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Original poster

OH moaning about sex

121 replies

cherrybalms · 16/08/2020 16:35

I have a 9 month old baby with partner. he is an awful sleeper (baby that is lol) and I havent had a full night sleep since he was born which is the norm of course. I have accepted this and the fact I'm going to be tired for a while until he settles down or until I stop breastfeeding him at night etc. anyway, as you can imagine I am exhausted. I suffer with tension headaches a lot because of the lack of sleep.

my partner will not stop complaining about our lack of sex life atm. I get people have needs and im sympathetic to that but a lot of the time when baby goes to bed I just want to get an early night and go to sleep. we do have sex but admittedly a few weeks might go by in between. it's really starting to cause issues now though. we cant have a conversation without it somehow ending up back to that. he made a comment yesterday about not remembering what sex was, and these comments are increasing. I'm not sure how to handle this but its making me feel shit about myself on top of how shit I already feel with the headaches and sleep deprivation. I've tried pointing out it wont be like this forever and we will get nights off when he gets to stay with his nans when hes a bit older but the sighs and sarky comments are still coming. could really do without it :( anyone else? what did you do!

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 16/08/2020 20:08

Sadly men complain loads about lack of sex after wives/Partners have babies...
It was ever thus, and always will be.

Women {quite rightly} may not feel like sex when suffering stitches &c

Men just cannot realise this.

A depressing amount can be unfaithful at this stage.

No easy answers..Sex drives in men can be very high compared to the woman...I have had male colleagues moan, and one even slammed his pay check on the table and said 'I'd give a woman that, just to dip my wick''

I was astounded.

He did actually have an affair, but regretted it {almost immediately }..his DP kicked him out. {good for her}

Men seem to be pogoing off walls, at least younger ones...

No easy answers.

Original poster
cherrybalms · 16/08/2020 20:08

it feels good to be able to offload. I hadnt realised how exhausted and feeling like the world was on my shoulders until recently. I just feel mentally and physically exhausted. I have no patience atm. my baby fights sleep every night, which is so frustrating so we dont get time to anyway. was really hoping for an early night but looks unlikely! might give baby to him and see if he has any luck. feeling really quite low now and I'm panicking about my return to work in a couple of months. things can only get better I hope

OP posts:
WeirdlyOdd · 16/08/2020 20:09

Your health and recovery is more important than his whinging.

Why on earth isn't he taking some responsibility for his child? Options are:

  • You express milk and he takes over nights, at least every Friday and Saturday, so you can have a break and a full night's sleep.
  • You express milk and go off to a hotel for a few night's rest, leaving him to deal.
  • If you can't express, or bottle feed, then how about at least half the nights in the week, you feed and it's his job to do the burping, changing and settling in the night, so you can go straight back to sleep after feeding.
  • He should also be looking after the baby so you can have a lovely long nap at weekends, as well as preparing some of the meals and leaving you with healthy nutritious meals you can easily eat during the day to keep your calories up.
Fuccia · 16/08/2020 20:09

People telling you to book a hotel room to satisfy your DH are part of the problem.

You do not owe sex to anyone. Not even your husband. It is your body and this expectation that once you're married you have some sort of responsibility to have sex is damaging to women.

Your DH needs to learn to masturbate? If he takes the pressure off you you'll probably be more in the mood much more and he'll likely get more sex. If he continues like this, tell him you won't find him attractive anymore because it's true: his behaviour is very unattractive.

If he cares about you, he should be trying to let you sleep through weekends and do the night feedings then. And not because he might get sex, but because he sees that you NEED more sleep.

Hope he sees sense, OP!

Original poster
cherrybalms · 16/08/2020 20:10

tbh, it's got to the point now where I'm not even sure it would bother me if he cheated. I've honestly disconnected that much and feel that pissed off/low/exhausted I just dont think I'd have the mental capacity to care really

OP posts:
Hyperfish101 · 16/08/2020 20:10

Ugh. It’s physically overwhelming having a young baby, tell him to sod off. He’s being really unsupportive.

oakleaffy · 16/08/2020 20:10

P.S I did say to the Paycheck slamming bloke that saying things like ''I'd give a woman that, just to dip my wick'' isn't the way to woo any woman..Least of all his wife.

BlueJava · 16/08/2020 20:11

Could your partner take a full night and see to baby one night a week whilst you sleep and have a lie in? If you breastfeed could you express and leave him with the milk? That way you get one good night a week, he also gets to understand how bad the lack of sleep can be! I know you said his job is dangerous, but if he works Mon - Fri maybe he could do Fri night so can be ok by Mon?

