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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH moaning about sex

121 replies

cherrybalms · 16/08/2020 16:35

I have a 9 month old baby with partner. he is an awful sleeper (baby that is lol) and I havent had a full night sleep since he was born which is the norm of course. I have accepted this and the fact I'm going to be tired for a while until he settles down or until I stop breastfeeding him at night etc. anyway, as you can imagine I am exhausted. I suffer with tension headaches a lot because of the lack of sleep.

my partner will not stop complaining about our lack of sex life atm. I get people have needs and im sympathetic to that but a lot of the time when baby goes to bed I just want to get an early night and go to sleep. we do have sex but admittedly a few weeks might go by in between. it's really starting to cause issues now though. we cant have a conversation without it somehow ending up back to that. he made a comment yesterday about not remembering what sex was, and these comments are increasing. I'm not sure how to handle this but its making me feel shit about myself on top of how shit I already feel with the headaches and sleep deprivation. I've tried pointing out it wont be like this forever and we will get nights off when he gets to stay with his nans when hes a bit older but the sighs and sarky comments are still coming. could really do without it :( anyone else? what did you do!

OP posts:

SoulofanAggron · 16/08/2020 20:30

^Women {quite rightly} may not feel like sex when suffering stitches &c
Men just cannot realise this.^

Yes, they can, it's not rocket science or a difficult concept for anyone.

LJenn · 16/08/2020 20:31

Listen.. it's his baby too, remember that. Oh god love him he'll be too tired to do his job.. (eyeroll) 😂 he has another job you know, it's called husband, others call it partner. He has a duty to help out more when the other is crying out. Having a young baby is such a blessing but I'm no even going to lie.. my Jesus is it shit?!😅😅. The lack of sleep is a KILLER. I feel for you.

Tell him you do actually WANT to have sex again but your sex drive has been killed by exhaustion. (Sometimes you have to spell it out for them😖) He has to meet you in the middle here. More sleep for mum = happier mum. Happier mum, healthier mum.. you get where I'm going with this. Men are so clueless sometimes. They genuinely don't get how it feels to be in such demand 24/7. Can I ask OP... does baby sleep much during the day? If so, you NEED to start getting some sleep yourself. Be good to YOU💖💖. Express the night feeds in to bottles. And let HIM take the one in the middle of the night. X

MandosHatHair · 16/08/2020 20:32

Even if he did a bit of the night stuff now, he would expect sex virtually immediately, when it'll take a while to feel less knackered.

He probably will! If he does suddenly start taking care of the baby for a couple of nights a week or you get your nights in a hotel, please don't feel like you 'owe' him anything in return. He needs to do these things because he is a partner and father, not just because he wants to get laid. His behaviour over the last few months is going to take a lot of undoing.

PishPashPop · 16/08/2020 20:33

Can you afford to book your baby into nursery for one day a week?

I did this when DS was 18 months old as I just couldn't cope with the exhaustion anymore and I wish to god I'd of done it when he was a baby. It was well worth the money to have a full 6 hours once a week to catch up on my sleep and know he was in good hands

Your DP sounds very entitled....if hes that frustrated surely he can sort himself out!!! I'd tell him exactly what PP have said about does he think whinging will make you want to jump in bed with him!

Sakura03 · 16/08/2020 20:37

I sympathise OP. I breastfed my ds and he was an awful sleeper! You partner sounds very much like my Ds’ father and now ex. I did everything, when my ds was 8 months old I returned to full time work and naively thought we could each have a lie in on the weekends and that he’d help out more but no. The constant sarky comments about lack of sex made me lose respect for him and I ended it. I went cold turkey with the night feeding (ds was definitely using me for comfort) when ds was 15 months old, I went to stay at my mums for a week and I think my ds was ready as it was so easy!
Tell your dp exactly how you feel and if he doesn’t get it then I would urge you to seriously consider leaving him.

Graphista · 16/08/2020 20:47

sex with someone who doesnt really want to do it is one step away from rape.

No it’s not - it IS rape!

Such behaviour as op is dealing with is abusive.

Quite honestly I’d be leaving the twat!

My ex has many faults but he would NEVER have behaved like this.

I bf too for the first 9/10 months, he had a full on job (army - and in his role he also really needed his wits about him!) but he still stepped up, did night wakings (he would fetch me a drink, change dds nappy after while I redressed myself, cleaned up if necessary), did weekend mornings so I’d get a lie in, exercised weekday mornings using dd as a “weight” (she loved this!) so I could get a shower in peace...

This is NOT how a decent, kind, engaged FATHER behaves op

You could do all the things pp are suggesting from the bland (talk to him) to the ridiculous but highly amusing (taser to the testicles!) but ultimately this is who he is and frankly you AND dc are better off without him.

Fucks sake he’s a labourer?! Hardly high stakes! My ex was an army engineer! Specifically in a (hopes people understand the hint) a VERY high stakes role on occasions which required high stakes training too!

Yours has NO excuse in comparison!

Seriously - and I don’t care that some on mn think Ltb is said too readily - but I would say this guy is unlikely to improve so cut your losses!

