversation, no idle chit chat, nothing. Definitely no apologies!

You are being emotionally abused and controlled. He seems to see you as being inferior to him but you're not - you're his partner. You get to decide your own bedtime and how you spend your time.

Read back everything you've put. Imagine it's your best friend telling you this. See how you feel.

Life isnt about walking on eggshells around your partner.

Colom · 17/08/2020 12:58

Jesus your update confirms what many of us assumed - he's an emotionally abusive idiot.

Please leave OP before having children with this man and being thoroughly trapped in a miserable existence.

Flowers
MilerVino · 17/08/2020 13:01

I woke up this morning at 5am when he did, I apologised again and he said he didn't accept it. I asked him to please not be mad at me, I'd said I was sorry, I said I was sorry last night almost as soon as I said it but he interrupted me, he said he interrupted me because I wasn't saying it properly. I said I was sorry for saying it and that I shouldn't have, I just snapped because I was annoyed that he'd been pecking my head constantly for 15 minutes beforehand, and he said "an apology isn't good enough, you'll have to think of something else" and went downstairs.

Oh OP this is so, so sad to read. Why are you apologising? He was rude, nasty and vile to you and yet you are acting as if you were entirely in the wrong. You're turning yourself inside out to try to please him and he has you dangling away, and has demanded you try to do something else to fix this. His behaviour is just wrong on so many levels. This is not love. This is not a good relationship.

My OH collects plastic tubs - the kind that things like margarine and takeaways are sold in. He stacks these carefully in a cupboard, after washing and drying them carefully. I went to look at them one day and without thinking he snapped 'what are you doing, don't'. I proceeded to take the piss mercilessly. We both ended up falling about with laughter. I now know to respect the tubs, or more to the point the way in which they're stacked. He knows that if he gets possessive I will rub my hands together and make 'prrrecccioussss' noises.

You can laugh at each other and have fun in a loving relationship. You can also, both of you, admit that you were wrong and accept the other person's apology. No-one should be trying to make you grovel and feel bad about yourself - that isn't love.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 17/08/2020 13:01

I would never in a million years apologise to someone who spoke to me like that. You called him Brian, he called you doreen. End of. But no he takes it further telling you to fuck off and calling you a bitch then refusing to accept your apology then telling you to do more than apologise. What type of marriage is this??? I'd be gone

Everysinglebloodytime · 17/08/2020 13:01

Please read your last post again.

Where the fuck does he get off speaking to you like that. You deserve so much better. What you said was actually quite funny and in the context of an equal relationship you'd have probably laughed together.

This is not an equal relationship, he has you tiptoeing around your own house, having to adapt around his routine.

'An apology isn't good enough, I'll have to think of something else' - run for the hills, do not tie yourself to this man, don't waste any more of your time with him.

And I have never said that on mumsnet (or to anyone actually) before.

HerNameWasEliza · 17/08/2020 13:09

So I've been trying to see things from your OH perspective
.
Expecting you to go to bed at the same time as him? Nah, that's just weird and controlling. If he wants to go to bed at the same time I guess he can go when you go? Otherwise he can just get over it as it's no big deal.

Ignoring what he said about the bolt and keys- I think that's not nice TBH. I'm assuming that the keys things was one of those "we need to put them here as otherwise people can reach through the letterbox and help themselves" and not just 'because that's how I like it'. So he was trying to have a direct conversation and you blanked him which is PA. As is calling him Brian when you know he doesn't like Brian and I expect you too have laughed at him together behind his back. I'm not sure why it was your responsibility to shut the window rather than his but I think you need to decide as a couple how happy you are to leave windows wide open - there is no right or wrong about this . We won't do it at night in our house as it's too easy to climb in. But that's just us. If you can't decide together amicably than this is a communication issue.

His not accepting the apology? Not good really. I hope he will calm down and apologise himself though I expect not from what you said about his lack of taking responsibility.

eurochick · 17/08/2020 13:10

Two days of apologies for mocking him (correctly, for being a Brian)? That's crazy. This is no way to live.

