Why don’t I feel PFB?

[Mobilegnome]

I’m probably going to get eaten alive, I’ve changed my name because of this.

I’ve had my first child during lockdown. It’s been a really ‘interesting’ time to have a baby.

They weren’t entirely planned but my P was delighted and so we decided to give it a go. I love my baby, I really do. But I don’t feel at all PFB about them. We did an antenatal group and everyone is doing these loving mad things for their children. They’re all so, so worried about everything (this isn’t a stealth boast about being a relaxed mum by the way) and care so much. My baby is happy, just comes along with us and has joined the fold nicely. I’m really lucky, they’re really easygoing. I was really poorly during pregnancy and I’ve been grateful to wind up with an easyish baby.

I listen to all the mum chat about all the temperature worrying, sterilising all toys at night, ironing babygros, playing certain music, reading then certain books, tasting milk and checking temps, refusing to drive on motorways, not letting anyone hold their babies, insisting on masks and sanitiser if they do, not drinking any alcohol at all, or trans fats, getting rid of family pets in case of allergy and a personal favourite as it’s adorable, putting a photo of themselves near the crib to soothe the baby if they wake up from a nap alone.

It’s possibly mum guilt or it’s perhaps because all their babies were longed for but I hadn’t occurred to me to worry about any of these things. I obviously check bath temps and milk and sterilise their bottles and play with them And read to them etc but I just don’t worry about anything and I feel weirdly like I’m missing out, or my baby is missing out or like I’m doing a really half arsed job.

I love reading the PFB threads on here as they’re so funny and all come from a place of intense love. But I cannot relate to them at all.

I don’t know what I’m hoping for really, some reassurance I think that I’m not a terrible mother or a terrible person.

I’m probably more PFB than I’d want to admit - but then, I have PND and recovery is really hard. Some things I don’t care about, but I can’t claim her reasonably happy laidback nature is because of me, it’s undoubtedly in spite of me at times.

Most of what you've listed sounds unhinged, extreme anxiety. Is this the now norm? I did none of that nonsense.

Is it your first? If so I bet you are behaving PFB, it is actually ridiculously PFB to not notice/be denying it. 😂 Don’t worry though.

I wasn't PFB either. I've had a 2nd and if anything was more PFB with her.

I think people would consider the things I do PFB - rear facing carseats until 4, blw, exclusive bf etc but in reality bfing was easy and I couldn't be arsed to sterilise anything and DS was a stoic bottle refuser of any expressed milk. BLW is easier than mashing and pureeing and DS needed a new carseat, the one we bought we bought because it fitted our tiny car and only it happens to only rearface. So most of it was born out of laziness!

Most of what you've listed sounds unhinged, extreme anxiety. Is this the now norm? I did none of that nonsense.

Unfortunately yes.

I'm quite PFB and DS is 20mo. I have never done any of the things you mentioned! They basically sound like they have nothing better to do. I can't see it being achievable either if they have any more children.

sterilising all toys at night, ironing babygros, playing certain music, reading then certain books, tasting milk and checking temps, refusing to drive on motorways, not letting anyone hold their babies, insisting on masks and sanitiser if they do, not drinking any alcohol at all, or trans fats, getting rid of family pets in case of allergy and a personal favourite as it’s adorable, putting a photo of themselves near the crib to soothe the baby if they wake up from a nap alone.
I've never done any of those things.
I had the same feeling as you OP, with some of my NCT friends. Especially when we all returned to work and one woman said she cried all the way to work and couldnt stop thinking about her DS after dropping him off at Nanna's for the day. I was quite happy to be back at work but didnt feel I could say so

I had a pfb. I remember ringing my mum to have her so I could hoover because I was worried about any dust in the air! I sterilised toys (once) they melted in there. It's not crazy or batshit it's just way overthinking. By child 2 and 3 I was hoovering around their noses baskets and taking pictures of them when they found and played with the cats toys!

Either way. Neither you or your group should be judged. Cant parents just get on and do their thing?

@Trashtara

I wasn't PFB either. I've had a 2nd and if anything was more PFB with her.

I think people would consider the things I do PFB - rear facing carseats until 4, blw, exclusive bf etc but in reality bfing was easy and I couldn't be arsed to sterilise anything and DS was a stoic bottle refuser of any expressed milk. BLW is easier than mashing and pureeing and DS needed a new carseat, the one we bought we bought because it fitted our tiny car and only it happens to only rearface. So most of it was born out of laziness!

I wouldn't have said those things were PFB.

I've got 3DC and havent done any of the things in your post or know anyone who has. I think what your describing is the extreme pfb parenting, most people are not like this at all.

Some (most, in my experience) people just thrive on having something to worry and stress about. I've done two things lately that people blow up into anxiety-inducing nightmares of their own making: I got married and did a PhD. Neither gave me the amounts of stress they seem to cause others.

I think everyone has their moments at some point in their child’s life. Mine was over weaning with my first. I couldn’t breastfeed and I think that resulted in a bit of an obsession about doing weaning perfectly. I’m general though I’m not anxious with the children and have fostered as much independence as possible. I’m surprised how babied some of my eldest’s peers are in comparison. But, you do sound a bit smug and judging of your friends

Of your list:

*Temp worrying- not that unusual but also depends a lot on context. My 1st was not I’ll until she went to nursery so never had to worry about temps. My 2nd has numerous hospital admissions. It’s easy to be chilled about temps if you’ve not had a poorly baby.

*sterilising all toys at night- unusual frequency but not totally crazy if they’re just shoving them in some Milton. I wish I’d done bath toys as they get grim.

ironing babygros- if they’ve got time let them get on with it. Some people are ironing people (I am not)- that doesn’t make them odd.

