Why don’t I feel PFB?

[Mobilegnome]

I’m probably going to get eaten alive, I’ve changed my name because of this.

I’ve had my first child during lockdown. It’s been a really ‘interesting’ time to have a baby.

They weren’t entirely planned but my P was delighted and so we decided to give it a go. I love my baby, I really do. But I don’t feel at all PFB about them. We did an antenatal group and everyone is doing these loving mad things for their children. They’re all so, so worried about everything (this isn’t a stealth boast about being a relaxed mum by the way) and care so much. My baby is happy, just comes along with us and has joined the fold nicely. I’m really lucky, they’re really easygoing. I was really poorly during pregnancy and I’ve been grateful to wind up with an easyish baby.

I listen to all the mum chat about all the temperature worrying, sterilising all toys at night, ironing babygros, playing certain music, reading then certain books, tasting milk and checking temps, refusing to drive on motorways, not letting anyone hold their babies, insisting on masks and sanitiser if they do, not drinking any alcohol at all, or trans fats, getting rid of family pets in case of allergy and a personal favourite as it’s adorable, putting a photo of themselves near the crib to soothe the baby if they wake up from a nap alone.

It’s possibly mum guilt or it’s perhaps because all their babies were longed for but I hadn’t occurred to me to worry about any of these things. I obviously check bath temps and milk and sterilise their bottles and play with them And read to them etc but I just don’t worry about anything and I feel weirdly like I’m missing out, or my baby is missing out or like I’m doing a really half arsed job.

I love reading the PFB threads on here as they’re so funny and all come from a place of intense love. But I cannot relate to them at all.

I don’t know what I’m hoping for really, some reassurance I think that I’m not a terrible mother or a terrible person.

You're not a terrible mother, just a normal one. Some people are more anxious than others. I was never worried about any of those things either and don't feel I missed out in anyway!

It's easier to see PFB in other people than yourself. Looking back I did some very odd things, but it seemed logical at the time (like going out for a walk every afternoon regardless of weather, for an hour... In my mind I was helping her sleep. But it was a bit bonkers going out in the pouring rain for an hour's walk with a pram!)

God they sound unhinged! Sterilising toys every night? I'd rather watch tv.

So long as you are protecting your child from reasonable harm (checking bath water, sterilising bottles) then you do you.

My DD is 18 months, and I love her more than life itself, but I have NEVER done any of those things. My circumstances were fairly similar in that I was poorly during pregnancy and my baby was fairly easy going, my best friend attributes DD’s chilled out nature to the fact that we were very relaxed with her and didn’t stress about much. I’m less convinced about this but who knows!!

I honestly didn’t think I was PFB.

Until I look back and actually yes I was a little. Not badly, but enough.

One that frustrated my dh was, I wouldn’t cross the road if a car was anywhere near. I don’t just mean a metre away, I mean it could have been half way down the road and I would still wait for a clear road

Took us twice as long to get anywhere

Quite frankly you sound completely normal, your antenatal group sound either v bored or deranged tbh.

Sounds like quite a lot of performance parenting going on. You can be a perfectly good (ie great) mother without getting sucked into thinking that sort of stuff is necessary. Fed, clean, comfortable, cuddled baby with sleep time and time to interact - this baby will thrive. The rest is for the parents.

It's Neva of the Mum Guilt thrown down your throat at every moment!

I was never "pfb" either, I've never antibacced or sterilized a single thing in all honesty.
I have never had a thermometer, I only had a room one as it was sent to me for free.
I never changed my washing powder to fairy - apparently this is a thing.

The only thing different I've done was stopped cooking with salt when I weaned the babies.

It’s quite refreshing to read quite honestly. I have two, and wasn’t particularly PFB with my first but more precious than with my second. My sister had a baby (her first) at a similar time to my second and she behaves like an absolute maniac with so many things and she has a child that is a pain in the arse with eating, still being in nappies (too late), imagined allergies, mental over the top hygiene, sleeping issues etc etc etc. I am convinced a lot of these issues are because of the way my sister deals with them.

