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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Women going through ultrasounds alone.

152 replies

BigOlButt · 14/08/2020 15:36

I think my views on this are quite biased as I have been here so many times but AIBU to think it's wrong that so many women are having to hear the devastating news that they have lost their baby at an ultrasound scan, alone.

I have had a large number of miscarriages, most of them were missed and only discovered at scan stage. I honestly would have been in pieces if I were to receive that news on my own.

I am currently pregnant and this time things have actually worked out which is great but I can't help but feel so sad about this.

I had a test done at around 12 weeks which was done alongside a scan and I was allowed my partner there as the test can be uncomfortable and you're allowed a support person for that. However he's not been allowed in for any routine scans (which is fine as baby has been okay but I can't imagine if it hadn't have been), plenty of people who get bad news at scan stage also need support, why is one allowed and another not?

It also seems like a kick in the teeth that people are allowed to go and get drunk in a pub, we're being actively encouraged to go out to restaurants etc... But this is still happening.

I get it, it's a hospital setting. But it just feels so harsh when you see what is opening up elsewhere.

OP posts:
SJR86 · 14/08/2020 21:44

I agree op. I find going for ultrasound incredibly anxiety provoking as I had a MMC in my first pregnancy.
I am currently 30weeks pregnant after 2 miscarriages and I have found not having my partner with me for appointments really hard. At my 20 week scan the sonographer found multiple issues, my husband was waiting in the car and was eventually able to come in to speak though our options with the specialist midwife. he was only allowed in the first of three fetal medicine appointments, luckily we have been discharged now but I get extremely emotional before every ultrasound appointment which we are having regularly.
I have an association with them and getting bad news, I know this is not the governments problem but I do think consideration needs to be taken into account that pregnancy is a complicated and highly emotive time for many which can really take its toll on mental health. Something as simple as having one other person there to hand hold really makes a difference.

JanewaysBun · 14/08/2020 21:46
Flowers I had a 12 and 20 week scan alone. The 12 one I was crying so much as I'd previously had a MMC. Luckily the somographer was really supportive (and the scan turned into dc1)
Orchidsindoors · 14/08/2020 21:47

"What is it you’re hoping to achieve Orchard?"
Its Orchid, not Orchard. I simply came on to a thread to state a point, which is usually what people do, isnt it? If they have a point to make? Do I need your permission first? Am I not allowed to join a thread? Is it only your point of view that can be stated?

"Myself and pp have agreed with the substantive point you’re trying to make"

But you didnt did you? That's why weve had the ongoing discussion. If you agreed with me, youd have said so.

"We haven’t shared the same experience and recognise that."
You didnt initially, you wrongly thought I wasnt allowed to have a different experience to you.

"Can we not talk through our trauma and recognise that?"

Of course you can. By stating a different experience, doesnt mean that.

"Or will you remind us that you don’t feel that way."

Well, if I dont feel that way, I should be allowed to say so. That's what having a discussion is all about.

" It feels a little like you’re trying to funnel this discussion in order that we agree and don’t add our own unique experiences. Do you think that’s constructive?"

Do you think its constructive to have a lengthy go at someone just because theyve said something different to you?

Chocolate4me · 14/08/2020 21:47

I went to my scan last week and boy was I soo cross. Nobody is allowed in with you, but there was a man in the waiting room, but he had a mask so I figured there was a good reason for it. But then this Dad and daughter walked in, the Dad had no mask on and the girl pulled hers down under her chin till someone came. When asked if he had a mask, he said he has Asthma and is struggling with it. The sonographer said nobody is allowed someone in, and he said he knows but his daughter is young and has had extra scans comes through and they don't know why etc. So she said take a seat.... Then it turns out her appointment was at 9am that morning and they'd turned up at 230!!!
I was really cross because here we all are, not taking partners, and they rock up and don't bother with masks and the girl doesn't even bother to wear it properly.
I said to the sonographer I'd wait outside as I wasn't happy waiting with others who weren't wearing masks... But she said I was next so took me straight in.
And the 2 ladies on the entrance to the hospital who sit in an office, just with a screen up to maybe 1metre high, didn't have masks on.... One came round to me to hand me my appointment letter.... Just don't get it 😩😩

Wecandothis99 · 14/08/2020 21:48

Non of this is fair, but it's nothing to do with pubs, they're two totally separate things. Im pregnant and doing it all alone after having a MMC so am anxious all the time but I totally understand why and just have to suck it up.

ZigZagPlant · 14/08/2020 21:49

Orchard, you seem to mistaking the narrative of an argument as that of a discussion.

Try again.