As a SLIGHT aside - I hope you have your contraception water tight and not dependent on him? Remember bf is not contraception.

Feminist10101 · 16/08/2020 20:53

My DH was only at home for 40 hours per week and managed to do more night feeds than your DH, OP!

frolicmum · 16/08/2020 20:57

That's really sad, you poor thing. I have no suggestion but mjne was so understanding, we had sex once after 6 months, then maybe like once every 2 months until he slept though. He's now 18 months and we have a great sex life again. I was surprised myself how well we rekindled our love and that side of our relationship.

I actually talked to my NCT mums about this when we all got drunk and it's the same for most of them.

I just didn't feel like it whilst I was breastfeeding, I can't explain it.

mathanxiety · 16/08/2020 21:08

he made a comment yesterday about not remembering what sex was, and these comments are increasing.

@cherrybalms
Tell him you can't remember what feeling rested and energetic and carefree is like. Ask him to describe that for you since he is a lot more familiar with the concept than you are...

I agree with those who say that even if he ups his cooking and cleaning and grocery list and shopping game significantly, it will rebound on the OP because he will feel even more entitled to sex, as a reward.

This is a problem of entitlement, not mismatched sex drives or a case of a moronic man not understanding what it might be to have stitches .

OP, you have a partner who does not understand that both partners have to be enthusiastic in order to class it as sex, as opposed to rape.

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2020 21:15

As a matter of interest, does he pull his weight around the home? Does he do at least his fair share?

Does he look after you whilst you're feeding his child? Cook? Bring you drinks?

Abouttimemum · 16/08/2020 21:27

This is ridiculous. He needs to do his share of nights and you need a full night’s sleep.
There is absolutely no reason why this shouldn’t be happening.

Reassuranceneeded14 · 16/08/2020 21:34

Gosh..I’m only 5 weeks PP with a EBF baby..the idea someone pestering me after a full night of an unsettled baby/night feeds would trigger some serious rage. I can’t even sneeze without leaking milk, let alone think about sex. No advice sadly, but a PP suggestion of a hotel and leaving him with baby does sound like a verrrryyyy good suggestion! :D

Nellylou · 16/08/2020 21:45

He needs to pull his weight and help.. it's his baby too.. having a job Is no excuse at all.. he needs to step up and have baby so you can sleep.. no wonder you feel so low you are beyond exhausted.. my husband did most of the night feeds when we had our children so I could rest.. I had baby all day which is exhausting..he was a godsend.. I don't understand why some men don't help their wives/ partners ..

RLOU30 · 16/08/2020 22:11

My partner was in construction. He shared all night feeds even when I was breastfeeding he would get up to offer a hand. Every day off he had he let me rest and I don’t remember him pressuring me at all into sex although my son had colic etc and we were both exhausted
He has his faults that’s for sure but thE man you describe isn’t the norm, he sounds like a selfish tosser to be blunt and I hope one day you find better. Take care OP

BrassyLocks · 16/08/2020 22:43

@Missteebeee

Being pestered for sex is an absolute passion killer

It killed my marriage totally and I’ve now been single (and much happier) for 5 years

Hear hear.

Angelina82 · 16/08/2020 23:12

Tell him to have a wank like the wanker he is and when you’re up with the baby at night put the lights on full blast and make as much noise as possible so he gets to experience what bring tired feels like.

gamerchick · 16/08/2020 23:18

@Feminist10101

Express milk. Book 2 nights in a hotel.

Leave baby with dad.

That ought to do it.

Out of interest. What was it like when you pumped enough milk to last 2 nights as well as nursing and then how did you manage the engorged mega uncomfortable thing and leakage when away for those 2 nights? How did you manage to swing from the light and not feel that boob pain while tending to your blokes sexual needs?

gamerchick · 16/08/2020 23:19

Apologies. Cut the last sentence off.

Feminist10101 · 16/08/2020 23:23

@gamerchick another one who can’t read. There were only 3 lines and the second made it pretty clear.

The hotel room is FOR HER.

Her husband gets to stay at home with the baby and understand what life is like for his wife. (As per the second line.)

(As it happens I expressed all of my DC’s milk for a year. At 9 months feeding should be well established and it wouldn’t take too long to pump enough bottles for a couple of days.)

And under my model, she takes the pump with her and her bloke stops nagging. Whether she wants to “attend to his needs” at any time in the future is entirely up to her.

LannieDuck · 16/08/2020 23:25

Ignore the sex thing for now, and deal with the sleep first.

No reason at all that he can't do Fri/Sat nights.
He can also do every evening (bath/bed) and every early morning - my DH used to get up at 5am and take the baby.

Tell him to step up, give you a few weeks to reset your exhaustion levels... and then you'll see how you feel.

gamerchick · 16/08/2020 23:27

Aye I know. I did say sorry man, jeez

Not everyone can pump at that age. I certainly couldn't, as well as nurse during it and then going away at 9 months for a few days. If you did and not nurse, suggesting it, won't work for a nursing from the breast mother.

I do agree with leaving him the baby for a bit though. Although personally I'd be telling him to fuck off with his pestering and have a wank.

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