I bottle fed, fully, both times. Both children were on solids earlier than 6 months (one quicker than the other because they were clearly hungry) and they have both slept through the night from 6-8 weeks. I am convinced this is down to being a bit more relaxed, and it does seem that way from friends and colleagues who have done similar.

Maybe I was lucky, maybe it’s a coincidence, who knows? But good luck to you and there is nothing wrong with anything you are doing - I would say you are doing it very right!

They laugh about it but they all discuss the best toys for brain stimulation and fabric toys are washed all the time and plastic ones are put through the steriliser. I just can’t get motivated about things like that and I think perhaps that is why I feel a bit guilty. Because I don’t feel motivated to clean his toys every evening. Even when the dog runs off with them.

The dog has licked them on the face and I laughed about it but apparently it’s a bit dangerous and gross. I’m not leaving them unattended around the dog, I’m also not a moron, the dog just did a fleeting lick on the way past. I figured they were showing me they’d accepted the baby.

Maybe my perception is skewed as all of the new mothers I have met do these wonderfully mad PFB things and I’m the only one who doesn’t seem to relate.

Cor, I was braced for a flogging but you are all making me feel a lot better. I went hot seeing that I had replies to my thread.

Thank you.

The dog has licked them on the face and I laughed about it but apparently it’s a bit dangerous and gross. I’m not leaving them unattended around the dog, I’m also not a moron, the dog just did a fleeting lick on the way past. I figured they were showing me they’d accepted the baby.

That’s nothing...ds had a phase of going up to the dog with his mouth open so she would lick his tongue

You sound normal and the people you are meeting sound nuts. You need to change your circle of contacts. I found paid for baby groups or anything like baby sensory full of obsessed nut jobs but the small free church baby groups had more normal mums there.

I was a bit PFB with my first funnily 🤣 but not over the top I did some things that make no sense and he’s quite a high maintenance toddler now, my 2nd arrived when he was 18 months, and I swear because I didn’t have the time to worry about things like the first or have a proper routine as it just didn’t fit with toddler life he is so laid back and so funny and always happy - I’m sure that’s because he didn’t have a fretful mother. I must confess I still don’t have any pictures of him printed off and lovingly framed (due to be rectified this weekend) but I love them equally but they had very different starts as babies. With my 2nd I realised most the things I did with the first didn’t matter 🤷🏼‍♀️.

One of my close friends sounds similar to you with her first born and from the outside looking in, there isn’t any less love or devotion than doing all the stuff you mentioned. It’s just different

You seem to be doing great and you sound like a lovely mum. Possibly you've just found a bit of an odd antenatal group

When you said sterilising the toys, I thought you meant giving them a wipe with some anti-bac. Actually putting them in the steriliser is ridiculous.

@emmaluggs it’s difficult to know if I’m ‘relaxed’ because the baby is, or if they’re relaxed because I am. We’re muddling along nicely I think. I suppose I was worried I was not feeling ‘right’ because everyone was else was different.

I feel a ton better now though!

My first were twins.
It was all about existence - I felt I'd won if they were still alive at the end of the day!
I didn't do any of that stuff - they're now 16 and dont seem to have suffered from it.

I was obsessed with DD's sleeping but that's cos she was a terrible sleeper. I never sterilized toys or cared what was educational. That seems a bit much. Putting a photo of themselves on the crib?! That's nuts!

@Bobbiepin actually in the steam steriliser. Most just put them in the Milton fluid stuff. Even bath toys. We don’t even have any bath toys.

You sound like a great mother already! Long may your non-intense attitude continue.

My dcs are both teens now. I thought I was quite relaxed parent when they were young however I've recently rewatched home videos taken on holidays and at Christmas etc and I was such a knob. Much too earnest and eager and trying to make sure they were engaging all the time. Shudder.

I think a lot of these other mums you're seeing/hearing about will eventually relax. I hope they will. No child likes a helicopter parent.

Early days, OP! Most of my PFB behaviour came out after DC1 learned to walk...

It sounds like you’re doing a great job! All that PFB fussing just gets in the way of the good stuff. I helped my friends with their newborns a lot so I have avoided some of the PFB worry that my partner clearly has - I’ve just been around babies more and seen that being slightly too cool or hot hasn’t caused their heads to fall off etc.