Original poster
BigOlButt · 14/08/2020 21:51

@Orchidsindoors

"I wouldn't just say it's 'no biggy'."

The poster who said this, obviously felt this way. She was explaining what it was like for her. It might be her way of coping. This is her valid opinion. Lots of women feel this way I'm sure.

Well I guess we'll agree to disagree that it's constructive to come onto a thread where women have explicitly said they would really struggle in this situation because of past trauma and tell them you found it no biggy. Almost like a shrug 'i found it fine so what's the matter with you' 🤷‍♀️

I would never comment that on a thread where women were struggling with a certain subject. It may be my experience of that particular subject, but it's obviously not helpful is it.

To clarify I am sad that women are not being given a choice whether or not have their partners / support there at a scan in case of bad news. I am sad for women who have struggled receiving bad news at a scan when they could have really done with the support.

If that's not you then that's absolutely fine, you're obviously not who I'm aiming this at.

OP posts:
ZigZagPlant · 14/08/2020 21:51

Sorry Orchid...

EssentialHummus · 14/08/2020 21:54

I experienced this - hospital visit alone to find out that I'd miscarried. I was pretty sure I'd miscarried weeks before, but thanks to Covid I couldn't have had a scan any soon than the routine 12 weeks. Sonographer etc were in head to toe PPE and I had to come in and announce that I was pretty sure they wouldn't find anything in there. Then a long wait in the anteroom with a zillion heavily pregnant women while my forms were typed up. Absolutely horrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

ZigZagPlant · 14/08/2020 21:55

If that's not you then that's absolutely fine, you're obviously not who I'm aiming this at.

A real shame that nonetheless pp seem determined to minimise other women’s equally valid feelings and experiences, as though their own are superior.

Thanks OP for highlighting this.

Orchidsindoors · 14/08/2020 21:57

Bigolbutt...

I didnt say it's no biggy. You will find that was another poster. I dont think you should have a go at someone for basically saying, "no, I'm fine with not having a partner with me. ", which is basically what she was saying. It might not have been the best language, but everyone copes with things differently. And just because some women cope with things differently and say so does not explicitly mean they dont care about others and their experiences. They are simply joining in a thread and saying how it was for them.

ZigZagPlant · 14/08/2020 21:58

Joining in or attempting to dominate Hmm

Orchidsindoors · 14/08/2020 21:59

"We would think it a bit heartless if someone discussed mobility problems, some discussing what help they needed, and then many discussed how easy walking is."

This is not like for like at all. A better correlation would be someone saying "I have mobility problems too, but I dont feel that way".

Porcupineinwaiting · 14/08/2020 22:00

@TheSoapyFrog I guess the point about pubs is that, if we can only control coronavirus with a certain amount of interpersonal interaction, then there is a debate to have about what we prioritize - economic activities like pubs and restaurants or things like this, or opening schools.

Orchidsindoors · 14/08/2020 22:01

"Joining in or attempting to dominate"

No zigzag, that's clearly you. You are just fed up you cant dominate it all on your own. You have to try and slate people for having a different opinion to you and daring to reply to you.

Bookmark

Aneley · 14/08/2020 22:02

It happened to me. I was alone at a scan which established MMC. To this day I don't know how I managed to find the exit and make it home. I don't remember anything between hearing the words and collapsing in tears at home. DH not being there made a traumatic event 10x harder (I had 2 more so can compare, sadly).

Original poster
BigOlButt · 14/08/2020 22:02

I know it wasn't you who said it, I previously quoted that poster.

I think you can be fine going alone yourself but still agree it's sad for those women who don't feel able to/would struggle without the support. However most people who've said they were fine haven't said that. They've literally just come on to say 'well I was fine' 'well my husband didn't come to any'.

I'm obviously not talking about women who would rather be alone anyway, why would I be sad for them? I'm quite clearly referring to women who want someone with them and are unable to so no I don't see the relevance of repeatedly being told about how you or whoever wants to be alone anyway. That's fine, but you're clearly not the women I'm referring to then.

I totally appreciate the other replies which have offered explanations and reasonings behind the decision to not allow partners. That was more in line with the thread topic.

OP posts:
Orchidsindoors · 14/08/2020 22:02

"A real shame that nonetheless pp seem determined to minimise other women’s equally valid feelings and experiences, as though their own are superior."