*playing certain music, reading then certain books: nothing unusual about this. Doesn’t sound PFB.

*refusing to drive on motorways: this wouldn’t be that unusual. I know lots of people who get nervous.

*not letting anyone hold their babies, insisting on masks and sanitiser if they do: we are in a global pandemic so I wouldn’t blame people for being more cautious. I would offer if I was seeing a newborn to do the same. My 2nd came home from hospital with a cold and it was bloody miserable.

*not drinking any alcohol at all, or trans fats: I suspect this is less about the baby and more about being controlled in general.

*getting rid of family pets in case of allergy: not ideal but you might not know the full picture.

*putting a photo of themselves near the crib to soothe the baby: this is quite cute.

You sound perfectly normal. They are neurotic and will realise soon enough. Nod and smile at the batshit

00100001 I wouldn't either but some people told me they were.

I’m currently pregnant and you sound like the kind of mum I want to be!

Just consider that you segued seamlessly to third-child mentality, where you realise what it's worth spending effort on and what isn't.

Don't sweat it, or feel "less". Your child will be less neurotic, more confident and you will be happier for it.

@Sailingblue I knew someone would accuse me of being judgemental and smug. I’m really, really not. I was so poorly in the beginning of all this that I was worried I didn’t seem to feel like the other mums around me. But thank you, anyway.

It's so much easier to enjoy parenting when you're relaxed about it. Count yourself lucky and you're not a bad mum at all! I was the same as you with my first, she was just so easy and I didn't worry. Then I had a 7 year gap before my second and did all the worrying that time around! I think when they're planned you over prepare yourself and it makes it so much easier to worry! (My first was a happy accident, second was planned)

I suppose with ds1 I was a bit PFB but honestly it was because I didn't have a flying scoobies what the hell I was doing (not that I really do now of course but I always remember being amazed that they were just going to let me walk out with this tiny scream thing and seemed to think I knew what the hell to do...I sort of wished there was a course or an exam or something...I do not count antenatal courses i did those....they were rubbish)

Ds2 i was quite protective because he had been extremely I'll in NICU. Now however all the pfb crap makes me laugh.

Best advice i got was from a friend who had 5 children. By no 5 , (we were discussing first foods ) he said pretty much it was whatever one of his other DC decided to give them one day. This man was a truly excellent loving father. He had adopted his eldest then had 4 other children , all healthy and happy. He was a big proponent of they know they are safe loved and cared for. The small stuff is totally unimportant. He told me it will all work out and in a few years I would realise that all the feeding stuff , all the germ stuff within reason would seem ridiculous to me one day. He was dead on.

I honestly think being more laidback is far better. My DC are much happier now at 7 and 4 I am far more laidback. They are far less neurotic as am I.

I do think some of it has come from judgy attitudes on social media and parenting as a whole seems to be far more judgy. Part of my now laidback attitude is I've got to a point where I couldn't give a toss what others think of me , so it doesn't bother me. I think when you are surrounded by baby groups etc you are in the thick of the judgy groups and it's harder to ignore. (Yes yes I know not all baby groups are judgy but frankly put of all my peers I have heard of very few that aren't)

I think it’s also possible that because of the whole covid situation, some people’s natural PFB tendencies have gotten a bit more pronounced than they would be. I mean I don’t have a young baby but I did wonder if I should be sterilizing shopping at one point. Also probably rates of post-natal depression may have increased - the past 6 months have been a wierd time to have a baby. Therefore the other mums you know probably aren’t a normal snapshot of a “normal” level of PFB ess. It’s fine that your not like that though - I mean it’s ok to not be ok but its also ok to be ok!

Hi OP

I was like you, I also had pre natal depression that disappeared as soon as the baby was born. Also I'm generally logical about stuff. I wiped toys if another child was over and had a cold and was snotting all over them, but never sterilised or wiped over at any other time because I don't think it helps their immune systems keeping them away from all germs. Also what's the point of sterilising their toys when they're licking the floor?

I did read a lot of stuff about babys development but never did anything as the baby seemed to be happy and developing fine with me just bumbling around the house and tagging along with me shopping and stuff so I didnt feel like they needed baby development or sensory classes and stuff, lots of people I knew did a class every day and never had time to chill out or meet friends

Mobilegnome I didn’t want to make you feel bad. There will be nothing wrong with your parenting that you haven’t done those things but equally doesn’t mean that the ones that have done elements of your list are wrong either. You’ll find similar things at every stage. Just as an example, I’m very happy for my 4yo to be going to school in September but I’ve had conversations with people about how they’ll miss their children because they have such a special bond almost implying they love their child more. Similarly, you’ll see lots of judgement calls about how much people are letting their older children return to normal post lock-down. There will always be a spectrum.

There will be something that you’re particular about that others aren’t- you just haven’t realised what it is yet.

I also felt the odd one out in my ante natal group. I remember being asked what we were looking forward to most about having a baby and everyone was like 'seeing them develop' 'finding out what they look like' etc and all I could think of to say was 'not being pregnant any more'

@Sailingblue but I wasn’t mocking them or judging them for what they do. I haven’t done that in any of my posts and nor would I. I was just listing them as examples of things that hadn’t even occurred to me. I think some of it is quite charming although I take PP’s points that it could be an outward sign of high anxiety.

I do think that these groups are a concentration of ‘mothering’ and so it’s nearly always the focus of conversation and so representation of behaviour will be slightly skewed.

But I’ve spent a lot of my pregnancy and nearly all of my early motherhood in a state of lockdown and so haven’t had much exposure to new parents or groups and I was looking for reassurance that I wasn’t a ballsing unit up completely.

Or even ballsing it up completely*