Women going through ultrasounds alone.

[BigOlButt]

I think my views on this are quite biased as I have been here so many times but AIBU to think it's wrong that so many women are having to hear the devastating news that they have lost their baby at an ultrasound scan, alone.

I have had a large number of miscarriages, most of them were missed and only discovered at scan stage. I honestly would have been in pieces if I were to receive that news on my own.

I am currently pregnant and this time things have actually worked out which is great but I can't help but feel so sad about this.

I had a test done at around 12 weeks which was done alongside a scan and I was allowed my partner there as the test can be uncomfortable and you're allowed a support person for that. However he's not been allowed in for any routine scans (which is fine as baby has been okay but I can't imagine if it hadn't have been), plenty of people who get bad news at scan stage also need support, why is one allowed and another not?

It also seems like a kick in the teeth that people are allowed to go and get drunk in a pub, we're being actively encouraged to go out to restaurants etc... But this is still happening.

I get it, it's a hospital setting. But it just feels so harsh when you see what is opening up elsewhere.

@Orchidsindoors

I haven't said all women with losses can't cope on their own in a scan I said the majority would probably feel this way it's a natural feeling after bad news to want a loved one with you.

And I also didn't say women with good outcomes haven't had a previous loss, I assumed this , but that's just my point of view because I haven't managed just fine with my pregnancy journey through this pandemic.

I've also said in my last comment I appreciate both sides to this, some women are stronger than others and yes we all cope differently.

"I'm glad some women are happy to go it alone; however, no matter how many women are happy with that, is it really that hard to recognise that is not universal, that it doesn't make someone a better person or make it easier for those of us where it isn't, and that there are many reasons why the prospect is horrible, even terrifying for some?"

Nobody has said that women who coped alone were a better person? A lot of people on here have tried to infer that if you dont need someone with you, that you are somehow uncaring against those that do.

My Sister had 4 miscarriages, she always chose to go alone. It's not unusual in life that people react in different ways.

The point of this post and that which you seem to be missing is the matter of choice.

As you said your sister chose to be alone. I didn’t. I would have liked my husband with me during my diagnoses and before surgery.

It’s great for your sister that she felt comfortable alone and that was a choice afforded to her. To put into perspective imagine your sister was forced to be accompanied but would have preferred to have been alone.

I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make? You have said, quite rightly, that some women are comfortable being alone as though that in itself makes it easier for the women who aren’t comfortable being alone. Do you think your experience of being alone and being fine helps women like me who feel their trauma has been worsened through receiving bad news and being alone?

I don’t think the purpose of this post was to weigh up being alone vs being accompanied but to recognise that for some women being alone has been a difficult experience and that as a consequence of Covid, many more women have had to endure that than they would have otherwise.

Of course lots of women will be fine going in for a scan on their own. I had a previous miscarriage, and also was told some bad news at the 20 week scan. All the follow up scan I had to attend alone were a bit stressful but I coped fine and I wasn't that disappointed that hubby couldn't attend.

But not everyone is like me and the problem is for those who do want the extra support of a partner, that isn't an option.

I'm with you op. I had two MMC's and thankfully now have my rainbow boy. I also have a phobia of all things medical (didn't even step foot in a gp surgery for 10 years through fear) so the idea of having to go to a scan alone is frankly petrifying. In fact I'm not even sure I could do it.

Those scans where my MMC's were discovered and the subsequent rescans are some of the most traumatic experiences I've ever had. Without my partner there I don't know what idve done.

But it's also the fact the baby's father is being excluded. Yes you carry the baby as the mother, but the baby is 50% the dads too. I also wouldn't have wanted him to miss the joy and relief of seeing our boys heartbeat for the first time having experienced the grief and pain of losing our first two.

There are ways to reduce the contact. Now pretty much everyone has a mobile there's really no need for lots of people in a waiting room. A call to say the sonographer will be ready in 5 mins etc would sort that surely?

I think the dad/one other person should allowed if the mother feels she needs that support.

@suzy2b

I was pregnant 3 times it never occurred to me to take my partner.Third time I had bleeding just before my 12 week scan when I wet for scan on my own It was found nothing there It was just one of those things never it was no biggy

What is the relevance of comments like this. It may be 'no biggy' for you, and for others. But it very much is a 'biggy' for some women.