Nobody has done this except you zigzag

ZigZagPlant · 14/08/2020 22:03

I’m sorry you went through that @Aneley sometimes all you want is a handhold. It seems like a long walk out the hospital when you’re full of tears and bleary eyed. Sad

Original poster
BigOlButt · 14/08/2020 22:05

@Aneley

It happened to me. I was alone at a scan which established MMC. To this day I don't know how I managed to find the exit and make it home. I don't remember anything between hearing the words and collapsing in tears at home. DH not being there made a traumatic event 10x harder (I had 2 more so can compare, sadly).
Sorry Flowers I know this feeling well xx
OP posts:
Orchidsindoors · 14/08/2020 22:06

"Orchard, you seem to mistaking the narrative of an argument as that of a discussion.

Try again."
Another example of your nastiness zigzag...just no need for it.

BiBabbles · 14/08/2020 22:08

I'm glad that's in place ZigZagPlan, but yeah, medical professional "chaperones" really can't give the same support or protection for many women.

It's not bad to recognize the good thing that this issue won't be an issue for many women, much like acknowledging very few people experience medical abuse and most people get through pregnancy and childbirth fine.

However, when ZigZagPlant said some women needed support, you went on about how some women don't and seemed to refuse to acknowledge that she's said some from the start. So yeah, you've been ignoring the experiences of others.

And if you want to change my analogy, it would be someone who needs mobility aids discussing their issues with it and someone with a mobility problem who doesn't who thinks we need to acknowledge that not all mobility problems require aids. Yeah, that's fine, but if someone worried about the right to use an aid being taken away, those who haven't needed an aid probably will be less likely to understand what it's like to have that suddenly taken away from them and it would be weird if they went on about how not all of us need aids because someone said some of us do.

TakeMe2Insanity · 14/08/2020 22:14

My friend miscarried at 20 weeks during the lockdown and had to do alone 😢

Pugprincess · 14/08/2020 22:26

Unfortunately I am the person you are describing @BigOlButt

We tried for 5 years with unexplained infertility, we had tests, everything fine, was ready to start IUI then boom during lockdown I fell pregnant. We were soooo happy and relieved. I accepted he couldn’t come to hospital scans so I paid privately for an early scan so he could see. Unfortunately I miscarried at 8 weeks and was taken into hospital by ambulance alone. Once there I was left in a little room on my own as it was night time. Couldn’t sleep a wink as I was waiting for a scan to see what was happening as I was bleeding. I had to wait till morning and went down by about 9am. I remember crying walking down to the room and holding the nurses hand, I really wanted my husband. I felt awful hearing that news on my own. After all that was his baby too. I really think under those circumstances you should have a loved one with you in ppe. He met me after and I had to break the news to him myself. The pub thing annoys me too. This was only last month.

I am now pregnant again but today I have experienced some light brown discharge so I’m praying history isn’t repeating itself (mc started with dark brown watery discharge just under two weeks before it turned red). I am having to prepare myself for the fact I might have to face it again on my own. I have an early scan in two weeks at hospital so I will be alone for that too (if I get that far). I can’t put off having kids due to covid, it could be around for a long time. Whole situation just sucks for a lot of people. I think of those who pass away on their own 💔

dammit88 · 15/08/2020 09:46

@Chocolate4me

I went to my scan last week and boy was I soo cross. Nobody is allowed in with you, but there was a man in the waiting room, but he had a mask so I figured there was a good reason for it. But then this Dad and daughter walked in, the Dad had no mask on and the girl pulled hers down under her chin till someone came. When asked if he had a mask, he said he has Asthma and is struggling with it. The sonographer said nobody is allowed someone in, and he said he knows but his daughter is young and has had extra scans comes through and they don't know why etc. So she said take a seat.... Then it turns out her appointment was at 9am that morning and they'd turned up at 230!!! I was really cross because here we all are, not taking partners, and they rock up and don't bother with masks and the girl doesn't even bother to wear it properly. I said to the sonographer I'd wait outside as I wasn't happy waiting with others who weren't wearing masks... But she said I was next so took me straight in. And the 2 ladies on the entrance to the hospital who sit in an office, just with a screen up to maybe 1metre high, didn't have masks on.... One came round to me to hand me my appointment letter.... Just don't get it 😩😩
Are you cross with the sonographer/ hospital? Or with the man and his daughter?

Its really difficult. If the hospital make exceptions for women with previous difficult experiences/ anxiety or similar, it does make other women cross as they obviously won't be aware of the other womans specific circumstances and wonder why they can't bring a partner too. If the hospital doesn't make any exceptions, this is seen as wrong too, as there are women that would benefit from that additional support.

As others have said, its difficult because bringing a second person to the scan does double the number of people the sonographer is in contact with, which then increases the risk to all the pregnant women they subsequently see.

Unfortunately with this pandemic is that no one really know what is for the best and which risks outweigh which benefits. It must be really hard for those trying to make the right decisions.