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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hand my children over to their father?

150 replies

Montague01 · 16/08/2020 09:01

I’am tired, I cannot keep fighting him because he won’t work with me and plays dirty using the kids emotions. I’ve had front row seats for 7 years and I can’t watch any more. I’am so so tired. I wouldn’t even win against him in court so I might as well just hand them over and walk away.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

OP posts:
impossiblenottodo · 16/08/2020 13:41

OP, why can't you go to mediation? I think it could be worth a try.

The idea that mediation doesn't work if there is abuse it based on some ideal that does not reflect the reality of family courts. Is it not advised - or is it actually not allowed?

Realistically.... you would need some very robust evidence for him to have no contact whatsoever. On the basis there will be contact, perhaps try mediation just specifically around contact.

In my opinion you need to face this with a huge dose of pragmatism... I'd be thinking, he has every other weekend, he is in their lives (and therefore in yours - but to a lesser extent), how can I make that work as best as possible? Going through a "parenting plan" document could help formalise things. Once formalised the potential for contact conflict/stress could be reduced.

Separate to that identify what the biggest issues are....and what can you do to manage those, what can you not change...?

Eg, do you have tips for keeping the youngest safe? Does older DD have any other adults she can talk to who might be able to help her think things through? Eg favourite teacher. Does she have a plan if she is feeling low at her Dads? Calling a friend to say hi etc.

If your counsellor is still practicing might she be willing to meet you for a one off or one/two sessions that you can make quite focused? It doesn't need to be in depth therapy - could still be useful.

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 13:45

I would happily do mediation, but I doubt he would. He wouldn’t want to be told at any point he was not handling things well or being unreasonable. He also hates talking in any way.

We did an official parenting plan. It didn’t help any thing.

He won’t listen to tips from me.

She has people to talk to, he takes her phone as a consequence if she’s upset and calls me.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 16/08/2020 13:46

Honestly, I’ve checked, there is no help available in our case

What?

Do you get DLA/PIP? If so, I don't understand how you're not eligible for Short Breaks from the local authority. You say your DC needs constant supervision so I can't understand how your DLA award would be under the threshold.

Do you receive Direct Payments from the council, OP? If not, you should and this will help to ease some of the pressure on you.

What help do the council provide to you?

dairyfairies · 16/08/2020 13:52

Do you get DLA/PIP? If so, I don't understand how you're not eligible for Short Breaks from the local authority.

getting DLA and getting respite have nothing to do with each other.

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 13:52

I have no help from the council. He gets DLA and I get CA. He attends mainstream school, but does need adult support at all times at home and school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 13:55

Just looked up direct payments, I don’t think we can apply as it says social services need to state that you need care services. DC doesn’t as I care for him.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 16/08/2020 13:57

getting DLA and getting respite have nothing to do with each other

Apologies - that's the criteria for our borough so I assumed it was a statutory threshold, but appreciate it might not be the same elsewhere.

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 14:00

I have also looked up short breaks though, which I didn’t know about and may be useful. Made a note of the contact details. Thank you Longines

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 16/08/2020 14:03

Just looked up direct payments, I don’t think we can apply as it says social services need to state that you need care services. DC doesn’t as I care for him

You're his carer then, OP - he still has care needs as a disabled person, regardless of whether they're being met by a family member.

Direct payments are for when they're eligible for statutory social care support - we get them and I'm my DCs' carer.

If you ask the council to assess DC's needs (and yours as his carer), they will assess whether you're eligible for support. I can't imagine you wouldn't be, in your situation, tbh.

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 14:10

If it’s not too personal a question may I ask what you use it for? It says it goes on specific things like carers or short breaks but we’ve never needed to access things like that. So even if we were eligible I’d have no idea what to use the money for!

OP posts:
MitziK · 16/08/2020 14:11

Literally abandoning your children isn't going to be the best for them though, is it?

LonginesPrime · 16/08/2020 14:11

No worries, OP!

It's so frustrating that no-one flags this stuff to parents of disabled children - I had no idea all this support was available until the last few years - it would have changed our lives had someone actually told us we might be eligible (I'd naively assumed we'd know about it if we were eligible), but it's only once you reach crisis point that people say "oh, haven't you applied for this?" and you realise all this support is out there and that's how everyone else is coping!

LonginesPrime · 16/08/2020 14:21

even if we were eligible I’d have no idea what to use the money for

I know exactly what you mean - I often feel it's like Rumplestiltskin with the council and you can only get help from them once you've identified what help they can actually provide that you need!

It's different in lockdown, obviously (our council temporarily changed the short breaks payment to being able to be spent on games at home instead) but usually direct payments would fund things like social activities, going swimming, they can pay for a carer to take DC out or do an activity at home so you can go out, some carers get things like gym membership or a cleaner, they can send an extra adult on a family day out to ease the stress, all sorts of things, depending on what they identify your needs as being.

