Women going through ultrasounds alone.

[BigOlButt]

I think my views on this are quite biased as I have been here so many times but AIBU to think it's wrong that so many women are having to hear the devastating news that they have lost their baby at an ultrasound scan, alone.

I have had a large number of miscarriages, most of them were missed and only discovered at scan stage. I honestly would have been in pieces if I were to receive that news on my own.

I am currently pregnant and this time things have actually worked out which is great but I can't help but feel so sad about this.

I had a test done at around 12 weeks which was done alongside a scan and I was allowed my partner there as the test can be uncomfortable and you're allowed a support person for that. However he's not been allowed in for any routine scans (which is fine as baby has been okay but I can't imagine if it hadn't have been), plenty of people who get bad news at scan stage also need support, why is one allowed and another not?

It also seems like a kick in the teeth that people are allowed to go and get drunk in a pub, we're being actively encouraged to go out to restaurants etc... But this is still happening.

I get it, it's a hospital setting. But it just feels so harsh when you see what is opening up elsewhere.

Tunnock, I'm sorry for your friend, but the hard part in me is saying surely at 12 weeks she should have known nothing is certain? In all my pregnancies, I went into the scan room half expecting possible bad news. And unfortunately such is life. These things happen.

"All I have known since being pregnant is that your allowed a partner I wasn't around 'back in the day' when women went alone."

It wasnt back in the day. Lots of women go in alone, all the time, and are happy with that.

@Orchidsindoors I think you meant to say not ALL partners attend ultrasounds.

I'm aiming my view mainly at mothers to be, again I'm assuming that people with losses like myself have not managed just fine attending scans alone through this pandemic and when you say men often don't go to ultrasounds I think your very wrong ...often men will always support their partners it's not often men will turn down a chance to offer support and miss a chance on this journey to becoming a parent.
Just because you managed just fine doesn't mean others haven't

Good for you Orchard. Presumably your stiff upper lip isn’t shared by the entire female population and perhaps you recognise that some women would like to be supported.

@Orchidsindoors and a lot of women choose not to go alone either.

It's different for women who have major triggers and anxiety with baby loss attending scans ...so while I appreciate you managed just fine! I think you need to be aware a lot of people on this post haven't managed just fine and have past trauma relating to baby loss and walking into a scan room alone for them is terrifying

It's a disgrace and they need to FIND the room if that's the issue.
Covid should not be an excuse for being alone when receiving bad news.
johnscampaign.org.uk

Alviesmam

It really is quite normal for men to not turn up with their partners at ultrasounds. It doesnt mean they arent a supporting partner, that's just nasty. A lot of men cant get time off work. My partner attended the first scan and after that I was happy to go alone. And believe me, I had loads. Like I said, there are many many appointments women will need to go to in their life, that men dont go to, such as breast scans etc.

I completely agree with you OP. With my first pregnancy and bad news at an early scan because of bleeding, I couldn't even stand up on my own, my husband had to hold me up. I've since had 2 further losses and needed support. The staff in epu were distinctly lacking in care and compassion - one nurse waved me off merrily saying 'you don't make pregnancy easy, hope we don't see you here again!'

There's a distinct lack of compassion on this thread. My babies died and they were part of my husband too, does he not deserve to be there? (I've never made it to a routine nhs 12 week scan).

And given that it was announced last week the new guidance has been issued to sonographers that includes training to tell them to break difficult news to mums to be in a caring and compassionate way says a lot. I watched the news report and was instantly back in the scan room reliving my bad experiences - surely a human being with an ounce of empathy knows what kind of language to use but I've heard some dreadful stories.

Given that clinics give you a time and can call you in so you're not waiting around inside the hospital, I don't see why women have to go alone.

Wishing you well in your pregnancy OP x

I am with you on this OP

Pregnant women have been treated awfully during this period.

I went into premature labour and was not allowed my husband in with me because whilst I was labouring, and the monitor was showing our son was in major distress, the policy was he couldn't come in until I was 4cm, I was only 3cm. This was despite them knowing our history of our previous premature labour ending in our baby dying. When the Dr decided I would have to deliver via EMCS, my husband was not there and I was prepped for theatre alone. Thankfully he did end up making it up in the knick of time (my mum took over childcare and told him to head up to me anyway!). But post birth he was not allowed to stay, I had to remain isolating in NICU alone without any support and in constant fear that our son would die the same way his big brother did.

"It's different for women who have major triggers and anxiety with baby loss attending scans ...so while I appreciate you managed just fine! I think you need to be aware a lot of people on this post haven't managed just fine and have past trauma relating to baby loss and walking into a scan room alone for them is terrifying"

Alviesmam, everyone is different. A lot of women have devastating experiences, I dont think you should presume all women who have had miscarriages are then feeling petrified walking into scan rooms, because that's just not true. You also cant presume people who are saying they were ok going alone, and even chose to go alone, have had an easy time of it.

@lelophants
I can't imagine having contractions and carrying my hospital bag, pillow and hypno music whilst trying to book in at the desk all alone.
Then getting into a room, total strangers permitted but having to "prove" my body is at a stage of labour that allows my partner into the hospital.
If I have an emergency c-section, total strangers only when I am being prepped for theatre and my partner only having one hour with their newborn before being removed from hospital.
Barbaric

"20:22ZigZagPlant

Good for you Orchard. Presumably your stiff upper lip isn’t shared by the entire female population and perhaps you recognise that some women would like to be supported."

And perhaps you can recognise that a lot of women dont. Everyone is different.

@Orchidsindoors

I certainly do recognise that, that was exactly the point I was trying to make.

