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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I can save my marriage after infidelity(mine)?

257 replies

Shehz21 · 16/08/2020 10:37

I'm posting here for traffic and want to get opinions/read about experiences from anyone who has cheated in their marriage.

I have cheated on DH who I've been married to for 4 years during lockdown. I have always been the exemplary wife, mother(we have a 3 year old DD) and everyone always looked up to us as being the ideal couple. I started feeling extremely lonely during lockdown and think I got caught up in the whole "new man giving attention to me" situation. I extremely regret and came clean to my husband few days ago about the emotional side of the relationship and the next day he spoke to OM and OM told him about the physical side of it. DH is totally broken as he genuinely loved and cared about me so much. He says he can never trust or love me again and staying in this marriage will only make me miserable as he won't be able to be the old him again. I really want to save my marriage and need to know whether it is possible to survive this together? Will he ever be able to love me again? Is there anything I can do from my side to bring that love out of him again?
The affair lasted 4 months and ended because I was feeling extremely guilty about cheating on DH which is why I came clean to him the same day I ended the affair. Only thing is I failed to tell him about the times I slept with OM and he had to hear it from him. Can anyone who has been through this situation help me please or share your thoughts/experiences?

OP posts:
ForgivenFool · 16/08/2020 12:39

Oh, and it came out in dribs and drabs over two days. First I admitted to the messages, then sleeping together once, then sleeping together twice. I don't know why, I just chorley se to admit to it all in one go. I understand it was hard to be completely honest, as I've been there, but I agree that hasn't helped your case.

runningonemptyfulloflove · 16/08/2020 12:41

If you didn't actually tell DH about the physical side, and OM had to, I don't even really think you are that sorry or want to work on relationship that much 🤷🏼‍♀️ I would say the length of affair and fact you didn't really come clean, mean it'll be very hard to salvage

SirVixofVixHall · 16/08/2020 12:41

I think sometimes the guilty party confesses to feel better, and in doing so makes everyone else feel terrible, when if they had lived with the guilt, learned their lesson, and never cheated again, then maybe that would have been better for everyone.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/08/2020 12:42

@MiddleClassProblem

From other threads it seems OP was WFH (as she is vulnerable!) and DH is a key worker.
With the DD at home.

That would be unforgivable if he was coming to the house whilst children were there.

BeingLonely · 16/08/2020 12:43

It depends on your husband.

You need to discuss the reason why you cheated. Maybe try marriage counselling. You need to give him the space and time to see what he wants without you trying to influence him.

Some relationships can survive

MiddleClassProblem · 16/08/2020 12:45

@VettiyaIruken

So it's likely the other bloke whizzed round for a shag the minute her husband left for work.

Classy.

With their 3 year old in the house? That’s fucking up the kid too. Exemplary mother (whatever that is) comment makes me think she wouldn’t do that. I hope.
MiddleClassProblem · 16/08/2020 12:46

X post with @IceCreamAndCandyfloss

rwalker · 16/08/2020 12:51

I'm guessing it must be raining and people are board and cheering themselves up by by giving someone a kicking .

Why do people feel the need to be twats keep your options to yourself

Silentplikebath · 16/08/2020 12:54

It’s up to your husband to decide what happens now. My advice is that you need to give him space to think about everything because he’s had a terrible shock.

If he chooses to end the marriage you need to accept this and behave with dignity towards him.

DysonDiva · 16/08/2020 12:54
Hmm
InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 16/08/2020 12:54

@rwalker

I think poster know she's in the wrong and wanted some advice . I don't get why people feel the need to give her a kicking and slag here off .

Move to another thread if you can't offer advice and just want to leave twaty comments .

People can move on and get over this but it's a minority, everything will be so raw for DH and it will have to come from him but if you are able to move on you both have to commit to drawing a line under you can't keep raking it up .

Typical MN double standards. Read any thread where it's the man who cheated, it's head on plate stuff. But one thing is always clear, that's the cheating party needs to respect whatever decision the other party makes, and in this case, he's found being lied to over and over unforgivable and doesn't want the marriage to continue at present.
VinylDetective · 16/08/2020 12:56

@SirVixofVixHall

I think sometimes the guilty party confesses to feel better, and in doing so makes everyone else feel terrible, when if they had lived with the guilt, learned their lesson, and never cheated again, then maybe that would have been better for everyone.
I agree completely with this.
NoGinNotComingIn · 16/08/2020 12:57

You'd be out on your arse, I don't blame him for saying he can't trust or love you again, he's dam right not to! "Exemplary wife" 😂😂 yeah you are shagging another man, urgh. Not to mention in the middle of a pandemic and national lockdown...

