To leave for a few days without saying anything?

[Endoftheline2020]

First time posting but I have lurked on the boards since TTC.

DH and I have been fighting pretty much non-stop since DC was born. The first month or so we parented well together but I feel like once the novelty wore off and he went back to work, he figured that parenting was my problem. I have felt massively let down by his lack of help and have made no secret of my resentment. He doesn’t do nappies, feeds, baths or naps. He loves playing with the baby and will ‘take charge’ while we are out (usually pushing the pram) but that is it.

I am exhausted and feel like I have no time for myself. I constantly bring this up and point out what I need help with only to be shouted down. Each argument gets twisted into how everything is my fault and I just haven’t ‘taken to motherhood.’ I tell him that I thought we were going to co-parent and that not all the responsibility would fall to me. I just I thought I could rely on him to be a father not a playmate.

He wanted children even before me and was keen to TTC. We had several losses and were going to be investigated until I fell pregnant with DC who ‘stuck.’ I’m shocked that someone who wanted children so badly and who was devastated with each loss could now be an indifferent father to our much-wanted baby.

So I come to my problem. We have both been WFH during lockdown. Monday he will need to travel in to work, giving me a chance to pack up with DC to go to a friend’s house for a few days. I feel like the space might helps us realise whether or not we want to continue our marriage though I am close to being done. AIBU?

I don’t know if he would forgive me for leaving but I don’t know if I can forgive him for failing us both so badly.

Thank you for sharing that.

Part of me thinks a slow descent into this behaviour could show there can be a slow ascent the other way but actions speak louder and once your eyes have been opened there is no unseeing the situation you are in.

You are wise to continue to make plans to extract yourself whilst the work situation unfolds, as hard as that will be for you mentally as well as financially.

Sending you hugs and fortitude and that we are still here supporting you as you figure out your next steps.

@DeegeeDee Thanks for the encouragement. We just had an all out screaming row this morning so I feel more inclined to leave. I can't keep doing this. But work announced plans for redundancies last week and it looks like there will be several rounds before the year is out, so everything is so uncertain.

Ah OP, that's bad timing WRT redundancies. I'm pleased things have improved very slightly but it doesn't really sound as though he's ever going to see himself as a parent with equal responsibilities.

You sound as though you're gradually emotionally detaching yourself and saving as hard as you can, so when you are in a position to leave, it won't be such a wrench. Have you been on the government 'entitled to' website to see what financial help would be available?

@chargeorge

after he's gone to work and as you leave then a text to say just so you know I'm taking a few days with 'x' away as I need a break. I'll be staying with my friend and you can contact me by text only and I'll be back on Sunday (or whatever). Once I'm home we need to talk about your commitment to our child and our marriage/relationship

I hope it goes ok and have a good break

Charlotte

This

@MsVestibule I will take a look, thanks for the suggestion. I just can't believe what my life is like now. Just over a year ago, I would have imagined myself in the first trimester with number two, content with my home and work life. Now I am crunching numbers to see if it's viable to go it in my own while praying I don't get made redundant.

Sounds really hard OP. However, you come across as such a strong, intelligent, hard working woman and a great mum. If you decide to leave, you will be ok. You may find it all easier without a manchild to drag you down. And yes, you may not have a second child. But if he is so lazy now, imagine how much worse he will be if you reward him with a second baby and also how much work it'll be. Life doesn't work out as we hope and we can't control other people's behaviour. You can't make him a good father. But you can decide how you live the rest of your life.

My ex-DH decided to become a lazy misogynistic twat after we got married. After our divorce i asked him why he was suddenly that way, his response was he didn't think I would leave because we were now married and that I would just eventually change. Men often ramp up their behaviour after marriage and especially after a baby has come along. Leaving ex DH means I now don't have the 2 kids I thought I would have by now. I may never have them. But I prefer being happy to being a domestic slave to a lazy mysognistic twat.

DON'T leave the baby with him.

I was advised to do that, as he'd 'get a dose of reality once he had to change a nappy'.

He disappeared with her within 2 hours and when he eventually reappeared FOUR MONTHS LATER applied for sole custody on the grounds that I had 'abandoned her' and I was clearly mentally unfit to be a mother.

All because I wanted to go to a friend's house and get four full hours' sleep instead of him keeping me awake by insisting that the TV was on all night whilst he slept (he'd wake up if I switched it off).

