Why don’t I feel PFB?

[Mobilegnome]

I’m probably going to get eaten alive, I’ve changed my name because of this.

I’ve had my first child during lockdown. It’s been a really ‘interesting’ time to have a baby.

They weren’t entirely planned but my P was delighted and so we decided to give it a go. I love my baby, I really do. But I don’t feel at all PFB about them. We did an antenatal group and everyone is doing these loving mad things for their children. They’re all so, so worried about everything (this isn’t a stealth boast about being a relaxed mum by the way) and care so much. My baby is happy, just comes along with us and has joined the fold nicely. I’m really lucky, they’re really easygoing. I was really poorly during pregnancy and I’ve been grateful to wind up with an easyish baby.

I listen to all the mum chat about all the temperature worrying, sterilising all toys at night, ironing babygros, playing certain music, reading then certain books, tasting milk and checking temps, refusing to drive on motorways, not letting anyone hold their babies, insisting on masks and sanitiser if they do, not drinking any alcohol at all, or trans fats, getting rid of family pets in case of allergy and a personal favourite as it’s adorable, putting a photo of themselves near the crib to soothe the baby if they wake up from a nap alone.

It’s possibly mum guilt or it’s perhaps because all their babies were longed for but I hadn’t occurred to me to worry about any of these things. I obviously check bath temps and milk and sterilise their bottles and play with them And read to them etc but I just don’t worry about anything and I feel weirdly like I’m missing out, or my baby is missing out or like I’m doing a really half arsed job.

I love reading the PFB threads on here as they’re so funny and all come from a place of intense love. But I cannot relate to them at all.

I don’t know what I’m hoping for really, some reassurance I think that I’m not a terrible mother or a terrible person.

I remember when DS1 was about 18 months old I had a fuill on collpase with tears because i did not have a snot sucker. Apparently every proper mum had a snot sucker. I did not even know there were such things as snot suckers. But I did not have one and so felt like the worst mum ever.

Seriously- we do what we do. Most of us do the best we can possibly do.

@WhenTwoBecomeThree we’re the same, you and I. 😆

@frankie246 we’re a horsey family with lots of animals, too. I’m more likely to fret about a sick sheep.

[quote Mobilegnome]@Bobbiepin actually in the steam steriliser. Most just put them in the Milton fluid stuff. Even bath toys. We don’t even have any bath toys. [/quote]
Bath toys get gross easily, but I buy them cheap and bin them when they go nasty. Empty out the water from the squeezy toys and wipe off wall suckers and you'll be fine.

@IvanTheDragon that’s really interesting. I was so low, I’ve never felt anything like it before, so maybe coming through that and realising I had nothing to worry about, has inadvertently prepped me for not fretting so much. That and being very lucky with a chilled out baby.

@DipSwimSwoosh

I think it is a bit of a stealth boast. You sound completely normal and aware that being neurotic about babies is not necessary. I was the same as you. Kept the babies clean, fed and happy, and enjoyed them without panicking about them.

I was just about to say this.

@Mobilegnome for me, it was a bit like I’d been carrying a huge heavy backpack, put it down, and then had to carry a little parcel. I barely noticed the weight in comparison!

@NoWordForFluffy it’s truly not. See my reply to Dip. Because I had antenatal depression, during which I wished the baby away a lot, I think I have guilt attached. And couple that with not feeling particularly ‘PFB’ (using that as a shorthand as it sums up how a lot of people feel) and I was worried I was detached somehow.

@IvanTheDragon that’s a very good analogy.

I'm quite an easy going mum, and I certainly don't feel that it makes me any less good than a neurotic mum. It's certainly done my son no harm; he's a confident, curious, well spoken little boy.

Op , you sound very normal and relaxed which is great. I just have to say you are very lucky to have a chilled out baby. We had a very chilled out first baby and like people on here did the whole “ oh maybe it’s cause we are chilled , I don’t know (secretly patting ourselves on the back )” .
The thing is it’s all a bit chicken and egg. My second never slept, ever . Woke constantly .for.years.., cried loads , had epic tantrums as a toddler , our first was totally different. We had to try loads of things like allergy tests, different sleep routines etc etc . It was very tough tbh and you know what, we were very stressed then as we didn’t know what we were doing wrong (we weren’t, it’s just the way the baby was ) . Obviously we had to try different things as we assumed it was pain etc . Yes , some of the behavior sounds ott but you have no idea of the experiences of other people, maybe they have lost a child, maybe their perfection or over the top parenting is a symptom of pnd.
Some people on this thread have made comparisons with family member’s children as if it’s all about the person not being “ chilled” or “relaxed”, sorry but as a parent of three , all kids are totally different and it’s pure luck if your child is
“ chilled” and if you’re severely sleep deprived you can’t think straight and can’t be “chilled”.

