Why don’t I feel PFB?

[Mobilegnome]

I’m probably going to get eaten alive, I’ve changed my name because of this.

I’ve had my first child during lockdown. It’s been a really ‘interesting’ time to have a baby.

They weren’t entirely planned but my P was delighted and so we decided to give it a go. I love my baby, I really do. But I don’t feel at all PFB about them. We did an antenatal group and everyone is doing these loving mad things for their children. They’re all so, so worried about everything (this isn’t a stealth boast about being a relaxed mum by the way) and care so much. My baby is happy, just comes along with us and has joined the fold nicely. I’m really lucky, they’re really easygoing. I was really poorly during pregnancy and I’ve been grateful to wind up with an easyish baby.

I listen to all the mum chat about all the temperature worrying, sterilising all toys at night, ironing babygros, playing certain music, reading then certain books, tasting milk and checking temps, refusing to drive on motorways, not letting anyone hold their babies, insisting on masks and sanitiser if they do, not drinking any alcohol at all, or trans fats, getting rid of family pets in case of allergy and a personal favourite as it’s adorable, putting a photo of themselves near the crib to soothe the baby if they wake up from a nap alone.

It’s possibly mum guilt or it’s perhaps because all their babies were longed for but I hadn’t occurred to me to worry about any of these things. I obviously check bath temps and milk and sterilise their bottles and play with them And read to them etc but I just don’t worry about anything and I feel weirdly like I’m missing out, or my baby is missing out or like I’m doing a really half arsed job.

I love reading the PFB threads on here as they’re so funny and all come from a place of intense love. But I cannot relate to them at all.

I don’t know what I’m hoping for really, some reassurance I think that I’m not a terrible mother or a terrible person.

You won’t be balsing it up. A lot of the differences will simply be down to lifestyle pre baby (and in some cases a dose of anxiety). You probably don’t know you mum friends that well. Even something basic like the ironing baby grow things. One of my friends irons everything. Always has, always will. It would be odd if she didn’t iron her children’s clothes. I never iron anything. I had a moment before my first was born when I did once. I’ll do school uniform and that’ll be it. Neither of us are wrong or right in our choice to iron or not. She does because it gives her pleasure. I don’t because I don’t care enough to prioritise it.

Oh god, I didn't even bother with any baby groups. The conversations that used to happen in the waiting room when attending for jabs, check ups etc was enough to send me to sleep zzzzz

@Mobilegnome

I'm with you OP. I'm old now - my DS was born in 1992! I knew nothing about pregnancy or parenting. Got an obligatory book from the library! But I am very self sufficient and practical. I decided to breast feed and just assumed it would all be OK, which it was. Learned everything by trial and error - and common sense!

However, now I read all these things on here, I am really pleased that SM wasn't around back then. There seems to be so much to worry about nowadays!

I'm exactly the same! Also sterilising toys every night, realistically in the long run will potentially do more harm than good. How are there children ever going to build any natural immunity

Sorry, but what the everloving eff does PFB mean?

And no, whatever it stands for, all the stuff you just mentioned is weird and I'd be sliding out of that friendship group ASAP because I'd roll my eyes So. Hard. listening to that bollocks

@bunters

Sorry, but what the everloving eff does PFB mean?

And no, whatever it stands for, all the stuff you just mentioned is weird and I'd be sliding out of that friendship group ASAP because I'd roll my eyes So. Hard. listening to that bollocks

PFB = precious first baby. The idea that parents are more precious about their first until they learn that a bit of dirt won't hurt them.

I don't think I was too PFB with DS1, and he was a chilled out baby (shame about the toddler years... he got an ASD diagnosis at 9) I had it in my head that I wanted another soon after anyway so there was no point in setting unrealitically high expectations Food had to be taken seriously due to food allergies that emerged at the start of weaning.

So DS1 was a bit whatever like a DC2 and DS2 is a bit ferral like a DC3.

Helicoptering around and sanitising everything may come from loving intentions, but it is anxiety and not great for the mother or infant.

Unless it had vomit/food/anything else disgusting on then I’m pretty sure I’ve never even washed a toy, let alone sterilised one.

This thread is so dismissive of anxiety or just assumes that you can just decide to be so ~laidback and have the perfect baby like all of you did. 🙄

A relaxed, normal new mum! Congratulations, you’re genuinely a delight, OP. My step dil is like you and my liking and respect increased several notches for it.

The only thing I worry intensely about is DS bedtime routine because the fact he sleeps is something I do not take for granted and I won’t do ANYTHING which upsets that particular apple cart.Much to my friends’ hilarity. But sleep is very important to me.

I do worry generally but all of the things you mentioned (bar the actual basics) don’t cross my mind.
I do joke with my friends that have more than one kid that I’m well aware of my behaviour with PFB but it is true that he is quite high maintenance therefore not the sort of relaxed baby that just fits in. Never has been.

DC1 is 8 now and all the other parents on the class chat keep going on about how much they miss them when they go back to school, or how they're not ready yet for PGL or Scout camps. I throw my DC at anyone who'll take them and skip on the way back to school on the first day, I tend not to comment when everyone else is talking about how much they'll miss their kids

So it doesn't stop!

However I know we've been very lucky, DC1 was the most laid-back baby ever and DC2 has been pretty similar, and I'm certain that affects how you end up parenting at certain stages, especially as a baby because some babies are just so much more work than others.

I did have terrible pre natal depression with DC2 and some baddish postnatal depression too, so definitely agree that once it's lifted you feel like a million dollars and that some things just become easier by comparison to that.

They’re the excessive ones. I felt like I worried about everything but from your list I didn’t do any of that!

Good lord lady! You are a perfectly normal parent.

I have 4 and my youngest is a tot still. Never indulged in all that madness, didn't have the time or inclination. Although I confess that with the youngest the phrase 'Don't lick the dog' was used quite frequently.
My other three are fairly normal young adults, not in anyway less well or able due to my not playing Mozart or whatever.

Don't knock yourself. Am sure a degree of their chat is a dose of 'look at me, parent of the year' blarney

@Bobbiepin Ah, thank you! 😂

You’re not a terrible mother OP it’s these other women that you speak of that are the oddballs, but I’m pretty sure you already know this.

Never mind being licked by dogs, mine licked the neighbour's dog the first time they were allowed close to each other.🤦

Poor old hound didn't know what to do with itself and I sort of gave up on worrying about what went into his mouth off the kitchen floor after that.

My pregnancy wasn't planned and l had no expectations of motherhood - took each day as it came unlike a friend of mine who had chosen her pram before she even got pregnant! She really struggled when she had a baby as it didn't conform to all her perceptions of early motherhood

@Fishfingersandwichplease I wonder if that might be part of things for me, too.

I know that my anxiety could easy creep back up and I could end up doing lots of OTT fussing to help me feel calm, so I try and nip it in the bud by asking myself “would I have noticed this/bothered to do this/thought this much about this if I had a toddler as well?”