Why don’t I feel PFB?

[Mobilegnome]

I’m probably going to get eaten alive, I’ve changed my name because of this.

I’ve had my first child during lockdown. It’s been a really ‘interesting’ time to have a baby.

They weren’t entirely planned but my P was delighted and so we decided to give it a go. I love my baby, I really do. But I don’t feel at all PFB about them. We did an antenatal group and everyone is doing these loving mad things for their children. They’re all so, so worried about everything (this isn’t a stealth boast about being a relaxed mum by the way) and care so much. My baby is happy, just comes along with us and has joined the fold nicely. I’m really lucky, they’re really easygoing. I was really poorly during pregnancy and I’ve been grateful to wind up with an easyish baby.

I listen to all the mum chat about all the temperature worrying, sterilising all toys at night, ironing babygros, playing certain music, reading then certain books, tasting milk and checking temps, refusing to drive on motorways, not letting anyone hold their babies, insisting on masks and sanitiser if they do, not drinking any alcohol at all, or trans fats, getting rid of family pets in case of allergy and a personal favourite as it’s adorable, putting a photo of themselves near the crib to soothe the baby if they wake up from a nap alone.

It’s possibly mum guilt or it’s perhaps because all their babies were longed for but I hadn’t occurred to me to worry about any of these things. I obviously check bath temps and milk and sterilise their bottles and play with them And read to them etc but I just don’t worry about anything and I feel weirdly like I’m missing out, or my baby is missing out or like I’m doing a really half arsed job.

I love reading the PFB threads on here as they’re so funny and all come from a place of intense love. But I cannot relate to them at all.

I don’t know what I’m hoping for really, some reassurance I think that I’m not a terrible mother or a terrible person.

Some of them are heading for difficulties on down the line with their own mental health and may well give their children some difficult-to-overcome/problematic behaviours as well.

It’s not healthy to be that risk-averse and hyper-focussed all the time IMO.

One of my friends who isn’t a member of the antenatal group, did the weaning thing with a family member who’s a doctor present, in the car, near a hospital. It was peanut butter and their H had allergies in their side of the family so I sort of understood that a bit more.

I think it is a bit of a stealth boast. You sound completely normal and aware that being neurotic about babies is not necessary. I was the same as you. Kept the babies clean, fed and happy, and enjoyed them without panicking about them.

@mobilegnome I hope you reported her to social services for not having a helicopter on alert.

@DipSwimSwoosh I was aware it might sound like that but it truly isn’t. I’m different to everyone I know with babies, they’re not all completely neurotic but they all care so much about all things and I’m worried as I don’t. My being poorly was intense prenatal depression so it bothers me sometimes that I don’t ‘care’ in the same way.

I must be an absolutely shit parent - I’ve never given any of the above a thought. I even hoover and flush the toilet when baby is napping. 😳😳

I met a group of mums when my first child was born 6 years ago. We were all PFB in different ways, mine was sleep, another was food, another cleaned all the toys at the baby groups before their child washed them etc. When we talk about it now it seems they were all manifestations of whatever was going on with our postnatal mental health. I had postnatal OCD (with compulsive thoughts about SIDS), another was a grief reaction as she had just lost her mum during pregnancy , others had a worsening of anxiety and depression.

I would take it as a good thing OP, it probably means you're in a good place right now. Before children I was really chilled out, now mine are 6 and 3 I'm much less PFB as I still have a few compulsive thoughts but it's nothing to do with my children anymore.

You are normal. They are deranged

I’ve got three children and never done the vast majority of things you mention, or know anyone who does to be honest. Think you’ve stumbled across an odd lot!

I honestly never had pfb either. I love reading the threads but sometimes they make me feel a little uncaring because I never thought to do any of those things. I mean I followed guidelines but I didn't do anything extra and I wasn't fussy over things.

I can remember my brother and sil would take hot water bottles out on cold days to warm their babies buggy's up, they'd be really funny about people ringing the doorbell, they'd warm the Moses basket up with a hairdryer. Just never occurred to me.

I possibly was slightly more precious with my second, only in that I ended up letting him sleep in my bed and ended up being stressed about him getting woken up but that was only because he was a complete pain in the arse and I'd have done anything to get some sleep.

