To leave for a few days without saying anything?

[Endoftheline2020]

First time posting but I have lurked on the boards since TTC.

DH and I have been fighting pretty much non-stop since DC was born. The first month or so we parented well together but I feel like once the novelty wore off and he went back to work, he figured that parenting was my problem. I have felt massively let down by his lack of help and have made no secret of my resentment. He doesn’t do nappies, feeds, baths or naps. He loves playing with the baby and will ‘take charge’ while we are out (usually pushing the pram) but that is it.

I am exhausted and feel like I have no time for myself. I constantly bring this up and point out what I need help with only to be shouted down. Each argument gets twisted into how everything is my fault and I just haven’t ‘taken to motherhood.’ I tell him that I thought we were going to co-parent and that not all the responsibility would fall to me. I just I thought I could rely on him to be a father not a playmate.

He wanted children even before me and was keen to TTC. We had several losses and were going to be investigated until I fell pregnant with DC who ‘stuck.’ I’m shocked that someone who wanted children so badly and who was devastated with each loss could now be an indifferent father to our much-wanted baby.

So I come to my problem. We have both been WFH during lockdown. Monday he will need to travel in to work, giving me a chance to pack up with DC to go to a friend’s house for a few days. I feel like the space might helps us realise whether or not we want to continue our marriage though I am close to being done. AIBU?

I don’t know if he would forgive me for leaving but I don’t know if I can forgive him for failing us both so badly.

Hope you are OK OP?

Hope you are back at your friend with DC.

I've just seen this thread and am sad but unsurprised at your update. Even if this does prompt a change, I'd be sceptical about its longevity. Couples therapy would be a minimum imo. It also sounds like you're about done with the relationship and reasonably so. Life would be easier alone as you wouldn't have to fight, argue and be angry all the time.

Hi all. I came back last night. DH wasn't going to bring DC to me and I didn't want to spend another night apart.

While I was gone I had lots of texts pleading for me to return and telling me how much he was struggling with it all. I didn't back down and only came back when I was ready. I have told him how I have struggled and been ignored so it was only fair.

We have spoken and lots of promises have been made. I am completely sceptical but at least if things don't work out I know I will have tried everything I could to make it work. This also gives me time to get documentation and make plans (when) if things so south again. I am not an impulsive person so getting my ducks in a row will help me feel in control and much less anxious.

I think DH at least knows I am serious now whereas before he felt like he could just push me back in my place. Hopefully he knows better now and will try to work on things. If not, he can't claim he is surprised by our marriage's breakdown.

I do feel guilty for leaving DC. They have always been confident and today they have been screaming when I'm not in their sight. That has been the hardest thing.

You did the right thing, hopefully he has woken up to the reality if all you do.

Don't feel guilty

As you have written your DH now knows he has to shape up or it's over.

Very glad that you are going to "get your ducks in a row" so you are ready and prepared to end things if need be.

You need to delegate stuff to your H and let him sink or swim. When I returned to work FT post career beak I offloaded food shopping, meal planning and cooking... there were some awful meals for months (he had never learnt to cook), I didn't criticise him but did remind him that vegetables with every meal was essential.

Over time I also delegated Drs and Dentist etc. Basically if I had suddenly he would have coped with the practical side pretty easily.

There were a few laundry incidents so most of clothes go in their own separate wash basket as my work dresses are mainly silk or delicates.

I would stuffed if something happened to DH, I have forgotten how to cook, my timings are awful

The goal is equal leisure time and sharing the mental load...

Well done, OP. I think you're doing all that you can to make it work and if it doesn't it won't be for YOU not trying

Well done OP 💐 I hope things work out well for you, whatever direction they take

I did this ,for different reasons, a few years ago. We're still together and he no longer has the attitude that made me leave. It's worth trying, but I think you should go without the children. If you could manage a week that would be better than a few days.

Good for you. You did the right thing. Wishing you the best of luck.

Well done op.

Good for you OP. I hope things have been goin OK today?

Well done OP. Remember it is for DC's benefit as well as they need time alone with their daddy to properly bond with him. So try not to feel too guilty .

Did he apologise for how he's been treating you?

Looking after a baby/toddler is hard, I think many people struggle at this point, looking after dc, balancing their relationship, work - then you had covid thrown in. I certainly was on the verge of leaving around the 12 month mark, and whilst I don't have a fairy tale ending it is happy - we managed another 18 years and since amicably splitting I have met someone else. It's been such a tough year, getting a weekend to yourself is what you needed and you can then see what the future holds

Well done OP

Well done OP. I hope it works, but at lea ST he knows now you are prepared to walk.

Least. Not sure what happened there.

Men will respond to actions. Words, particularly emotional words, will get you nowhere.

Whilst he said he’ll up his game with helping with dc, only time will tell.

You taught him a lesson hopefully that doing everything on your own is so hard.
Hence him texting come home, he’d had enough!

What I would say is “ let him get on with it, when you ask him to change nappy,bath,play,put to bed “ that’s your REST TIME
Also start leaving dc with him sat/sun say whilst you do the shopping or hair dressers
The more he as dc the easy it will become for them both to bond.

If it doesn’t work, you tried, he didn’t step up
You did nothing wrong.

Good luck

Thanks all! Time will tell whether or not we can patch this up. I'm just so exhausted from it all.

Hi @Endoftheline2020, how has the last month been?

Hopefully he makes the changes he has promised.

You need childcare no way can you manage job & baby at home you will be so exhausted and frustrated.

Hi, just seen the request for an update. Things have been alright here- not as bad as they were, but not where I want them to be either. I've had a challenging day with DC (very clingy and whingy so I can't get anything done) and DH has made attempts but not really stepped up. As per usual, he has had his own schedule to stick to (a few tasks, some sport to watch and sorting something for his hobby) and I have been handling most of the childcare. It's better than it was but he still doesn't get how uneven our responsibilities are. At the moment, things are so uncertain with my work that I am plodding along, trying to save as much as possible if things do end. I am trying to give it a fair shot, but I just don't think he is going to realistically change.