Just because you managed alone just fine, lots of other women won't.

You have always had the choice to not bring a partner / support person if you'd rather go alone. Fortunately, those of us who did feel we needed someone there were also afforded that choice, until now.

If you never have wanted a partner to attend a scan and would rather do it alone anyway then this doesn't affect you does it?

I don't really see anyone bullying anyone for saying that. Just saying that you don't speak for all women and lots of us would feel like we needed someone there should the news be bad.

I have only ever had 1 scan out of 12 that have been positive. It's a massive thing to me. It's a traumatic trigger and yes I feel like I need support during that. It's okay that you feel differently.

I don't really see anyone bullying anyone for saying that. Just saying that you don't speak for all women and lots of us would feel like we needed someone there should the news be bad.

Exactly. Smacks of “I’m alright jack, FU.”

I hear you OP and I agree. It’s something I feel quite unhappy about when I recall the events of the last few weeks. I was so frightened when I was told my ectopic had ruptured and was prepped for theatre. I would have just liked to have squeezed my DH’s hand. I am terrified of trying again and hope I can have DH with me in the future.

I’m glad to hear that for some women they have managed ok (and that in some instances it was their preference) to have been alone. But that doesn’t alter my own experience. Or yours.

I also had to chose what to do with the “remains” and would have liked to have ran this by DH: I didn’t have an opportunity to. Another Covid byproduct.

"My Sister had 4 miscarriages, she always chose to go alone. It's not unusual in life that people react in different ways."

"The point of this post and that which you seem to be missing is the matter ofchoice".

Not missing that at all, just stating that for a lot of women they prefer to be alone, so for them, it wont matter that covid is now dictating this. This is a valid point.

"As you said your sisterchoseto be alone. I didn’t. I would have liked my husband with me during my diagnoses and before surgery."

And that's fair enough, but a lot dont.

"It’s great for your sister that she felt comfortable alone and that was a choice afforded to her. To put into perspective imagine your sister was forced to be accompanied but would have preferred to have been alone."

This would never happen, so rather a stupid point.

"I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make?"

I've already explained this. The thread is pointed that due to covid, women are having to attend alone. My point is that a lot of women are happy with this scenario. Some posters wrongly tried to state that all women who have had previous bad experiences are then not able to cope going forward, I stated that this wasnt the case, as everyone is different. You cant presume that all women who have had previous bad experiences and multiple losses then cant cope and find it difficult to go alone. It's not wrong to state this.

"You have said, quite rightly, that some women are comfortable being alone as though that in itself makes it easier for the women whoaren’tcomfortable being alone."

That's rather a strange statement and completely misunderstood on your part. Stating a lot of women are comfortable going alone in no way goes on to say that makes it easier for other women to go alone.

"Do you think your experience of being alone and being fine helps women like me who feel their trauma has been worsened through receiving bad news and being alone?"
Why would you think that? ,that's totally irrational.

"I don’t think the purpose of this post was to weigh up being alone vs being accompanied but to recognise that for some women being alone has been a difficult experience and that as a consequence of Covid, many more women have had to endure that than they would have otherwise.

I dont think the purpose of the thread was for you to have a go at other posters who have had a different experience to you.

@Big - I get it. Im 31 weeks pregnant with our 1st. Thankfully for us the baby has been fine throughout however I have had extreme hyperemisis and none if my family in the local area so couldn't see any of them throughout lockdown. Its tough, your feelings are your feelings and they are valid regardless of others experiences or how they have handled those experiences

Wanting the issues the current situation causes women who struggle to go to medical appointments alone acknowledged as an issue isn't bullying anyone. It's just acknowledging one more painful part of this whole situation for many. I found the going on about it being a luxury rather than a right - when it was a right in many places to enable more to have medical access until very recently - to imply that those who happily go without such luxuries as being better. That's typically how calling something a luxury in that matter goes on these types of threads,.

And yeah, when many are expressing how difficult it is for them to do something, discussing heartbreaking experiences, going on about how easy it is for many does come across as uncaring or at least inconsiderate. We would think it a bit heartless if someone discussed mobility problems, some discussing what help they needed, and then many discussed how easy walking is.

