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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Women going through ultrasounds alone.

152 replies

BigOlButt · 14/08/2020 15:36

I think my views on this are quite biased as I have been here so many times but AIBU to think it's wrong that so many women are having to hear the devastating news that they have lost their baby at an ultrasound scan, alone.

I have had a large number of miscarriages, most of them were missed and only discovered at scan stage. I honestly would have been in pieces if I were to receive that news on my own.

I am currently pregnant and this time things have actually worked out which is great but I can't help but feel so sad about this.

I had a test done at around 12 weeks which was done alongside a scan and I was allowed my partner there as the test can be uncomfortable and you're allowed a support person for that. However he's not been allowed in for any routine scans (which is fine as baby has been okay but I can't imagine if it hadn't have been), plenty of people who get bad news at scan stage also need support, why is one allowed and another not?

It also seems like a kick in the teeth that people are allowed to go and get drunk in a pub, we're being actively encouraged to go out to restaurants etc... But this is still happening.

I get it, it's a hospital setting. But it just feels so harsh when you see what is opening up elsewhere.

OP posts:

Vik81 · 14/08/2020 16:37

The nurse who saw me also said, that if she had to change one rule it would be this. She said she's found the situation traumatising having to see so many women go through the trauma alone.

TheAquaticDuchess · 14/08/2020 16:39

It has been tough. I think most trusts are now allowing partners, though. My husband wasn’t allowed to attend my 12 week scan but he could come to the 20 week scan.

Luckily everything has been fine for me but my heart really goes out to any woman who had to face getting bad news on her own at a scan.

EatsShootsAndRuns · 14/08/2020 16:46

Like a PP I've had to go for extensive scans, biopsies and surgery by myself. I go back by myself next week for my results.

I've also had scans which showed my pregnancies weren't progressing and the worst part of that was leaving the scan room in misery to walk through a waiting room full of toddlers whom their parents had deemed necessary to be there despite a no children in scan room policy.

nasiisthebest · 14/08/2020 16:47

I've had bad scans through three pregnancies, first and second trimester and I could live with going it alone. We do these standard scans for a reason and we all know that the chance of miscarriage/ectopic/severe birth defects is quite high. It's extremely depressing but most of us know that it's not a fun gender scan.

What I can't fathom is why they had to tell my aunt all alone that she had cancer and only a few months to live. That I cannot find acceptable in any way. It wasn't forseen to be such bad news. She had travel home alone for over an hour and tell her family. That was brutal. She was so scared.

Mseddy · 14/08/2020 16:49

I agree with you. It's rubbish. I'm about to go through my second round of IVF albeit this time without my husband next to me. Every scan I have during the process can be tough, hearing your follicles arnt developing etc. Then after the procedure when they come and tell you the outcome of how many eggs etc. To have to go through that alone if it's bad news will be awful!! I can't even allow myself to think if I get pregnant my husband won't be allowed to be there for my 7week viability scan

shipperssss · 14/08/2020 16:50

I haven't RTFT, but I've just found out this week that I'm pregnant with my 3rd DC. I have absolutely no idea how far along I am, wether it's viable etc (have had previous loss) as I was on the pill. I will be scanned on either Monday or Tuesday to see where we are at but tbh I'm absolutely petrified.
I'm scared its ectopic as the pill side effects say it's a risk and I'm just generally very anxious about it all and wish my DH could be there with me!

MindyStClaire · 14/08/2020 16:52

Yup. I had a MMC and after the scan there was an adorable toddler prancing around the waiting room. I remember saying to DH it was a good job she reminded me of our similar aged DD, if it had been a first pregnancy we'd lost it would've been devastating to listen to.

notalwaysalondoner · 14/08/2020 16:53

I have mixed views. In June I had a private early scan that DH attended where they identified a missed miscarriage at nine weeks. I’m so happy he was there with me, mainly because I can’t imagine having to break the news to him myself rather than him finding out during the appointment. But on the other hand hospitals have a lot of vulnerable people there who aren’t there by choice (unlike a pub) and are also likely to be hotbeds of infection. So I do understand the rule. Your desire to have emotional support does not trump other patients’ rights (and the wider community’s) to be safe.

Tee79 · 14/08/2020 16:53

I understand that they are trying to keep everyone safe but there’s got to be a better way. I’m going in for a scan on Monday as my doctor thinks I’m having a miscarriage (I’m 5 weeks 4 days). I’ve been told my partner won’t be allowed to come with me, so I’m going to have to go on my own which I’m dreading

ChocoholicMama · 14/08/2020 16:56

My understanding is most trusts have always allowed a partner in straight away for support if bad news was found at a scan. Yes, that means they’re not their for the initial shock but allowed in quickly afterwards. Thankfully all my scans have gone fine (I’ve been alone for every appt and scan so far) and honestly, I’ve been grateful to have very quiet waiting rooms. It’s a pandemic, we have to accept it is not normality and things have to run differently for a while.

startrek90 · 14/08/2020 16:56

It's a hard one as I see both sides. I absolutely see your point about bad news etc but at the same time it's also a necessary evil. I am due any day now and I have had a difficult pregnancy. I have gone to every appointment and scan alone as my husband has not been allowed to come. Its been a strange pregnancy to be sure but I have found a strange inner strength I didn't have before. I get you though, it's not my first choice but it is the o nly one available to me.

wigglerose · 14/08/2020 16:57

I've had to go through scans alone and touch wood it has been ok. The idea of finding out bad news on my own, having to walk back through the hospital on my own, having to tell my husband, deal with his questions...doesn't bear thinking about.