I'm currently pushing for them to fund my counselling when my current subsidised package ends (but the jury's out on that one!) as I feel I need this to survive in my caring role.

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 14:25

Oh wow, I think we’d have enough evidence to help with social needs definitely. There’s lots I’d love to do with him but can’t as I have the others and his social interaction is in all his reports as being incredibly important as he thrives on being sociable.

OP posts:
Chumbaw · 16/08/2020 14:26

You sound at your wits end. I'm sorry because it sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place.

I'm in a similar position - the children's father currently has limited supervised access but the Court has signalled it intends to move towards unsupervised contact, slowly. Being legally found to be emotionally and physically abusive appears to be no bar to accessing innocent children.

It is devestating when you know what that person is capable of and has done, and likely will continue to do. They will use their own children to try and damage you. The level of hatred they must have to do that still shocks me, especially when it was once great love. Controlling people will hold on to any strings at any cost though.

It seems archaic that a parent will be given access to a child almost no matter what they've done re abuse. Is the long term damage to the child of no contact truly worse than them being tormented and used? I really don't know the answer amd wish someone would explain this one to me because it seems crackers.

I sympathise with your desperation. If you feel it will never get any better for them or for you, it can feel futile to fight. Please do though! You sound frustrated, exhausted and pushed down, but keep going. You can do it if you've got this far.

I havent come out the other side yet, but so many kind people on mumsnet promise that it will happen and things will get better. It really will get better. X

Chumbaw · 16/08/2020 14:31

Longines - any advice on how you have dealt with this please?

"How much of your frustration is about the imbalance you feel in terms of how unfair it is that he's been able to walk away from the responsibility and play Disney Dad EOW while you're a single parent dealing with three DC with high needs? I ask because this was/is a huge bone of contention for me"

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 14:37

To everyone who has responded kindly today, thank you.

I’am still feeling very low, tired and thoroughly miserable but I’ve finally stopped crying with the weight of it all so that’s something. I still have no idea what to do going forward right now. It’s not about Xmas or if that’s unfair, it never was, it’s the sheer frustration of once again being pushed into a corner by him and his manipulation of the children. That once again, I have to either accept it (despite not feeling it’s fair and wanting to reach a different compromise) or enter into discussion with him over it, that once again the children are told something that had not been agreed as fact. I still can’t see how to find the energy to keep dealing with him, the curveballs he throws at me and how utterly trapped I feel by parenting alone with no way out.

Thank you to those who understood and didn’t attack me for considering that they might be better off with their other parent.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 16/08/2020 14:46

May you feel a little better each day now Montague01 Best wishes to you.

nc600 · 16/08/2020 14:48

"I still can’t see how to find the energy to keep dealing with him, the curveballs he throws at me"

If you simply had formal access arrangements then no curveballs would be thrown. The one thing that can rid you of this uncertainty is court ordered access. It really isn't as bad as you think and it's certainly not about who "wins". It does formalise your arrangements though so everyone knows where they stand.

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 14:52

He wouldn’t commit to it, he’d still expect to just do as he wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 14:58

He’d still tell the kids that we’d agreed certain things we hadn’t and leave me to deal with. He’d still feel the rules didn’t apply to him going on holiday or changing his shifts at work or his birthday or whatever it was. And I’d have to deal with it. None of the actual issues go away just because a court agrees to EOW (which we already do) and EO Xmas.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 16/08/2020 14:59

Have you explained to your children the plan? So what if you have to say no it’s not time to go to you to your Dads
Court order would give you something to show them

Codexdivinchi · 16/08/2020 15:01

OP I can see in your posts your actually really depressed. Go and see your GP. Talk things through with them as they maybe able to help.

He isn’t having them for xmas. Come on dog deep. He is grinding you down and you’ve got to find the energy to disengage with him.

I’m fact this xmas he doesn’t even spend it with you. Disconnect from him.

Have you got family around you or good friends you can lean on for support?

Original poster
Montague01 · 16/08/2020 15:06

The kids know they see him EOW. We’ve always shared birthdays generally and arranged around one another depending on plans. Xmas has always been the same which was in his favour as he could work and earn extra money and see them when he wanted rather than be tied. It’s only now that he’s changed it out of nowhere without discussion, which may be fair in terms of what’s normal for split parents, but the way he’s handled it using the children isn’t.

OP posts:
dairyfairies · 16/08/2020 15:16

Direct payments are for when they're eligible for statutory social care support - we get them and I'm my DCs' carer.

only, the threshold is extremely high. I have a teen with severe ASD and severe LDs, I hold down a job, I am a lone parent. I either work or care. I am never alone. I cannot see friends because of DD and work, I haven't been to the hairdresser in a decade, I never go out or on hols, I cannot go to a gym, I dont go to the GP for things that most people would get checked out as it is impossible with DD in tow.... I have been diagnosed burnout. Yet all this is not enough to get respite. I am always surprised how many people get it but I assume their situation must be much more dire than mine. I am not in the least surprised that Op is getting nothing .