No sympathy.

Phoebesgift · 16/08/2020 12:58

Sorry, I think you've completely ruined your marriage and he'd be mad to ever trust you again.

SentientAndCognisant · 16/08/2020 13:00

When your family and husband needed you most,you were being fucked & flattered
At point of disclosure you still weren’t honest. Dh had to hear the extent of the sexual activity from the other man. You purposefully didn’t tell your dh
I can’t fathom the actual mechanics of it? During lockdown You must have gone to the fancy man’s house?
At the moment We are all struggling emotionally,physically.Everyone is anxious because of covid

Bakerstreet2991 · 16/08/2020 13:01

You have made it much harder to come back from this by not being truthful about the physical aspect. He should have heard that from you, not the OM. If I were him I'd be thinking you took the easy route by only admitting to what YOU were prepared to accept the consequences for at the time. You need to stop protecting yourself.

The thing about affairs is that they are temporary for the person committing them, but they break and burn an entire lifetime of trust and happiness for the person left on the other side. You may have to accept he will never look at you the same way again.

If you stand a chance at saving your marriage, you must never try to explain away what you did. You need to hold your hands up and be prepared to apologise again and again and again for breaking his trust. You will need to prepare for a future of having it thrown back in your face every time you argue, snide digs every time he feels resentful or insecure. You will need to willingly sacrifice your privacy (phone, texts, social media passwords etc), until he feels he can trust you again, if that day ever comes. You must be prepared to suggest couples counselling and be there, engaged and on time for every single appointment. And ask him what he needs, what it will take, and listen.

I have to say though, if it were my DH, I couldn't forgive it, as much as I might want to. It wouldn't stop me loving him and I think my heart would want to fight to make my marriage work again, but my head would tell me that a future spent second-guessing his fidelity is no way to live, and sadly I think that may be the truth for most people.

dontgiveupyet2 · 16/08/2020 13:09

I was in a similar situation, totally out of character for me, I've been married a long time.

I'm still with DH and it's not easy but offering encouragement to you OP.

GuiltyBark · 16/08/2020 13:11

Thing is if you cheated once you may cheat again, given another stressful situation, especially as you crumbled fairly early into marriage. Its horrible to divorce trust me I know but do you really want to be with your husband, or are you just remorseful to lose the stability?

It'll be up to him if you deserve a second chance. Humans do fuck up. If you are sincere make your case and then leave it to him to decide what happens.

PinkiOcelot · 16/08/2020 13:16

@rwalker you do realise this is AIBU right?!!

Where’s the OP?!!

luckylavender · 16/08/2020 13:19

I don't think you can, but it's up to your husband, not you and not some strangers on the internet.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/08/2020 13:22

Two things you said in your OP @Shehz21 that are niggling me.

"I started feeling extremely lonely during lockdown and think I got caught up in the whole "new man giving attention to me" situation."
Why were you lonely? And did it stat during lockdown or was lockdown the situation that forced you to see that you were already lonely?

Where was your husband when all this was happening? And since lockdown restricts who you meet, how did you meet OM? Was he already known to you? What was the (supposed) relationship that allowed you to meet unnoticed ? (Because everyone was curtain twitching at the start of lockdown.)

"He says he can never trust or love me again and staying in this marriage will only make me miserable as he won't be able to be the old him again."
Would you want him to be the old him again? Given that you felt lonely with the old him? Why does he think you'd be miserable if he can't be the old him? Why would a new him be less attractive than the old him, or (to be brutal) the OM?

QuacksInTheDark · 16/08/2020 13:23

It’s all about you isn’t it? You wanted to offload your guilt so you told him about the affair with no thought about how much you’d hurt him. Then you lied about shagging the bloke! Now it’s all about what you want and your needs. Fuck that. You need to shut up and let him decide what he wants now, you’ve ripped his world apart and now it’s up to him how he puts it back together, it’s not about you. Stop being so bloody selfish.

GeorgiaWeLoveYou · 16/08/2020 13:27

What you've done is unforgiveable and if I was your DH, that would be it.

If it had been a one night stand, maybe he could move on from that but repeatedly sleeping with another man is complete betrayal.

Lweji · 16/08/2020 13:27

If he asked you if it was physical and you said no, then I don't see how you can salvage it.

The first thing, though, would be for you to be very honest about really wanting to salvage it and why.

Yeahnahmum · 16/08/2020 13:29

Four months. ... jeez i hope he is packing his bags.
I would have ended my marriage for sure op

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