He was also a huge fan of performative parenting. He used it in his statement for the residence application.

Go with the baby. And if he doesn't know where you are, no papers can be served on you before you've had time to consult a bulldog of a solicitor.

@CourtneyLurve

Definitely leave... but for good. He isn't going to change at this late in the game.

This x 100 OP.

Many commentators seem to lack basic comprehension skills. Your DH has been like this for 14 months, you are not a SAHM (even if you were this would be unacceptable behavior everywhere but on MN), you have tried talking it over and suggested counselling.

OP, you are flogging a dead horse. Leave and sort out your plans for long term while you are away.

Sorry OP, I didn’t realise things had moved on. Usually I read all the OP posts before I comment. However, your updates have not shown any reason for me to change my advice. Best wishes.

Not sure if anyone is still checking this, but felt I need to update.

Things aren't working and I need to leave, redundancy or not. None of the promises have been kept since I returned and he has become really nasty. He is so critical or me, to the point that he will have a go at me for any thing or mine left out of place in a room, even if the whole room is a tip. This morning, I left the room to avoid a confrontation after he shouted at me when I tipped over a porridge box. Nothing spilled, or broke, I just immediately righted the box. But apparently there is 'something wrong with me' and 'what the hell is your problem' because of a tipped box? After leaving the room, he followed me yelling at me with the baby in his arms, nearly shaking with rage.

I am so scared. I am an immigrant and have no family here. I have good friends but they have their own lives and wouldn't be able to help for more than a couple of nights. I am in the middle of a redundancy consultation and just don't know what is going to happen. But I can't stay here.

Hi @Endoftheline2020 have you had any contact with women’s aid? If you go over to the relationships board there’s a sticky post at the top with information for women escaping abuse.

Thanks @Rainbowshine . I should say I am not afraid of him physically, just of starting over especially when the world is a mess. But he genuinely doesn't see how his behaviour is toxic. He always thinks I should apologise when the fights begin because of his unreasonable behaviour. And he will demand apologies from me then when he doesn't get them, just fly off the handle again.

I wish I could go six months ahead of time and have things figured out.

I wouldn't play games like this - especially with a child involved!! It sounds like he is a disappointment and your marriage is failing. If you want to leave, leave. I would if I was you. If you want to stay then you need some professional help to see if you two can turn things around.

I remember your thread from Aug, I'm sorry things are worse but so glad you're leaving. What is the housing situation, do you rent or have a mortgage? The police are helpful even if DH is being aggressive but not physically abusive, please call them.

I think to leave without saying anything would be rather unfair. BUT It does sound like he needs a wake up call. Could you not pack your stuff and have everything at your friends but meet him after work and explain to him that you are going and why.

In my experience talking things through is the only way to resolve differences.

You need to leave him with the kids.

I had my third child when my first was just two years and six weeks and fucked off to my mums for a while and left him to do everything. Best thing I ever did as he hit the ground running every evening when he came home from work.

Oh sorry just realised I’m months behind. Ignore my post, I hope you’re alright.

@Meraas We are living in a place owned by one of his relatives. We pay well below market rent and there is an understanding that he will inherit as we are putting work into the house. This is why we have been able to afford living where we are. It will be much harder going on my own, and I won't be able to afford anything bigger than a one bed with no garden.

@Endoftheline2020 would you be entitled to any benefits? Even a 1 bed flat will feel like a sanctuary after you are away from him. You will be able to relax and breathe. What are your next steps?

I would absolutely leave, but do text him setting out why you needed a break and your expectations for the future. Be very specific. "I would like you to look after the baby for a day a weekend, change, feed etc and help out during the week (be as specific as possible). If he refuses very reasonable requests such as changing nappies etc, then he will rightly appear like a knob. And don't let him push the pram in public to gain Kudos. You push the pram whilst also carrying the shopping, whilst yawning heavily and make people see him for what he is.

Youd never have felt secure with a man who asks you to leave whenever he is questioned, so a one bed flat of your own is a positive.

Why do people only read the first post of a three month old thread and still think their advice is valuable?!

@Arthersleep at least do the OP the courtesy of reading the whole thread before wading in with irrelevant advice

Google women's refuges in your area. If you can get to one, they will be able to advise you on next steps.

Hope you are OK, OP. xx