That said, I understand the reasons why, and I support them. Life is difficult for lots of people in different ways right now.

Ahorsecalledseptember · 14/08/2020 16:59

The other side to this, is that in some cases a medical procedure (scan) is turned into a bit of a circus with not only partners but children, and other relatives there.

I think it was reasonable to request one other adult. But I also don’t think it was unreasonable to restrict that at the start of all this.

MrsEvedder · 14/08/2020 17:02

I work in a hospital, I carry out tests and have done all the way through Covid. I have to be in very close proximity to my patients. Our clinic rooms are tiny. 2 people in the clinic room is doubling MY risk of catching Covid. That's why I don't want 2 people in my clinic room.
Saying that, I won't be giving any upsetting news or results and can understand that side of it. But still don't think nhs staff need to have the extra risk.
Someone also mentioned about waiting rooms, this is true. We have 5 seats, that's it. Both our receptionists had Covid so they were very obviously at a high risk of catching it with the amount of people they were exposed to and we need to reduce that number as much as possible.

Xenia · 14/08/2020 17:04

My husband never got to any of my scans for 5 babies (as he's a teacher so they cannot take time off work in the way others can)

Original poster

BigOlButt · 14/08/2020 17:07

I don't really understand the 'my husband didn't come to any of my scans', 'I didn't find it too bad, preferred to be on my own' etc... Comments.

Many women do want their husbands there and many women do find it very distressing being alone.

I completely appreciate the other comments and reasonings and I do understand them and accept my closeness to the subject probably makes it difficult for me to see it from a more logical stand point.

OP posts:

cyantist · 14/08/2020 17:27

My husband couldn't be there for my 20 week scan where there were complications found. I was in there 1hr30 for a 30 min appointment and he had no idea why. He also wasn't allowed to any of the follow up scans where more investigations were done.

However that wasn't as bad as him not being allowed in for my induction and me having to go through all of childbirth alone, not having his support and him not being able to see his baby being born. I understand why these rules are in place but it's so tough having to do all that on your own

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/08/2020 17:37

My understanding is most trusts have always allowed a partner in straight away for support if bad news was found at a scan this should be the case.
OP thank you for clarifying the extra time re: next steps if one was to hear the worse. I think at that point partners could be allowed in.

islandislandisland · 14/08/2020 17:39

My trust is now allowing partners to 12 week scan only so if you go to your 20 week one you get to watch other women sitting with their partners whilst you can't have your own support, as well as be exposed to more people, for no benefit to you. Why they couldn't have made it all scans I do not know.

BiBabbles · 14/08/2020 17:45

YANBU. It is rough, the consequences will be felt for some time, both for those going without support in horrible times and those who not attend in the current situation.

Where I am, for the last year or so pre-COVID, there was a push to make sure people knew that they can bring a 'chaperone' (the term they most often used, I'd prefer support person) or request one. Posters and things, all to help more people access medical services. Having gone through medical abuse, this was important to me, it took over a decade after a medical professional attacked me (while my spouse was waiting outside) before I'd willing go into a medical situation alone again.

Now, obviously, that's scrapped plus the general atmosphere of not wanting to put any more burden on the NHS means fewer people will access services when they probably should, people aren't getting the support they need, and medical staff are under more pressure to be that support. It's a shite situation and I feel every sympathy for those unhappily going through it.

PrincessMaryaBolkonskaya · 14/08/2020 17:51

I’ve recently had a miscarriage confirmed at a scan and had left DP in the car (as instructed). The woman in the room before me had her partner with her. I was waiting for ages for a second clinician to confirm a miscarriage but wasn’t told I could get DP to come in. I was crying too much to ask. I then had to tell him the sad news which was pretty distressing.

I don’t know the answer though. It seems to be Trust level decisions.

Oddsocks101 · 14/08/2020 17:52

I am pregnant and my partner has not been allowed at any scans (i know some trusts have opened up a bit more recently, but still no partners allowed where I live). I have found that quite tough. However, I also work in an NHS hospital. When I’m at work I am often very close to patients and although we have PPE my risk of exposure is definitely increased when there are extra people in our test rooms as the rooms are often too small to keep proper distance. I know that people who live together will probably both get/have it, but the partner might be more symptomatic than the patient the day they come to the hospital, or be one of those super spreaders, or be more prone to cough, and so having them there does feel like it increases the risk to staff and anyone else around in the hospital. It’s so hard though, I sympathise with everyone involved; the patients, their loved ones, the staff. I guess at the moment we are all trying our best. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be upset or annoyed or frustrated by the situations we are finding ourselves in (as either a patient or a staff member)....

eeyore228 · 14/08/2020 18:18

That’s the issue though. Those going in need to go and for many if they contract Covid will become more unwell than maybe you or I. So limiting those in the hospital for treatment with no relatives may suck but is done for the best reasons because as before we don’t know who’s a carrier. It’s harsh but necessary to do what they can to protect people.

PicaK · 14/08/2020 18:53

I guess it's a safety thing. I do see the practicality - less risk of infection to a healthy baby vs emotional benefit.
I've been with my DH and had bad news and on my own and had bad news. Tbh they both felt equally bloody awful. That's cold comfort I know. I'd always want my DP there but as it's unlikely the rules will change soon I thought it worth sharing.

WendyImHome · 14/08/2020 18:57

I've just had to do the scan, bad news, follow-up appointments, SMM etc alone. It has been tough, but at the same time, I do understand why. I would have obviously completely preferred my DH to be there, but as PP said, it would be unfair on medical staff at this time

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