I think you sound normal, I'm due in October and would aspire to be more like you than the PFB mothers you've described!

DC1 I was a bit Pfb looking back, but in my defence he was HARD work so I did lots of things to try and shut him up soothe him.

DC2 is a dream baby and just comes along for the ride. I think temperament definitely plays a part.

You sound a bit like me! I was wondering if it was a mix between a predisposition to being fairly relaxed and also having an easy-going baby who has slotted in well? There aren’t too many areas of conflict or stress. And the dog licks her sometimes - he does it to everyone, it’s kind of his way of doing a head count!

@Soubriquet so glad its not just mine! My 2year old does this with the dog fairly regularly at the moment. Usually when I'm feeding DD so can't stop him, he thinks it's hilarious

You need to meet with a different group of mums! Anxiety and paranoia is not love and can ultimately be quite damaging to a childs development.

My dog chewed the bath thermometer before I got to use it so I just stuck my elbow in the check the temperature. My DD survived and is very much loved!!!

The HV always commented on how laid back my DH and I were with our DD and how she was relaxed as a result, although I think DD was an easy baby and therefore DH & I were relaxed, so probably in reality it was more six of one half a dozen of the other.

I was never PFB or a worried mum about mine. Quite laid back. Not everyone is like that

Same OP! The new mums group I’m a part of are like this. They are aghast I may take my baby swimming, because it’s not like there’s chlorine in the water that kills germs or anything 🙄

My PFB is 4 now but all the mum chat now seems to be about parenting books and podcasts. I feel guilty that I've never read or listened to any of them! It's not that I'm against parenting books; I'm sure I could learn from them. I just don't ever feel motivated enough to pick one up and read it. Anyway be prepared for that in a few years!

OP I hear you. I couldn't get the whole PFB thing a quite frankly find the whole thing dull. While a couple of people I knew were doing cake smash photography (just an example). I was taking my son for long walks, camping, festivals and the pub. As a four year old he is well adjusted happy in adult company and not bothered about the way he looks or what he is dressed in. Our dog also licked him more than 100 times im sure. I like to think ive taught him to be easy in the company others as just came to whatever we were doing.Best way in my opinion, I find people's PFB stories just odd TBH and some.of them not funny at all.

I was very PFB with DC1. She is definitely more of a princess for it, I have absolutely no doubt. DC2 didn’t have the luxury & is way more likely to just get on with it, less precious about how she goes to sleep etc.

Honestly, I think there is very little to be gained from the PFB attitude, but I can’t blame people. We’re all learning. I imagine if I had 2 or 3 more I’d be a seasoned pro. But I absolutely am-fucking-not.

I love reading the PFB threads on here as they’re so funny and all come from a place of intense love

It's from a place of intense worry. Do not confuse anxiety with love.

Oh my god. I know there were a few things I was quite PFB over - like i suspect naps might have been easier to crack than I allowed them to be, and breastfeeding too (we do still BF at 18 months so it can't have been total fiasco but I was not as relaxed about it as I could have been), but I was generally pretty slack and definitely never ever spoke to another new mum who sterilised toys every night!

Honestly, OP, I think you are just relaxed, happy, and taking parenting in your stride. If you're observing basic safety advice anything from there is pretty OK. It's great you can take your baby places and they slot in, enjoy every minute of it.

@Ubermints

I love reading the PFB threads on here as they’re so funny and all come from a place of intense love

It's from a place of intense worry. Do not confuse anxiety with love.

100% agree. Love does not have to = fear, anxiety, helplessness, dread. Love is a positive feeling, the other stuff is just terror of losing it.

I’ve found this all really helpful. Thanks everyone. Particular fan of the other snoggy dog stories!

I’m another one who doesn’t read parenting books either. They all say something different. I got lent the Gina Ford one and it was quite frightening.