ZigZagPlant Thank you for your kind comment. With so many giving their and their friend's heartbreaking experiences of pregnancy loss, I was unsure about sharing it. I've worried since reports of the removal of the right to support/'chaperones', services are so drained to expect them to give the support for everyone and 'chaperones' were brought in both to prevent professionals from accusations and to protect patients from the worst in the profession. For all of us, it shouldn't disregarded even if most will never want to use it.

This has been said on so many threads, but a server in a bar doesn't treat ill or pregnant women. He or she isn't in close proximity to lots of other HCPs all day.
You would be the first one to complain if you caught Covid at a scan and the first one to complain if it harmed your unborn child. And rightly so.
Yes, PPC is worn during a scan, but if Covid hangs in the air or stays on surfaces as suspected, it isn't risk-free.

Valid yes - but you’re attempting to rebut the experiences of others by referencing your own.

I dont think the purpose of the thread was for you to have a go at other posters who have had a different experience to you.

Agreed and fortunately I haven’t attempted to that, instead I have shared my own views having given consideration to your previous posts. I think it’s called a discussion...

"I don't really see anyone bullying anyone for saying that. Just saying that you don't speak for all women and lots of us would feel like we needed someone there should the news be bad"
I never said I spoke for all women. Why cant it just be equally accepted that not all women need to be accompanied, and that actually it's not a bad thing to point that out. It is bullying. Why do people to start with the nastiness of "why do you think you talk for everyone" which isnt true, or accused of being uncaring or having a stiff upper lip. Why can't people just accept that by saying some women cope fine, isn't a slur against this who struggle?

Why cant it just be equally accepted that not all women need to be accompanied

This has been acknowledged several times. We get it. It is not a matter in dispute.

"Valid yes - but you’re attempting to rebut the experiences of others by referencing your own."

No, you have done that. I havent. You clearly cant accept other peoples experiences or that other women dont feel the same. You clearly dont want people to state their experiences if they are different to yours.

I've worried since reports of the removal of the right to support/'chaperones', services are so drained to expect them to give the support for everyone

FWIW I did have a chaperone with me at all times, I wasn’t ever scanned nor treated alone in all 3 of my scans. But obviously it wasn’t a chaperone of my choice.

just stating that for a lot of women they prefer to be alone, so for them, it wont matter that covid is now dictating this

But I don't see the point of commenting this. Those women aren't the ones I feel sorry for obviously, because they would rather be alone and can be so, they always have been able to be so if they wanted. Nothing has changed for them. I feel sorry for the women who do want support and are now unable to have it.

I'm not saying it's wrong that some women want to be alone, fine. But I don't see the relevance to the thread personally.

I might be fine going to have X procedure done on my own but I appreciate not all women will be and do would prefer that they had the choice. I wouldn't just say it's 'no biggy'.

You clearly cant accept other peoples experiences or that other women dont feel the same. You clearly dont want people to state their experiences if they are different to yours.

I wholeheartedly recognise this and have agreed with you on this point throughout.

Why cant it just be equally accepted that not all women need to be accompanied, and that actually it's not a bad thing to point that out

I do accept that. But it doesn't change the fact that I think it's wrong that women aren't given the choice which was the purpose of the thread

"I wouldn't just say it's 'no biggy'."

The poster who said this, obviously felt this way. She was explaining what it was like for her. It might be her way of coping. This is her valid opinion. Lots of women feel this way I'm sure.

"I do accept that. But it doesn't change the fact that I think it's wrong that women aren't given the choice which was the purpose of the thread"

I dont think its unusual for a thread based on how sad it is women have to be alone at scans because of covid, will naturally invite women who have been fine coping alone, to say so.

What is it you’re hoping to achieve Orchard? Myself and pp have agreed with the substantive point you’re trying to make. We haven’t shared the same experience and recognise that.

Can we not talk through our trauma and recognise that? Or will you remind us that you don’t feel that way. It feels a little like you’re trying to funnel this discussion in order that we agree and don’t add our own unique experiences. Do you think that’s constructive?

"I wholeheartedly recognise this and have agreed with you on this point throughout."

Not true at all, but we will leave it there

Although I am very sympathetic, i don't see the point in comparing it to people sitting in pubs, it's a completely different thing. I guess it's to protect the person doing in the scan who has no choice but to be in close proximity to you. And it reduces the risk of passing Covid around the most vulnerable people.