OH moaning about sex

[cherrybalms]

I have a 9 month old baby with partner. he is an awful sleeper (baby that is lol) and I havent had a full night sleep since he was born which is the norm of course. I have accepted this and the fact I'm going to be tired for a while until he settles down or until I stop breastfeeding him at night etc. anyway, as you can imagine I am exhausted. I suffer with tension headaches a lot because of the lack of sleep.

my partner will not stop complaining about our lack of sex life atm. I get people have needs and im sympathetic to that but a lot of the time when baby goes to bed I just want to get an early night and go to sleep. we do have sex but admittedly a few weeks might go by in between. it's really starting to cause issues now though. we cant have a conversation without it somehow ending up back to that. he made a comment yesterday about not remembering what sex was, and these comments are increasing. I'm not sure how to handle this but its making me feel shit about myself on top of how shit I already feel with the headaches and sleep deprivation. I've tried pointing out it wont be like this forever and we will get nights off when he gets to stay with his nans when hes a bit older but the sighs and sarky comments are still coming. could really do without it :( anyone else? what did you do!

Well nothing would put me off sex quicker than a whinging partner!

Express milk. Book 2 nights in a hotel.

Leave baby with dad.

That ought to do it.

I'm not sure how to handle this but its making me feel shit about myself on top of how shit I already feel with the headaches and sleep deprivation.
Tell him that.

Just about to add what Feminist has said already but I’d extend it to a week to really make the point.

If he gets up every time you get up with the baby, he suffers the same lack of sleep. Tends to put lack of sex in perspective, they then start prioritising sleep the same way you do.

You're not a vessel to provide milk to one, and sex to the other.

How nice that all he cares about is himself. What a twat.

@mbosnz that's a really good point. that's how I feel sometimes, that I'm not really here for myself anymore and just to provide for everyone else :(

Ask him if he thinks whinging about it will make you want to have sex with him. And whilst you're at it ask him what he intends to do to help you get more sleep.

Honestly I would tell him to fuck right off. You dont need a sex pest on top of sleep deprivation.
I'm betting he was pressuring you soon after the birth as well, and you had to dish out a few blow jobs to keep him at bay. Am I warm?

Ugh. Nothing is more of a turn off than a man whining about lack of sex.

he makes me feel soo bad about it, I have to remind myself sometimes that my mental health is already struggling with the lack of sleep and not being "me" atm. I already help him out a lot too - he gets an unbroken night of sleep every night in another room and I do all the night feeds. he has commented before saying to wake him up if I need to but when I did that he said his job was too dangerous to do when he was tired so cant really win!

night wakings*

What we did was not have sex once I conceived, only did it just before the six week check as I thought we were supposed to and I'd had an emergency section. Then when we did eventually start again it was on a Sunday afternoon to keep the connection and I suspect not every week. DH isn't that fussed. I'm the one who has felt more frustrated but it is time for some cold hard words otherwise your relationship will be shittier

He stops sulking
He has the baby alone so you can rest
He cooks every other day
He baths the baby other other night and puts to bed
He gets up at least one weekend morning so you can rest
He apologises for being a selfish sex pest

Change that, he gets up both weekend days since he gets a proper nights sleep five nights a week .

@cherrybalms

he makes me feel soo bad about it, I have to remind myself sometimes that my mental health is already struggling with the lack of sleep and not being "me" atm. I already help him out a lot too - he gets an unbroken night of sleep every night in another room and I do all the night feeds. he has commented before saying to wake him up if I need to but when I did that he said his job was too dangerous to do when he was tired so cant really win!

Maybe lay it out for him that you are too tired from looking after his baby to prioritise his needs too, and if he wants more chance of you being up for sex he needs to take on more childcare?

Tell him you need at least 3 nights of unbroken sleep in another room a week.

Take Janaih's most excellent line -

"I don't need a sex pest on top of sleep deprivation"

@Feminist10101

Express milk. Book 2 nights in a hotel.

Leave baby with dad.

That ought to do it.

Do this.

he has commented before saying to wake him up if I need to but when I did that he said his job was too dangerous to do when he was tired so cant really win

So you tell him he has a choice; he can do 50% of the night wakings every week, or accept the fact that sex is off the table for the foreseeable future because you are exhausted.

The thing is sex is a want. Not a need. Yes a relationship where one person wants sex and the other doesnt, wont work long term, but in most long term relationships people accept that there will be periods without sex due to physical distance, illness, stress etc.
Whereas sleep is a need, and if you consistently get too little of it, it will make you ill etc.

What does he want you to do? Would he really be happy with you having sex with him just to stop him moaning? Does he realise that when you are less tired that you might want more sex? What is he doing to help with your tiredness? I realise its difficult with breastfeeding but there are things he can do such as get up with the baby and let you have lie ins etc which might help. Have you considered night weaning? A 9 month old doesn't need to feed in the night, I think often it's a comfort thing, but your comfort and sanity matters and it might not be worth making yourself ill over

Nobody needs sex. Masturbation is a perfectly valid option if your partner is not in the mood!

Yes you need to tell him you are so tired that sex is the last thing on your mind

He could help with the night feeds and lack of sleep and you need him too

I had a similar thing without the snarky comments though, my DS didn't sleep through until he was around 3 years old and I was exhausted. My OH used to moan about being stuck on the motorway coming home from work and I used to fantasise about being stuck on the motorway away from our screaming child.

I think resentment really set in. Plus he became really boring. He'd spend his time playing some stupid game on his laptop and made no effort with himself. I explained that I didn't feel desire towards someone boring like this and he blamed it on me by saying if he was getting sex he'd be a more interesting happy person. I told him we'd reached stale mate then and broke it off.

I've mainly been single ever since because I just can't stand men's unreasonable demands for sex when they do naff all around the house and don't have the child stress. It's such a relief to go to bed knowing I don't have to please someone when i'm not in the mood. I'm not sure if that helps OP but I do sympathise. I think some men think women are permanently horny and just able to flick some sort of switch on to please them when it's simply not the case. We're not sex servants

Oh look. Another well-rested ‘dad’ whingeing about not getting enough sex from his exhausted-to-the-point-of-ill partner.

I don’t have an answer for you OP. Tell him you are too exhausted for sex and ask him what he is planning to do to make you feel better.
I’m guessing he’s selfish and ignorant of your feelings in other ways too?

What @Feminist1010 said