OH moaning about sex

[cherrybalms]

I have a 9 month old baby with partner. he is an awful sleeper (baby that is lol) and I havent had a full night sleep since he was born which is the norm of course. I have accepted this and the fact I'm going to be tired for a while until he settles down or until I stop breastfeeding him at night etc. anyway, as you can imagine I am exhausted. I suffer with tension headaches a lot because of the lack of sleep.

my partner will not stop complaining about our lack of sex life atm. I get people have needs and im sympathetic to that but a lot of the time when baby goes to bed I just want to get an early night and go to sleep. we do have sex but admittedly a few weeks might go by in between. it's really starting to cause issues now though. we cant have a conversation without it somehow ending up back to that. he made a comment yesterday about not remembering what sex was, and these comments are increasing. I'm not sure how to handle this but its making me feel shit about myself on top of how shit I already feel with the headaches and sleep deprivation. I've tried pointing out it wont be like this forever and we will get nights off when he gets to stay with his nans when hes a bit older but the sighs and sarky comments are still coming. could really do without it :( anyone else? what did you do!

What an absolute charmer. You have to lie it out very clearly, you are carrying and extremely heavy physical load right now. There is a reason lack of sleep is considered a form of torture. You have to spell it out to him very clearly and tell him to grow up.

Ask him what he's doing to make himself attractive enough to appeal to a sleep deprived exhausted woman.

Hint- lynx won't do it.

What @Feminist10101 suggested.

I had a serious illness, nothing happened for a year between me and DH, he was nothing but living, reassuring and looking after me. I would not be with him if he just complained about lack of sex.

Move him back in for the weekends to show him what lack of sleep is like or go and sit with him every time you feed.

I can't believe all these responses 'just book a hotel!' As if the problem here is that the man isn't getting enough sex.

The problem is not the lack of sex. Your problem is your whining man-child of a husband who cares not one jot about how exhausted your are, that your mental health is struggling, that he does not see his role as your partner to support and help you at this time, but instead wants to whine and guilt you into having sex, that you will be too exhausted to enjoy but he doesn't care, with him.

THAT is the problem in your marriage.

If I were you I would express that milk, book that hotel and have a weekend of glorious sleep and rest by myself.

Tell him to have a wank in the shower and start taking baby so you can lie in at weekends. Then you both get an improvement

Just realised Feminist did say to go to hotel by yourself and you all agreed. Sorry! Should have read properly.

I quite agree with you all!

Does anyone’s child actually sleep through? Mine wakes up 4 times at least at 18 months grumbling.

My dh doesn’t even come near me or try to have sex. So don’t really have that problem to deal with

I agree with Feminist, too.

Ask him what he's doing to make himself attractive enough to appeal to a sleep deprived exhausted woman.

This

He's a tosser (although not literally, sadly )

he gets an unbroken night of sleep every night in another room and I do all the night feeds

That has to stop if he doesn't have the intelligence to connect the two.

Man who has lots of lovely sleep = keen for sex

Woman who is insane from sleep deprivation = wants to cry at the thought of another job to do before she can sleep.

If he really can't understand it In Words then he needs to be shown.

Wake him every time you feed and tell him you need him there.

And yes, he goes to work the next day. Your job is dangerous to do when tired - what's more important than ensuring your newborn baby is safe? - but you do it. Every day.

After a few days perhaps he will get it.

Has needs. Not an excuse. Urgh.

Every time he comments about sex, comment straight back with your lack of sleep. "I've forgotten what sex is like!" - "I've forgotten what a full night's sleep is like!". "We haven't had sex for X weeks" - "I haven't had a full night's sleep for 9 months!" And so on. Just because you breastfeed doesn't mean you magically survive with no sleep. You should be getting lie ins at the weekend, naps when needed and my DH worked FT but used to take over around 5am so I could get a couple of hours sleep in before he had to leave for work. Tell him to stop being so lazy and bloody selfish! No wonder you don't want to shag him.

I also like Feminist's suggestion.

Or waking him up every time you get woken in the night.

Or simply leave him - because frankly unless his attitude does a pretty rapid 180 this is going to kill the relationship, and you might as well leave now as later.

I think it’s a common problem but you and your DH need to have a honest conversation about it.

My DH and I used to have sex daily, and since our baby (nearly 10 months, also doesn’t sleep) came along its dwindled. My DH doesn’t whine about not getting it, but I used to feel guilty as he initiated a lot when I was so tired. We had a chat about it, he was worrying that I didn’t feel the same way about him as I used to. Sometimes men think our relationship connections are through sex and maybe your DH feels like that. While he knew I was tired, he didn’t really understand how much, because I still used to just get on with things. We had a really good conversation about how we each felt.

Now he gets up in the night with me to feed baby. He makes sure he has baby on a morning so I can have a hot shower without worrying, he does the cooking and all the shopping so household tasks are evenly distributed and we also make more time to talk to each other about how we feel.

Because we both feel tired we still probably don’t have as much sex as we want but at least now we both understand each other better and our marriage is healthier for it. I think you two need to talk about how you feel.

Phase 2. Water pistol above his pillow with a timer set to squirt at random intervals multiple times per night.

Phase 3. Same as above but with a taser aimed at his nuts.

Leave the baby and the dad for a long weekend.

Express milk, leave them to it. He’s being a total selfish prick.

Yes he’s being completely and utterly unreasonable.. sleep deprivation is one of the worst things ever..

He sounds just like my EX husband. He isn’t being fair to you at all. Pestering for sex is awful and you shouldnt put up with it. He needs to be told to A. Stop and B. Help!
I hope things improve for you and Don’t feel guilty! You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s perfectly normal to want to sleep with your little one doesn’t do much of it xx

I'd be setting up the baby monitor on max volume in his room.

But honestly DH did at least half the night feeds with our DD as he recognised both of us had important jobs to do and he wasn't a selfish prick. The only reason men still behave like this is because we let them treat is like this

I really feel for you op but god I am so sick of these threads, I can’t believe these disgusting men don’t realise how lucky they are, the lack of empathy is absolutely astounding. I’d be sealing my fanny shut for good if a man dared treat me like this.

It's common for men to be disappointed about the lack of sex when they have a small baby and an exhausted wife. What a decent man does in that situation is (a) realise it isn't forever and ride it out patiently; (b) think of ways to help you get more sleep so you are less tired and more up for it; and (c) a bit of romance or generally doing nice things for you so that you feel more loving towards him.

Sounds like your DH is doing none of these things. You can either tell him he's a total jerk and ignore him, or you can tell him that it is his job to get you in the mood. Give him some concrete suggestions. Eg "ok, how about you take DC all Saturday afternoon so I can catch up on sleep, and you then cook a romantic dinner after you put DC to bed, and then I might feel sexy and loving and like I want sex afterwards. No women - let alone an exhausted one - is attracted by a whinging sex pest".

He’s being a idiot

I just cannot believe - not just on this thread but many others the last few days - how unenlightened so many men still seem to be. He has so much to gain by engaging with being a father, housework and family life, but decides instead it is all about him. Shocked and dismayed here, continuously.

We are currently months into a dry spell. The kids just don't sleep. I'm always knackered. I'm anemic, I have bad periods and suffer hormonal headaches. So I honestly understand. Life changes when you have kids.