@Orchidsindoors I didn't say there weren't supporting their partner if they didn't attend, my husband came to my first scan and he worked on the second one but after my first scan I thought all was ok so wasn't bothered he had to work...turned out at my 20'week scan (the one where he didn't attend) that my baby wasn't compatible with life... hence the major trigger when falling again and having to go alone this time.
I just think your insensitive to the people who haven't had a positive experience at their first scan, like I keep saying just because you were fine doesn't mean other women will be fine attending alone. Like you said your husband was there for your first scan which most men are! I'm sure if that had been a bad experience for you you would have wanted your partner with you all the way through your next pregnancy.

No Zag, you said a lot of women like to be supported, and I said a lot dont!

'MAlviesmam, everyone is different. A lot of women have devastating experiences, I dont think you should presume all women who have had miscarriages are then feeling petrified walking into scan rooms, because that's just not true. You also cant presume people who are saying they were ok going alone, and even chose to go alone, have had an easy time of it.''

Just look at the amount of posters on here who have had bad experiences and agree with the OP, I'm sure the majority of women who have had a loss or multiple losses would 100% want a loved one as a support. You fear the absolute worse after a loss and I would be very suprised them wanting to be alone!!

Of course revenue matters. What the hell else do you imagine pays for furlough , covid testing, the covid impact on NHS services, propping up businesses and industries so people can still earn a living? So that we can still have public transport services?

When all those people lose their living, and  claim benefits,  how do you imagine this country is going to pay for it all?

A lot of women can want support and a lot of women don't - neither of those are exclusive statements that discount the other unless you refuse the other is also true.

I'm glad some women are happy to go it alone; however, no matter how many women are happy with that, is it really that hard to recognise that is not universal, that it doesn't make someone a better person or make it easier for those of us where it isn't, and that there are many reasons why the prospect is horrible, even terrifying for some?

I can remember when it was no big deal for me either, it was 16 years ago while I was in hospital, 16 weeks pregnant with my first, smiling and waving my spouse goodbye after he'd been asked to leave, not knowing the professional intended to attack and rape me.

Sure, it's no big deal for many women. That doesn't change how it feels to the rest of us. From those who've dealt with heartbreaking pregnancy loss to those who've dealt with medical abuse, it's rough and some hospitals are being more caring about the hard situation for patients and staff than others. There is no reason not to recognise that even if nothing can be done about that right now.

ZigZagPlant

@Orchidsindoors

I said and I quote:-

recognise that some women would like to be supported.

Note the use of the word some, for the avoidance of doubt that means not all.

I'm glad some women are happy to go it alone; however, no matter how many women are happy with that, is it really that hard to recognise that is not universal, that it doesn't make someone a better person or make it easier for those of us where it isn't, and that there are many reasons why the prospect is horrible, even terrifying for some?

Exactly. Neither view is any less or more valid. Everyone’s feelings are valid.

I’m so sorry you experienced that BiBabbles. I cannot imagine the trauma you must have experienced.

I appreciate women wanting to go alone - I am probably jealous of their confidence and positivity!

I also appreciate women who need support-I can relate to this massively.

There is no right or wrong in this debate but I think some posters need to be that little bit more sensitive as to why certain women like me need support and not question it.

"I just think your insensitive to the people who haven't had a positive experience at their first scan, like I keep saying just because you were fine doesn't mean other women will be fine attending alone. Like you said your husband was there for your first scan which most men are! I'm sure if that had been a bad experience for you you would have wanted your partner with you all the way through your next pregnancy"

No you are presuming wrong. You are very wrongly presuming that those people who say they managed fine alone, all had previous positive outcomes. Surely you can comprehend that everyone copes differently and a lot of women who do get shocking news, who were alone, cope ok. When I say ok and fine, I mean they coped, not that they come out happy and unaffected. And my main point is that an awful lot of women attend scans alone anyway, this is a perfectly normal occurrence. And yes, my partner attended 12 week scans, he didnt attend 8 and 9 week scans where the outcome was not so positive, but I coped, and was fine. I was happy he wasnt there for those. I was able to attend several more scans alone, so you are not correct at all in saying that women who get bad news at scans cannot cope alone going forward in other pregnancies. Everyone copes differently. As I said, in one pregnancy I had to be scanned every week, and I was in hospital long term, there was no way my partner could have attended those, and it could have been bad news at any one of them.

"There is no right or wrong in this debate but I think some posters need to be that little bit more sensitive as to why certain women like me need support and not question it."
This is clearly at me, all I would add is that women also need to realise that a lot of women are able to attend alone, and those women shouldn't be bullied on here for stating this.

It must be horrendous, I just thought about it the other day. Even worse is that some screening has been seen as unnecessary and suspended or replaced with phone appointments. My gynaecologist appointment for a 3rd degree tear follow up was conducted over the phone We were lucky that our trust (unlike some other NHS trusts) was still running hip scans and our lockdown baby was diagnosed and successfully treated for hip dysplasia but I hate to think of parents and babies whose medical conditions will go undiagnosed and they will have to undergo more intrusive and painful treatment later on. No doubt the secondary impact of COVID will be costly and will cause a great deal of suffering, lack of emotional support being the least

"Just look at the amount of posters on here who have had bad experiences and agree with the OP, I'm sure the majority of women who have had a loss or multiple losses would 100% want a loved one as a support. You fear the absolute worse after a loss and I would be very suprised them wanting to be alone!!"

Mumsnet isnt absolute. For every woman on here saying they didnt want to go in a scan room alone, there will be another woman in real life who didn't want anyone with her. My Sister had 4 miscarriages, she always chose to go alone. It's not unusual in life that people react in different ways.