I'm with you, OP. I absolutely adored my first born, showered him with love and snuggles all day long. But I never sterilised his toys or ironed his clothes or agonised over a bit of sugar in his food, or stopped people holding him (I liked the admiration ) and I drank alcohol throughout a year of breastfeeding him. I did worry a lot about keeping him stimulated & entertained, and avoided screen time. But now I have twins so all that's gone out the window too!

I think I know where you are coming from. I was like this with my eldest, pretty chilled, not very anxious at all. Assumed that was just me - until I had my second many years later. Totally different - ended up co sleeping as I just needed her close to me. I wasn't neurotic but definitely very different.

I suspect, and health visitor agreed, that I might have had mild pnd the first time. I felt far more in love and attached the second time and although I was more anxious it felt more "right" somehow, much more in line with what other people had told me they felt

@NerrSnerr I’d not thought of it that way. Two were via IVF and were much wanted little babies. I would never dream of mocking anyone for being ‘PFB’ and I wonder if you’re right, it’s a culmination of the journey to get there.

PFBers are surely just generally more anxious people?

I always laugh at the ones where moms don't want anyine to take their kidd over night. (Pre covid) I used to throw mine at anyone who offered! Especially my MIL as she often said "leave her another night sure"

I met plenty of mothers like this after I had my child. At the time I always thought I must of been a terrible mum, but looking back I wasn't. Just different. I used to pack my baby up and take him to horse shows all year long. He was a very easy relaxed child and was no trouble, maybe because I was quite laid back him picked up on that, who knows. Was always in the fresh air. All the fussing I used to see over babies off their mums used to do my head in. They came across as a nervous wreck.

Ok I've read the whole thread. Not quite sure what PFB is. Is it precious first baby? Sorry for my ignorance

Precious first born

What does PFB stand for?

You sound normal - I've never sterilised anything for baby ever (if I had bottle fed would be different). I did wash stuff in the early days. I never thought he was going to choke either when eating.

I'm probably anxious and do worry about some things but think they are different things.

I had pre and postnatal anxiety, but didn't give a shit about sterilising toys or other pfb things like that. I had intrusive thoughts about him being stolen or harmed by dogs instead, so I would have hated him being licked by one! My pfb presented as thinking my baby was so perfect and beautiful that everyone else must be insanely jealous and wish he was theirs I look back at photos now, and granted he was adorable but much more normal looking than I thought at the time 😂 tbf I have a second one now and I secretly think everyone wishes she was theirs so maybe not so much pfb!

Oh someone answered what it means. I have sometimes felt a bit like I don't worry enough about some things.. but really I think i just worry about different things than other people.

I only have one child and was too exhausted to sterilise toys etc...

He's a teen now - seems to have survived!

I had a friend who made her PFB baby wipes out of muslin and chamomile tea... by the time baby number two came along, she was using Asda own brand wipes...

I have found my people! SIL and MIL do nothing but fuss over my neice and it drives me insane. I've never had PFB with my daughter, I do basic stuff like bottle, bath temp, sterilise her bottles, empty cot etc. If she's sat up and loses her balance I always have the 'oh she'll be ok, there'll be more falls when she's on the move' approach. I don't think I've ever wiped her toys unless we're ouf and she drops them on the floor but they'll see a baby wipe. 'Builds the immune system'. My DM's dog licks DD's face whenever they see each other, she'll most likely eat mud and crap off the floor when she's older so it's not the end of the world

I had twins, so didn’t have a load of time to go too far down the pfb rabbit hole. I was a fan of sterilising bottles Every use and dummies occasionally but when I caught ds eating a chunk of dog food out of the bowl and surviving I relaxed considerably.

Ironically, one of the things that contributed to my pnd was not being able to give them the loving adoration one on one that other mother’s gave to their babies as I have two. I remember coming out of a signing class and crying because of this!

If you’ve recently recovered from depression, you might well have had lots of practice in your brain saying “worry/feel sad about this!” and having to reply “no, thank you, I don’t think I will” - great preparation for not getting sucked into PFB worry! I’ve been at my best in terms of being chill just after I’ve recovered from a period of mental ill health.