Feminist10101 · 16/08/2020 20:12

People telling you to book a hotel room to satisfy your DH are part of the problem.

Do you want to read the posts again. The room is for the OP, not the husband. Wink

Cobblersgal1 · 16/08/2020 20:14

Room for her to sleep not satisfy him!!! No way Jose!

NellGwynsPenguin · 16/08/2020 20:15

@Fuccia if you read the post, it’s so she can have a stay in the hotel, not that he comes too!

He gets to mind the baby at home, while she has two nights in the hotel, alone for sleeping, uninterrupted baths and room service .

Fuccia · 16/08/2020 20:15

Feminist10101, ooh sorry I misread them! Glad that's not what they meant!

Karwomannghia · 16/08/2020 20:15

How about if you said ok, you get up with him so I can have a proper lie in (ie several hours) whilst you feed play etc with ds, tidy round and get him down for a nap and then you I might feel like having sex with you whilst he has his nap.

oakleaffy · 16/08/2020 20:15

@cherrybalms

I remember feeling so exhausted after DS was born...Fatigued to the point of being too tired to sleep.

It was like being in a permanent haze. Not good, and the last thing one feels like is sex...
An early night with cocoa is more like it....and the fantasy of 8 hours uninterrupted sleep.....

Flowers
Missteebeee · 16/08/2020 20:16

Being pestered for sex is an absolute passion killer

It killed my marriage totally and I’ve now been single (and much happier) for 5 years

NellGwynsPenguin · 16/08/2020 20:16

X posts!

I’d love two nights in a hotel, alone, and my youngest is 16.

randomchap · 16/08/2020 20:18

Tell him to have a wank

oakleaffy · 16/08/2020 20:19

@randomchap

Tell him to have a wank
I bet he does that already...
Original poster
cherrybalms · 16/08/2020 20:20

his jobs not actually dangerous particularly, hes a labourer Hmm my job is probably more dangerous as I have a long commute so will be behind the wheel of a car for that long. that's just what he said - that it's dangerous for him to be tired at work. like I said I guess the one good thing is if it does kill our relationship atleast I'll be too tired to care.

aware I'm sounding like I feel sorry for myself but I'm just so knackered

OP posts:
BubblyBarbara · 16/08/2020 20:22

So you tell him he has a choice; he can do 50% of the night wakings every week, or accept the fact that sex is off the table

Hmm no. That is explicitly turning sex into a “you do this, you do that” trade and there is a name for people who trade sex. Tell him to grow up and put up with it for a while.

Teddybear27 · 16/08/2020 20:23

I am sorry but your partner seems to be very selfish!! You have just give him this amazing baby. What are you a bloody robot?! I think your other half needs to start stepping up to the plate a bit and doing more. Get him to help out with the baby more and don'let him give you all this crp about he needs his rest for his job?!! YOU also need your sleep to look after both of them. Let him be more hands on at 3am! I totally agree with the other post that says book a stay in a hotel for a couple of nights and let him deal with your baby. If it was me I would tell him to pss *ff. Cheeky git!!!

SimplySteveRedux · 16/08/2020 20:24

I detest behaviour like this. You could buy a massive metal dildo for him and offer to ram it.

SandMason · 16/08/2020 20:26

What you are doing for your baby by being there for him with comfort and nourishment throughout the night will stay with him for life. It will hard-wire his brain to know he can count on you, always. Nighttime parenting is just as important as daytime parenting, if not more so because of how vulnerable we are when half asleep. You’re doing an incredible thing for your son.

If your partner can take him for periods during the day to let you catch a bit of sleep that would help. If he can take the burden off you in other ways to give you the strength for your night shift he’ll be doing something great for you and his son.

Not sure what to say about the sex issue except try to divorce it from your self esteem. You’re so much more than that.

Clymene · 16/08/2020 20:28

If he work M-F, give him the baby with bottles of breast milk Friday and Saturday night. Then you'll be lovely and rested and might fancy sex on Sunday.

There is nothing that makes women's thighs clamp together quicker than doing all the work for a baby who was a joint enterprise and men moaning that they're no longer getting any attention.

Honestly, he just needs to grow the fuck up.

oakleaffy · 16/08/2020 20:28

@cherrybalms
The exhaustion I remember as being grim.

Have you been for a medical check up tp make sure your vitamin Dm Thyroid hormones &c are all ok??

To be so shattered at 9 months surely isn't usual {unless emotional upsets are having an effect}...

It WILL get better. Speak to your GP..?

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