Feelingconfused2020 · 17/08/2020 13:11

your update confirms what many of us assumed - he's an emotionally abusive idiot.

Yes I'm sorry but he really is abusing you. You shouldn't feel like this.

I found this article really helpful.for identifying emotional abuse

www.verywellmind.com/identify-and-cope-with-emotional-abuse-4156673

The good news for you is that you have no children and you are young. You can get out of this relationship and eventually find someone who treats you well and, if you decide, plan children with them.

HerNameWasEliza · 17/08/2020 13:11

Sorry, missed your update re: him saying an apology is not enough. Id really suggest NOT 'thinking of something else' as that is not a healthy request and not healthy to respond to. If he can't accept an apology, and acts in such an aggressive way, do you really want kids with this man?

Chickychoccyegg · 17/08/2020 13:13

He sounds like a horrible, abusive prick! You should not have had to apologise in the first place, and after your first apology wasnt accepted, you should have been the one telling him to fuck off, he is massively, massively over reacting, stop trying to win him round, and think about packing his bags instead, this is no way to live, his behaviour is completely weird and unacceptable!!

RealMermaid · 17/08/2020 13:15

For god's sake why have you apologised so much for something so minor? He's the one who should be apologising to you, what a child. When I read your post I assumed you were both in your sixties or older and he was a bit set in his ways but you're in your thirties! Seriously if my husband behaved like this I would be sitting him down, explaining why I was not going to apologise again, why his behaviour was unacceptable and I deserved an apology back, and if he refused to accept my apology or return the apology I would be seriously thinking about leaving.

rainbowstardrops · 17/08/2020 13:15

Firstly, STOP APOLOGISING TO HIM!!!!! So you called him Brian? Big deal. He called you a bitch, told you to fuck off and is now acting like a spoiled child!!! HE should be apologising to YOU!!!
Oh and you'll have to think of another way to say sorry???? Errrr no!
Tell him to grow the fuck up and then pack a bag.
Honestly OP, you're 33 not 73! You're wasting your life with this controlling idiot.

Emeraldshamrock · 17/08/2020 13:15

We do have to go to bed at the same time though, no idea why, it does annoy me sometimes, I don't care if we do or not but it's something we've always done at DH's insistence
This would drive me insane.
I don't know how you put up with him OP I'd tell him to kindly to take my apology and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. Flowers

lottiegarbanzo · 17/08/2020 13:16

Do start a new thread in relationships.

Stop grovelling and begging forgiveness. You're not his slave or his dog.

You made an apt and witty dig at him. He called you a bitch. Who should be apologising here? Clue: not you.

Incidentally (or nor so), is keeping all upstairs windows closed, at all times, something the pair of you have agreed upon? Where does the idea come from that it was a 'bad' thing for you to have done? Do you agree that you'd done a 'wrong' thing? Or was he just feeling ratty and looking for an excuse to have a go? Does that happen often? Do you usually take the abuse, then end up being the one to apologise?

He's told you to fuck off - why not do so?

MsEllany · 17/08/2020 13:16

Tbh your husband sounds exactly like a Brian.

He also sounds like he is beating you into submission and you are not happy. It’s not dramatic to say you’d like to enjoy your own life sometimes. You only get one life - don’t let him ruin it by forcing you to bed when you don’t want, to try and sleep a way that you can’t, to apologise when you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s clear you’re in eggshells round him all the time.

Runmybathforme · 17/08/2020 13:21

Why did you keep apologising to him ? Why apologise at all ? He was being a nob, just let him stew. As for him dictating when you go to bed, that’s absurd.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 17/08/2020 13:21

Why on earth did you apologise to him yet again? It only serves to make him think he is completely in the right and justified - just like a Brian. You are just setting yourself up to be his doormat. You are so young - do you really want the rest of your life to be cowtowing to his whims and moods?

If he is acting indifferent to you when he comes back - match him indifference to indifference. Don't let him set the mood and agenda all the time.

Sorry to sound so bossy but I have been in a similar place to you and made the mistake of constantly appeasing my now ex to make life more pleasant again. In the end it doesn't work you know. That's why he's an ex.