Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hand my children over to their father?

150 replies

Montague01 · 16/08/2020 09:01

I’am tired, I cannot keep fighting him because he won’t work with me and plays dirty using the kids emotions. I’ve had front row seats for 7 years and I can’t watch any more. I’am so so tired. I wouldn’t even win against him in court so I might as well just hand them over and walk away.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

OP posts:
Bereft2020 · 16/08/2020 09:02

Why don’t you think you would win in court?

PurpleDaisies · 16/08/2020 09:03

Are you talking about shared custody or giving them up permanently?

What makes you think the court wouldn’t give you custody?

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 09:04

Because I’ll never get them to decide he should only have supervised access. He is too good at hiding his manipulation.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/08/2020 09:06

Him getting unsupervised access is better than him having them permanently though?

breatheinskipthegym · 16/08/2020 09:08

My exH made me feel like that. We went to court. He made up lies that I’d been holding orgies at home while the children were there, that I’d been snorting coke - claimed he had photo and video evidence even! A court reporter (Scotland) was assigned and saw right through him - she had the right insight to ask the right people the right questions, as you’d expect given her job. He now has access with the children for half the school holidays. In most cases he collects them from school and returns them there. I practice the grey rock technique with him in between times.

Please don’t believe that you are who he paints you to be, or that he has ultimate control or is some sort of all-powerful force. I thought the same until I involved the courts. Your children need you to advocate for them.

Runnerduck34 · 16/08/2020 09:08

Please don't give up, I can hear the desperation in your voice and it must be so hard and completely emotionally draining, is there anyone you can turn to for support? Friends or family?I would also go to GP and perhaps have counselling and anti depressants. I have felt at rock bottom when my DD was seriously ill, the anti depressants took the edge off everything and made me calmer and stronger ,more able to cope. They arent a magic pill to take problems away but can help you face them.
Your ex sounds awful, I'm sure you are a great mum and your DC love you very much. Try as much as possible not to engage with ex and his games ,take a step back and continue to love and raise your DC.
Im sure there will be people along soon how have been through similar and can give advice, be kind to yourself 💐

Waxonwaxoff0 · 16/08/2020 09:09

Is there a reason you want him to have supervised access? Is he abusive to them?

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 09:11

No, I can’t trust unsupervised access. In the last 6 months he’s lost our child with Down Syndrome three times in busy places for 10-15 mins. I have had to hear about this from siblings. They now count all the places dad has lost their sibling.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/08/2020 09:12

But how is unsupervised access worse than what you’re talking about-giving them to him all the tine?

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 09:12

My eldest was referred to CAMHS and seen inside a couple of months for the distress he put her through, she was having nightmares and said she didn’t want to be here anymore. I took legal advice but they said it wasn’t enough to deny him contact.

OP posts:
AutumnLeavesSeptember · 16/08/2020 09:13

Oh dear God. That sounds like really clear evidence for the courts. Thanksfor you, you sound so tired.

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 09:13

Because I would be free. I could disappear and bury my head and start a new life. Selfish, yes, but I can’t live never knowing if they will come back and knowing he’ll blame me.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 16/08/2020 09:14

Speak to a solicitor. My friend was in a similar position and felt that as her ex was clever and manipulative she’d never win. Her solicitor was amazing; he’d seen it all before. She won. For your dc sake, let the courts deal with it. Wishing you all the best Flowers

PurpleDaisies · 16/08/2020 09:14

It sounds like you’d have a very good case for supervised access anyway.

Just try and remember the more time they’re with you the more stability and good parenting they’ll get. If you give up it will be worse for them.

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 09:15

I can’t afford legal help.

OP posts:
Colabottles64 · 16/08/2020 09:22

You won't be able to simply turn off the worry and love you clearly have for your kids if you let their father have sole charge; you know this. You cannot really run away from this.

You sound worn out and worn down; you need to focus first and foremost on you. You're putting a lot of energy into worrying about the kids understandably, but he hasn't just had an impact on them. Get support for yourself please; talk to your GP, get support for emotional abuse, seek counselling.

Do put yourself first, your instincts that you need to do that are right. Just don't cut off your kids and create even more problems for yourself ultimately.

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 09:27

I’ve had counselling, had medication. None of it works. I just want to run and never look back. He’s too good at hiding it. He’s telling them now that’s got them for Christmas and I’ve agreed. I haven’t, but he’s using them to get what he wants. They’ve never had Christmas with him, and he’s always been invited to ours so he could see them. He’s excluding me completely. I can’t fight that. He just keeps getting his way.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 16/08/2020 09:29

How old are they? They cant start giving their viewpoint about what happens.

I am so sorry for how awful this is OP but you know now the only way for them is to fight

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 09:31

Eldest is 12. He uses manipulation on the others because it’s easier to get me to give in to them when he’s already got them hyped up.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/08/2020 09:38

Is there anyone you trust who can look after the children while you have a break and get some perspective back?

You really don’t want to give up your children.

Thinking about Christmas, the way he has done it is totally wrong but is it really worth fighting over? If he has never had them, maybe it is is turn and for your own sake, perhaps just accepting that one might be better?

Wynston · 16/08/2020 09:41

Op I have nothing to say that will make this all ok but I just needed to reach out and say I am thinking of you x

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 09:44

It’s not that. It’s the excluding me when I’ve never excluded him. And yes, I think the emotional manipulation should be challenged. I just have the energy and more and more I wish this wasn’t my problem anymore. Yes, I do wish I could give them up, just so at least I could do what he has done and live my life with it all being someone else’s problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 09:44

He’s just vicious and nasty and I don’t have the energy to waste my life anymore.

OP posts:
IsaLain · 16/08/2020 09:44

It's really very normal for split up parents to alternate Christmas. Dont choose that hill to die on.

If you have real concerns (and it sounds like you really do) rather than "he wants to have them for xmas this year" then you need to speak to a solicitor. See if you qualify for legal aid.

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 09:46

Straw that broke the camels back is the thing about Xmas. Really please don’t make me feel unreasonable for feeling bad about that. He can’t just decide it’s his turn when that has never been the arrangement surely? And use the children to accomplish that.

OP posts: